I'm seriously not doing well

[curiousnycgirl]

I don't know where to turn anymore, I'm at a loss. I started therapy (yes CBT before you even ask) 2 weeks ago - if anything that is making me feel worse and actually make me miss him more.

 

The truth is my whole world has been rocked this year. In brief:

1. in April began to suffer daily headaches that affected my vision

2. in June my horse suffered a fairly bad injury (broke a bone in his leg) - I've been nursing him back to health ever since, to the point that it's costing me a boatload of time and money (that I really shouldn't be spending but ok)

3. in September (one week before we were supposed to leave for a 2.5 week vacation that I had already paid for) I found my ex's Match.com profile that showed he had been active within 24 hours. I looked for it after he had left his email account up and he had 3 emails in a row with the subject line of "Pictures from XYZ from Match.com" - when I asked/confronted him about the profile he lied. needless to say we parted ways at that moment and I went on vacation alone.

4. in October when I returned from vacation I got confirmation that after 12 years with my company I would be losing my job in December

5. same week my mother decided to once again do what she does best, kick me when I am down. I haven'nt spoken with her since.

6. after dealing with that horror I actually interviewed and got an offer, which I accepted, to start a new job in January

7. in November my current employer decided NOT to let me go (thereby NOT paying me roughly $200-300K), so the new employer rescinded their offer

8. current employer has new strategy - rather than execute annual layoffs (which we have been doing for several years now) those who were on the target list must either find new positions within the Firm, or be "managed out" which is simply a nice way of saying made so miserable they quit (and then the Firm doesn't have to pay severance or difference comp).

 

Basically I cry every single day now. I am still able to put on a good, strong face when I am with other people (which is only for an hour or two each day) but when I alone, I am basically in tears and sobbing. I just can't figure out how I got to this place, nor how to get out of it.

 

I know I am a good person, I know I do good things for others. To be candid I rarely ask for anything for myself - it's actually one of the most frustrating things about me - and I apologize for that.

 

Throughout my career I have trained and promoted others. When I have seen talent in individuals I have nourished it and helped them advance. When friends have been in bad situations I have helped them find new ones. Yet here I am needing some help and I am being ignored and forgotten.

 

So why am I so unloveable? Why am I so alone? I will say here what I can only say in an anonymous internet forum - were it not for my pets needing me, and my biggest fear being my horse ending up on someone's dinner plate in France, I would seriously be considering suicide, but unfortunately that's not even an option for me either.

 

So what can I do now? I seriously need some help folks. I can't keep going on like this - I want to be happy again.

[stopthemadness]

I don't know where to turn anymore, I'm at a loss. I started therapy (yes CBT before you even ask) 2 weeks ago - if anything that is making me feel worse and actually make me miss him more.

 

The truth is my whole world has been rocked this year. In brief:

1. in April began to suffer daily headaches that affected my vision

2. in June my horse suffered a fairly bad injury (broke a bone in his leg) - I've been nursing him back to health ever since, to the point that it's costing me a boatload of time and money (that I really shouldn't be spending but ok)

3. in September (one week before we were supposed to leave for a 2.5 week vacation that I had already paid for) I found my ex's Match.com profile that showed he had been active within 24 hours. I looked for it after he had left his email account up and he had 3 emails in a row with the subject line of "Pictures from XYZ from Match.com" - when I asked/confronted him about the profile he lied. needless to say we parted ways at that moment and I went on vacation alone.

4. in October when I returned from vacation I got confirmation that after 12 years with my company I would be losing my job in December

5. same week my mother decided to once again do what she does best, kick me when I am down. I haven'nt spoken with her since.

6. after dealing with that horror I actually interviewed and got an offer, which I accepted, to start a new job in January

7. in November my current employer decided NOT to let me go (thereby NOT paying me roughly $200-300K), so the new employer rescinded their offer

8. current employer has new strategy - rather than execute annual layoffs (which we have been doing for several years now) those who were on the target list must either find new positions within the Firm, or be "managed out" which is simply a nice way of saying made so miserable they quit (and then the Firm doesn't have to pay severance or difference comp).

 

Basically I cry every single day now. I am still able to put on a good, strong face when I am with other people (which is only for an hour or two each day) but when I alone, I am basically in tears and sobbing. I just can't figure out how I got to this place, nor how to get out of it.

 

I know I am a good person, I know I do good things for others. To be candid I rarely ask for anything for myself - it's actually one of the most frustrating things about me - and I apologize for that.

 

Throughout my career I have trained and promoted others. When I have seen talent in individuals I have nourished it and helped them advance. When friends have been in bad situations I have helped them find new ones. Yet here I am needing some help and I am being ignored and forgotten.

 

So why am I so unloveable? Why am I so alone? I will say here what I can only say in an anonymous internet forum - were it not for my pets needing me, and my biggest fear being my horse ending up on someone's dinner plate in France, I would seriously be considering suicide, but unfortunately that's not even an option for me either.

 

So what can I do now? I seriously need some help folks. I can't keep going on like this - I want to be happy again.

You are not alone! All of us her on the L/S are going through breakups and health problems and in between jobs the whole nine. And by all that I mean ME! I too see a therapist. In fact I saw her yesterday, we met for 2 hours.When ever I see her (every 2 weeks) I always feel stronger for a few days aways. She gets me, she understands how much I loved "him" and she gets what its like for me to try to work through this process of this break up. You dont say how long you were together, But for me it was 8 1/2 years. Ive had a very hard time keepin NC, and I know that a BIG part of my problem. Soo am working on it..Try to let the therapist in, in your head and your heart. You have to want it to help you. There is no one size fits all remedy out there. Find what works for you. I hope you feel better.. Keep posting it helps..God Bless...

[paleblue]

2010 has kinda sucked for a lot of people, including me. You know the old saying, when it rains it pours. That means in good times and bad. You are going to have to hold out until all this garbage passes. Sucks, but what else can you do? It will pass. Perhaps another way of looking at it…All this bad stuff that’s happening all at once… You are getting it all out of the way at once Things will settle out, just give it some time. I know it might sound kinda gay, but thinking positive also does help I do believe. Think about yourself and meeting your own needs for now. Do what makes you happy for awhile.

 

Also, him, be glad you found out now, instead of after moving in together or something more serious… It was kinda a gift in a sense

 

That’s pretty awesome being able to take care of your own horse. I wish I had something like that!

[anne1707]

(((hugs))) - what a year you have had!

 

But as others have said, you have had way more than your share this year and it can't carry on like that. Plus you have also shown strength - looking after your horse, being offered another job (their loss for then not following through), finally getting rid of your ex (you deserve way better).

 

Have you got plans for over the holidays?

[IfiKnewThen]

hi curious i really felt your pain in that letter. its a cumulative thing. one stress on top of another. and loved ones are supposed to "pick up us..perk us" up when we are down dont make us feel worse , more lonely and sink lower. i know people dont mean it, and they have their own problems, but some people just dont have it in the either. I know first hand, because i am having the same kind of year. and loved ones and adding to the stress and seem heatless and clueless at times. actually this time i am soooooooooo down, that they are being a bit better with compassion, but it doesnt last and its not saying much.

 

i feel i have to turn to forums and strangers too. wow that sounds bad...but its the truth. i have never been so depressed for the holidays. i almost hate them this year.

 

i am walking around in a daze feeling so sad and grieving the lost of my bestfriend and boyfriend who broke off with me 7 months ago. its a long complicated story.

 

everything and i mean most everything...has gone wrong for me this year. its almost spooky its so horrible. i hate waking up and love going to sleep. being unconscious is the highlight of my day.

 

but heres what i do to get through....

 

and heres what i know and read...

 

1) i keep a routine as best as i can. just to provide some kind of normalcy and familiarity with your day

 

2) ok switch this one up with number one. this should be number one. i pray and pray and pray to God. i try to trust and keep the faith that he hears me and will comfort me and get me through this somehow

 

3) i try to remember how strong of a woman i always was before. although this is the motherload of bad times for me. because i lost the person i leaned on the most and who really knew me. till i pushed them over the edge..(we had a ldr) and i didnt show them how much they meant to me. which they did. but i try to remember all the things that i didnt allow to break me before. so i say to myself..somehow you can do this too.

 

4) i think of all others suffering out there and although, their pain hurts me and it doesnt stop my pain..because ours is ours alone and we have to be alone in out bodies and soul and it suxs but its true. but it helps to know..and strength can still be found in numbers.. to know..we are not alone in that sense.

 

5) watch good movies..(not love stories)...happy up beat..movies that you saw as a kid to relive the old you and bring that feeling to surface.

 

6) watch things occassionally that arent happy. to make you feel your not alone. yikes

 

7) go shopping WITH someone. get some new outfits. and think of them as your better life ahead outfits.

 

8) i even go back to wearing old clothes when i had a better life to sort of step back into that moment. wow this sounds intense...but when your sad you have to survive...so do it

 

9) visit or call old friends

 

10) keep looking into options for jobs but dont overwhelm yourself with the task. look for 1 job a month. know something will come along

 

11) rest when you need to . crawl up in bed and tell yourself its ok fo a day or two or three to be a bum (lol) and be nurturing and kind to yourself

 

12) know eventually you will make up with your mom. tell yourself she human and got her habits from her generation and her family. forgive her. write her a note how you feel when youre up to it.

 

work on yourself in every aspect. in due time.

 

and there is a great thread i have to pass along from LS that this guy wrote...have to find it in my files..how he survived his loss with his girlfriend. its funny and sad...but very inspiring. i think of that thread a lot to get me thru the day

 

 

i had a setback with my ex. and i more depressed now. but i was coming a long before that. maybe because i did hold out hope with him. but now i kinda really know better...

 

i am back to square one and maybe minus. wow i dont sound upbeat LOL. but, i dont know what else to do because i am so sad. i came on here the otherday crying my eyes out. i was grieving the loss of him in my life sooo bad. still am. i confess i am even frightened. but all we have is one day at a time. thats the biggest thing. one day at a time...

 

God bless....

[curiousnycgirl]

thanks for responding guys - i really appreciate it, people around me just tell me to get over it and stop being so selfish and tell me they don't undersatnd how I can still be so upset. i don't understand it either but that doesn't mean I'm not - so i try to hide it, then i just hide me.

 

stopthemadness - we were together for the better part of 6 years, mostly on, but some off during those years. he lost his job 6 months into the relationship - and I started paying for everyting we did together - hindsight is 20/20 but that may have been the beginning of the end. Or it may have been what kept me around as I tend to be a giver and apparently he is a taker. Whatever - we never lived together (something that always bothered me) and he certainly never wanted to marry me which always made me feel not good enough.

 

paleblue - yes I love my horse (and my dog, and my cat), believe it or not he's a lap horse. he's a big baby. my problem is at the moment i can't drive at night, well at least not when other cars are on the road (my vision problem is depth perception - especially at night and at speeds) so I've had to pay someone else to help me, which sort of sucks. I agree with your perspective that it's all hitting at once, so I'm lucky and getting it over with quickly but I've gotta tell you I'm close to my breaking point.

 

While I come across as very strong and happy go lucky on the outside, I am always crying on the inside. I don't understand why I can't seem to find anyone who will care for me as I care for them and why it seems that so many nasty selfish people are so well cared for. I know the old saying that we teach people how to treat us - I just wish some of the people around me would read their bible - you know the part where it says do unto others as you would have them do unto you.....?

 

Once again thanks for responding - it's been a very long time since I've been this low - I didn't like it then, I like it even less now. To tell the truth I'm stunned at some of the people in my life and how they are treating me - and not in a good way.

 

I have ALWAYS been there for my sister, she even said that when she was screaming at me the other day. Somehow she did not understand that screaming at me was probably not the best way to be communicating with me. Nor was judging me for crying, or being defensive when I said things, etc. Note to self, do not speak with my sister until I am strong enough to be there for her again.

 

OY.

[curiousnycgirl]

Thanks Anne - I know I deserve better, I just don't understand how someone I loved so very much could do that to me and then when I found out and told him how badly it hurt me, just not care. I'll just never be that uncaring - and that's what makes me such a big fat cry baby.

 

I don't have any plans for the holidays - but I'm jewish so it's not really a big deal for me. I hope to lay low, and play with my horse - perhaps drink a bit.

 

IfIKnewThen - you are right, I have also turned back to G-d a bit. I figured perhaps I need to recenter myself, although I am not so delusional to think G-d has time to mess with me, I figure I'm probably suffering from bad choices I've made, or some such thing and a little prayer wouldn't hurt.

 

As far as the rest of your list, my therapist and I will work on my relationship with my mother, I'm not certain getting back in touch with her is all that healthy for me. She's been abusive (physically, emotionally and in other ways) to me all my life, so it really shouldn't have surprised me that she did this - the good news is I nipped it in the bud this time - I guess that shows growth.

 

I'll work on some of your other suggestions, at least the ones that work for me (alas I hate to shop!) - and I promise I'll try to be more social - it's just so freaking hard when everyone expects me to entertain them.

 

Once again thank you so very much! The ideas are fabulous and your caring is such a blessing!

[anne1707]

I don't have any plans for the holidays - but I'm jewish so it's not really a big deal for me. I hope to lay low, and play with my horse - perhaps drink a bit.

 

I remembered you were Jewish

 

My thoughts were that with places shutting down, friends possibly being wrapped up with family etc that you might have too much quiet time on your own if feeling low

[curiousnycgirl]

I remembered you were Jewish

 

My thoughts were that with places shutting down, friends possibly being wrapped up with family etc that you might have too much quiet time on your own if feeling low

 

Wow you are so good! Actually this year it falls on friday night/saturday - so it's shabbos. Since the breakup I have a new bizarre routine for that time frame since I don't sleep anymore. I walk the dog about 5 miles and then head to the barn. Home by 7:30 or 8, shower, walk the dog again then synagogue until 2ish and then it's time for a nap! See by then the day is over. :bunny:

 

IMO New Years Eve has always been amateur night, so really no biggie. But thanks.

[tobydog]

You have so much to deal with, apart from your break up. I think you have done well so far and the other issues will resolve in time. Baby steps is a good one, that idea helped me. I had to get things done in small steps. You have your pets, my 2 golden retrievers have given us so much comfort. Is yours a retriever? Take care and I send you my thoughts and prayers that things will get better for you very soon. D x

[IfiKnewThen]

i was with him 10 glorious years. he was amazing. i am still stunned and its so hrad to come to terms with. so sad. . if i had one wish to make. he made me a better person for everyone else in my life unfortunately for me.....because he took the stress off. BUT i ended up putting it back on him...what a mess. talk about bad choices. how messed up just how everything comes down to choices and timing.

 

 

hope to get a miracle or 2 now...

 

i wish i tried harder to get him back too. i feel i did but i was always walking on eggshells.

 

God grant me the serenity...........

[Ariadne]

I'm so sorry curiousnycgirl!

 

All these problems!!!

 

You tend to get really upset without that guy like you did last time, and now without your mother is even worse.

 

I can tell you to listen to this guy like I've told other people in your situation.

 

Give him a chance because it makes for a good listening in times like these.

[Star Gazer]

You are NOT unlovable. I love you. You've helped me so much over the years, you are an AMAZING woman. I only wish you could see what others do.

 

You've had a tough year, and this time of year isn't easy for many of us. But you'll get through this. One step at a time.

 

(((HUGS)))

[curiousnycgirl]

I'm so sorry curiousnycgirl!

 

All these problems!!!

 

You tend to get really upset without that guy like you did last time, and now without your mother is even worse.

 

I can tell you to listen to this guy like I've told other people in your situation.

 

Give him a chance because it makes for a good listening in times like these.

 

Thanks Ariadne - I'll listen to him later, after the work day is over.

 

To be honest my mother has never been someone I've ever been able to turn to - I've just never had EVERYTHING in my life go south at the same time. Either things are rough at work, or in my personal life, never both. And typically when I've had a bad day or week, I can go to the barn hop on my horse and spend a few hours in the saddle and the world feels right again. There is no better feeling in the world like flying through a course on the back of your horse.

 

This year it ALL went bad, AND my poor horse is stuck in his stall going out of his mind with boredom. Now to be fair I thank G-d every single day that he is on the mend and stilll with us - I don't want you to think I take that for graned, because I don't. And I know that in the grand scheme of things I have no right to be complaining - there are so many more people in this world that are less fortunate than I am.

 

Nevertheless I am having a tough time at the moment. I am sorry if I could stop crying I assure you all I would - I truly hate being this sad all the time, I really do.

[abust1]

That is a terrible string of events for sure, but none of them mean you are unlovable.

 

I'm no lawyer, but the way your current employer is handling things is at least unethical. Telling you you're laid off and then reneging? I would look into whether any laws were broken during that type of treatment.

 

And if only we could sue our ex's for emotional trauma.

[threebyfate]

A million ((((hugs))))).

 

Yes, you're totally loveable and a wonderful person.

 

Get yourself an employment lawyer ASAP! Not sure why the job offer was rescinded by the potential new employer and is concerning.

[curiousnycgirl]

You are NOT unlovable. I love you. You've helped me so much over the years, you are an AMAZING woman. I only wish you could see what others do.

 

You've had a tough year, and this time of year isn't easy for many of us. But you'll get through this. One step at a time.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Thanks Star and I love you right back - truth of the matter is I do help a lot of people both here and in person. In fact here more people reciprocate than in real life. In fact the profile I had on Match that my ex responded to when we met actually said that I was looking for someone who would put me on a similar pedestal as I put them on. Well I certaily put him on a pedestal and I certainly took care of him, so what happen to the reciprocation?!

 

I take care of my sister, what happen to reciprocation? My sister tells me I have to tell her what to do for me - well she never tells me how to help her, I just do what I can, and it appears to be the right thing. Same with my firends - so why aren't they helping me.

 

The truth is I don't know what can help me right now (other than a new job - that really would help). It certainly isn't buying something, or I woud buy it. I truly just don't know. So if one of these people does know, as I know for them, why don't they just do it?!

 

Am I the only one who knows what to do when I see someone hurting? It's not like there is a set of steps to follow, you just do what feels right, so am I the only one who feels the right thing? Is that even possible?

 

I don't think so, to tell you the truth I believe I seem to surround myself with people who just don't seem to care enought to pay attention.

 

So how do I change that? What is the secret to finding people who care? People more like us? Perhaps that might be the answer. What do you think?

[curiousnycgirl]

That is a terrible string of events for sure, but none of them mean you are unlovable.

 

I'm no lawyer, but the way your current employer is handling things is at least unethical. Telling you you're laid off and then reneging? I would look into whether any laws were broken during that type of treatment.

 

And if only we could sue our ex's for emotional trauma.

 

Actually there is no law that requires a company to pay severance and the company I work for reserves the right to change dates and even revoke a severance date at their discretion, it's right in their policy, so while IMHO they are unethical - they have not broken any laws

 

A million ((((hugs))))).

 

Yes, you're totally loveable and a wonderful person.

 

Get yourself an employment lawyer ASAP! Not sure why the job offer was rescinded by the potential new employer and is concerning.

 

I've toyed with the idea of a lawyer - but in the end it would not be in my best interests. The potential new employer was well within their rights to rescind, I had changed the terms of my availability - I either needed to be bought out or they would have to wait until after bonus and still buy me out of differred comp (at least for bonus and differed comp - and then I would still be about $100K) - they needed someone by a certain date, which they pushed to wait for me.

 

There are other issues that a lawyer would probably be willing to take on, that I am not willing to post, but in the end it is a very small industry (aren't they all?) and I am a firm believe in penny wise pound foolish.

 

However I have gone on record that since they have chosen to keep me my financial contribution to the Firm's revenue is very measurable and FAR more impressive than ANYONE else in my division and therefore I expect to be compensated accordingly. If that does not happen when bonuses are communicated I can the choose to take action. Although I would most certainly prefer not to - I am most confident that would NOT allevitate my current mood.

[Ariadne]

I've just never had EVERYTHING in my life go south at the same time.

 

Well, you can start by giving yourself props for saving your horse's life and that he is doing better now and continue to improve.

 

Give thanks that he is still with you.

 

And you can give yourself props for getting that job offer and not getting fired.

 

Don't think you are the targeted one. They probably thought you were valuable enough that you already had an offer therefore they kept you.

 

Happy Holidays!

[threebyfate]

I've toyed with the idea of a lawyer - but in the end it would not be in my best interests. The potential new employer was well within their rights to rescind, I had changed the terms of my availability - I either needed to be bought out or they would have to wait until after bonus and still buy me out of differred comp (at least for bonus and differed comp - and then I would still be about $100K) - they needed someone by a certain date, which they pushed to wait for me.

 

There are other issues that a lawyer would probably be willing to take on, that I am not willing to post, but in the end it is a very small industry (aren't they all?) and I am a firm believe in penny wise pound foolish.

 

However I have gone on record that since they have chosen to keep me my financial contribution to the Firm's revenue is very measurable and FAR more impressive than ANYONE else in my division and therefore I expect to be compensated accordingly. If that does not happen when bonuses are communicated I can the choose to take action. Although I would most certainly prefer not to - I am most confident that would NOT allevitate my current mood.

Your current employer rescinded their layoff notice which is why you changed your availability date. The legal question to ask, as it relates to your jurisdiction is that if your existing employer put forth a layoff notice which includes severance in written form and you've accepted it, do they have the right to rescind without having to abide by the terms of the original notice if you refuse? Edited December 18, 2010 by threebyfate

[alwayshoping]

sending you lots of hugs x

 

You seem like a lovely person, just try make a plan of what you want to achieve and take one thing at a time if you can x

[curiousnycgirl]

Your current employer rescinded their layoff notice which is why you changed your availability date. The legal question to ask, as it relates to your jurisdiction is that if your existing employer put forth a layoff notice which includes severance in written form and you've accepted it, do they have the right to rescind without having to abide by the terms of the original notice if you refuse?

 

Actually they were 13 minutes away from giving it to me in writing - they had only told me the date verbally to be "good guys." So good point, however their policy does give them the right to change the date after notification in writing.

 

Unless there is a class ation, we are all stuffed - noone wants to take the case. Truth is in this market, most people are thrilled to still be getting a pay check. As my shrink just told me I need to be happy about this too - so I'm putting on my smiley face.

[curiousnycgirl]

I suggest the Coping Room.

 

I'm sorry I thought I had put this in the Coping section of the forum. What am I missing here?

[curiousnycgirl]

sending you lots of hugs x

 

You seem like a lovely person, just try make a plan of what you want to achieve and take one thing at a time if you can x

 

Thanks I really appreciate the hugs and support. I am doing exactly as you suggest just taking it all one step at a time. G-d willing I'm just getting all the bad stuff at once and soon all the good, or at least neutral (I'd be thrilled with neurtral!) will start coming my way.

 

Meanwhile I wish nothing but the best for each and every one of us.

[sammyd]

I know exactly how you are feeling, my year seems to have gone to pot as well!! Weird, one of my horses broke her leg too in February! She's well mended now and has just had her first run back:), the recession is taking a toll on business dramatically, i've had a lot of bad luck this year also.

It sounds as if everything has just happened at the same time and it's really got on top of you. Hang on in there, you're doing a great job!

This time of year makes it harder too. Winter, Christmas, all takes it's toll. I guess the best thing to do is to just take each day as it comes. Don't look too far ahead. I find it difficult to talk to friends about it in real life because i don't want to burden them with my problems, and i know what you mean when you say you don't feel anyone notices when you're hurting inside. I think people just don't notice because they see you as the strong one, not because they mean to not care, if that makes any sense?!