men who can't communicate-shut down

[catgotyourtongue]

Hi there

Thanks for your time, help, support. I am here to give it back as well!!!

Looking for help from men or women with history of men not being able to communicate who totally shut down when you approach a conversation about real things. By shut down I mean "kick you out of house or end night on a dime and say "done" etc.

 

I have a lot of experience with communication, dating (I am over 40) been to therapy, self help, you name it, very giving, and compassionate and yet I am always surprised and saddened and madened to a degree when I am dating a decent man who totally freaks out abt communication, always feeling attacked or pushed when the conversation is minor and not a bit attacking. I am strong willed but very independent, not clingy, just speak my mind. Not looking to control a guy, tho they all feel that way...hmmmm

 

Have been on same dates recently with a good man who just shuts down and basically says THATS IT you are out, and makes me leave his home or leaves me where I am, once he feels any sign of an issue.

 

I was floored and shocked and upset as I am a grown women, with decent communication skills, in midst of lovely evenings, when he does this. Not a mean guy, very wounded and fearful from bad juju with ex wife. I want to work with him, not against, and find safe way to talk, but he cant do it so far. I don't want it to "my way" I simply want us to be able to talk, on some level when I have something I need to broach with him.

 

Anyone have any tips or hints? I feel badly for me and him, he means well, but this shutting down is a huge red flag for me, as it scares me and shuts me out.

 

Not a man hater, quite the opposite, want to work "with" someone to make things better, for both of us...

thanks very much

[mo mo]

It sounds like you are hitting the sensitive topics way too early. At your age, it's perfectly normal for guys around that age to have trust issues, so it's a little unrealistic to expect guys to open up to you so early on.

[Seamless74]

your post leaves alot to be desired when it comes to the specifics of what your bringing up and at what times.. But keep in mind is safe to assume that men especially older men are going to get pissed off if you bring up stupid **** at inappropriate times regardless of whether their shut down or not..

 

 

And remember just because you talk alot and "confront issues" does not in and of itself make you a good communicator.

[Surrealist]

Please provide some specific examples of what prompted these men to shut down. Noone can give you any meaningful advise with the lack of information you have posted.

[Eddie Edirol]

Yeah, need examples of what you are talking to them about that is making them shut down.

[dreamingoftigers]

If a "good guy" randomly says "that's it, you are out" in the middle of a nice evening when you might have flubbed, that is more then a red flag.

 

That is a big, red semi barrelling right towards you.

 

If it is relationship talk, nix it for now. Anything else, throw up a transcript. There must be something triggering him, or else he is just not going to cut it in a LTR.

[Str8noChaser]

Hi there

Anyone have any tips or hints? I feel badly for me and him, he means well, but this shutting down is a huge red flag for me, as it scares me and shuts me out.

 

Not a man hater, quite the opposite, want to work "with" someone to make things better, for both of us...

thanks very much

 

Being over 40 and having been to therapy, why are you pursuing a red flag individual that scares you?

 

Also, it's kinda presumptive to decide you want to work with someone, who never came to you and ask for help, and then try to push them into a form of communication style you prefer.

 

Exactly how long were you in therapy yourself?

[catgotyourtongue]

It sounds like you are hitting the sensitive topics way too early. At your age, it's perfectly normal for guys around that age to have trust issues, so it's a little unrealistic to expect guys to open up to you so early on.

 

Good point, not needing him to open up as much as not to freak out and shut down, he is ok pointing out my stuff but I can't approach him at all abt his.

 

tx for your input, perhaps i am expecting to much but as I see it, i am just asking him kindly, with real heart not to shut me down totally and throw me out of his house into the cold night...in a bad neighborhood....just cause he cant handle a conversation. it's not safe...basically...

thx tho

[catgotyourtongue]

Okay thanks

 

Well the post left a lot out so it would not be a novel. If he ignores me half the night, makes comments that seem distant or insensitive, then at some point I may bring it to his or anyone I am datings attention in a nice way. Don't expect that to be the end of the night, thats all.

 

Yes, sometimes I lash out, that's usually after a week of leaving someone alone or stepping on eggshells or giving and not taking, so yes at some point, it does come out that i want a 'conversation' and I dont feel thats a bad thing.

 

thanks though

appreciate your input

your post leaves alot to be desired when it comes to the specifics of what your bringing up and at what times.. But keep in mind is safe to assume that men especially older men are going to get pissed off if you bring up stupid **** at inappropriate times regardless of whether their shut down or not..

 

 

And remember just because you talk alot and "confront issues" does not in and of itself make you a good communicator.

[catgotyourtongue]

thanks

 

appreciate your input, and i agree. It's hard to have a nice night stop on a dime because I mention something - that something being about a comment he said or how I felt a little uncomfy at a party and just wanted to touch base and make sure 'he" is okay, not even accusing him of anything.

 

I see other posts here about what i am doing to trigger men, and i do things and take full responsibility for that, i am not easy cause I have defensive and wounds but I work very hard at communicating and asking men how they would like me to approach them, when i need to, and what works for them. Some people just assume it's my fault i guess and i cant approach a man abt anything and I think thats a crock...these are adult men and if they cant handle a 5 min conversation without storming out, it aint gonna work for me, that's all.

 

red flag is right and it brings up all my issues as well, which i am always working on, but i cant live in fear of this behavior, it feels childish and abusive at times, controlling....blah

 

thanks so much - nice to hear another view

If a "good guy" randomly says "that's it, you are out" in the middle of a nice evening when you might have flubbed, that is more then a red flag.

 

That is a big, red semi barrelling right towards you.

 

If it is relationship talk, nix it for now. Anything else, throw up a transcript. There must be something triggering him, or else he is just not going to cut it in a LTR.

[catgotyourtongue]

wow this is tough crowd

 

I appreciate your voice and input but there is sure a lot of blame in your words to me. I mean this is exactly what i am talking about. I come open minded to learn how to better approcah men I care about and learn something and lots of people are ready to jump in my grill, it just proves my point.

 

If someone throws me out of their home, after we have had a nice night and several drinks, and its 20 degrees out and he lives in a bad neighborhood, then yes to me this is not great, anyone knows that. men have choices too, and that's a bad choice, unsafe one....to me.

 

i was looking for some positive ways to enhance communication and i seem to be getting a lot of blame and harshness which is exactly what is not helpful. I keep saying i dont want or need it my way, i just want to learn how to address him or others in a way that works for them.

 

okay time to go, I need to let some things send marinate as it is tending to make me feel like this is place of blame when i was merely trying to work better and get insight not be called out on my behavior...i know what I do, i live with me, wondering how men would prefer to be talked to when women have something they want to say or ask, thats all

 

thanks

Being over 40 and having been to therapy, why are you pursuing a red flag individual that scares you?

 

Also, it's kinda presumptive to decide you want to work with someone, who never came to you and ask for help, and then try to push them into a form of communication style you prefer.

 

Exactly how long were you in therapy yourself?

[catgotyourtongue]

good point and thank you. Issue is he opened up very early abt some heavy, deep stuff, he did, but it changed dramatically....fast...part of my issues with it.

 

It all started to fast and dense for me and him and maybe just need a breather. I think it will not work for us, but I care abt him and know he is really wounded so I try to be as kind as possible without getting walked over

 

have a great day

It sounds like you are hitting the sensitive topics way too early. At your age, it's perfectly normal for guys around that age to have trust issues, so it's a little unrealistic to expect guys to open up to you so early on.

[catgotyourtongue]

Exactly opposite of what's going on.

 

HE is trying to push me into his style of communication which feels abusive and avoidance and controlling. I am trying again and again to ask him what works for him, what is his style if i have to bring something up. I am asking him if he would meet me 20% of way, my exact words and work with me. AND that i will do whatever i can to work with his way of communication, but that throwing me out is really bad for me...and hurtful.

 

So I dont think there is a better way than to ask what works for him. Why u would assume I am wanting it my way and pushing him to do it my way is unclear to me. It is not my way at all..not looking for control, looking for communication. This reminds me of my talks with him- lol.

 

Men feel controlled even when women and not trying at all to do that, but to connect and talk..when they do something boneheaded like leaving me at a restaurant..etc...

 

thanks have a super day

 

 

Being over 40 and having been to therapy, why are you pursuing a red flag individual that scares you?

 

Also, it's kinda presumptive to decide you want to work with someone, who never came to you and ask for help, and then try to push them into a form of communication style you prefer.

 

Exactly how long were you in therapy yourself?

[Str8noChaser]

I'll ask you again, being over 40 & having been in therapy, why are you pursuing situations with men that send you red flags?

[Str8noChaser]

he ignores me half the night

makes comments that seem distant

insensitive

 

Yes, sometimes I lash out, that's usually after a week of leaving someone alone or stepping on eggshells or giving and not taking, so yes at some point, it does come out that i want a 'conversation' and I dont feel thats a bad thing.

 

Pardon my bluntness, but given your age and history I don't think it's necessary to hand hold you the way I may a woman in her early 20's, but how is any of this healthy?

[that girl]

A few dates and you're already feeling ignored or put down?

 

Walk away.

 

It would be one thing if you'd been dating a year and the three times you'd tried to discuss something he'd kicked you out of his house. Messed up as that is, you'd have something to work on.

 

But if someone is from the get go seeming abusive, it is only going to get worse.

 

Why are you so invested in this guy?

[hART]

It isn't just men who can't communicate, it is women too. I speak from a female perspective of being the one who can't discuss issues. My reasons may be different from thiers, because it has to do with the intense emotional pain it causes me to hear any criticism. After 30 if this boy hasn't learned to come to terms with women needing to be heard, he isn't worth your time. It doesn't matter if the man is psychotic (not saying he is), you still need to constantly keep the communication lines open. Focus on one criticism at a time and communicate before the guy thinks he is doing okay, then bam you are yelling at him. Most likely he comes from a family dynamic with explosive tempors or a quiet family and instead of dealing with these emotions, which men aren't encouraged to do, he shut down at a young age. If you plan to stay with him, communicate one issue at a time and wait for him to change, if he doesn't try, leave. If you can't stop yourself from exploding, then write it down.

[climbergirl]

When you have confronted any issues while in public (re: leaving you in a restaurant), did the conversation get loud and embarrassing for him?

 

I'm just trying to figure out if he left because he didn't want things to escalate any more or if he's just an a##hole.

[Seamless74]

U know the poster quadruple posted (at least) and in every thing shes said we still have no idea what the hell shes talking bout.. I think theres alot being left out here........

[Str8noChaser]

U know the poster quadruple posted (at least) and in every thing shes said we still have no idea what the hell shes talking bout.. I think theres alot being left out here........

 

 

Ah and the irony is that the thread is about communication...:lmao:...some jokes just write themselves...lol

[catgotyourtongue]

thanks for your input

 

I fully realize women have a hard time communicating as well of course. I have a hard time myself at times, and I try hard to work through it, it's tough with everyones wounds and insecurities including my own.

 

i gave this guy a chance because I though he deserved it and we all have flaws, the behavior is now a real issue, i see a real pattern and I am basically asking abt men in general and how they would prefer to be addressed when a woman really wants to try and communicate or express her thoughts.

 

I am not that invested in this particular man but like to learn along the way and see where my behavior can improve and see another side or way. I usually give people a chance if they have proven to be a good guy and he has, in many other ways he has been remarkable and we had a nice connection early on, it just turned ugly fast so my guard is up and i want a healthy relationship and this does not seem to be it, but I also can say things in tones that hurt, or words, so i too am at fault. Just hate to fear conversations this early in a dating situation.

 

Appreciate your time and words

 

 

It isn't just men who can't communicate, it is women too. I speak from a female perspective of being the one who can't discuss issues. My reasons may be different from thiers, because it has to do with the intense emotional pain it causes me to hear any criticism. After 30 if this boy hasn't learned to come to terms with women needing to be heard, he isn't worth your time. It doesn't matter if the man is psychotic (not saying he is), you still need to constantly keep the communication lines open. Focus on one criticism at a time and communicate before the guy thinks he is doing okay, then bam you are yelling at him. Most likely he comes from a family dynamic with explosive tempors or a quiet family and instead of dealing with these emotions, which men aren't encouraged to do, he shut down at a young age. If you plan to stay with him, communicate one issue at a time and wait for him to change, if he doesn't try, leave. If you can't stop yourself from exploding, then write it down.

[catgotyourtongue]

Great question and thanks for tuning in on that.

 

Actually when I approached him, he went immediately to blame or telling me what I did to add to the bad night, and once the conversation went a minute or two, he said I AM OUT - this night is over. The restaurant was closed, it was time to go, I give him that. But once he saw I was wanting a conversation, he bailed. When I saw he was bailing on me I got snippy and escalated in words, not in loudness, but i said some things cause this was like the third time in 2 weeks this happened so I saw red.

 

He did not get real loud, he merely just cuts me off and says I AM OUT, and takes off. And it just feels brutal. In a way, many ways, he is smart to know when to end a night and say 'enough" yet it's very harsh and childish to handle it that way. I just want some sort of dialogue and he cant handle it emotionally once he is hurt i guess.

 

Good guy, wounded soul, communication = control it seems to him. shame cause he is cool, but i think we are so diametrically opposed in our styles of talk that it may be too hard and i dont want to put him or myself through that constant struggle.

 

thanks again

When you have confronted any issues while in public (re: leaving you in a restaurant), did the conversation get loud and embarrassing for him?

 

I'm just trying to figure out if he left because he didn't want things to escalate any more or if he's just an a##hole.

[catgotyourtongue]

Actually been abt 8 dates or so...

 

I am just sharing the hard part, and issue at hand, but he has been kind otherwise, attentive mostly, responsive in his style of communication "text" and outside of these episodes, a good guy with what seems a warm heart. Otherwise I would have said SEE YA several dates back.

 

I also know how hard communication is and how wounded we all are so at times I give people a break, often, if I see several other good things in them. BUT communication is everything so if we cant get better on that, its a done deal. I aint raising any more pups as I say. Too old to be trainer and leader, need partner...willing one...meet me halfway

 

thanks again

happy holidays

talking it out is helpful

 

A few dates and you're already feeling ignored or put down?

 

Walk away.

 

It would be one thing if you'd been dating a year and the three times you'd tried to discuss something he'd kicked you out of his house. Messed up as that is, you'd have something to work on.

 

But if someone is from the get go seeming abusive, it is only going to get worse.

 

Why are you so invested in this guy?

[catgotyourtongue]

Really, lol

Wow

 

The reason I dont give deep details is because I am writing in an open forum, one that he or others would recognize as me. Pls respect that. I have nothing to hide, I just am trying to have some level of self awareness here and not blabber every detail in case he or others are viewing this thats all.

 

If you and the other snickering abt this have a need to try and haul accusations or look at my motives, it's fairly silly and useless. i came here open to get ideas on how to approach men that are very uncomfy talking. I sure realize I need help myself and work on that.

 

If you want to jump all over my integrity and post jokes to eachother abt my communication skills its plain ugly and is the opposite of the reason I came. For ideas, insight not for you all to question who I am, really???

 

to those that were honest and answered me without judgement, thank you so much. It's amazing how people want to jump all over someone when i was reaching out for help...

 

I know enough to walk away from this....:-)

glad u all feel comfy dishing..

happy holidays and peace

 

 

A few dates and you're already feeling ignored or put down?

 

Walk away.

 

It would be one thing if you'd been dating a year and the three times you'd tried to discuss something he'd kicked you out of his house. Messed up as that is, you'd have something to work on.

 

But if someone is from the get go seeming abusive, it is only going to get worse.

 

Why are you so invested in this guy?

 

Ah and the irony is that the thread is about communication...:lmao:...some jokes just write themselves...lol

[catgotyourtongue]

Enjoy your holidays

 

thanks for the open forum...and digs, love it.

 

done responding to this sort of thing, healthy boundaries rock.

peace out

Ah and the irony is that the thread is about communication...:lmao:...some jokes just write themselves...lol