wtf?

[catgotyourtongue]

HI

I reread this email from HIM and what i see is something open, honest, heartfely. I dont even see this letter as drama. He had well formed thoughts, was kind in expressing his issues and repeatedly did not do blame game. I would love to have a man be able to take the time and internal processing to send me something like this. I am sorry you are hurt abt his reactions to the slutty comment, but this letter in no way to me is anything but thoughtful and real. He stated how he felt and that he needed time to process things, without attacking, wow that seems good to me. I am only referring to the letter since you posted it. I know nothing abt your history...

 

peace out

 

Yeah, so trying to be J's friend didn't work, but not for the reason I thought it wouldn't. We tried hanging out the other night in a platonic way. It wasn't that I felt attached or emotional. I was actually having a really good time until he flipped out on me.

 

Apparently I seriously wounded his ego with something I said. We were \anged a few emails, and he basically indicated he doesn't want me as a friend anymore. At least that's what I get reading between the lines.

 

Here are a few excerpts of what he said:

 

I've felt pretty down because of some of the things you said the last time we hung out, and although I'm not mad at you I'm also not sure how excited I am about seeing you again right away. Much of what you said is true and your take on my situation gave me a lot to think about, but your choices of timing and delivery... well, you're very insightful and extremely smart, but I think you risk reducing people and ideas to a hurtful degree.

 

I should clarify that I never thought you were doing or saying anything malicious: just that what you said has put my mind on a train of thought which is negative for me and I don't think I can see you until I've settled things internally. It's not an unproductive state, either -- just confusing, and kind of a downer. I don't think that internally you reduce me, or anyone else, to an oversimplification, but your manner of expressing your observations does have a tendency to come off harshly and on Tuesday it hit a lot of my personal chords. That tactlessness doesn't make you a jerk, I just think you run the risk of potentially hurting people without meaning to. Much like I do with my selfishness, absentminded, and often inconsistent behavior.

 

I'm not saying that I won't forgive you -- I'm saying that there's no insult to forgive. You didn't do anything wrong, you just said some true things in a way that has taken me down a path where I'm not going to feel 100% comfortable or safe around you for a little while. I'll get over it and probably grow from having heard it the way you said it. And I know that you care about and appreciate me: you say as much very regularly, and I do hear you. I just need a little space to examine what you said and figure out what to do with it, and that might take me a little time.

 

If I may suggest, let's talk about it in person after Christmas, which will give me enough time to process everything in a productive way. Does that sound okay to you? I don't want to confine this discussion to text, but I do want to give myself a little room to consider how I feel. I'm sorry if I came off sounding harsh or reductionist myself in that first email -- I'm just a little on edge, but I wasn't trying to unfairly criticize you.

 

WTF? I realize what I said was a bit tactless, but I have never criticized him before! If anything, I've been extremely complimentary and forgiving...even after he was a total dick to me and blew me off. I've told him many times how smart I think he is, and encouraged him when he's been down on himself about his career. He is also blunt himself, so I didn't think he'd be so sensitive.

[TaurusTerp]

From my view, that email you sent him was basically just throwing all the blame on him and not taking any sort of responsibility for your words and actions. Why are you bringing up his past injustices as though it "evens" you two out? Your entire email is setting yourself up as a victim rather than truly asking for any kind of honest discussion.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

This guy sounds like a real pu$$y. Don't feel bad because of how he feels. I think it's pretty obvious that email was supposed to make you feel bad; the way he keeps reiterating that it's not your fault and he just needs to move on is a trick to make it look like he's trying to be more mature when really, he is just upset that you stopped seeing him and he's trying to manipulate you into coming back. That last email was also meant to get a reaction out of you, if not, it would've been three sentences long. Don't fall for this, ignore him and let him burn in self pity.

[catgotyourtongue]

This guy sounds like a real pu$$y. Don't feel bad because of how he feels. I think it's pretty obvious that email was supposed to make you feel bad; the way he keeps reiterating that it's not your fault and he just needs to move on is a trick to make it look like he's trying to be more mature when really, he is just upset that you stopped seeing him and he's trying to manipulate you into coming back. .

 

I find it to interesting how we each have our own take on this, of course as individuals with bias and preferences etc but i did not see his letter this way at all. Quite the opposite. Sure I thought it had some inuendos and there was a bit of passive agressive, but if he wanted to be a di** he could have been. This letter to me seemed very honest, thought out, asking for some time and yet telling the OP about how he felt abt what she says, does, rather than lashing out. I was impressed with it actually. But then again, we all see things through our own lens, and to me, this was good communication...most don't have insight or words to tell someone they are disapointed in them, with tack and heart as it seemed he did do this well. I may be missing the whole point and background, but it's open to interpretation....

[dispatch3d]

I was actually just reading up on random things (OK I'm going to state right now I'm ****ing strange, and probably a bit too eccentric hahaha ), and came across "narcissistic rage" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_rage). The wikipedia article, and apparently there's a webpage for it.

 

At any rate, I think one of the biggest and most frequent mistakes a lot of psychologists make is concerning black and white thinking and their addressing of these "conditions". I'm beginning to think that things like "narcissim" or a "narcissist" is just a fallacy they have made up. It really represents a kind of diochotimy to me (except they are nice enough to say that "some narcissism" is healthy, bull****! ).

 

So if we pretend for a second that narcassism is just some made up word that really represents a type of humour behaviour. At this behaviours extreme, it begins to define that particular person, to the point where they are defined as a "narcissist", then we can best...I think... understand narcissism by looking at the most extreme cases. Lucky, psychology has already done that.

 

The narcisstic rage article immediately made me think of this thread so I had to search it out. I think narcissism is probably the biggest problem that could potentially hold any person back from achieving whatever goal they chose. I would venture to guess that a true narcissist is completely stuck in a particular personality. Prehaps when people stop developing from a personal perspective, they have actually just achieved some sort of "narcissism".

 

That article defines narcissistic rage or blame as:

 

 

• Narcissistic injury: An occasional or circumstantial threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist's grandiose and fantastic self-perception (False Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).
  
• Narcissistic wound: A repeated or recurrent identical or similar threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist's grandiose and fantastic self-perception (False Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).
  
• Narcissistic scar: A repeated or recurrent psychological defence against a narcissistic wound. Such a narcissistic defence is intended to sustain and preserve the narcissist's grandiose and fantastic self-perception (False Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).
  

Everything seems to come into focus a bit. His apparent "bad" treatment of you is the narcisstic injury. I can't remember the exact thing he did, posters are saying its because he wasn't willing to enter in a relationship. You feel he has treated you unjustly (I think?). Again, my apologies for not remembering details, but I'm just very absorbed in other concepts (ie. the one I'm discussing now).

 

The injury created the wound, that your ego had been thrown out of whack. That this guy, for some reason, was being offended when really he had "no right to be". Your sense of self is probably vastly different than your true sense of self. I would say this is true for EVERYONE. It's more a question of what degree this is true - to state things positively, the closer a persons self-image is to their real image is probably simply a reflection of how little narcissism they actually have. The farther away from reality they are, the farther they venture into true narcissism. Possibly at the extreme's are the serial killers, etc. (obviously the absolute extreme's, and this is merely simple conjecture from me). I only express this because I think it's easiest to see the problems which arise from certain behaviours at the extreme's, and if these particular people were at the extreme then knowing their own behaviours could help influence the natural problems+signs of narcissism.

 

So the scar will of course form to protect your ego. The fact you stated yourself that you're opinionated will make it much harder for you to accept other people's idea's or opinions on the situation. That's fair enough, and I"m sure my own solid concrete ideas hurt my own thoughts. THis very post, one very large idea (or small, lol, who am I kidding! ) represents a limitation in my thought. If I could see your side better, I'd probably analyze things a little more effectively and not be so constrained by my views.

 

I further thought about this in terms of "hate" or when people decide they are "done with someone". However you would term it. Like you are either lovers with this particular guy, friends, or enemies?? Although I guess the third state you would never directly state, and would likely avoid as it would tarnish your character - to have enemies really says negative things about a person. Perhaps I should view my own "enemies" as such, call them that, to better overcome my differences with them.

 

Anyhow relating it to "hating" someone seems obvious. I think someone who has a lot of people they "hate" or "dislike" or "can't handle" is actually just a sign that they are an extreme narcissist. I often suspect these people are narcissists simply by their treatment of others, and their own treatment of the world. They perceive a particular person did "wrong" (narcissistic injury) to them, and then decide to hold them accountible for the "wrong doing" (narcissistic wound) and then prehaps tell other people about, getting support+justifications for their own actions and thoughts (narcissistic scar).

 

I say this simply because I used to be very guilty, and have recently come to terms with the fact that holding people in the "hate" category of my life serves me no particularly good function. I have nothing to gain from "hating" someone. Neither benefits. I further think its just a reflection of my own narcissism. Sure there are some people who are generally bad people, and I should act in a manner to protect myself from harm from them, but that doesn't mean I have to hold grudges, look to get back at them, try to hold them accountable, or whatever. It many instances I would be better off to simply fly under the radar of these people, rather than make myself known. What is the point? These people I supposedly "hate" are often... well always I would say... very angry and hurt people. Likely just suffering. I don't need to add to their problems by being a dick to them forever, talking **** about them, or whatever.

 

Anyhow, I guess that's my "rant". Although I produced it here simply to help my analysis of my thoughts on these concepts (not even necessarily your situation, which no offense intended, I don't give a **** about hahahaha ). If you chose to refute anything feel free too.

 

Best of luck

 

PS. Being intelligent or gifted also goes hand in hand with being incredibly sensitive or over-reactive, and another sign is being opinionated. You can search for these things on wikipedia. It would not surprise me if the average person on this forum was intelligent simply because reactive people would be drawn to this type of thing. I also was avoiding this thread after my initial post because I didn't want to take part in the drama of the thing.