EricaH329 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I've noticed (lately more-so) that being a 23 year old single female is becoming more and more frowned upon. The majority of my friends are either married, have children, or both. Apparently my family (and some friends) have taken notice in this also, and have been pressuring me to find someone to settle down with. When I think of an appropriate age to settle down (for myself), I think of anywhere between 30 - 35, but apparently that's 'way too late'. What are your thoughts? Is there a time limit? Is there an appropriate age to settle down?
Negative Nancy Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 (edited) if 23 is already being frowned upon, what am I supposed to I say at almost 30? are you living in a rural area or what? because here it's pretty normal not to be married and have kids even in your early 30s. my friends are half and half - some have kids already, some are still single, and some are in a steady relationship like me, with no expectation of it leading to marriage anytime soon as i do not feel ready to settle down and have kids yet...too much responsibility at this point.\ the appropriate age to settle down is when YOU feel like it. we women unfortunately gotta keep in mind though that biology has its own age limit for us. but at 23 i would not worry... if it's just external pressure pulling on you, i would not care what other people think. but if it's your own wish to settle down now, i can understand your feelings. can't hurry love, though... Edited December 18, 2010 by Negative Nancy
Teknoe Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 The right answer is when you AND your would-be spouse are BOTH READY. Of course, this varies from person to person. Of course, if you want kids, ideally you'll get married before 40, and certainly before 35 or so when you want to be "young" as they're growing up. Some people get married at 21. I say most don't mature and know what they want in life until about 25 or so, but again, it's different for everyone.
Mad Max Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I never knew it was frowned upon. I'm only a year younger and though I've gotten questioned over it, no one has ever frowned over it with me.
paleblue Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 you can settle down whenever you want! dont feel pressured because all your friends are. there is no time frame. some people want to in their 20's, some people wait until their 30's, or longer. so my thoughts are, no, there is no appropriate age. its when you want too!
Author EricaH329 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 if 23 is already being frowned upon, what am I supposed to I say at almost 30? are you living in a rural area or what? because here it's pretty normal not to be married and have kids even in your early 30s. I never knew it was frowned upon. I'm only a year younger and though I've gotten questioned over it, no one has ever frowned over it with me. I apologize for not clarifying. What I meant to say, is that the closer I get to turning 24, the more I realize it's getting frowned upon with the people I associate with. I didn't mean society itself is frowning upon it. My apologies. the appropriate age to settle down is when YOU feel like it. we women unfortunately gotta keep in mind though that biology has its own age limit for us. but at 23 i would not worry... The right answer is when you AND your would-be spouse are BOTH READY. Of course, this varies from person to person. Of course, if you want kids, ideally you'll get married before 40, and certainly before 35 or so when you want to be "young" as they're growing up. Some people get married at 21. I say most don't mature and know what they want in life until about 25 or so, but again, it's different for everyone. you can settle down whenever you want! dont feel pressured because all your friends are. there is no time frame. some people want to in their 20's, some people wait until their 30's, or longer. so my thoughts are, no, there is no appropriate age. its when you want too! I'm definitely not going to settle down until i'm absolutely 100% positive it's someone I want to settle down with. I don't even have a boyfriend, let alone someone i'm considering marrying. And I definitely won't do it just because others feel like it's my 'time'. However, i'm curious as to why people are telling me that it is time. I'm only 23. I keep hearing that 'I don't have much longer' and 'It's about that time to start finding someone to settle down with'. It's also a bit discouraging. Of course, one day, I would love to get married and have children. But it's not going to be with just anyone. It's going to be with a guy that is right for me. That's definitely not something you can rush. One of my family members told me the other day, "It doesn't matter if he is right for you, as long as he is good to you and takes care of you. If you wait for the right one, you'll be waiting your entire life."
Star Gazer Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 IME, folks start getting really serious about settling down about 4 years after their last diploma/degree, once their comfortable in their chosen career paths. Your schedule might not follow the typical plan, but in general, it seems like the cultural expectations are like this: High school grad: Start getting serious about dating for marriage by 22, married by 24. College grad: Start getting serious about dating for marriage by 26, married by 28. Grad school grad: Start getting serious about dating for marriage by 30, married by 32. Thus, I'm behind!
tigressA Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Maybe by settle down, they mean find a monogamous relationship instead of hooking up? Maybe they are worried that you will be lonely? It could be this. I'm the same age you are, OP, and most of my friends are in steady, committed relationships--quite a few are married with a kid or one on the way. I've also had a few of them ask what's up with my love life and when I tell them I'm still single/just ended another egg-timer "relationship", they say "Oh" in that way that makes me want to snap to defense and say "What's that supposed to mean, 'Oh'?!" Like others here have already said, settling down happens when you and the one you're with are ready. When it feels like the right thing to do, it is. Try to remind yourself that when people are blissfully coupled-up, their basic intentions with this pressure are good. They want everyone around them to feel the same happiness they do, yet because they're so wrapped up in their relationship they don't realize how tactless they can be toward their single friends. I have noticed a trend toward people--at least, people I know--getting married at younger ages than the national average, which I think is around 28 for men and 26 for women. Most of my friends who are married or are engaged now have been with their SOs for most of their high school and/or college experience, so they've been together for at least 3 years by the time they're engaged. Perhaps they feel that they made it this long, they love each other, it can't get any better than this, so why not tie the knot? And I can understand that feeling, though my longest relationship was a little less than 2 years.
JohnM Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I just turned 24 and most of my friends are not in serious relationships. In fact, most are single. In my little plan, I imagine these to be my average destination points; Married around 27, Kids a few years later maybe at 30 if I manage to get a house. But, if these all had an extra 5 or even 10 years added on I don't think it would be an issue. You work with whats right for you, no need to worry or rush.
paleblue Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 However, i'm curious as to why people are telling me that it is time. I'm only 23. I keep hearing that 'I don't have much longer' and 'It's about that time to start finding someone to settle down with'. Maybe they say that because maybe its easier to have kids when you are younger? not sure. Im a guy:laugh: but if you wait you are more mature and settled down. so maybe waiting is better? still not sure but i do know at 23...you have A LOT longer Holy smokes
Author EricaH329 Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 IME, folks start getting really serious about settling down about 4 years after their last diploma/degree, once their comfortable in their chosen career paths. Your schedule might not follow the typical plan, but in general, it seems like the cultural expectations are like this: High school grad: Start getting serious about dating for marriage by 22, married by 24. College grad: Start getting serious about dating for marriage by 26, married by 28. Grad school grad: Start getting serious about dating for marriage by 30, married by 32. Thus, I'm behind! Yes, this sounds about right. I'm behind myself, there's no way i'm getting married in 3 months . I guess we are the outcasts again (damn ESFJ's :laugh:)! Maybe by settle down, they mean find a monogamous relationship instead of hooking up? Maybe they are worried that you will be lonely? I don't think it's really much of them thinking i'm going to be lonely, as it is them thinking that I need to start a family soon. I do find it interesting, however, that when I was going to get married to my ex fiance, the same family members that want me to settle down were the ones who were vehemently opposed to it. I know it had nothing to do with my ex fiance as a person, because they had never actually met him before. Odd? It could be this. I'm the same age you are, OP, and most of my friends are in steady, committed relationships--quite a few are married with a kid or one on the way. I've also had a few of them ask what's up with my love life and when I tell them I'm still single/just ended another egg-timer "relationship", they say "Oh" in that way that makes me want to snap to defense and say "What's that supposed to mean, 'Oh'?!" Oh yes! Or when they take 'pity' on you and decide to find you a boyfriend. That's the worst. My friends ideas of who suits me is horrible! You are right, though. I know their intentions are good. I don't really doubt that. They are happy, so they feel like that's how everyone else would be happy too. But i'm perfectly happy alone, at the moment. But I suppose not everyone can see how that is possible. I just turned 24 and most of my friends are not in serious relationships. In fact, most are single. In my little plan, I imagine these to be my average destination points; Married around 27, Kids a few years later maybe at 30 if I manage to get a house. But, if these all had an extra 5 or even 10 years added on I don't think it would be an issue. You work with whats right for you, no need to worry or rush. Oh, definitely. There's no way i'm going to rush something that can't (to me) be rushed. It just feels weird being pressured by my family and friends to settle down, when I always thought 23 was still pretty young. I didn't think they would start getting on me about it until I was at least 26 or so. Maybe they say that because maybe its easier to have kids when you are younger? not sure. Im a guy:laugh: but if you wait you are more mature and settled down. so maybe waiting is better? still not sure but i do know at 23...you have A LOT longer Holy smokes I know, right! I have a ton of time left! And as long as I have time, i'm in no rush They are just going to have to deal with that
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 the closer I get to turning 24 Better yet, how many times in the average lifetime does one hear that line? I don't perceive your beauty to be the sort which will flame-out like an asteroid any time during the next few years, so I sense you'll be in your "optimum mating zone" for a long, long while. That means you have plenty of time to wait for your pitch, so to speak. (and with each passing year, you're more likely to make the best decisions for long-term happiness)
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