IceIceBaby Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 So I am 28 and have been dating a guy who is 32 for about 6 months. I wrote about him once before on here because at the 3 month mark we had "the talk" and he said he didn't want to label things yet. That kind of threw up a red flag, but I decided to give him more time since things were so new. Bring us now to 6 months. Nothing has changed in our interaction together. We see each other multiple times a week, both have spent time with each others family, etc. We act like a couple and he has the expectations of me as if I were his g/f. But he refers to me as "the girl I'm dating." Last night I was out and ran into a guy I dated back in college. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said no, but that I was dating someone. The situation turned hilarious with him kiddingly proposing marriage to me and referring to me and him as both single. When I repeated the story to my guy he proceeded to get upset that I had said I was single. I told him that didn't seem fair because just a couple of weeks ago he referred to himself as the only single guy at his job. So what was the difference. This morning he left me a VM apologizing and saying that it's obvious we're dating and it's not just a fling so it should be no problem for me to say that we're dating to other people. Then I called him and we talked about it again and I told him I get confused when people ask if I have a boyfriend. I told him I always say no because I know that's not what he wants with me. But I also told him I wasn't sure how long this would be ok with me. It's been 6 months and I'm not sure how long the "girl I'm dating" is going to work for me. His response was "ok." That's it, nothing more. What is that response? Is he basically telling me that he still doesn't want to be in a relationship with me? Now tomorrow I'm supposed to go with him to his family's Christmas party. I almost don't want to go. Am I overreacting here? Shouldn't you know by 6 months? Now I feel like he's ashamed to be with me like that. And this isn't even something I want to announce to everyone. It's just something I want to hear from him at this point. Help!
zengirl Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 He sounds really immature. And yes, the word "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" should not be so much of a big deal. You are correct on that.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Make it simple for him. Tell him you're his girlfriend or you're gone. Six months is plenty of time.
Author IceIceBaby Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 But it's not even so much the titles. When I think back to my exes I never really even used the title. I never introduced them as my boyfriend so and so. So it's not like I want to run around and announce to everyone he's my boyfriend. It's just an understanding and a sense of security that I want to hear from him. And the fact that after we talked about it today he didn't say that he wanted that with me...man that hurt.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Yeah, okay, fine...reread my last post. Or just start to distance yourself and look for other people that are more compatible and willing to make you feel comfortable in the relationship.
Ilovecake Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 He wants you all to himself yet wants to keep all his options open so if he meets someone else he can just say ‘we were just dating’, it’s an easy out. This is completely not fair to you. You have made your feelings very clear yet he's ignoring them. You have to decide whether you want to be with a guy who after six months has great expectations of you yet isn't willing to commit to you. Don't bring up labels like girlfriend and boyfriend just sit him down and say listen are we exclusive and monogamous or am I free to date other people? When he realizes there is a chance he might loose his comfy position with you he will come to a decision right quick. If you let guys push you around and control you they will do just that. You have to you’re your own boundaries and stand your ground.
Author IceIceBaby Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 We have talked about being exclusive. Both of us said we weren't going to see anyone else. I'm looking for a relationship and I guess I'm looking for him to tell me he wants that as well. Honestly I wouldn't even normally need to hear him say that, but all I have from him is "I don't want to label this." So now I do need to hear it because he said that. "The girl I'm dating" is started to sound awfully casual.
paleblue Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Well Ice, Im sorry to say this but it sounds like to me he’s not that into it. It sounds like he likes you, yes, but its not much deeper than that probably. I could be wrong, but all the signs seem to indicate that by what you are saying. Otherwise there shouldnt be an issue with all of this. I guess I would tread carefully. You could be just the flavor of the day until something else comes along.
tinktronik Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 You've told the 'guy you're dating' what you need and he's made it clear that he is not at this time willing to fulfill that need or even really discuss it. It's time you realize that after 6 months this is going nowhere. Time to move along.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 (edited) IceIceBaby, I was trying to just give you the bottom line earlier without going into explanation. Paleblue is right in the assessment that you are being kept at arm's length. My advice to you will force his hand and make him decide whether he is committed to you or not. That's what this is all about. You are fine without a label, as long as you're secure in his commitment. His actions have caused you to question his commitment(rightfully, so), and I think putting a label on it does signify a deeper commitment in his mind, so that's what you want from him. Has he ever told you, he loves you? I suggest you do something to shake him up, because he's gotten too comfortable and has all the control. I think the quickest, easiest way to fix this will be to say, "I'm not going to the Christmas party as, the girl you're dating." Suggesting an open relationship, where you can see other people, will probably also work. Edited December 17, 2010 by BackUpOrGetStung
Author IceIceBaby Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 No we have not said I love you. And honestly I'm ok with that at this point. If I force this out of him, then I'm doing what I hate the most...forcing someone to do something they don't want to do. So say he says what I want him to say. Then it's only been said because I basically gave him an ultimatum. What I really want is for him to just want to be in a relationship with me and just say it because he wants to. But that's not happening. I guess I don't understand how he can act the way he does with me and say the things he says to me, but not want to be with me. Does he just not mean those things? I guess some poeple are really capable of that.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Yes, dear. People are capable of saying things they don't mean, to placate those who are giving them what they want. It has happened once or twice throughout human history. "If I force this out of him, then I'm doing what I hate the most...forcing someone to do something they don't want to do. So say he says what I want him to say. Then it's only been said because I basically gave him an ultimatum. What I really want is for him to just want to be in a relationship with me and just say it because he wants to. But that's not happening." This is what my post was supposed to make you recognize. He does not want a relationship with you. The best solution for your happiness, will be to dump him now, on the grounds that your needs aren't being met and you don't feel secure or fulfilled in this "nonrelationship", and you want to find someone that does want a relationship with you. And again, do it before the xmas party.
music3000 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 it does sound like an easy way out for him. i feel like when someone really wants to be with you, nothing stops them from being with you. if its been 6 months already, your best bet would to walk away.
tinktronik Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Yes, dear. People are capable of saying things they don't mean, to placate those who are giving them what they want. It has happened once or twice throughout human history. "If I force this out of him, then I'm doing what I hate the most...forcing someone to do something they don't want to do. So say he says what I want him to say. Then it's only been said because I basically gave him an ultimatum. What I really want is for him to just want to be in a relationship with me and just say it because he wants to. But that's not happening." This is what my post was supposed to make you recognize. He does not want a relationship with you. The best solution for your happiness, will be to dump him now, on the grounds that your needs aren't being met and you don't feel secure or fulfilled in this "nonrelationship", and you want to find someone that does want a relationship with you. And again, do it before the xmas party. I second this post. Don't even attempt to force a commitment out of him, it's not what you want and it's not what he wants either. Just call the whole thing off.
Madgick1 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 (edited) ... But I also told him I wasn't sure how long this would be ok with me. It's been 6 months and I'm not sure how long the "girl I'm dating" is going to work for me. His response was "ok." That's it, nothing more. What is that response? ...! He's calling your bluff. Are you bluffing? If you aren't, you are going to have to think of what you want from him exactly, and what you are going to do when it doesn't happen, and how much longer you will wait for it to happen. And let him know, and follow thru. The shorter the waiting period the better in my opinion, but what you feel most comfortable with. For example, you might decide that if he can't introduce you at his family party as his girlfriend you aren't interested in going. Going to family parties is a gf/bf thing in your mind. Or maybe you are willing to give him until Valentines Day. Whatever you are comfortable with. Edited December 17, 2010 by Madgick1
Str8noChaser Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 We have talked about being exclusive. Both of us said we weren't going to see anyone else. I'm looking for a relationship and I guess I'm looking for him to tell me he wants that as well. Honestly I wouldn't even normally need to hear him say that, but all I have from him is "I don't want to label this." So now I do need to hear it because he said that. "The girl I'm dating" is started to sound awfully casual. Is that really what your current angst is boiling down too? You mentioned it's not about the title. You are fine that at this point neither of you have verbally expressed love for each other, so what you want for him to want is a relationship? Ok. Tell him you are looking for a relationship (which by the way being with him for the last 6 months sounds like just that since there is no title) and ask him if he is looking for the same.
NoLongerSad Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 No we have not said I love you. And honestly I'm ok with that at this point. If I force this out of him, then I'm doing what I hate the most...forcing someone to do something they don't want to do. So say he says what I want him to say. Then it's only been said because I basically gave him an ultimatum. What I really want is for him to just want to be in a relationship with me and just say it because he wants to. But that's not happening. I guess I don't understand how he can act the way he does with me and say the things he says to me, but not want to be with me. Does he just not mean those things? I guess some poeple are really capable of that. We never like to think of ourselves as someone else's "Plan B."
yah Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 It does sound like a major red flag. Have you asked him what 'dating' and 'relationship' means to him? Has he been in what he defines as a 'relationship' before? Could it be possible that being in a relationship means getting married soon? I know some guys that think that way. But at 32, it sounds like he can't commit. If you need the security and he can't provide it, I say walk.
Author IceIceBaby Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 He was with someone for 7 or 8 years, pretty much most of his 20's and she left him. They've been broken up for three years now. When we first discussed this 3 months ago he told me he wanted to take things slow because he was nervous after what happened with his ex. It's confusing to me though because his actions say something totally different. And just a couple of weeks ago he said he hoped to marry and have kids soon since he was getting up there in age. It's like he talks out of both sides of his mouth...makes no sense.
Str8noChaser Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 He was with someone for 7 or 8 years, pretty much most of his 20's and she left him. They've been broken up for three years now. When we first discussed this 3 months ago he told me he wanted to take things slow because he was nervous after what happened with his ex. It's confusing to me though because his actions say something totally different. And just a couple of weeks ago he said he hoped to marry and have kids soon since he was getting up there in age. It's like he talks out of both sides of his mouth...makes no sense. From the outside of your relationship, it does make sense. He may very well want those things. Not necessarily with you. Dating you for 6 months, he should be mindful that women tend to internalize what a man says and project themselves into situations, which is why most men keep it vague, until they feel the person they are with fits the bill. It sounds like he's been up and up with you about his past and his intentions and his future.
Ilovecake Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 He was with someone for 7 or 8 years, pretty much most of his 20's and she left him. They've been broken up for three years now. When we first discussed this 3 months ago he told me he wanted to take things slow because he was nervous after what happened with his ex. It's confusing to me though because his actions say something totally different. And just a couple of weeks ago he said he hoped to marry and have kids soon since he was getting up there in age. It's like he talks out of both sides of his mouth...makes no sense. It makes perfect sense, as you go through life you will notice that people will say just about anything to get what they want. What you need to do is pay less attention to his words and judge him more by his actions. His actions say you’re a rebound, a transition girl until he meets the woman he wants to marry. You fill his need as a date to family gatherings, as someone who will stroke his ego when needed, as a warm body but I’m thinking you will never be his girlfriend. He’s going to keep resisting and you will keep pushing until whatever it is you guys have breaks. Start thinking about your needs not his. It's not your problem that he had a bad relationship, we all have. It's the oldest excuse in the book for none commitment. If he came out of a bad relationship and is still dwelling on that then he should not be dating anyone.
LoveAintEverything Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 seems as if you are wasting your time......seems like he has no reason for you two to be labeled as a couple..if he was married or got really hurt I would understand, but he just seems really immature and not too serious about things...if you are expecting to have a family in a few years....I would end it and start new things
Eddie Edirol Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I know what hes doing, a friend of mine scoffs at the "labels" too. He is doing that because he doesnt see you as permanent long term material, and he hopes it will help you to not be as attached to him. So basically youre filling time until he finds the one he really wants to commit to. He's getting away with it because you let him. He'll never admit to that because he doesnt want to lose his booty call. I hope you will do the right thing and go find someone who will give you the label you want.
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