calliope Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I'm feeling really sad today. This week has been mentally and emotionally draining. He came back to work Wed, so I had to see him frequently over the past 3 days. He's doing NC to me and he's a lot stronger than I am. It absolutely breaks my heart that when he sees me he turns and walks away without even looking at me. I know it's because it's hard for him too, but I just hate how it makes me feel. If he knows I'm in the area he'll deliberately not even look in my general direction. It's really hard on me. I spoke to him face to face on Thurs and I could see in his eyes how he really feels. I'm sure he could see it in mine too. I only have to see him on shift changeover 2 days next week, then I'm out of town for 2 weeks over the holidays. I hope when I get back that time & distance will make this easier for me....
Golon Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I wonder how people manage NC when they work together. I failed miserably......but can see I possibly only managed the bit I did due to illness and holidays. By the time I was back in work proper we were seeing one another again. It worries me that I lack the strength so I really respect you calliope for your strength. I know you feel weak.....but you are a whole lot stronger than me and I think you are doing very well.
Hazyhead Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 calliope, when I read the title of your thread, I thought you must have broken NC, but, and I don't mean this the way it's going to sound, I'm glad it's just that you are sad. What a cr@ppy thing to say, I know, but to have broken NC would have thrown you back into the chaos but the way things stand you are only looking at it. I get you with the heartbreak - it's all-consuming, I know. I think you are just going to have to ride this out though, sweetie, and judging by how you've handled things so far, I totally think you can do it. Two more days. That's doable compared to what you've done so far. Keep all conversation as brief as possible and don't break in front of him. As soon as you finish work you will have earned yourself a bloody big drink and some celebrations. Keep going, hon. Hugs, Hazy
Author calliope Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 Thank you all. Your kind words and support are definitely helping me...and Hazy, don't worry - it wasn't a cr@ppy thing to say...I understand completely. To be honest, I'm at a loss as to why I feel this overwhelmed. Over the past 16 months I ended it so many times with him, so I've been here before and bounced back. I don't know why this time is hitting me so hard. Maybe because he had actually left her this time? Farther than he's ever gone before. Maybe because I never really felt like it was over before, but this time I do? I know I'm hanging on to the path this has always taken in the past. Break up, back together, break up, back together. Each and every time the "back together" took another baby step closer to a future for us. He always left some ambiguity which always kept me around knowing that he wasn't closing the door completely. When we had our final conversation 9 days ago, the last thing he said was "take care of yourself.." I said, "don't make it sound so final..." Then he said, "ok, in the interim, take care of yourself.." Interim?? No wonder I can't let go!
BB07 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Calliope it takes a while for your heart to catch up to your head and both of them to accept that it's over. I don't think you are there yet but you are making progress and progress is what counts. It's very hard to let go of the hope that something might change. Maybe you are letting go of it and that is why you are so sad. I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit.....you are going through a process that's hard and you have to do it one step at at time. Hang in there girlie, brighter days are ahead! Hugs............
Author calliope Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 Thanks BB. I know it's still early days yet. I'm always very impatient with myself, which is strange because I always had such patience with him & his waffling and the back & forth. Others commented on it, as did he. I really don't know why I did. It's hard to feel like I'm making progress. I'm marking days off the calendar and even though it's only been a week and a half, it feels like forever.
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