seekingunderstanding Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 (edited) It's been 4mths. Some really serious issues have come up and my boyfriend says there are no real issues, I just find things wrong. He thinks I'm just not accepting and should accept everything that happens. About 4 things have happened that really hurt and confused me. The kidns of things that people say "leave now" about. I'm the kind of person who doesn't bring things up again if they've been resolved, but we've had a lot to deal with in a short span of time.. There are some things that are really complex and it would take a few discussions to come to an understanding. I've said I'm willing to work on better communication, but just being blamed for having feelings is not ok. For him better communication is not the issue.. me "finding" problems is the issue. I feel like poop. Because of my upbringing and past I have a hard time seeing when people are crossing the line. I want to break up, but I keep sucking myself back into it. What do i need to do so that I know breaking up is the thing to do, and actually stick to it? Edited December 18, 2010 by seekingunderstanding
poorguy Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 What are the 4 things that happened in the 4 months you've been together?
Author seekingunderstanding Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 1. He told me he would let another guy have sex with me in front of him and it would be hot to watch. I thanked him for his honesty and tried to find out more so I could understand. I put a lot of effort into being loving and non judgmental, but it's a problem for him that I am even confused on the issue. 2. I had an injury that disabled me for a little bit. The only plans we had together during the time of my injury he became annoyed with me within a few hours in the morning for not being mobile. He dropped me and did not make any offer to be there for me in any way that day or the future. It was like I did something wrong by being weak. This hurt and scared me because what if I really needed him one day. Even people I barely know treated me better than this. 3. He lives with his mom. He said he was moving out at first, but that changed. I think this is an incompatibility of agendas and I don't hold it against him. He should choose what he wants and I should be able to unchoose what I don't want. He said he'll eventually move and to be honest it doesn't look like it, so I said at one point I'll have to accept that he's a guy who lives with his mom and make a decision in my life. He thinks I am just finding something to be concerned about and that I should just have faith in him and stay with him regardless of whether or not I think it's good for me. 4. We went to a big event where I knew no one.. he treated me so badly and disrespectfully I was shocked. It's shocking and frightening to see the guy shut off so entirely and so suddenly and then I become nothing. Either I don't exist or he treats me with absolute disdain and disrespect. I've seen that twice in the past and now again yesterday and the day before. Now let's say that all of these aren't red flags and I've misunderstood everything. #2 and 4 he was stressed/annoyed, fine. I still think it's reasonable that I would have initially had concerns about them and have preferences about how I'm treated. According to him there's something wrong with me: I just find things wrong to make problems about. That's a problem for him. He wants me stop having problems and start accepting everything right off. He feels I can't be counted on and I'm not dependable because things come up and they bother me. I think that doesn't sound right. Yet I keep thinking that can't be true and get right back into trying to solve things.. I just end up getting criticized more Denyal I'm stuck.
poorguy Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 You guys were together for 4 months? Is that correct?
paleblue Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I think your concerns are valid. Know those stories you read about, people saying they should have paid more attention to certain things early on in the relationship but didnt... well these are all substantial enough Red Flags that you should pay attention too. It is very telling what things will be like if you stay with him. I would be pretty pissed off if someone I was supposed to be with became annoyed because I was disabled for a bit. That is soooo bad. Like how do you come back from that one? You kinda don't... Sorry. You already have all the ammo you need to break up and not feel bad about it. And This doesnt even get into some of the other stuff. All this and its only been 4 months???? Do I need to say anymore? Sorry again.
Author seekingunderstanding Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 thanks guys... Yea we're in our 5th month now. I think it ended tonight after a few more similar things to add to my list above. He left and took the christmas gift he got me with him. Having a little trouble because I keep on letting him back in though. I appreciate the confirmation.. it helps a lot because part of the problem is that I get into a mode where I doubt my own judgment. He's very invalidating and turns things around on me.. I buy into it and then think I'm crazy and wrong. I used to be so strong.
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