men who can't communicate-shut down

[catgotyourtongue]

Goood question, fair

 

I was not pursuing him per se, I was getting to know him and all signs the first few weeks were wonderful. He was fantastic, it was healthy, more than many things I have come across in a while, and we clicked. He was open and aware. It just seemed to turn around so fast i was shocked. Now that it has happened several times, I am thinking I need to end it and get out, I am aware, etc. I just did not want to brush it all under the table without trying to gain some insight into how to approach men better...next time.

 

I always can see my part in things and i trigger him. just trying to distinguish between whats mine, his and ours as far as the communication, and improve it next time with someone else, as I mentioned, i can tend to speak my mind, and I want to do it in a healthy way when I need or want to try and speak to a man I am dating, without him feeling attacked or defensive, thats all.

 

have a great evening and thanks...

I'll ask you again, being over 40 & having been in therapy, why are you pursuing situations with men that send you red flags?

[Star Gazer]

...Actually when I approached him, he went immediately to blame or telling me what I did to add to the bad night, and once the conversation went a minute or two, he said I AM OUT - this night is over.

 

At his age, I don't think this sort of reaction is going to change.

 

I remember a conversation I had with someone - I think it was the third date or something - about his ex. He had brought up his ex/the relationship/breakup in some way, and I asked something like, "So, why did that end?" He started talking about it, and you could see he was remembering some painful/uncomfortable stuff, and suddenly he stood up and said, "I'm DONE talking about this." and went to the bathroom. He was gone for like 10 minutes...for a second, I thought he'd left me there.

 

We never spoke about it again, but we never saw each other after that night again either. I think I hit a nerve, but his reaction was more telling than anything, about how he handles uncomfortable discussions.

[catgotyourtongue]

Hi and thanks

I can related and thanks for telling me your story, this sort of thing did actually happen on our first real date, and he said "I dont want to talk about it". He actually mentioned the thing he did not want to talk abt. It was something bad that happened during his marriage, and when I said, wow, I am so sorry to hear that, it must have been hard, he shut down and said " I dont want.." and I immediately let it go due to the nature of the hurt and topic.

 

Appreciate your help, yes I dont think I see this guy changing which is sad, but it's unhealthy to try and continue if this is his only style when things get important or not his way.

 

hugs

 

At his age, I don't think this sort of reaction is going to change.

 

I remember a conversation I had with someone - I think it was the third date or something - about his ex. He had brought up his ex/the relationship/breakup in some way, and I asked something like, "So, why did that end?" He started talking about it, and you could see he was remembering some painful/uncomfortable stuff, and suddenly he stood up and said, "I'm DONE talking about this." and went to the bathroom. He was gone for like 10 minutes...for a second, I thought he'd left me there.

 

We never spoke about it again, but we never saw each other after that night again either. I think I hit a nerve, but his reaction was more telling than anything, about how he handles uncomfortable discussions.

[Star Gazer]

Hi and thanks

I can related and thanks for telling me your story, this sort of thing did actually happen on our first real date, and he said "I dont want to talk about it". He actually mentioned the thing he did not want to talk abt. It was something bad that happened during his marriage, and when I said, wow, I am so sorry to hear that, it must have been hard, he shut down and said " I dont want.." and I immediately let it go due to the nature of the hurt and topic.

 

Appreciate your help, yes I dont think I see this guy changing which is sad, but it's unhealthy to try and continue if this is his only style when things get important or not his way.

 

hugs

 

I imagine my guy and your guy just haven't developed the coping mechanisms to allow them to deal with those particular painful situations to begin with, so talking about them makes it that much worse. Or, it's just too fresh.

 

I know that when my Grammy died, or in the first month or two of my last major breakup, I'd often say, "I don't want to talk about it," to whomever brought it up. But I wasn't rude or shut-down about it, like my guy was (and I get the feeling yours was too). And if I brought the subject up, I certainly never shut it back down - that's weird to me.

 

Anyway, I think you know what to do.

 

Hugs right back.

[catgotyourtongue]

thanks much.

 

I have been a bit defensive and sensitive online here and know it....sorry to all, I was a bit thin skinned. i had plans to meet this guy for coffee tonight set aa few days ago, so I was sort of processing and thinking a lot before we met.

 

Long story short, it was too unhealthy for me, and I was getting too defensive with this man, and he with me and it had to end, SO it's over. It was a semi-healthy conversation, I would not let it get ugly...I would have left if he got hostile...it was semi rationale and it's over.

 

Needless to say, he showed up with liquor on his breath and stoned, so i really dont feel too badly abt it not all working out, he had to get a total buzz on just to meet me for coffee...so, I wished him well with a hug and hope and pray he finds happiness with someone better for him.

 

THANK you everyone for all your help, i knew i needed to end it, just wanted to give him a chance, and another one, and the chances just ran out.

 

peace out

I imagine my guy and your guy just haven't developed the coping mechanisms to allow them to deal with those particular painful situations to begin with, so talking about them makes it that much worse. Or, it's just too fresh.

 

I know that when my Grammy died, or in the first month or two of my last major breakup, I'd often say, "I don't want to talk about it," to whomever brought it up. But I wasn't rude or shut-down about it, like my guy was (and I get the feeling yours was too). And if I brought the subject up, I certainly never shut it back down - that's weird to me.

 

Anyway, I think you know what to do.

 

Hugs right back.

[catgotyourtongue]

hi there

 

sorry for the (quadruple) post, newish to site and did not take time to read everything, my bad. Novice will make novice mistakes, I was trying to post/reply to peoples comments, not just post a series of random posts. This post, done...this issue, the one I posted abt, handled and done.

 

Learning is fun

goodnite all

U know the poster quadruple posted (at least) and in every thing shes said we still have no idea what the hell shes talking bout.. I think theres alot being left out here........

[Str8noChaser]

thanks much.

 

I have been a bit defensive and sensitive online here and know it....sorry to all, I was a bit thin skinned. i had plans to meet this guy for coffee tonight set aa few days ago, so I was sort of processing and thinking a lot before we met.

 

Long story short, it was too unhealthy for me, and I was getting too defensive with this man, and he with me and it had to end, SO it's over. It was a semi-healthy conversation, I would not let it get ugly...I would have left if he got hostile...it was semi rationale and it's over.

 

Needless to say, he showed up with liquor on his breath and stoned, so i really dont feel too badly abt it not all working out, he had to get a total buzz on just to meet me for coffee...so, I wished him well with a hug and hope and pray he finds happiness with someone better for him.

 

THANK you everyone for all your help, i knew i needed to end it, just wanted to give him a chance, and another one, and the chances just ran out.

 

peace out

 

I admit to being a bit more blunt with you than I usually am and I apologize if it contributed to your defensiveness. I am really glad to hear you made such a healthy and mature decision for yourself and you ended it in the best possible way you could for the both of you. Congrats and Happy New Year to you!

[catgotyourtongue]

Hi

 

So sweet and thoughtful of you, thank you so much, really.

I was overly sensitive and just in a rut cause I already had the answers and just did not want to deal with all the emotions. I am usually a bit more stable than my defensive responses, (sort of, ha ha). I jumbled your posts and others into the mess in my head abt how hard communication is, and just felt ambushed (my own crap, lol) but worked through that....:-) Thats my own sensitivities to work on, not the job of the forum. I know that.

 

Thank you for reaching out this way, very big of you, and I take it to heart! Your bluntness and others certainly were part of the medicine I needed to feel better and wise up, get healthy again. I feel so much better and relieved now, though sad to say goodbye to a good person...whose wounds I could not heal, not my job.

 

This post really made me smile.

Goodnite..

 

I admit to being a bit more blunt with you than I usually am and I apologize if it contributed to your defensiveness. I am really glad to hear you made such a healthy and mature decision for yourself and you ended it in the best possible way you could for the both of you. Congrats and Happy New Year to you!

[Distant78]

After 30 if this boy hasn't learned to come to terms with women needing to be heard, he isn't worth your time.

 

And that's why a lot of men don't want to deal with women these days. These women with big egos that act like they always need the spotlight. No wonder why a lot of men shut down. Because their woman won't shut up.

[catgotyourtongue]

Sorry you feel that way-What I think I heard her say, from where I sit, is simply what she said, that women have a need to be heard, and we do. Most men above a certain age has had experience knowing that, and being in a situation where there is push/pull when it comes to "hearing" a women. Not talking about fault here, just what happens between men/women. Some women force it, some suggest it, some don't, some let it go, etc, we are all different, but most of us, men or women, want to be heard....when it's important.

 

Not sure that I make that equivalent to women needing the spotlight. Men generally connect more through physical, women, emotional (I mean in a very general sense, not solely). A womans need to be heard helps her get connected, ie., physical. Yes for sure, some women need the spolight and talk too much (I talk tooo much) some just simply wanted to be heard and understood, often we are trying to get you all to understand why we feel how we do, not just to blab, but to be really heard. Just my two cents, but I certainly accept that you have your unique take, opinion and experiences.

 

Women talk more, process more, in general so it's not surprising we often come into conflict or stand still or issues when we try to connect. Not a blame game, but a different way of getting our needs met...I guess.

Hugs out

 

 

And that's why a lot of men don't want to deal with women these days. These women with big egos that act like they always need the spotlight. No wonder why a lot of men shut down. Because their woman won't shut up.

[hART]

thanks for your input

 

I fully realize women have a hard time communicating as well of course. I have a hard time myself at times, and I try hard to work through it, it's tough with everyones wounds and insecurities including my own.

 

i gave this guy a chance because I though he deserved it and we all have flaws, the behavior is now a real issue, i see a real pattern and I am basically asking abt men in general and how they would prefer to be addressed when a woman really wants to try and communicate or express her thoughts.

 

I am not that invested in this particular man but like to learn along the way and see where my behavior can improve and see another side or way. I usually give people a chance if they have proven to be a good guy and he has, in many other ways he has been remarkable and we had a nice connection early on, it just turned ugly fast so my guard is up and i want a healthy relationship and this does not seem to be it, but I also can say things in tones that hurt, or words, so i too am at fault. Just hate to fear conversations this early in a dating situation.

 

Appreciate your time and words

 

No problem. Every man and woman vary based on a number of factors, including gender identity, personality type or style, and nurture (how they were raised). Men can vary so much from different types. What type of man are you attracted to, generally? He sounds like a introverted thinker to me, but I could be totally off. Understanding people became much easier for me when I read about MBTI types. You seem to be empathic, but maybe this guy isn't that sensitive. There are many different reasons a person would walk away, but follow your intuition on this. If he is already causing you stress, you are making the right decision to walk away. Good luck!

[Distant78]

Sorry you feel that way-What I think I heard her say, from where I sit, is simply what she said, that women have a need to be heard, and we do. Most men above a certain age has had experience knowing that, and being in a situation where there is push/pull when it comes to "hearing" a women. Not talking about fault here, just what happens between men/women. Some women force it, some suggest it, some don't, some let it go, etc, we are all different, but most of us, men or women, want to be heard....when it's important.

 

Not sure that I make that equivalent to women needing the spotlight. Men generally connect more through physical, women, emotional (I mean in a very general sense, not solely). A womans need to be heard helps her get connected, ie., physical. Yes for sure, some women need the spolight and talk too much (I talk tooo much) some just simply wanted to be heard and understood, often we are trying to get you all to understand why we feel how we do, not just to blab, but to be really heard. Just my two cents, but I certainly accept that you have your unique take, opinion and experiences.

 

Women talk more, process more, in general so it's not surprising we often come into conflict or stand still or issues when we try to connect. Not a blame game, but a different way of getting our needs met...I guess.

Hugs out

 

And I understand that believe me, I do. I know from experience women can naturally run their mouths, but that doesn't mean they don't have the power to be nice and be patient and let their man muster up the energy to talk. A woman's needs doesn't take over the whole relationship. Men are more physical and can naturally sit down and be quiet for hours, while women will get impatient and start talking to pass time. It's a fact. But some women wonder why so many men have poor communications skills, is because the woman is too rude and refuses to ask him what's his opinion. Women have to understand that we have a hard time speaking our minds, and to be impatient with us will only cause more issues and holding sex over our heads to get us to speak will only make us walk away eventually. Just MY 2 cents.

[catgotyourtongue]

No problem. Every man and woman vary based on a number of factors, including gender identity, personality type or style, and nurture (how they were raised). Men can vary so much from different types. What type of man are you attracted to, generally? He sounds like a introverted thinker to me, but I could be totally off. Understanding people became much easier for me when I read about MBTI types. You seem to be empathic, but maybe this guy isn't that sensitive. There are many different reasons a person would walk away, but follow your intuition on this. If he is already causing you stress, you are making the right decision to walk away. Good luck!

 

Thanks for the post, appreciate it a lot. I am empathetic as all get out yet sassy and defensive, so it's odd. Huge heart, huge wounds. Anyway, I did, we did, end it, so the issue is resolved....but it raised a lot of flags for me abt many things, good lessons and big lessons in how much work I still need to do, which is a lot. No matter how long I work on me, I still find there is 10,000 more layers and always will be. I strive for enlightenment and kindness....when I can, sometimes I just bark and bite, lol

 

thanks again so much

[catgotyourtongue]

And I understand that believe me, I do. I know from experience women can naturally run their mouths, but that doesn't mean they don't have the power to be nice and be patient and let their man muster up the energy to talk. A woman's needs doesn't take over the whole relationship. Men are more physical and can naturally sit down and be quiet for hours, while women will get impatient and start talking to pass time. It's a fact. But some women wonder why so many men have poor communications skills, is because the woman is too rude and refuses to ask him what's his opinion. Women have to understand that we have a hard time speaking our minds, and to be impatient with us will only cause more issues and holding sex over our heads to get us to speak will only make us walk away eventually. Just MY 2 cents.

 

FOR sure, and good points, agree to several. We do as women, often need to be mindful of these things, and I am learning all the time, how to ease into a conversation, ask the man his opinion and needs, thoughts or just not press and push so much to force conversations. I do see your point and know how impatient women, some women, can get waiting for communication to happen. I have tried hard lately to hold my opinion at least an hour or four, lol, and chill a bit and let things go or just simmer before I push for talk, or push him to open up. It takes two....and that's why conversations like this are so helpful and healthy, I love it. It does help to hear you explain from where you sit, how it is for you and what you want and dont want, thanks for sharing..

[Distant78]

FOR sure, and good points, agree to several. We do as women, often need to be mindful of these things, and I am learning all the time, how to ease into a conversation, ask the man his opinion and needs, thoughts or just not press and push so much to force conversations. I do see your point and know how impatient women, some women, can get waiting for communication to happen. I have tried hard lately to hold my opinion at least an hour or four, lol, and chill a bit and let things go or just simmer before I push for talk, or push him to open up. It takes two....and that's why conversations like this are so helpful and healthy, I love it. It does help to hear you explain from where you sit, how it is for you and what you want and dont want, thanks for sharing..

 

Yup anytime.

[hART]

It makes sense to be both sassy and empathic to me, they both relate to sensitivity. Definitely some advantages to self exploration and sensitivity. Understanding your part in things is a great skill.

[Distant78]

Me personally, I ain't got time for sassiness and disrespect. If a woman wants to bark and bite she can go find someone else for that, after I bark and bite back. Won't put up with no BS.

[catgotyourtongue]

It makes sense to be both sassy and empathic to me, they both relate to sensitivity. Definitely some advantages to self exploration and sensitivity. Understanding your part in things is a great skill.

 

Thanks makes me feel alive to have both. Snarky is an issue and one I struggle with. I am a mix breed like many perhaps but I am almost always first to admit fault, accept my role, apologize and mean it. The issue is often I am the one to incite the reaction in others i may not like, so its snowball. Gosh communication is complex. It's the defensiveness I need to consistenly work on. I would hope as an adult it would get easier, with work, yet it's still such a stuggle. Always baby steps, but steps indeed is the key/

 

Thanks-feeling so much better than 8 hrs ago. It's amazing what can happen if you get out of your own way, sometimes and listen to that nagging voice, loud ass H*LL voice telling u something needs to change and drastically, before someone gets hurt, or something even uglier will happen. I heard that tap tap thump, gallop in my brain saying change is a coming, and I need to be the one to change this situation, now.

 

Been a helpful and insightful night and time of LS

thanks so much to everyone.

 

Just followed a long thread entitled WTF with a lot of back forth between members, heated at times, etc but wow there were some huge golden nuggets of great incite in there, and i appreciated being the outsider lookin in and saying "yeah I do that" "yeah i could do better with that" etc. Scary how not far down the path of enlightenment we can be, even when we feel we are a bit farther....journey not a race

 

goodnight and peace for all tonight

[catgotyourtongue]

Me personally, I ain't got time for sassiness and disrespect. If a woman wants to bark and bite she can go find someone else for that, after I bark and bite back. Won't put up with no BS.

 

Hi

I hear you, you have to know what works for you. I think my idea of sassy when speaking abt myself is a bit abt mischief, fast talk, cutting up, not abt cutting down men, women or others but more abt having passion, fire and a bit out there with my words. Bite and bark I use to refer to parts of me that I dont actually like, I see them separate and sass. Disrespect sucks, giving in and getting it, i agree.

 

I have bite that i am working on taming, and bark could be just me being honest telling men I date that i can be a handful but always will own up to my shnizzle and dont want to disrespect or be mean. I come from abusive background where defense was only way i knew how to cope, so i work hard to ease the anger, and replace it with true conversations and less passive agressive behavior, but sometimes i bark, it is in me. not proud of it, but ok with being sassy, i see it more in a playful, sexual or silly way, not as a weapon to use against peeps. I dont want that....

 

thanks for your thoughts

nite

[that girl]

After eight dates, you should walk away if someone throws you out of their house.

 

Now if you had been seriously dating for months, you might be able to say "Throwing me out of your house is unacceptable. You can tell me you aren't ready or willing to discuss something but I will not be treated that way." If it was a serious fight that got out of hand, that might work. But if this is a problem early on, that is just who they are.

 

You cannot make someone a better communicator. All you can do is work on your own skills and set your own expectations.

[catgotyourtongue]

AMEN

 

 

I did end it last night, we did.

 

Sad but necessary, he is on another level, plane and this was way too much, me, to handle. We hit all eachothers triggers early, and so it goes. Dating sucks, lol. So hard. But I try to keep open mind..and learn something good every time

tx for response.

 

After eight dates, you should walk away if someone throws you out of their house.

 

Now if you had been seriously dating for months, you might be able to say "Throwing me out of your house is unacceptable. You can tell me you aren't ready or willing to discuss something but I will not be treated that way." If it was a serious fight that got out of hand, that might work. But if this is a problem early on, that is just who they are.

 

You cannot make someone a better communicator. All you can do is work on your own skills and set your own expectations.