How to deal with a girl who is an extreme challenge

[xRJ85x]

In relation to our other big "giving up to easily" thread, obviously girls are going to try and be challenges as much as guys are. So how are we men supposed to deal with the real pros like this, especially since we're the ones supposed to be doing the chasing?

 

Dilemma: Met a beautiful, smart, very friendly girl online. But very busy (is trying to start her own business on top of work). Got her number and called her, but left a voicemail. A week and a half passes, and I get a text saying "Sorry I didn't get back to you now, I've been super busy with work! But I hope we can still meet up!" Being the laid back, carefree guy I am, I text her back a few times and we set up a date.

 

What began as a few drinks ended up with her begging me to stay out later, turning into an all night through the next day make out session at her place, with her telling me she "doesn't normally do this with guys" and her friend who we met up with earlier in the night trying to convince me of "how wonderful a person she is." She kissed me goodbye and says "call me." That was on a Friday-Saturday.

 

I texted her Sunday to ask if she felt better Saturday (we were both hungover), and she laughed, asking me how I felt too and saying "it was quite the first date!" I called her Tuesday to try and schedule another date, but got her voicemail again. Haven't heard back from her yet...

 

I plan on trying her again Sunday or Monday night if I don't hear anything. As I said before, she actually is very busy, and she seems honest, but how much of this is a challenge and how would I and any other guy in this situation deal with this? I know some will say she's rude and just kick her to the curb, but I really like her and, as I meant in relation to the other thread, don't have a problem jumping through these hoops if she's just testing me for whatever reason (someone who can deal with her busy schedule, someone who is going to be honest with her, etc.) I'd prefer ladies' opinions, as well...

Edited December 18, 2010 by xRJ85x

[Feelin Frisky]

I wouldn't say kick her to the curb but it is a good move to take stock of the flags. One is that people MAKE time for those they care about. Everyone "is busy" in their own right. Caring and sharing is about being accountable to one's word and considering the impact on the SO of contact or failure to contact. "Busy" is not an excuse more than once. If one cares he or she MAKES time to reflect that. I really see this as a big sign. I don't know anyone in a new relationship who isn't thrilled about it to the point that they actually WANT to be responsive and SECURE the fact that something meaningful is going on between the two.

 

I would be concerned about consistency of personality here too. We all have heard of mania and bi-polar. Well not everyone is a text book case. Millions of people--perhaps billions--have some level of highs and lows. It's not unusual for someone to get in the manic state and want to have a fling and satisfy all their passions only to somehow retreat from that in a bit of a low where they second-guess themselves and often tell themselves negatives including that the person they just had the fling with is ______ (fill in the blank with w/e negative).

 

We don't see what goes on in these people's lives in between so we fall for the illusion that they are up and peppy and vibrant all the time. They may only not be but they may be just the opposite between. It is totally self-indulgent of anyone to show as much affection and enthusiasm as you painted of her and then only consider their own feelings and issues, leaving the other person to wonder. You are not a just a character in her movie. She however is treating you like that by thinking you're a convenience when she's disposed to have a good time. Take this seriously: either she's showing you she's socially developed enough to sense responsibility with regard to taking on an SO or there's some sign of something missing. Hello. I wouldn't put up with it personally. It would be enough of a sign that there's a basic problem here that no matter of harsh talk can fix. Either it's in her canon to be considerate and value a social connection with you or it's not--you can't force that there. You want to know if it's going to work out, well, I think there's already an answer. The issue is how much shyte are you willing to take for what she does decide to throw you. Good luck.

[xRJ85x]

Now suddenly I'm worried that simply making out with her on the first date could be the big problem. I don't want her to get the wrong impression. Do I address this issue somehow when I call her back? Or is it not as big a deal, and something else being an issue?

 

Thanks for the tip too, frisky.

Edited December 18, 2010 by xRJ85x

[youngskywalker]

I wouldn't say anything about the make-out session. You just have to let it ride. It is what it is at this point. Maybe she thought it was awesome and if you come along and say your sorry you're shooting yourself in the foot. If you know it bothered her then say something about it but that isn't the case. Let it be.

 

As far as the "busy" stuff. It's a tuff call. Some people are genuinely busy and just aren't going to make the time to see you several times a week. Being busy can be code for "get the hell away from me". But most of the time I think it's "I think you're a nice guy but I'm not going to invest in you."

 

It's your call. Will she make time for you once a week? Is that acceptable to you? If not then forget her, it's her loss. You need to look to see if she is making effort to see you rather than how MUCH she sees you. For me, if a girl can't make time to see me once a week then I won't go with it. She's too busy, best wishes in life to her. I had a girl that showed interest but was too busy to solidify a date over a time period of three weeks. Forget that. I bailed.

[youngskywalker]

We don't see what goes on in these people's lives in between so we fall for the illusion that they are up and peppy and vibrant all the time. They may only not be but they may be just the opposite between.

 

Very true. Even if you have a few dates with a girl that seems to be awesome you don't know her yet. She could have some real issues in life. It's easy to hide for a short while but I think sometimes people back off when they know their true colors are about to come out. I've been depressed in the past and have had close relationships with people who are also depressive. The common theme is that we hide it. And we hide it well.

[xRJ85x]

As far as the "busy" stuff. It's a tuff call. Some people are genuinely busy and just aren't going to make the time to see you several times a week. Being busy can be code for "get the hell away from me". But most of the time I think it's "I think you're a nice guy but I'm not going to invest in you."

 

It's your call. Will she make time for you once a week? Is that acceptable to you? If not then forget her, it's her loss. You need to look to see if she is making effort to see you rather than how MUCH she sees you. For me, if a girl can't make time to see me once a week then I won't go with it. She's too busy, best wishes in life to her. I had a girl that showed interest but was too busy to solidify a date over a time period of three weeks. Forget that. I bailed.

 

Therein lies the problem. I didn't even think this day would come after I very first called her up. A week and a half passes and she texts me asking me if I still wanna go out. So far it's been about half the time of that from my call on Tuesday. I personally don't mind it, as long as she's being honest. Which is the problem.

[paleblue]

I doubt anything is going to change with her right now. If you enjoy the chase, go for it. but if you are looking to spend more time with someone, this one is going to disappoint you. I could be wrong, but from my experience if someone is too busy now, that doesn't change. You will get tired of it.

 

Some guys would like to think a girl is just testing them... but that's not it. I think you are just trying to fool yourself by thinking that. It just sounds like to me a relationship isn't a priority for her right now. She probably just wants to get laid here and there.

[Madgick1]

I too have recently had questions about someone who was legitimately busy. I have no idea how it's going to work out; but one thing I noticed is that he always responds asap to my contact and he initiates contact, and he (altho I have no right or reason to be told) always keeps me in the loop regarding his schedule almost to the level you'd tell a spouse. Also each contact he both reaffirms his interest in me and offers me some amusing or confidential tidbit about his life. And all phone calls go on until I end them (I'm busy too, but not as busy as he is).

 

I have no idea if anything will come of this; I have out of town relatives until the 28th and we are going to meet on the 29th. So we'll see.

 

But what strikes me about your story of her busy-ness is that she is not responding in a reasonable amount of time and she is not initiating. You can always respond to a text while you are waiting for the elevator or sitting at the drive thru, and a phone call can be made walking through the parking lot or (for some people, not me, but I see it all the time) while sitting on the john. Maybe she can't see you right now, but she certainly can communicate with you (nobody's life is THAT busy--as a former single working mother of twins, I know busy). And if she's interested, it's her responsibility to signal that interest.

 

I personally think if you are interested, you should always give it two chances, then match her effort if she makes any. If she takes a week and a half to respond to a text, do the same. It's not so much 'teaching her a lesson' or playing games, but pacing your own expectations. So I might call on Monday and then not ever again.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 18, 2010 by Madgick1

[youngskywalker]

Therein lies the problem. I didn't even think this day would come after I very first called her up. A week and a half passes and she texts me asking me if I still wanna go out. So far it's been about half the time of that from my call on Tuesday. I personally don't mind it, as long as she's being honest. Which is the problem.

 

This is like deja vu to me. I just went through this same thing. She was always too busy meet up but reassured me that she was interested and wanted to see me. If I backed off she would eventually come around and even asked ME for a date. Circumstances would always come up (both her and I) and we never did get the dates going. Now it's over. We don't talk anymore.

 

I can't tell you the right thing to do but only tell you what I wish I didn't do. I started to get frustrated with this wonderful girl and put pressure on her to see me. Big mistake IMO. You need to be the strong person in this whole situation. If you feel like you want a break for a few weeks then cut her off... simple as that. If she calls you then keep the phone call short and ask her when she would like to go out sometime. Don't let her use you for an emotional crutch. Texts and phone calls early in a relationship are for setting up dates...... PERIOD.

 

If you can handle it emotionally I suggest you keep laying low and go with the flow. Keep trying but don't smother. If you can't handle that or it's not your style then dump this chick and move on.

[Mad Max]

10 days and not enough time to send a text or make a call? Unacceptable. LAUNCH.

[youngskywalker]

It all comes down to this. How do you value yourself and your time? If you wish to play the games then go for it and have fun with it. If you're going to get your F***ing heart all broke over this then get out now. LAUNCH.

 

IME, this girl isn't going to come around. I've been there.

[xRJ85x]

This is like deja vu to me. I just went through this same thing. She was always too busy meet up but reassured me that she was interested and wanted to see me. If I backed off she would eventually come around and even asked ME for a date. Circumstances would always come up (both her and I) and we never did get the dates going. Now it's over. We don't talk anymore.

 

I can't tell you the right thing to do but only tell you what I wish I didn't do. I started to get frustrated with this wonderful girl and put pressure on her to see me. Big mistake IMO. You need to be the strong person in this whole situation. If you feel like you want a break for a few weeks then cut her off... simple as that. If she calls you then keep the phone call short and ask her when she would like to go out sometime. Don't let her use you for an emotional crutch. Texts and phone calls early in a relationship are for setting up dates...... PERIOD.

 

If you can handle it emotionally I suggest you keep laying low and go with the flow. Keep trying but don't smother. If you can't handle that or it's not your style then dump this chick and move on.

 

You seem to have at least been pretty headstrong about it and made some progress. What did you say when you tried her a second time? I obviously am annoyed/upset over this, but those are two things I can't display over the phone. Also, I'm even debating now whether I should not call her, but text her. She always readily responded to text, and has always returned my CALLS with texts (see the very first time she got back to me).

 

I've dealt with long distance relationships before where I didn't see the girl for two-three weeks at a time, and I have no problem only seeing a girl every once in a while. My issue is simply one of honesty, is she really being sincere? I shouldn't expect you guys to know that answer cuz only she does, and in fact you all have made me actually optimistic because you kinda reaffirmed the hope that I had that she's just that: really f'n busy! I'm just upset because all the signs are there when I was with or in contact with her, and the huge gap is the only thing that's contradicting those actions.

 

Thanks though, skywalker. I plan on trying to contact her tomorrow evening, at the time I texted her the day after we met up. Then I just wait/give up.

[kdark]

You seem to have at least been pretty headstrong about it and made some progress. What did you say when you tried her a second time? I obviously am annoyed/upset over this, but those are two things I can't display over the phone. Also, I'm even debating now whether I should not call her, but text her. She always readily responded to text, and has always returned my CALLS with texts (see the very first time she got back to me).

 

I've dealt with long distance relationships before where I didn't see the girl for two-three weeks at a time, and I have no problem only seeing a girl every once in a while. My issue is simply one of honesty, is she really being sincere? I shouldn't expect you guys to know that answer cuz only she does, and in fact you all have made me actually optimistic because you kinda reaffirmed the hope that I had that she's just that: really f'n busy! I'm just upset because all the signs are there when I was with or in contact with her, and the huge gap is the only thing that's contradicting those actions.

 

Thanks though, skywalker. I plan on trying to contact her tomorrow evening, at the time I texted her the day after we met up. Then I just wait/give up.

 

I'm in the same situation. When we are in contact, all signs point strongly to her being interested. But she has cancelled on me twice, for legitimate reasons. But it's been almost three weeks since our last date.

 

I don't mind that she is cancelling, I just don't want her to keep leading me on if that is what she is doing.

[yongyong]

I think that's the Culture here, 'women pretend they are busy'

 

I mean, is she a CEO of a big corporation?

 

everytime I talk to girls who are just college students, part employees,

 

this is what they say 'let me check my schedule and get back to you'

 

I say **** that.

 

If she doesn't have 30 minutes to grab lunch with you, well then it's your

 

choice to bend over for her or not.

[mo mo]

I wouldn't say kick her to the curb but it is a good move to take stock of the flags. One is that people MAKE time for those they care about. Everyone "is busy" in their own right. Caring and sharing is about being accountable to one's word and considering the impact on the SO of contact or failure to contact. "Busy" is not an excuse more than once. If one cares he or she MAKES time to reflect that. I really see this as a big sign. I don't know anyone in a new relationship who isn't thrilled about it to the point that they actually WANT to be responsive and SECURE the fact that something meaningful is going on between the two.

 

I would be concerned about consistency of personality here too. We all have heard of mania and bi-polar. Well not everyone is a text book case. Millions of people--perhaps billions--have some level of highs and lows. It's not unusual for someone to get in the manic state and want to have a fling and satisfy all their passions only to somehow retreat from that in a bit of a low where they second-guess themselves and often tell themselves negatives including that the person they just had the fling with is ______ (fill in the blank with w/e negative).

 

We don't see what goes on in these people's lives in between so we fall for the illusion that they are up and peppy and vibrant all the time. They may only not be but they may be just the opposite between. It is totally self-indulgent of anyone to show as much affection and enthusiasm as you painted of her and then only consider their own feelings and issues, leaving the other person to wonder. You are not a just a character in her movie. She however is treating you like that by thinking you're a convenience when she's disposed to have a good time. Take this seriously: either she's showing you she's socially developed enough to sense responsibility with regard to taking on an SO or there's some sign of something missing. Hello. I wouldn't put up with it personally. It would be enough of a sign that there's a basic problem here that no matter of harsh talk can fix. Either it's in her canon to be considerate and value a social connection with you or it's not--you can't force that there. You want to know if it's going to work out, well, I think there's already an answer. The issue is how much shyte are you willing to take for what she does decide to throw you. Good luck.

 

I feel like I just read a chapter in the story of my life.

 

You just described the situation with quite a few girls I dated to the T.

[youngskywalker]

What did you say when you tried her a second time? I obviously am annoyed/upset over this, but those are two things I can't display over the phone. Also, I'm even debating now whether I should not call her, but text her. I'm just upset because all the signs are there when I was with or in contact with her, and the huge gap is the only thing that's contradicting those actions......I plan on trying to contact her tomorrow evening, at the time I texted her the day after we met up. Then I just wait/give up.

 

The difference between our situations is that we talked on the phone and texted for a few weeks. The contact was great, just no dates. Pissed me off big time. I think she was using me as a tampon to be honest.

 

Anyway, I think I'm getting the bigger picture now of what you have going on. I think you're making the wrong decision by making a second contact. The wait/give-up period is now. Why do you need to contact her again? What do you think it's going to accomplish? You did your part. Think of it this way, perhaps the girl is freaking out because she made out with you on the first date and she's unsure if she likes you. O.K. if that's true then if you call her (again) you'll put the nail in your own coffin. Or maybe she just used you for a make-out session and plans to do it again when 'she has time'. If that's true then let her use you again. Nothing wrong with that because that's the time you'll get to spend time with her and maybe she'll grow to like you. Just don't get your heart caught up if it goes down like that. If she pops up in two weeks you know she isn't serious about a relationship. You don't even have to ask her. It's up to you at that point if you want to have FWB or launch. She isn't serious.

 

I know it sucks but keep in mind there is a good chance that you're not going to hear back from this girl.... ever. It just happens man.

Edited December 19, 2010 by youngskywalker

[xRJ85x]

Massive headache right now.....

 

So Sunday rolled around, and I heard nothing. So I texted her saying "I left you a message last Tuesday, but I know how busy you are so I wasn't sure if you forgot and didn't get a chance to get back to me." I expected nothing. Venting on my friend, I suddenly got a text back from her saying "OMG I totally didn't know you called!!! I never check my voicemail and I just listened to it cuz you said something!" So I proceeded to ask her to meet up Wednesday. She said "I'd love to!" but she was leaving...make a big note of this...WEDNESDAY MORNING. She countered saying "Are you free Tuesday?" I said yes. This made my night/next day, because not only am I getting another shot, but all this talk in this thread about giving up was turned around.

 

So tonight I finalized plans with her....then the **** happens. She texted me back saying "I'm so sorry...please don't hate me. My friend who's driving me back home wants to leave tomorrow night. I will be back next week and I will contact you then!"

 

So now I'm sitting here extremely upset. One side of me knows that another cancel (she canceled the first date but rescheduled) plus no firm date = disaster. Another side of me trusted her through the first reschedule AND through not getting the voicemail last week, which she got back to me on. I haven't responded to her text yet, so any advice on what to say back would be greatly appreciated. I know I shouldn't be putting up with this, but that's just how into this girl I am.

 

What I'm seeing as the bottom line right now is that I should trust her because she wouldn't have responded to my text on Sunday if she wasn't really interested, right?

[mr.dream merchant]

There's been some super solid feedback in this thread, and before I post I wanted to give a thumbs up to the posters in here.

 

If you search for my thread OP, titled "what gives?", you'll see I went through something very similar with a woman I was involved with romantically and physically for 2 months. Towards the end of our...streak if you will, she started becoming very distant. I'd contact her, she wouldn't reply by phone or text. When she did reply, it was to tell me she was busy, or to cancel on a date we had scheduled an hour before the date actually happened.

 

What you have to realize, regardless of how much ifs, ands, or buts you can run through your head, that if someone wants to see you or contact you, they will. A text msg takes literally no time at all to send. In another thread I made a great example - even I could make a text/phone call or two while being chased by Jason...and that's a pretty dire scenario, you get me?

 

Nobody is ever so so so busy that they can't reply to a text. If that were the case, they wouldn't have time to sleep, eat, or use the restroom.

 

This girl is making a point, that she's going to utilize your company when she feels like it. It's best you take heed to this, and stop making contact with her. She has your number, she knows your interested, she knows how to reach you if she wants to do something. Leave it at that. Don't make the mistakes I, and so many other young men have made, and that is to keep barking up a tree for nothing.

 

You know what I did? I deleted her phone number. That helped me alot, because even though I was going NC until for some reason she happened to not be "busy" and contacted me, I still had to fight major urges to contact her. Sometimes I ended up doing it, and of course, she wouldn't reply. This would only hurt my ego a bit, and frustrate me a little.

 

Delete her number, stop questioning the ifs, ands, or buts. Realize that she has your number, and will contact you if she wants to. If she doesn't, won't you be so glad you got rid of her # when you did as opposed to continuously contacting her?

[BackUpOrGetStung]

Why are you restricting yourself?

 

You should be looking for other girls in the time between your contact with her. She clearly doesn't require much maintenance so you should be out talking to other women while you're waiting for her. The only reason you're so into her is because she's your only prospect. She is not nearly as into you as you are her, so you need to match her level of interest and other women create the perfect distraction.

[paleblue]

so any advice on what to say back would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

ok, call me sometime.

 

 

nothing more, nothing less. then write her off and just start talking to other girls.

[fishtaco]

Why are you restricting yourself?

 

You should be looking for other girls in the time between your contact with her. She clearly doesn't require much maintenance so you should be out talking to other women while you're waiting for her. The only reason you're so into her is because she's your only prospect. She is not nearly as into you as you are her, so you need to match her level of interest and other women create the perfect distraction.

 

This.

 

Did you have the exclusive talk with her? No? Then NOTHING you guys did mean anything. It was just all fun and games. One of the biggest mistakes people do is to read into things. You guys made out. Great. Does that mean she wants to make out with you again? Maybe, maybe not.

 

Maybe she's really busy, maybe she's just leading you on. You don't know. So do what BackUpOrGetStung said. Play along, go with the flow at her pace, but when she slows down, like right now, go get other women.