Jennie - an unapologetic OW

[xxoo]

I mean, what IS the point of this thread?

 

Jennie has said that these discussions help her solidify her pov. Why she has a need to continually solidify isn't clear.

 

I do know that having a common enemy can make people feel closer. Maybe "defending" her relationship and her man makes her feel more satisfied with it.

[jennie-jennie]

What is there to understand--- The forum is called OW/OM, not “What about the BS”?

 

:lmao: :lmao:

[BB07]

What part of me replying to you in another thread that I don't have blind faith in my MM do you not understand?

 

I stated my opinion......"I think". Is that not OK with you? Opinions......are kinda like arseholes, everyone has one, me included.

 

You're wrong. I have for many years and in two different relationships lived a day to day life with a man, and that is what I want to do again.[/quote

]

 

I said.......perhaps, so OK, you've cleared that up. I get it.

[Distant78]

What do you mean "what is there to understand?" It's about OM/OW messing around with a BSs spouse. That's what's to understand. I agree with Spark. Don't even know what is the point of this thread.

[someday]

After reading you for a bit here, JJ, I kind of get where you are coming from. I think you’re a lady who lives in the moment, in your own moment. Its all good. I’m pretty much the same way…I think that one of the huge drawbacks of living in the moment is that the little moments that would make other’s stop and question sort of slide right on by…until later…and then it’s almost too late to make a difference to the motion that’s been set in place.

 

I personally can’t get on board with the OW concept at you expressed it, but hay, that is your concept to make peace with your situation.

[jennie-jennie]

Oh, I know how A's begin. In Jen's situation I believe she knew him from years ago, and then set her sights on him for a renewed relationship.

 

Rather my MM set his sights on me. He pursued me heavily and persistently.

[2themoon&back]

After reading you for a bit here, JJ, I kind of get where you are coming from. I think you’re a lady who lives in the moment, in your own moment. Its all good. I’m pretty much the same way…I think that one of the huge drawbacks of living in the moment is that the little moments that would make other’s stop and question sort of slide right on by…until later…and then it’s almost too late to make a difference to the motion that’s been set in place.

 

I agree with you on the living in the moment.... I too do this as well and you are right--- I have no let up in me.

 

I am not sure about JJ, but the moment to me is the one sure thing we have to live in.

[jennie-jennie]

I don't understand why learning about split self affairs gave you peace of mind. Even if the split self affair theory is true, what difference does it make? I mean there are psychological explanations for everyone's bad behavior but that doesn't mean we have to accept it. I spent seven years with a controlling man who had an explosive temper, trust issues and mood swings that would make my head spin. He wasn't like that for no reason. He had been abused in every possible way (sexual, physical, neglect) as a child and his behavior was textbook for someone who had grown up that way.

 

We all know that there are psychological reasons behind a persons behavior, but that doesn't change the here and now and it doesn't change the facts. My ex had great insight into the why's and wherefore's of his behavior. He was an extremely intelligent man but he hasn't changed at all. He doesn't have any reason to change, he is very good looking and charming so he will never be alone. There will always be some dumb woman (as I was for many years) willing to put up with him. So how does knowing that this is a split self affair change anything for you? How does it make the affair better or more right for you?

 

Understanding that my MM's incapability to make a choice between his wife and I has nothing to do with his love for me and everything to do with his own issues, stopped the harm I was inflicting on myself by relating his actions to me and our love. My heart was telling me one thing, my head was doubting it. When my head got a sufficient explanation, it could find a place to join forces with my heart and make the situation I chose to remain in a better place for me using the tools I had already learnt of in Al-Anon.

 

Your ex was abusive, my MM is not. It was I myself who was inflicting damage on myself through my perspective.

[jennie-jennie]

Any theory can be healing to understand the "why" of a person who does not change their behavior for another.

 

But I am always realistic as I remember all those who grew up in similiar pain in childhood, who have suffered from depression, who DID NOT CHOOSE to have an affair to get unmet needs met outside of marriage.

 

And unfortunately, we once again come back to that dreaded word "CHOICE."

 

I too had an horrific childhood, a few bouts of depression, and took every step available to me to change and grow and heal. I am a respected member of my community, have raised successful children, and have never cheated.

 

So, if anyone coulda, shoulda, split themselves into multiple selves, why didn't I and the other 40 percent of abused kids?

 

Because I believe we have free will to change and to choose who we become as adults and to take accountability for all of our own actions.

 

I would not respect myself any other way, and do not respect others, who after the age of 25, have not figured out or still play the pity card as to why the cannot change their behavior.

 

There are many routes a child from a dysfunctional family takes. Two of my MM's brothers are recovering drug addicts, one of his sisters is a compulsive gambler. My MM was the good child, the good husband and father, the "hero". It is so much harder to realize something is wrong when it looks right. Not until the infidelity did my MM realize that he too had issues with him from his childhood.

[2themoon&back]

Understanding that my MM's incapability to make a choice between his wife and I has nothing to do with his love for me and everything to do with his own issues, stopped the harm I was inflicting on myself by relating his actions to me and our love. My heart was telling me one thing, my head was doubting it. When my head got a sufficient explanation, it could find a place to join forces with my heart and make the situation I chose to remain in a better place for me using the tools I had already learnt of in Al-Anon.

 

Your ex was abusive, my MM is not. It was I myself who was inflicting damage on myself through my perspective.

 

Very nice job JJ, well put. (I wish I could express myself as well)

[jennie-jennie]

Any theory can be healing to understand the "why" of a person who does not change their behavior for another.

 

But I am always realistic as I remember all those who grew up in similiar pain in childhood, who have suffered from depression, who DID NOT CHOOSE to have an affair to get unmet needs met outside of marriage.

 

And unfortunately, we once again come back to that dreaded word "CHOICE."

 

I too had an horrific childhood, a few bouts of depression, and took every step available to me to change and grow and heal. I am a respected member of my community, have raised successful children, and have never cheated.

 

So, if anyone coulda, shoulda, split themselves into multiple selves, why didn't I and the other 40 percent of abused kids?

 

Because I believe we have free will to change and to choose who we become as adults and to take accountability for all of our own actions.

I would not respect myself any other way, and do not respect others, who after the age of 25, have not figured out or still play the pity card as to why the cannot change their behavior.

 

Who's playing the pity card? We're busy living, trying our best to figure out how to deal with the hand life has dealt us.

[jennie-jennie]

How often do you two actually see each other (physically, not Skype) in this relationship?

 

Not as often as we would like. Unfortunately.

[donnamaybe]

I agree with you on the living in the moment.... I too do this as well and you are right--- I have no let up in me.

 

I am not sure about JJ, but the moment to me is the one sure thing we have to live in.

I live for moments (plural) like this morning when, after a huge snowfall last night, my sweet man went outside and brushed the snow off my car, then cleared our 1/8 mile long driveway and sidewalks, and THEN took my son to school for me. Or like last night when he rubbed my back until I fell asleep. I can count on many, many moments as I know he is mine, all mine.

 

I wish all good women to have the same.

 

I'm sad when I see them spending what I feel are empty years on a futile endeavor.

 

HOWEVER, if they can find happiness in their moments, well, I guess there's something good for them - for now.

[jennie-jennie]

I still don't understand how you can come to a conclusion based on the actions of one person and come to a completely different conclusion based on that exact same (or actions indicative of being even more committed to the M) of a different person.

 

Ah, but my two exSOs were of my culture and thus had no obligations to honor. Remember there is no word for commitment in my culture. So them coming back to me was a choice of me. My MM staying in his marriage is a choice of honoring his obligation, not a choice of his wife.

[jennie-jennie]

How can he possibly hit rock bottom with they way things are now?

 

Because the fact that my MM is both married and in an extramarital relationship forces him to see that he is not "doing the right thing".

[donnamaybe]

Ah, but my two exSOs were of my culture and thus had no obligations to honor. Remember there is no word for commitment in my culture. So them coming back to me was a choice of me. My MM staying in his marriage is a choice of honoring his obligation, not a choice of his wife.

I'm sorry but where you live is not, in my opinion, the decision maker for a person in affairs of the heart. It's just not.

[jennie-jennie]

This may be true during the portion of his double-life that he is actively with you.

 

But when he is actively with his wife--he has betrayed you (had sex with her, breaking your agreement), minimized you (denied you when confronted), deprioritized your relationship (by remaining married).

 

Consistently?

 

These are perfect examples of what is not related to me and our relationship. It is related to the issues my MM has which prevent him from being honest with his wife. By looking at it like you suggest I would inflict harm on myself. By looking at it as being his problem it is his problem.

[donnamaybe]

IMO, the only problem that would arise for HIM would be if his W were to find out. He's just fine and dandy; has two women dangling on his puppet strings.

 

Just an outsider's opinion, of course, but it's valid to consider it a possiblity, no?

Edited December 21, 2010 by donnamaybe

[jennie-jennie]

Ok, that's wonderful.

 

So, why the need to explain, or justify, or even start a thread, or post on a forum where others seek support.

 

Am I missing something? No offense intended, JJ.

 

If you do NOT have an issue, or a question, or some pain, or need guidance, or seek to understand some facet of the relationship....what is this thread all about?

 

How to be happy and content in a long term affair?

 

I mean, what IS the point of this thread?

 

To explain....what exactly?

 

That it is perfect and you accept it and it is fine for now, and if it is not fine tomorrow, you will at least have had five years together.

 

Ok....but isn't that true for any relationship?

 

And if you are fine with it, why this thread? To defend it? Receive attention for it?

 

I feel dense, and I apologize. But I still don't understand.

 

I stayed in Al-Anon for years after my SO became sober. It helped me with my issues. It helped me deal with living with a sober alcoholic, whose issues didn't disappear the moment he became sober.

 

I choose to be in a relationship with this particular MM, but that doesn't mean it does not bring along difficulties which are specific for an extramarital relationship. Just like I needed support to live a good life while being the partner of an alcoholic, I need support to live a good life while being the partner of a split self MM.

 

Also, I hope that by sharing what I have learnt I can help other OW.

[jennie-jennie]

After reading you for a bit here, JJ, I kind of get where you are coming from. I think you’re a lady who lives in the moment, in your own moment. Its all good. I’m pretty much the same way…I think that one of the huge drawbacks of living in the moment is that the little moments that would make other’s stop and question sort of slide right on by…until later…and then it’s almost too late to make a difference to the motion that’s been set in place.

 

I personally can’t get on board with the OW concept at you expressed it, but hay, that is your concept to make peace with your situation.

 

This is one of the reasons for this thread: to give people an opportunity to understand where I am coming from.

[someday]

This is one of the reasons for this thread: to give people an opportunity to understand where I am coming from.

 

You do realize that this says that you need outside validation for your actions, right? You write that you don't but this action says that you do.

[jennie-jennie]

I'm sorry but where you live is not, in my opinion, the decision maker for a person in affairs of the heart. It's just not.

 

And as usual, I presume, you have no experience of having relationships with men from different cultures?

[jennie-jennie]

IMO, the only problem that would arise for HIM would be if his W were to find out. He's just fine and dandy; has two women dangling on his puppet strings.

 

Just an outsider's opinion, of course, but it's valid to consider it a possiblity, no?

 

Are you suggesting that my MM has no problem whatsoever that he spends his days lying to his wife?

[donnamaybe]

And as usual, I presume, you have no experience of having relationships with men from different cultures?

Wrong. I was in the military for several years and travelled to different countries and became quite familiar with other cultures and dated men from those cultures. The men I've known did not allow any "culture" to dictate who they love and how they treated their loved ones.

[jennie-jennie]

You do realize that this says that you need outside validation for your actions, right? You write that you don't but this action says that you do.

 

No, I don't realize that. I do know I am helped by reading posts by others that think like me. OWoman's posts for example have helped me a great deal, Ellin's posts as well and many others. You can always proceed further in the company of others than on your own.

 

But what I was referring to in the post of mine you quoted is that it is obvious in other threads that many LS posters have questions about me and my perspective, and I wanted to give them a chance to ask these questions in a thread of my own.

 

I believe one reason why people are interested in my situation in particular is because I am from a different culture than most LS posters. It makes my point of view more difficult for them to understand. That and that I am an unapologetic OW who has found a way to deal with being the OW in spite of rather having her MM get a divorce.