LDR...stay or go?

[rhonian]

Well, Im new here and I need help from both men/women.....I have been in an LDR for 2+ years. We dated in h.s. and 20yrs later we met up and started our relationship at our h.s. reunion (2008). We live 100 miles from each other and 99% of the time its me that makes the trek to her. Last Saturday morning, I walked out on her and the relationship.....

 

Heres what happened.....we were getting ready for bed Friday nite and our puppy was in his bed in our room. She came in and took hold of his collar and started to lead him into her sons bedroom. I asked her, "What are you doing?". She replied, "Taking him into Ben's(12) room." I said, "Dont take him in there. He doesnt like sleeping in there." (because the previous nite the dog woke up scratching at Ben's bedroom door wanting out and wanting to go to his bed in our room) ..... she replied, "Dont say that! You are going to hurt Bens feelings!" I just looked at her with this puzzled look on my face and said, "What are you talking about?" She said, "He doesnt want to hear that, you are going to offend him!" I then replied, "Hes in his bedroom and I wasnt trying to offend him just stating a fact." That was the end of that and we slept in the same bed but didnt speak the rest of the nite. The next morning we still didnt speak until she walked into the bedroom and said, "Are you staying or leaving?" I just looked at her and said, "You always take the easy way out dont you?" She said, "No, or I would of done that last nite." She left the room, went downstairs and took Ben to the dentist. I immediately got out of bed, packed my things and made the 100 mile drive home. When I was almost home, I received a text from her that her mother/brother are on their way and I can meet them at a local rest for lunch if I want. I texted her back "We both want to love and be loved, Iam not in a relationship where iam appreciated. Im home. Sorry." She replies, "Dont be sorry I was feeling the same with you. Goodbye." Ever since that text I have implemented the NO CONTACT rule and we havent had any contact.

 

Other facts:

1) She has rooted thru my dresser drawers.

2) She has got pissed off about a conversation I was having with a female friend we both knew in h.s. at a bar one nite.

3) She has researced my cell phone account calls on the internet.

4) She has said, (concerning her ex-HB and his new wife/baby being sick and asking if Ben can come back home so he doesn get sick) "F*** her, Ben was here first, she can go to her mothers house!"

5) She has yelled at her mother for scolding her grandson for spitting spitballs at his g-mother at the dinner table! (I still havent got over this one!!!!)

6) She has protected Ben from punishment for scratching my truck with a snowscraper after he lied and said he didnt do it.

7) She has called me names during an argument and she knows that I dont like it.

8) She has sent a "cover-text" to my cell phone after she has viewed my phone to see who was texting me.

9) She has MAJORILY overreacted when a few of my buddies wanted to go to a restaurant to see the "sights" and "boobies". I didnt write the comments they were sent over a fishing site that we all keep in contact thru but she lit me up over something someone else said.

 

My question is (ladies)....What do you think she is thinking/feeling right now? What are the odds that the NC is working? For my reasons, I feel like I have to break her stubborness and need to always be right. I have run (driven) to her EVERY SINGLE TIME in this relationship and even when I didnt feel like I was wrong. I do want this relationship and I do love her but her ways are so over the top. Its like she puts me in her "BOX" and trys to control me in that box. Please help.....with your best advice. Thanks in advance.

[january2010]

It sounds like you had a petty argument that has blown out of proportion leading to you both taking drastic action.

 

Nevertheless, in my experience, petty arguments can be a manifestation of an underlying unresolved issue in the relationship.

 

Based on what you've written about her behaviour, it sounds like she does not quite trust you. If her trust has been betrayed in the past, e.g., through infidelity, this is understandable but unfortunate for you.

 

It sounds as though you are starting to feel hemmed in and resentful of putting in effort into the relationship when you don't feel appreciated/trusted and thus the resulting power struggle and petty arguments.

 

It is up to you whether or not you love her enough to work through this and to reassure her that she can trust you. If you do want to save the relationship, I suggest a frank talk about what's been going on with a committed plan on how to move forward.

 

Regarding NC, it's not really a strategy to get someone to come back to you, though that may be one result. It's mainly a strategy for dumpees to create space for their own healing.

[rhonian]

for your intelligent reply to my situation. I really appreciate it. I was beginning to wonder if I had come across as an a$$ with my story. I will be totally honest and say that I have committed my wrongdoings in this relationship. Nearly all of them have come when we have argued and it looked like the relationship was over and I FOOLISHLY lashed out at her. She has abondonment issues from her father deserting the family when she was 2. Then her stepfather (who she admires to this day) was unfaithful to her mom when she was 17 really had a negative result when it comes to trusting men. Her mother and aunt are "men bashers" due to their failed relationships. I completely understand that she does/will have trust issues when it comes to men. I recognized it early on in the relationship and I never gave her any reason to not trust me. I was told early on by a friend that when a woman has abandonment issues with their father you will have problems thruout the relationship IF she hasnt dealt with that relationship with her father. I feel like Iam carrying more than I can bear with her lack of trust. Then there is the issue of her SEVERE OVERPROTECTIVENESS when it comes to her son. He does no wrong and only gets disciplined by her. I truly love this girl and want this relationship but I cannot live my life in her box....IAM WHO IAM! As for the NC, I really am just trying to send the message that I cant be the one to run to her every time. Not once in over 2 years has she ever come to me begging me to say together but I have done it several times for her/us. If only we had the power to read minds......

[january2010]

It does sound like she's had a lot of negative influences that may have contributed to her current behaviour.

 

If she has abandonment and trust issues, it is going to take a lot of work to work through those with her. She will need a stable, steadfast and patient partner who is going to be strong enough to support her and prove every single time that he will not leave and that she really can count on him. Do you love her enough to do that?

 

Until she works through her issues, she is going to keep testing you because at the bottom of her heart, she thinks that you're going to leave her anyway and if/when you do leave, she'll just think that she was right all along. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's why NC may not necessarily work with her.

 

If you're serious about this relationship, I suggest some kind of counselling, as a couple and individually.

 

Regarding her son, I think that until she accepts you as an equal partner in this relationship, her parenting decisions don't really concern you yet, particularly as the relationship is long-distance.

 

The distance issue is bound to have some effect as well. If you decide to really give it your best shot, it's worth considering if you are able to move closer to give her the support she needs.

[rhonian]

You are really good at this. Do you do this professionally? You certainly have put our relationship into perspective. Almost to the point of me wanting to call her to work things out and that is something that I have not wanted to do and have been telling myself that I will not do. I guess, to answer your question and say that although I do love this woman dearly, I cannot commit to quitting my job and moving to Philadelphia from Baltimore. I just cant do it. I have seen red flags from her in our time together that I do not fully trust will not become MAJOR (divorce) issues down the road. I have been trying to convince myself that I would make the move but the red flags hold me back from making that commitment. There are times when I have believed that I would do it and then sooner or later a battle arises between us where I tell myself that I would be a fool to make the move. I was married for 16 years and left Florida (wife/kids) and started all over again 1000 miles away. Im scared to death to have to lose what I have worked so hard for and possibly have to start over again. The possibility of asking my parents to move back in with them at 40 years old because her and I didnt work out makes me nausious......thanks again for your words.

[Graceful]

I will be totally honest and say that I have committed my wrongdoings in this relationship. Nearly all of them have come when we have argued and it looked like the relationship was over and I FOOLISHLY lashed out at her. She has abondonment issues from her father deserting the family when she was 2. Then her stepfather (who she admires to this day) was unfaithful to her mom when she was 17 really had a negative result when it comes to trusting men. Her mother and aunt are "men bashers" due to their failed relationships.

I am not going to be as forgiving in my response to you b/c I do not subscribe to the idea that you, as the partner of a seemingly damaged person from a past that is ridden with dysfunction, has to put up with being treated poorly and baited to the point where you lash out and she gets to say, "see, you are just like all other men" and continues the cycle of bashing that was set for her by her "role models" from the women in her family of origin. What I am saying is that you get to choose if this is the life, the relationship, the pattern that you want in your life, b/c what you are seeing is what you will be getting. This woman seems to have no interest in seeing a therapist or working with you to create a communication route that would be productive, workable, and yes, loving. No way that's going to happen without some intervention.

 

I completely understand that she does/will have trust issues when it comes to men. I recognized it early on in the relationship and I never gave her any reason to not trust me. I was told early on by a friend that when a woman has abandonment issues with their father you will have problems thruout the relationship IF she hasnt dealt with that relationship with her father. I feel like Iam carrying more than I can bear with her lack of trust. Then there is the issue of her SEVERE OVERPROTECTIVENESS when it comes to her son. He does no wrong and only gets disciplined by her. I truly love this girl and want this relationship but I cannot live my life in her box....IAM WHO IAM!

You will never be free to be who you are b/c this is a r/l that has been, and will always be, about her. Her son. Her issues. Her abandonment issues, her lack of trust, her her her.

 

Two years is long enough at your age to see that this is not a suitable match for either of you, and that love is not going to change any of the long-standing issues. You are not married to her, her son is not your son, and you can dodge a bullet by walking away as soon as possible.

 

I would no sooner move closer to a person like this than I would move closer to a bomb that was about to detonate. Sorry, don't mean to harsh on you, but if you pursue this r/l, you will have only yourself to blame, b/c the writing is on the wall, and you are staring at it. Please, read it and see the red flags waving at you.

 

 

As for the NC, I really am just trying to send the message that I cant be the one to run to her every time. Not once in over 2 years has she ever come to me begging me to say together but I have done it several times for her/us. If only we had the power to read minds.....

You have already set a precedent, and now it's time to set a new one by breaking off with her. Stand up for yourself, and stop humiliating yourself for a woman who does not appreciate you, and never will. This is a very unhealthy dynamic, and you do not need to be able to read her mind to know what she is thinking. You need to just look at the number of times this has happened, see the pattern for what it is, and to stay away from someone who, sadly, does not have the skills to be in a healthy r/l.

 

I am not suggesting that we abandon the people that we love in our lives, but if you don't see that she has been pushing you away and does not have the skills (or want to acquire them) to help herself understand how to treat someone, you can't do it for her. Sorry, if you go back, all you are doing is instituting the "long goodbye", nothing will change and it will just be rinse, recycle, and repeat. Please don't do this to yourself.

 

PS You can see I am taking a much different stand on this than January, and it is to give you a different POV. I respect January's advice, but I am offering a different POV b/c I honestly see this very differently. I am giving you this advice b/c you are the one that wrote into this board, and you are the one is distress. I see absolutely no evidence from you that this woman wants you any closer than you are now, and in fact, might lash out at your further if you moved any closer. I honestly think she does not know any better and feel badly, but you get to choose, I cannot stress this enough. You get to choose the life you deserve. And you get to choose if this is the way you want to live. Your decision. Take care.

Edited December 19, 2010 by Graceful

[rhonian]

I sincerely thank you for your words too, Graceful! I want you to know to you that your words have confirmed my very thoughts since way back when we first started this r/l and she started rooting thru my dresser drawers creating trust issues for the both of us (one of my first red flags). Then, after me giving her my Verizon cell account password, without me knowing, she went into my account and researched my calls. (red flag) Its crazy, Iam a very trusting person, my parents tell me too trusting at times but her untrustful ways affected me to the point where I started to not trust her. It wasnt really anything that she was doing, it was just the fact that she didnt trust me when I knew I was 100% loyal to her that got my wheels turning that maybe she is the one not to be trusted. You have described her to a "T" and I feel so good right now to have an "outsider" (you) confirm everything that I have been feeling for months. So, for that I say thank you and you are totally right, IT IS MY CHOICE IT IS MY LIFE! DRAMA and DIVORCE vs HEALTHY and HAPPY!?

[january2010]

you get to choose, I cannot stress this enough. You get to choose the life you deserve. And you get to choose if this is the way you want to live. Your decision. Take care.

 

Completely and absolutely agree.

 

IT IS MY CHOICE IT IS MY LIFE! DRAMA and DIVORCE vs HEALTHY and HAPPY!?

 

It is indeed. I don't advocate that you work on the relationship if that's not what you want. I don't know if I would work through the relationship if I were in your shoes. But that doesn't matter.

 

What matters is that, ultimately, it's for you to decide, as Graceful wrote.

 

Graceful and I and others can give our points of view, which most likely are coloured by our own experiences, but that's all they are, points of view. You can collect two, two hundred or two thousand, but at the end of day, the buck stops with you. And having been through a very committed relationship before that didn't quite work out, I suspect that you may be afraid of making a mistake with this relationship. Once bitten, twice shy, so to speak.

 

Do you love her enough to take a chance and give her what she needs? Or are there too many dealbreakers for you and it's time to call it quits?

Edited December 19, 2010 by january2010

[durkadurka]

I'm not going to lie, you sound like a man child. When I opened this thread, this is not what I expected.

[rhonian]

Id love to hear your thots.....try not to leave your thoughts so open/ended, general and vague...it doesnt help me much. Constructive or not I can take it.

[Graceful]

I sincerely thank you for your words too, Graceful! I want you to know to you that your words have confirmed my very thoughts since way back when we first started this r/l and she started rooting thru my dresser drawers creating trust issues for the both of us (one of my first red flags). Then, after me giving her my Verizon cell account password, without me knowing, she went into my account and researched my calls. (red flag) Its crazy, Iam a very trusting person, my parents tell me too trusting at times but her untrustful ways affected me to the point where I started to not trust her. It wasnt really anything that she was doing, it was just the fact that she didnt trust me when I knew I was 100% loyal to her that got my wheels turning that maybe she is the one not to be trusted. You have described her to a "T" and I feel so good right now to have an "outsider" (you) confirm everything that I have been feeling for months. So, for that I say thank you and you are totally right, IT IS MY CHOICE IT IS MY LIFE! DRAMA and DIVORCE vs HEALTHY and HAPPY!?

 

I am very glad my words struck a chord with you. Sometimes it is astonishing what a total stranger can see and point out to you that was what you saw all along, and validate you.

 

I just saw your new post, and am very pleased you are going to adhere to NC and start down a more positive path.

 

You will soon be scratching your head as to how you ever got sucked into her vortex of distrust and dysfunction. That kind of person cannot survive without drama. It is all they know. No way should you ever give out access to your cell phone again. Someone rifles through my drawers? Seriously? Someone calls me names? They are told once, never again. If it persists, they are gone. Someone tells me to shut up? History. Seriously. Disrespect is the worst thing, don't ever allow it again.

 

One thing I did want to mention on a practical level is that you should change your password to your Verizon account(s) and any other accounts she has access to. Also, defriend her from FB or any other social network site. Please do this asap. Block her. And do not speak to her. She is going to think this is just another tiff, and you will be back. Not this time.

 

So glad you can see you had the choice. Not saying you will not feel bad, or even miss her, but that is secondary right now. Hope you see that.

Take care. My heart is filled with hope for you. Grace