TigerCub Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Reading here I see some very insightful and helpful views from former BSs that have worked through issues of infidelity with the fWS. OWL and Spark come to mind specifically, but there are others that have been very helpful in talking about the process that they went though. My question is: Does talking about your experiences to OM/OW or whoever make you relive the pain? I know that in your cases, you were able to work your issues out with your spouses, but I just wonder if retelling the story brings back that initial pain. I only ask because now that I am out of the A, I try to offer help to those that are trying to get out of their own situations, and I'm happy to offer any insight I've come to in healing, but sometimes I have to admit that I do think of xMM and all the pain he's caused me as a result. I guess my pain is still too fresh, but yeah - I was just wondering if fBS ever relive the pain they went through by going over their own stories, or just by reading all these stories about infidelity. Thanks
herenow Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 No, the pain is long gone. I'm to the point where it feels good to be able to share and (hopefully) help someone.
bentnotbroken Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 When you work through it...there is no reason for it to be a problem again. Yes, there are sometimes stories that tear at your heart and makes you angry only because you do remember. I think that when I see my children still deal with a few issues because of their father...pissed is more like the emotion I feel. I guess what I am saying is there are moments of being pissed but I no longer live in the state pain and anger. I think time is the only thing that gets you out of that state and I am a few years out of it.
Snowflower Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Earlier in my healing process, LS was both a painful and helpful place for me..with the helpfulness outweighing the pain. Now, I come here because I like to try to help. I went through something incredibly painful and I feel like if I can use what I learned to help others, then at least my pain was partially worth it.
half_ofa_heart Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Earlier in my healing process, LS was both a painful and helpful place for me..with the helpfulness outweighing the pain. Now, I come here because I like to try to help. I went through something incredibly painful and I feel like if I can use what I learned to help others, then at least my pain was partially worth it. That is WONDERFUL SF! and I for one am grateful for any and all of your input. It is a painful sitch for all involved and we are all human and I believe no one intentionally wants to hurt anyone else and these forums allows us and people like you the means to help ourselves by helping others. so.. THANK YOU!
Snowflower Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 That is WONDERFUL SF! and I for one am grateful for any and all of your input. It is a painful sitch for all involved and we are all human and I believe no one intentionally wants to hurt anyone else and these forums allows us and people like you the means to help ourselves by helping others. so.. THANK YOU! That was really nice, thank you.
worlybear Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Personally, I find it helpful to come on here and realise that other BS's have had to climb the same hills as me. I find LS is an outlet and it helps to both post and read relevant threads. I can be myself here and if I feel crappy I can say so without worrying if I'm upsetting family and friends. 2 years on from finding out,I still struggle to cope with the magnitude of the deception from the person I trusted most in the world- but I guess that's me.
herenow Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 2 years on from finding out,I still struggle to cope with the magnitude of the deception from the person I trusted most in the world- but I guess that's me. No, I think that's normal. I was still struggling at 2 years too.
Author TigerCub Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 I want to thank all of you so much not only for answering this question but for providing the other perspective and for sharing what your own experiences (painful as they were/are) had to teach. I, for one, greatly appreciate that I'm also glad to hear that for the most part, posting here makes you happy to help, rather than reliving the pain
bentnotbroken Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 No, I think that's normal. I was still struggling at 2 years too. Me too. I think it is pretty standard.
Author TigerCub Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 2 years on from finding out,I still struggle to cope with the magnitude of the deception from the person I trusted most in the world- but I guess that's me. I can certainly understand that Worlybear. I mean, I can't imagine what it really is like for you, but I can certainly understand what you're saying, and I hope that with time, you'll make greater strides to get past that feeling of being betrayed and just being so hurt by all the deception done at the hands of the one person you were supposed to trust. I wish you all the best
Author TigerCub Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 I think that when I see my children still deal with a few issues because of their father...pissed is more like the emotion I feel. I guess what I am saying is there are moments of being pissed but I no longer live in the state pain and anger. I think time is the only thing that gets you out of that state and I am a few years out of it. I'm sorry that your kids had to suffer for their father's actions. How are they doing overall?
Owl Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 No, the pain is long gone. I'm to the point where it feels good to be able to share and (hopefully) help someone. This is almost word-for-word what I was about to respond with. Exactly how I feel as well.
bentnotbroken Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I'm sorry that your kids had to suffer for their father's actions. How are they doing overall? Overall we are blessed. They seem to do okay most of the time. They are young adults, but contrary to popular belief, young adults suffer as much from the effects of infidelity as little ones. Thank you for asking:).
Author TigerCub Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 Overall we are blessed. They seem to do okay most of the time. They are young adults, but contrary to popular belief, young adults suffer as much from the effects of infidelity as little ones. Thank you for asking:). I'm glad that overall they're doing well. And yes, I do think that although every family and every M and every A is different, its still reasonable to realize that the kids (no matter how old) would feel the effects of the A - after all, its still their parents. Thanks Bent
seibert253 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 No, the pain is long gone. I'm to the point where it feels good to be able to share and (hopefully) help someone. Right here myself.
seren Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I think HereNow nailed it, in the early days I looked for support sites to try to understand the dynamics of A's - now I come here to try to provide support to others, if I can.
silktricks Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Everyone else already said it, but in any case I agree. When I first started coming to LS it was still fairly early days, and "talking" about it did bring back the pain. Now though, I'm long past the pain and am glad when I can offer help to others - either BS or OP.
Linda9999 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I'm 9 months from D dday#1 and many things still trigger me. Including reading stuff on here and other forums. But the help far outweighs the hurt for me.
SidLyon Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Reading here I see some very insightful and helpful views from former BSs that have worked through issues of infidelity with the fWS. OWL and Spark come to mind specifically, but there are others that have been very helpful in talking about the process that they went though. My question is: Does talking about your experiences to OM/OW or whoever make you relive the pain? I know that in your cases, you were able to work your issues out with your spouses, but I just wonder if retelling the story brings back that initial pain. I only ask because now that I am out of the A, I try to offer help to those that are trying to get out of their own situations, and I'm happy to offer any insight I've come to in healing, but sometimes I have to admit that I do think of xMM and all the pain he's caused me as a result. I guess my pain is still too fresh, but yeah - I was just wondering if fBS ever relive the pain they went through by going over their own stories, or just by reading all these stories about infidelity. Thanks I'm just over 2 years out from d-day and we are successfully rebuilding our marriage. Reading some posts by both BW who have just had their d-day and OW who have been "dumped" or otherwise mucked about by MM, does sometimes cause me to trigger, as do the insightful comments of other posters when I can relate them to my own situation. I rarely offer specific support/advice to people (although I just did) and tend more to make comments which people can take note of or ignore as they choose. I'm not a great fan of some posters who seem to see their major role as "policing" the forums.
Fieldsofgold Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 My betrayal was a long way back, over 30 years. I don't ever think about it, and so it doesn't hurt. But a couple of times here, when I have written about the down and dirty details, it hurt all over again. Not for long. It didn't ruin my entire day or anyhing - but it was almost like a flashback for a little while there. It really surprised me that I would feel anything; I thought I was sooo over it. It made me wonder if I had just stuffed the feelings (which would have momentarily been easier and safer than dealing with then.)
Fight4Me Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 My question is: Does talking about your experiences to OM/OW or whoever make you relive the pain? I know that in your cases, you were able to work your issues out with your spouses, but I just wonder if retelling the story brings back that initial pain. By the time I found LS, I was at a point in my healing where the majority of the triggering and pain was behind me, even though it had been less than a year into our reconciliation (not the norm, obviously). Retelling my story, if anything, reminds me how blessed I am, and I really desire to pass that onto others. Not only did I want to do this for other BS's, but also for those OP/WS's who might benefit from the hope my experience may offer them... that there is life after an affair. I only ask because now that I am out of the A, I try to offer help to those that are trying to get out of their own situations, and I'm happy to offer any insight I've come to in healing, but sometimes I have to admit that I do think of xMM and all the pain he's caused me as a result. I guess my pain is still too fresh, but yeah - I was just wondering if fBS ever relive the pain they went through by going over their own stories, or just by reading all these stories about infidelity. Thanks Every situation is different, but I know that reliving the pain is a normal part of the healing process although you can expect it to subside with time. Don't expect too much from yourself and know that it's okay to insulate yourself if retelling is going to set you back. I've really come to appreciate your posts and whether you're aware of it or not, someone out there is benefiting a great deal from your perspective (on both sides of the fence).
Lauriebell82 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I was never cheated on, but I was involved in a serious relationship with a pathological liar who really hurt me and used to flirt with girls on the internet in chats that he saved in his email. I discovered them and finally snapped and broke up with him. Whether or not he actually did cheat I don't know, but he was getting dangerously close. That was 5 years ago, I am married now with a wonderful husband. But I still sometimes think about the pain he caused me, and I relive some of it. It's hard not to. I still have a lot of resentment I suppose. What I try to think about it when it happens, is that I have a wonderful husband who loves me and that I was able to get away from my ex before he did more serious damage to me.
NoIDidn't Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 By the time I found LS, I was at a point in my healing where the majority of the triggering and pain was behind me, even though it had been less than a year into our reconciliation (not the norm, obviously). Retelling my story, if anything, reminds me how blessed I am, and I really desire to pass that onto others. Not only did I want to do this for other BS's, but also for those OP/WS's who might benefit from the hope my experience may offer them... that there is life after an affair. This was me when I came here. I was already through most of the pain and anger. But actually what brought me here was seeing so much of myself in the OPs. The OPs have helped me much more than they know.
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