soulm8 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 (edited) Hello LS family! I've been MIA for a while, but lurked a few times. Nice to see familiar screen names! I've been to hell and back, so to speak, a few times lol. I guess I'm a sucker for punishment and my heart is bigger than my brain. I recently met someone new that really intrigues me. It's refreshing because it doesn't happen very often. I'm extremely picky and quirky, I suppose. I'm also finding it rather challenging to not over-analyze everything. I've never really been a rules-follower, but I'm curious to know how you feel about taking things to a sexual level with someone new. Perhaps it's just me, but I find all the advice on the topic to be so contradictory it's confusing! My 'problem' is that once I meet someone I'm actually attracted to... I struggle with "rules" so much so that it's difficult to find a healthy balance between "going slowly" and being a tease. It's so weird because I have no problem shutting men down when it's not mutual... but when it is... woah! hmmm. Funny how "like" can turn anyone into a teenager again Just wanted to clarify that I am very careful NOT to lead men on when I'm not feeling a connection - I know within the first week of meeting someone if there's potential and if it's not there... I let them know. Edited December 18, 2010 by soulm8
sagetalk Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 What rules are you struggling with? I assume you mean not sleeping with him too soon, but I could be wrong. That is an excellent rule to follow if you want a healthy LTR. It is your best protection from guys that just want sex. Guys can only fake it for so long, most of those guys will split if you don't put out soon. If they do, you did yourself a huge favor. I've found that it cannot be overstated enough to not get too excited or involved too soon. Your feelings and his will be much less fickle the longer you take to get to know him.
AverageJoe Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 And now for a male perspective. You do what you are comfortable with. Let things take its natural course.
Author soulm8 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 What rules are you struggling with? I assume you mean not sleeping with him too soon, but I could be wrong. That is an excellent rule to follow if you want a healthy LTR. It is your best protection from guys that just want sex. Guys can only fake it for so long, most of those guys will split if you don't put out soon. If they do, you did yourself a huge favor. I've found that it cannot be overstated enough to not get too excited or involved too soon. Your feelings and his will be much less fickle the longer you take to get to know him. Yes... sleeping with him too soon. It's all fine to say that the longer you wait the better to prove he's not a player... but... where's the line? There's a line between screening out a player and coming across as one yourself! I understand what you're saying. I do. What's the magic time frame?
Str8noChaser Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Yes... sleeping with him too soon. It's all fine to say that the longer you wait the better to prove he's not a player... but... where's the line? There's a line between screening out a player and coming across as one yourself! I understand what you're saying. I do. What's the magic time frame? There is no magic time frame. TRUST a player will sense you have him on some magical time frame and still play his game. Best to trust your instincts and take things as far you are physically & emotionally ready for and just prepare yourself for the reality that every man you date, you will not marry. If you can keep that all in it's proper perspective, you'll have an active dating life and hopefully some decent sex every now and again Good luck to you!
Author soulm8 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 And now for a male perspective. You do what you are comfortable with. Let things take its natural course. Which is what I do... but with all the crappy advice out there, not to mention Pandora's Box, etc., how is a woman to know when a man is simply just biding his time to nail her?
AverageJoe Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Which is what I do... but with all the crappy advice out there, not to mention Pandora's Box, etc., how is a woman to know when a man is simply just biding his time to nail her? Whether you agree with it or not that is most every mans goal, ultimately. Besides, you get sex too.
Author soulm8 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 Best to trust your instincts and take things as far you are physically & emotionally ready for and just prepare yourself for the reality that every man you date, you will not marry. Yeah. I guess I'm just still healing. Marriage has never been on my agenda, especially now that I'm divorced. Whether you agree with it or not that is most every mans goal, ultimately. Besides, you get sex too. I know! I just don't share well. lol Does that make me possessive?
sagetalk Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 And now for a male perspective. You do what you are comfortable with. Let things take its natural course. I'm a male. Which is what I do... but with all the crappy advice out there, not to mention Pandora's Box, etc., how is a woman to know when a man is simply just biding his time to nail her? It varies. As others have said, if he's an attractive player that knows what he's doing, you're toast the majority of the time. The only way to find out is to not have sex with him for awhile. Unless you look like scarlett johansson, most of those types of guys will give up. It's up to you, but wisdom says to make him wait.
Author soulm8 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 It varies. As others have said, if he's an attractive player that knows what he's doing, you're toast the majority of the time. The only way to find out is to not have sex with him for awhile. Unless you look like scarlett johansson, most of those types of guys will give up. It's up to you, but wisdom says to make him wait. Thanks Sage. I just wanted some male perspective because I have been accused of being a player in the past. I'll just have to do my best to enjoy the journey and fight the chemistry!
AverageJoe Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I'm a male. Sorry, wouldnt have thunk it.
Author soulm8 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 Oh dear! He was supposed to work from 4pm to 1am but wants to quit early and come see me... suggesting he crash on my couch so he can go to work for 9am.
aerogurl87 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 You could take Patti Stanger's advice (the lady from that show Millionaire Matchmaker) and tell him no sex till monogamy is established if you're comfortable with that.
Author soulm8 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 You could take Patti Stanger's advice (the lady from that show Millionaire Matchmaker) and tell him no sex till monogamy is established if you're comfortable with that. Yeah, that was put out there the first time we made out. It was fairly smooth... he apologized for being such a horndog a few times. He also asked me how my kids would react to "a guy in your bed". My answer, "They'd know the guy was my boyfriend and not Just a guy". So... he showed up with a bottle of wine and a DVD. We had a lovely time and behaved.
Author soulm8 Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 We've bantered back and forth a few text messages, and he called on his break. We were going to meet up tomorrow, but he hinted that he'd like to come back tonight for more spooning. It kinda threw me off because I was looking forward to tomorrow... so I didn't give him the thumbs up but reminded him that I'm not looking for a fling. As you can imagine, the conversation got a little awkward. Here we go... weeee
Author soulm8 Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 He's cool. He understands how I feel and respects that. I hope he does. As fun and lovely as it is to snuggle up and spoon... it's too easy to get carried away.
DuskCrush Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I don't know...it depends on what you want. It sounds like you want more than a casual relationship...otherwise you wouldn't be so conflicted. I think you should wait a few months. If a guy really likes you...he will wait.
Author soulm8 Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 I don't know...it depends on what you want. It sounds like you want more than a casual relationship...otherwise you wouldn't be so conflicted. I think you should wait a few months. If a guy really likes you...he will wait. Yeah, I'm not casual. Neither is he... so we'll just have to see.
Distant78 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I don't know...it depends on what you want. It sounds like you want more than a casual relationship...otherwise you wouldn't be so conflicted. I think you should wait a few months. If a guy really likes you...he will wait. And if a woman really likes you, she'll let him have his say in the relationship. A relationship doesn't revolve only around a woman's happiness. I'm going to play Devil here. OP seriously, if you keep confusing the guy, he's going to fly away. Men don't like a woman who goes back and forth. We'll drop them and move on.
creighton0123 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I would say that you should take control over the situation. Be a strong, powerful, independent woman who acts rationally and does what she wants. If you find him sexually appealing, there is nothing wrong with taking him to bed. Of course, you have children to consider so I would be particularly discreet at first, not letting the kids become attached until you know he's a class act. Just be honest when you do. Let him know that you're interested in him as more than a fling and clarify that he is looking for the same. In past relationships, I have learned one thing: When it comes to relationships that only lasted a short while, there is no "hell and back again". There are only relationships that end successfully. You deserve a nice guy. One who will respect you and your family and treat you well. The prowess of their sex drive simply implies how soon and how often you two will have sex, not whether or not he is a player. I'd like to think that when it comes to approaching sex with a mature, adult attitude, waiting another week or two really doesn't make that much of a difference. If you want to have sex with him and he is willing, by all means enjoy yourself :-D Hell, if things don't work out at least you had a good time. Oh, and be safe. Safer sex is more important than anything else, especially when you have others to think of.
Author soulm8 Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 And if a woman really likes you, she'll let him have his say in the relationship. A relationship doesn't revolve only around a woman's happiness. I'm going to play Devil here. OP seriously, if you keep confusing the guy, he's going to fly away. Men don't like a woman who goes back and forth. We'll drop them and move on. Hmmm. How am I going back and forth? How does my wanting to discuss exclusivity and sexual expectations before going all the way... revolve around only my happiness? What's confusing? -We met, -went on a date, had a kissing session, -had another date and then makeout session, -he came over last night and progressed to sleeping fully clothed together. I want a boyfriend, not just a lover or fling. His suggesting another sleepover (so soon) confused ME. I'd like to get to know him better and enjoy activities with him... the hanging out at home thing is great but too soon to make the norm. Quite honestly, if he "drops" me... that'd be in my best interest before I fall in love with him.
Author soulm8 Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 I would say that you should take control over the situation. Be a strong, powerful, independent woman who acts rationally and does what she wants. If you find him sexually appealing, there is nothing wrong with taking him to bed. Of course, you have children to consider so I would be particularly discreet at first, not letting the kids become attached until you know he's a class act. Just be honest when you do. Let him know that you're interested in him as more than a fling and clarify that he is looking for the same. In past relationships, I have learned one thing: When it comes to relationships that only lasted a short while, there is no "hell and back again". There are only relationships that end successfully. You deserve a nice guy. One who will respect you and your family and treat you well. The prowess of their sex drive simply implies how soon and how often you two will have sex, not whether or not he is a player. I'd like to think that when it comes to approaching sex with a mature, adult attitude, waiting another week or two really doesn't make that much of a difference. If you want to have sex with him and he is willing, by all means enjoy yourself :-D Hell, if things don't work out at least you had a good time. Oh, and be safe. Safer sex is more important than anything else, especially when you have others to think of. Yes, I'm considering my kids. He's aware of the fact that they aren't here next week... so that's also why his intent of coming again 2 nights in a row, while my kids are here... is a little... fast. Lastnight was cool. We hung out and just my son was home... and we behaved. He knows where I stand... and claims to understand and respect it... so time will only tell. Trust me, I'm chomping at the bit and letting him know.
FryFish Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Do what feels right... I wouldnt call you a player but you are certainly playing games here. There is no schedule to follow. If you want a boyfriend then let him be your boyfriend. It sounds like that is what he wants.
Author soulm8 Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Do what feels right... I wouldnt call you a player but you are certainly playing games here. There is no schedule to follow. If you want a boyfriend then let him be your boyfriend. It sounds like that is what he wants. Please explain what games I'm certainly playing.
Distant78 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Hmmm. How am I going back and forth? How does my wanting to discuss exclusivity and sexual expectations before going all the way... revolve around only my happiness? What's confusing? -We met, -went on a date, had a kissing session, -had another date and then makeout session, -he came over last night and progressed to sleeping fully clothed together. I want a boyfriend, not just a lover or fling. His suggesting another sleepover (so soon) confused ME. I'd like to get to know him better and enjoy activities with him... the hanging out at home thing is great but too soon to make the norm. Quite honestly, if he "drops" me... that'd be in my best interest before I fall in love with him. You keep playing games with the guy here. We men don't like to wait for a woman to stop playing games. Tell us how you feel so we can get the ball rolling. I'm not going to date a woman 8 to 20 times and not feel something. If you want him to be your boyfriend, tell him how you feel, what you want and let him have his say, and it's obvious he feels the same way for you. Stop holding it over his head and hesitating. He isn't going to wait freaking 5 years for you to make a decision. You say you want him, then go get him.
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