LimboNewb Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 This isn't a purely question thread, but sort of my anonymous way to air what has been causing me a mental itch for a couple months now. Back story: We're both 28; started talking online in June; first date in august been seeing each other exclusively irregularly since then; physical things haven't gotten very far (more on that later). Issues: 1.) If it wasn't clear, I'm not particularly glad that the physical aspect of the relationship hasn't gotten very far but I'm willing to wait until she thinks it's apt and I'd like to open a discussion with her about it but... 2.) Her availability (i.e. time) is pretty terrible--she is a teacher and has to wake up extremely early and thus go to bed fairly early which essentially means we only get to see each other on weekends which is alright but... 3.) she often has family obligations of some sort (e.g. dog sitting) that makes that even difficult so often times we can only do a day "date" (e.g. museum) which doesn't present an opportunity to have an intimate discussion in private. So anyhow, I haven't had an opportunity to try and discuss [in person] what I really just want an explanation for--i.e. I don't want her to feel like the lack of physical intimacy is a problem as if I'm pressuring for it; I only want to know if there is a deeper reason behind it (inexperience, abuse, whatever) so I'm not left in the dark. I learned a pretty important lesson from my last relationship: while sacrifice is important, it's possible to overdo it (I did). However, the complete lack of sacrifice (e.g. making time to do something) is discouraging and leads to ranting on message boards on the internet . When we are together it is apparent she's attached to me but the outward actions haven't really represented that. I don't for a minute think she's playing a game with me but I could see how it could appear that way. So while I'm still seeking my own answers, let me also contribute some sage advice: Money (e.g. gifts) and words don't express affection nearly as effectively or succinctly as sacrificing your time. I believe this is precisely where the phrase "it's the thought that counts" because the investment of your time in finding a thoughtful gift is more important to the receiving party than the money or words that it took to make the transaction. If it's not obvious why this relates it's simply that she doesn't appear (note: appear, I'm not assuming it's actually the case) to be willing to sacrifice what I would consider a reasonable amount--e.g. staying up later once a week so we can do something other than a quick dinner. Her schedule just "is" and I need to fit myself into it. I think I already explained what my next actions need to be, but if anyone would like to chime in their own stories or advice go ahead.
january2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I suggest talking to her directly about the physical aspect. The "reason" could be any of the things that you mentioned or it could be something entirely different. Regarding her being busy, some would suggest that no matter how busy someone may be, if they really wanted to be with you, then they would make time. If her schedule is going to remain inflexible for the longer term then you may need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you if you can't see yourself waiting until her schedule is more flexible and/or you're the kind of person who needs more face-time than she's willing or able to give.
Author LimboNewb Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 That was precisely my thoughts. Somewhat humorously, she broke it off with me saturday night (on the phone) so I didn't even get the chance to ask about it--I did mention that I was intending to have a "chat" with her about things that were bothering me and she was slightly surprised (go figure). So for the first time ever I was both right and wrong and yet on a similar page as my [now] ex. I suppose that makes it my healthiest relationship yet (despite the result). The only thing that's a bit disappointing is I didn't really learn much from this experience (other than perhaps some of my instincts were "right"). Oh well, my previous thoughts about sacrifice still stand and perhaps she wasn't willing (as you implied) due to not really wanting to be with me--though that assumption opens a lot of questions (e.g. being invited to her birthday) that I may never get an answer to. I thought I was the only one being hesitant! I take back my previous statement--I did learn something but it was mostly a reinforcement of what I've learned before: communicate! This was sort of a strange situation where the communication itself was difficult to schedule but that's no real excuse. So, the lesson is: communicate even if it's hard to, or more specifically, communicate especially because it's hard to. Now let's see if I can apply that. Have a good holiday everybody!
ldlover Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I agree with much of what you've said. In a relationship, both people need to be happy as individuals but still be willing to sacrifice the time/energy to work on their happiness as a couple as well. You don't want it to be one sided, where one person is far more willing to make sacrifices than the other as it will lead to imbalance and resentment in the relationship.
Author LimboNewb Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Yep! Thanks for the reply. I've found that (I think) I have a much higher tolerance for what I'm willing to give (and even the resentment that might follow) than others which is not a problem in and of itself (IMO) but needs to be understood well in order to make myself--and ultimately everyone involved--happy. For instance, in my last relationship (i.e. before the subject of this post) we both gave quite a bit but we gave so much that we stunted our social growth (i.e. forsake possible friendship events for the relationship). I recognized the fact but ignored it--she realized too and identified that we were both essentially trying for the sake of a relationship. Side note: fortunately for me I've since had a reboot due to a move and am finally meeting people in spite of any dating. (Yay)
ldlover Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Yep! Thanks for the reply. I've found that (I think) I have a much higher tolerance for what I'm willing to give (and even the resentment that might follow) than others which is not a problem in and of itself (IMO) but needs to be understood well in order to make myself--and ultimately everyone involved--happy. Me, too. I am willing to give a lot but I'm finding lately that it is catching up with me as I'm left wanting more from others (ie: my partner). I'm willing to give but I am beginning to expect the same in return whereas before, I would have been much more tolerant of my own self-sacrifice. You still need to be you and recognize that your own needs are just as important as your partner. Sometimes I have felt like it is wrong for me to want/expect things in the relationship but in reality it's not. It should just come down to good communication and talking things out.
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