Extremely jealous of my bf's ex and don't know if he loves me

[xomotoxgirlxo]

I need some advice!

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now. Before me, he was dating this girl for 3 ½ years until she cheated and broke up with him. Then we started dating 2 weeks later. I have known him for about 3+ years because he is my brothers friend and we worked at the same place.

 

When we first started dating he would always talk about her. Then a few months into the relationship I started seeing things, like pictures of them at his grandmas house, an old shoe box filled with things from her, naked pictures of her on his phone, pictures of her on his computer and even a pair of her underwear! He deleted the naked pictures right then and there when I found them and moved the shoe box into the attic. The pictures of her on his computer are still there even though I have told him several times to delete them. And with the underwear, well I found those monthssss ago and he still hasn't gotten rid of them (they are in the shoe box in the attic.)

 

Because of all these circumstances I have acquired this huge amount of jealousy for his ex. I have never felt this way before about anyone and its just killing me inside. I have searched her on google, facebook and myspace. I know soooo much about her and its annoying! I know she has had a new boyfriend for the past year and her and my boyfriend haven't talked in almost a year (as far as I know.) His whole entire family say they like me way better and I am in his heart more than I think I am. But he is unable to tell me he loves me. He has not said it once in a year and a half! I tell him I love him and he really doesn't say anything back. I have never been cheated on and I can only imagine what it feels like. I know he has a wall up because of it, but I don't think its fair to me.

 

I guess I am very unsure about what to do about everything! I already know I seem very insecure and it's unattractive to him, but I feel like it stemmed from everything I have seen and heard. I don't know if I am making a big deal or not.

[Kinder-Horror]

Your jealousy is justified. It is usually hard to see and memory of past partners of a significant other. Even two-year old photos on facebook, let alone naked photos on a phone and a shoebox full of memories. I have been on either side of the spectrum when it comes to cheating and relationships (not proud!!). And I know that the damage can be severe, especially for a person who may have already be guarded with love before it happened.

He may very well love you - but saying it is probably a really hard thing to do. I can only assume here, so forgive me, but I am sure he said it to his previous GF... and she went and betrayed him. It's probably going to be quite a while for him to lay his cards on the table like that again and be vulnerable like that.

 

Hang in there. You aren't the ex.... but don't be jealous. Because not being the ex is a good thing.

[xomotoxgirlxo]

Its sad that I literally have no idea if he loves me or not. Only when hes drunk will he say things like "I belong to you and I would never admit it." I know he told his ex he loved her (although his sister has told me that his ex would complain about how long it took him to say I love you) I just don't know the full extent of their relationship. I just know if it was perfect she wouldn't have done what she did. I posted this in a different thread and people were saying I am the rebound, which makes sense. I wish I was strong enough to get up and leave. I just want to know for sure what he see's with me. I am tired of starting over with new guys.

[Kinder-Horror]

You may or may not be the rebound... But you need to take a hard look about how YOU feel about the relationship. If you guys are great and it is just these three words you haven't heard yet that is bothering you, then I would say relax and enjoy the relationship. However, it sounds like it is more than that - so regardless of what he has/hasn't said yet... you should consider if you actually want to be with him or not.

[xomotoxgirlxo]

And that is exactly what I am going to do. I am unhappy with him. Someone told me that actions speak louder than words. I am not being told I am loved, nor I am I being treated like I am loved. I honestly do not know why I am still with him. I thought I loved him, I did everything for him. I am just being used.

[imagine]

You know that you are being used. This makes you a doormat. No one likes a doormat.

 

If you love him, show character. Right now you have already lost him. Leave him for a week -is he worth the effort. If you think he is, tell him to fight for you. He must be your champion and you must always feel cherished.

[xomotoxgirlxo]

Yeah I realized I am being used. He is extremely selfish and always wants me to do things for him. Plus, he is only taking, not giving and thats not how a relationship should be. He pulled the last straw with me last night and I asked him if could think about why he is even with me and give me an answer in a few days. If he can't even answer that question than its just another reason for me to leave him.

[freestyle]

I've been in your shoes before OP--it's very hard on your self-esteem.

 

If he started dating you only two weeks after breaking off a 3 1/2 year relationship--then he never took the time to properly grieve and heal from the loss.

 

Unfortunately, that's not really fair to you.

 

 

it's possible that you are his "transition person" , I'm sorry to say it. Basically you connected with him when he was in a rough place, and possibly not being his authentic self.

 

I agree with the other poster who suggested that you walk away--at this point in time, if he's not reciprocating your feelings. It could be that he needs a taste of what it's going to be like to not have you in his life.

 

Either he will realize that he's not ready to give himself to a relationship, or he'll realize that you're a fantastic person that he doesn't want to lose.

 

I know you'll run the risk of losing him--but if he's being half-hearted about your relationship, then he's keeping you from finding someone who will give you his full heart.

 

Bottom line---by walking away, you'll learn the truth about how he feels.

[xomotoxgirlxo]

Thank you freestyle. Now, I just need to figure out when a good time is to walk away. It just sucks that I am feeling this way right before Christmas.