m2s Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Im new on this forum. My situation is I was with my fiance for 5 years. We have a 2 year old child together. I thought life was great. We were on the same page about everything, never argued, everyone thought we had the perfect relationship - including me. We went on a family holiday together and when we got back, he told me that he didnt love me and that he hadnt been happy for 12 months. The sunday before we went away, we were actually looking at another property to purchase. Anyways, I begged him to stay, to work on the realationship, and told him that i didnt realise that he was unhappy (and neither did anyone else) He said that he had made his decision and he wasnt interested in trying to save it. He then said that he needed some time "alone" to find himself again and try to get back to the old him. He moved out about 3 weeks later, and when I was moving his car to get my child to school i found the cheque for the bond made out to himself and a girl. When I confronted him about it he said it was a friends cousin, moving in to help pay the bills. I then found out through someone else that it was a girl that he met at work. When I confronted him about it he said he didnt know how to tell me. To say i am shattered is an understatement. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man, and have more children. I had my whole life planned. I am so disappointed that he could throw his family, his child, a gorgeous house everything away, without even giving us a chance. He came around last week (so this has been 5 weeks now) to collect some more stuff. I had made myself look nice as i knew he was coming. When he left he sent me a text saying "When in the last 5 years did you wear makeup during the week..... oh i dont remember...." Why the hell would he say something like that???? I wish someone could knock some sense into him. Make him realise what he is giving up.
sirweasles Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Its painful but I think what you need to do is just move on. He will continue to attack you out of his own guilt and its only going to make you feel worse. You need to go out with friends have fun interact with him only as much as you have to for the childs sake and dont leave him an opening to attack you. move on not nessisarily with another man yet you have to find you first.
tojaz Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 m2s, welcome to LS and sorry you have reason to be here. Yours is an all too common story I'm afraid. Walkaway spouses (WAS) are all over right now Im afraid. The text you mention was an emotional jab. A way for him to express his anger, and keep you at a distance as he sees you trying and that makes it harder for him. Right now he is in a fog and any effort you make towards him will most likely elicit the same sort of response. For the time being focus on you for now, read the stories here, and continue to post your own. Look up "The 180" its a good place for you to start. Keep posting TOJAZ
homebrew Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I know you are hurting... So I apologize in advice for what I am about to say... I think you and a lot of other women need to hear this... The Truth from a man! A REAL MAN would never have been in a 5 year relationship with you, have a child with you and not married you up to this point. I am here to tell you, that he never really intended to marry you. In his mind, he thought and held out (not get married) because there might be something "better". If something "better" doesn't come along and they do end up getting married, they behave and leave pretty much in the manner you were. Think about this... 1. He said he was unhappy for a year and does not say anything. Either he is a fool for staying that long or he is lying to you. Whichever one it is, it's not something one does if he cares about himself or you. 2. He just up and left you for someone else... What do you think he would have done when life throws you a real curve-ball... like a sickness, job loss, family issues, etc.? 3. He spent 5 years with you and you are the mother of his child... He should have sat you down and been honest with you. Even if he still wanted to leave, he could have done it in a far better way... For your sake, for his sake and more importantly your child's sake. I know it doesn't seem this way now... If you think about it, the end of your relationship with him is really a success story. With a guy like him, it was never going to end well for you. Better now, before you were married (not that I believe that was ever going to happen with this guy) and your child was older. This is for all the Ladies out there... If you are dating a man (25 and older) for 2 - 3 years and he hasn't popped the question by now and actively taking steps towards making marrying you happen... He is either "using" you, commitment phoebe or he is waiting for something better! None of those is a positive outcome for you! Note: When I say taking steps towards marriage... I am talking about ACTION, NOT TALKING! There is a HUGE difference... talk is cheap and does not mean anything at all! When a man wants to get married... He is ready right then and there! He will make sure it happens, plain and simple. There IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION!!!!! Do not think your case is "special'!
imagine Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I'm with Homebrew on this one! Ladies marry a man with a plan. I doubt that ex fiance would have lasted long as a husband. He sounds more like a freeloader than a home builder! M2s (or anybody), how do you know whether a man is looking for a companion or a prostitute?
homebrew Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I'm with Homebrew on this one! Ladies marry a man with a plan. I doubt that ex fiance would have lasted long as a husband. He sounds more like a freeloader than a home builder! M2s (or anybody), how do you know whether a man is looking for a companion or a prostitute? Being a guy... I will take a stab at that. 1. A guy under 25 does not know who or what he wants. He is not marriage material. It's not all men under 25 but most! 2. Judge a man by his friends. Are his friends looking to meet the one? Are they pro marriage? Do they respect and value women? 3. Judge a man by his actions! Is he taking the lead in the relationship? Is he on a consistent basis moving the relationship forward? Meeting and wanting to spend time with each others friends and family? Wanting to get to know them? Have NO ISSUE WHATSOEVER talking about your future and about being married to you. He will NOT FEEL PRESSURED! A real good secret is this... A REAL MAN can see / smell BS from another guy from a mile away when it comes to him being marriage material or if he is interested in it. So if you have a REAL MAN as a friend or a girlfriend who is married or dating one... The four of you need to go have dinner together. I promise, within 5 minutes of sitting down together, the REAL MAN can tell you with 90% accuracy on whether or not the guy has plans on marrying you or not. It's Guaranteed! Men can't bullcrap other men in this department... Trust us!
imagine Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Hey, I don't know whether to turn my real man badge in or not. In a couples discussion we men talk sport or business. The ladies talk romance. If the ladies dominate the table, the guys just wiggle eyebrows.
homebrew Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Imagine... You are still a man... So you get to keep your card. I wouldn't expect you to talk with another man about his feelings and romance... In talking and being around another guy about guy stuff... You still can tell very quickly on whether or not he is a dweeb, a d1ckhead, mommas boy, commitment phoebe, player, etc. Women have the same ability and gift... with other women too by the way!
Surfer203 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Watch out for that line.. "I have not been happy for 12 months" - my wife told me she was not happy for 6 months before she left me.. it turns out that was just en excuse for her to sneak away and get involved in an affair. So.. he is going to tell you a lot of BS. One day you will get the truth.
hopesndreams Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 When I confronted him about it he said he didnt know how to tell me. All cheaters are cowards, well known fact. He had his piece on the side while still playing happy families with you. Was there more stress than normal before he ran off to be with his OW? Another well known fact, cheaters can't deal with stress, they are emotionally retarded. His new woman is fresh and new, but she too will have a "sell by date". Don't want this sad excuse for a human being back in your life. Be thankful you only wasted 5 years of your life on him and not 20 and a few more kids later. When he comes back, after realizing what he threw away, really work on keeping that door firmly shut.
robf1971 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 he hadnt been happy for 12 months. . Script and BS Best thing you can do is the 180's, look good, do not act needy or sad in front of him. Be very wary of him coming crawling back when the new chick dumps him...
Author m2s Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 (edited) thanks for all your replies. I should clarify that I wasnt in a hurry to get married, it didnt really phase me either way. I really wanted children (I was 35 when my baby was born) so the expense of a wedding really didnt interest me. I just dont get the weekend before we went on our ill fated holiday (im an aussie - we dont call them vacations!) we were looking at a bigger property for him to start a business. That was the sunday before we left on the tuesday. Then we were away for 10 days and he came back and dropped this bombshell!!! The last sort of 18 months were a bit more than regular stress, my dad had a heart attack and died (so I never saw him again), my ex lost his job and was unemployed for the best part of the year, and I was on maternity leave so we were basically living week to week. There was also some crap with his family that started. We made it through that and then when it was getting good he leaves???? Can I ask what a 180 is? He is coming to pick up our son today for his first access visit since this all started on the 16 November. I am so nervous for myself and my son. Do you think thats what might have sparked this, that he was 7 years younger than me??? AND I was his first everything, girlfriend, sexual experience? I just dont get it!!!! Edited December 18, 2010 by m2s
homebrew Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 You need to re-read what we all wrote... Also, you are giving a lot of reasons / excuses as to why you do not think you should have been married... Do you not think you deserve or are worthy of being married? Do you not think you are worth whatever expense it would cost to get married? Do you not think him getting a new place for his business and a bigger house is more important than marrying you? You are giving him a free pass on him not stepping up to the plate, cheating on you and leaving you. You are justifying his actions! You are the victim but you more or less allowed it to happen. Your needs, your desires, you hopes, your dreams, your wishes are equally as important as his!
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