youngskywalker Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 and how am I borderline stalking? I've always been under the assumption that's like following them wherever they go or something To be on the safe side of things when I have to examine myself, I consider stalking to be this: "to pursue a girl when she clearly does not want to be pursued by you". i.e. has a boyfriend or told you to leave her alone. you don't have to sit in your car with binoculars a block from her house to be a stalker. not saying you are... not at all... just saying consider what you're doing and be open minded about your emotional state.
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 To be on the safe side of things when I have to examine myself, I consider stalking to be this: "to pursue a girl when she clearly does not want to be pursued by you". i.e. has a boyfriend or told you to leave her alone. you don't have to sit in your car with binoculars a block from her house to be a stalker. not saying you are... not at all... just saying consider what you're doing and be open minded about your emotional state. Well... She hasn't said to leave her alone and to be in love with someone in a relationship isn't that uncommon
youngskywalker Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Well... She hasn't said to leave her alone and to be in love with someone in a relationship isn't that uncommon Yes but most people who are in love with someone realize it's time to move on to new pastures when the other person goes and gets a SO.
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 Yes but most people who are in love with someone realize it's time to move on to new pastures when the other person goes and gets a SO. I seriously think we'll get together though... I really think she liked me
youngskywalker Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I seriously think we'll get together though... I really think she liked me Oh Dude, I have no doubt that she liked you. I've had many girls that "liked" me too.... and when I tried to get them back I found that they themselves moved on in life. I was no longer "liked" in a romantic way. Most likely it will be the case with you too.
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 Oh Dude, I have no doubt that she liked you. I've had many girls that "liked" me too.... and when I tried to get them back I found that they themselves moved on in life. I was no longer "liked" in a romantic way. Most likely it will be the case with you too. Feelings can change... Just gotta be there if they split up and if I show her that I care and that she'd be safe and get attention form me, I'm sure she'd give me a shot
Jannah Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Feelings can change... Just gotta be there if they split up and if I show her that I care and that she'd be safe and get attention form me, I'm sure she'd give me a shot OP, you need to stop pursuing this girl, for your own peace of mind. Based on your numerous threads about her, especially this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t248875/ ...she is not interested in you the same way you are towards her. You two would have already dated by now, if that were the case. Based on what you wrote in that thread, you've already put her in an uncomfortable situation, twice, to the point where she told you - the two of you could no longer be friends, because of it. Please, for your own well being, move on.
Surrealist Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Kainey boy, there's some very compelling information in that thread Jannah posted that strongly suggests your friend does not ever want a relationship with you. Why did you not tell us about this situation? Now what are we going to do? You either have to leave this girl alone or you are going to have to go in balls to the wall! You'll have to give it everything you got. Some shed tears to show her how much she means to you will likely prove be the last resort to salvage this otherwise hopeless romantic disaster. But you can know at least you went down fighting. You didn't quit like everyone told you, because you know deep down in your heart how much you love and adore her, unlike the guy she's with now. You either decide to leave her alone forever, or sit down and plan this thing out with meticulous precision. Are you up to the challenge Kane?
youngskywalker Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Kain, after reading that link, sorry but she's not coming back. But, nothing wrong with going down in a blaze of glory.. I suggest you take one more last ditch effort to show her how much you love her. Throw the hail mary with 1 second left on the clock. You're either going to win the game or she's going to file a restraining order on you. But at least you'll be able to write her off as a loss and move on in life.
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 OP, you need to stop pursuing this girl, for your own peace of mind. Based on your numerous threads about her, especially this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t248875/ ...she is not interested in you the same way you are towards her. You two would have already dated by now, if that were the case. Based on what you wrote in that thread, you've already put her in an uncomfortable situation, twice, to the point where she told you - the two of you could no longer be friends, because of it. Please, for your own well being, move on. I learned that she only did that because of her dating style. We're talking again and she's actually the one that started it back up again
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 Kain, mate. I read this thread and had to register once reading your plight. As a man in his late 30's, I assume that you are very young. I'm going to say this, and don't take it the wrong way, please.... Kiddo - you have to man up. First and foremost I want you to go out and start meeting other women. You have oneitus. You are obsessing over something which you blew in the summer by not being confident and bold with your intentions. Second, absolutely do NOT tell this woman how you feel. She will lose all respect for you as a man, if she has not done so already. Women cannot possibly have feelings for a man that she does not respect. Third, go complete no contact with this girl. Months if necessary. She must make the initial contact with you, and if/when she does, you are going to act nonchalant, confident, and easy going. Aloof even. Fourth, start dating other people. Your mistakes? 1) You were to available for her as a friend and as an emotional tampon. 2) You do not see yourself as 'the prize' and display no confidence. 3) You went to her friends for advice, never do that. You told her friends that you liked her before you made any kind of move or likely even kissed this girl - HUGE mistake. She knows how you feel now. That is highschoolish and LAME. 4) You need to work on your inner game, I.e. confidence, and this does not depend on whether you have a car or job or not. Sure, that helps, but it is not the issue. It is what is inside of you that ultimately counts. I don't like your odds unless you totally re-invent how she sees you and unless you completely take hold of your own frame. Do not jump at the chance to see her. If she calls and wants to get together, you say you are busy, and that you will have to see how your schedule is. Then you wait at least 9 days before contacting her. Make your interactions over the phone short and be aloof. Do not get into texting with this girl. Chances are, by the time you do ever contact her you won't care much anyway, because if you follow my advice, you will be dating other women anyway, who are more receptive to your MANLINESS. Sorry to say these things, but you gotta MAN UP, mate. If you are going to get together with this girl, it will be on YOUR terms, not hers, and it will likely be quite far off into the future. She sees you as limpwristed and WEAK. You gotta let time erase her image of you, and then present the new, confident you at all times. You gotta look into yourself. Best of luck. Sorry, but this thread made me puke in my mouth a bit, because you are being the nice, sensitive man and it's very emasculating. 1. She never used me as an emotional tampon. Iknow about that and I made a point to avoid it.She never even tried, actually 2. We went NC for about two months and she started talking to me again 3. Our talks on the phone/texts have been short (less than like five texts/three minutes)
denise_xo Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Hi there, I remember all your previous threads about this woman and I'll just repeat what I said in those: I really, really think you need to MOVE ON. I know it's painful. Most of us have been there. But you're just not doing yourself any kind of favour being stuck in the kind of thought patterns that you've displayed in these threads. She has a boyfriend. That's the reality, no matter what she says or what you may think about her 'actual' feelings, or whether that's because of her 'dating style' or her 'mistaken choices' or whatever. What matters are actions. She has chosen to enter into a relationship with her current bf, and she has so far chosen to stay in it. Base your actions on that, not on wishful thinking, so that you can stop mentally torturing yourself in this way. Good luck to you.
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 1. What kind of things did you talk to her about? How do you hold a conversation with her? 2. When? Before or after the boyfriend? 3. What did you talk about in your phone/texts? 1. Basically anything. We talked about what we did the day we talked, about each other, about what we were gonna do, music, tv, planning to hang out, etc. She never talked to me about her personal problems. If she would have tried, I would have made an excuse as to why I had to hang up 2. A few weeks ago. After. 3. The only reasons I've called/texted her ewre to ask her questions. Like, I'm taking a class next semester that she took this one and I had a few questions about it. Really no conversation at all
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 I checked out your other thread on this chick. My thoughts are below: "Over the summer, we've been hanging out more and more and she slowly became like my best friend." MISTAKE - do not make yourself overly available. You put yourself in the friendzone willingly by acting like her friend, and acting like a non-sexual being. "it seemed like she had feelings for me too." You make a move instead of wondering whether she has feelings. You have to lead her to the place where she has feelings instead of sitting back and acting indecisive. You need to talk in a way that will elicit emotions within her, not about mundane sh*t. Ask her questions about herself and let her do most of the talking, then regurgitate what she said using different words, and ask her how she felt about it. Comment about how that must have made her feel. "I called her Friday night but she didn't answer. She texted me back Saturday morning saying that she was sorry for not answering because she was on a date. I was like "oh, k" and decided to make a move and ask her on a date. She said no, big deal, but since I asked her on one like four months ago, she basically told me that we had to talk" You asked her on a date four months ago, she declined. She's not interested. You did not generate attraction for her because you likely acted like a non-sexual being when around her. She said no the first time. She's not interested. "NEXT" Even worse, she tells you she's on a date, you take the bait, and act even more desperate by then asking her on a date. You should have asked her how it went, and mentioned that YOU had been on a date Thursday night, even if you weren't. She sounds like an attention wh0re to me. You are reeking of desperation, a very unattractive trait. "She said we may be friends again if we give each other some alone times. Should I believe that? If I knew this would have happened, I wouldn't have done it. She's always been there for me to talk to if I was upset, we've always had a good time together, we've been really good friends and I don't even have that anymore...I know I'm gonna see her one more time. She was working on a painting for me and she got me a birthday present that she has to give me (She told me yesterday), but I'm afraid I'll never see or talk to her again after that... How can I get my friend back? I don't even care about a relationship now... " This was back in October and you are still pining for her in December. She's playin' you like a fiddle mate. You are now lying to her: saying you are okay but still wanting more. She knows that and has likely even doesn't want you as a friend, knowing that you may get on her case romantically at any given time will always keep her on her guard. If she's asking for alone times that means she is seeing one or more other men romatically. She does not see you in that light because you laid it all on the table and were too available for her. Not only that, you talked to her about your problems. Unless your problems are that you are dating multiple other women and can't decide which one you want to be in a relationship with, that was a bad move. Step back, don't cater to this attention seeking princess, and start dating other women. If she phones, you say, "I'm real busy gotta go meet someone." Don't phone her back for a few days. When you do, have a reason. Keep it short and simple. You really gotta pull back from this situation. Whatever you do, don't text with her, texting is suicide. This is going to take months of no contact. But above all, you need to decide once and for all whether you are going to be this girl's friend and get off her case romantically, or whether you want to make it happen. If it's the latter, you gotta go no contact for a long time. I mean really, who cares anyway, she's got a boyfriend so you've already lost. I know she cares about me as a friend. She's still doing things for me I've tried dating other women but... It just hasn't been worth it. I haven't really enjoyed it And we did do months of no contact... And I don' t see her lasting long with her bf anyway. I know the kind of guy he is. And she's not even 20 years old yet (19), so she may be a tad immature about things that older relationships wouldn't bother with
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 What kind of guy is the boyfriend? He's the kind of guy to basically have a new woman every other week. The kind to still first with other women even though he's with someone I mean, his best friend said that he wouldn't be upset if they split up. He said she would, but he'd just replace her, since he's done it before. Said he's the kind of guy that gets in relationships just to be in them
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 Notice how she is going for the badboy type instead of the good guy, I.e. you? That says it all really. And that's why I think they won't last. He can't keep a relationship And she's been really hurt by people like him before (friend told me). She may go for them now, but she's still young. I mean, I'm only 20 but... I just know I'd treat her better
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 I know it sounds completely insane, but he is the one treating her better - namely, the way she wants to be treated. He gives her the drama she craves and probably turns her on sexually in a way that a nice guy doesn't. Trust me, when I was in my teens and very early 20s, I used to be the nice guy. Oh sure, I got some women, but that was based solely on my looks. I would then be the stereotypical 'nice guy' and bore the pants off her. Then I learned to balance the nice guy with someone who was a little more unpredictable and less boring. Young girls crave that shyt. Sorry, but 19 year old girls are like this, they usually don't stop being like this until they hit their 20s and they've been abused by a bunch of bad boys. she's been hurt by two before One cheated on her and the other basically ignored her because he was a complete stereotypical stoner I'd do anythign I could to get with her... I mean, I know about oneitis and i've had it before, but I just feel differently about her
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 That is the problem right there. Keep her on the back burner. Date other women.....and let her SEE you dating other women. That's your only way outta this mess. Act somewhat aloof (not rude, but kind of like you don't really care one way or the other) and date women. That is the only way you can change the frame of this. Is it ethical? Not particularly, but it's the only way. See how it is with the shoe on the other foot. Women like challenge and competition. The best piece of advice my mother gave me was to date multiple girls, that way the pain of rejection isn't as bad. You gotta get out there and meet other women, even if you don't feel like it. Fake it til you make it. Give her the drama she craves. Then when you're in the relationship with her you can ruin it by being ultra nice. lol.\ She can sense that you would do 'anything to be with her'. It oozes out of your pores....it affects your confidence and your body language. Girls are highly attuned to this. You gotta up your game then. 1. Talk to her, but be somewhat aloof. 2. Let her see you with other girls. 3. Lose that desperation. The only problem with going after other girls is that it hurts me. I should care about them but... I don't Also, I think its worth saying that they were friends for like five years before getting together
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 Since we don't see each other that often, could I just say that I've been going on dates or something? I mean, if this doesn't work between us, I'm gonna have to but until then... idk
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 How on earth does going on a casual date 'hurt' you? At the least, be seen hanging out with other chicks. Why not make friends with another chick or other chicks and be seen with them. You have to DHV here - display higher value and the only way to do that is to seem desirable to other women. That's only way you can give the girlie you are in love with any sort of motivation to remove you from the friendzone. Damn, you said you would do ANYTHING to be with this girl, but you won't casually date other women to get with her? Well, I meant, I'd just feel bad that I'd basically be lying to them. They may get excited but I'd just be using them. And I do hang out with other chicks, but just as friends
Jannah Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I learned that she only did that because of her dating style. We're talking again and she's actually the one that started it back up again No, that's not her dating style, you asked her out on a date twice - after you befriended her and she declined both times. She explained to you, that she doesn't harbor those types of feelings towards you, and that your pursuit of a romantic relationship with her, is making her uncomfortable. She valued your friendship but you attached strings to it which you admitted, and now you are looming around in the hopes she and her bf breakup so that you can continue your pursuit of a romantic relationship, which you already attempted back when she was single. This is not a good situation for you to be in. Start dating other girls and I assure you, you'll eventually get over it.
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 No, that's not her dating style, you asked her out on a date twice - after you befriended her and she declined both times. She explained to you, that she doesn't harbor those types of feelings towards you, and that your pursuit of a romantic relationship with her, is making her uncomfortable. She valued your friendship but you attached strings to it which you admitted, and now you are looming around in the hopes she and her bf breakup so that you can continue your pursuit of a romantic relationship, which you already attempted back when she was single. This is not a good situation for you to be in. Start dating other girls and I assure you, you'll eventually get over it. What I meant is that her friend told me that she only even goes on dates with one person at a time I mean, she seriously started acting differently and got much closer to me after the first time. There were signs that I was too stupid to act on.
Author Kain Highwind Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 And now I'm crying again. My friend had to rub in my face that he hung out with her We used to hang out all the time and we probably could now but I know I can't... It hurts me so much..
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