How to let go when he has become an integral part of my life...

[feverish]

I'm in a relationship that has no future but I cannot seem to break out of it. Unfortunately he is fine with me hanging around until his family chooses a wife for him (he is from India and I suppose traditional Indian male). I have tried to stay out of contact but he would seek me out and will say he really appreciates my friendship (I truly believe I am his best friend). We are in LDR and have last seen each other a year ago and no more plans to meet up.

 

We videochat on Skype everyday and keep each other informed of what goes on in our lives, work and outside of work. We have webcam sex. I have become an online FWB. He says he likes to masturbate on webcam with me (I'm assuming that he doesn't enjoy it by himself? though what does it matter...) When I cannot videochat because I'm at work he would say you can listen if you want. When he is out late he makes a point to come online and chat a little before heading off for sleep. He does invest time with me and even says he devotes so much of his time to me. I sometimes think that it's only because there is no one else yet. Same applies to me, there is no one else to replace him yet.

 

We are going on 3 years with lots of emotional highs and lows in between. The lows became more intense 6 months into the relationship when he told me he could not possibly marry me because his parents are opposed to it (I'm not Indian and I'm not Hindu and I'm way older than him). Don't I fit the 3-strikes rule to a T! 2 1/2 years later I'm still around.

 

I am rambling... I don't know if I'm seeking advice or just sharing, airing it out. I have stopped talking to friends about it because it's a unanimous decision that I should just quit this relationship (even I say that to myself). And yet I cannot seem to just let go... It must be the bonds of friendship and companionship that keep me tied to this sinking ship. It is my first real relationship and it is his as well. Of all the people in my life I talk to him the most. Cutting him out is like losing a huge part of me.

 

Even when I caught him inappropriately chatting with a female co-worker I still hang around. He made efforts to rectify that slip-up and I am at least comfortable with the idea that he really did not realize what he was doing, that he was just having fun with this lady. Though had I not discovered it I am sure it would have led to something more.

 

He gave me his FB password one time so I could view a video his friend posted. I later tried it on his Skype when he was late logging in and this lady was online and the chat history updated on my Skype. They were straying into sex talk and he was even begging to see her on cam when she said she was not dressed appropriately for webcam. I then called him and tried to ask entrapment questions and he lied to me until I revealed that I know because I logged into his Skype. Then he became defensive and called me names (sneaky being one of them, even said f-you to me) then mellowed later on.

 

The next day I saw him post an apology to this lady saying that he did not mean to be inappropriate and after that he had lessen his communication with her. She has since left the company (she was only contract employee). He changed his password 4 days later. Needless to say that I trusted him less after that and even now these things play in my mind. I still zing him with this slip-up every now and then, I thought he would zing me back for being sneaky --- in this at least he acted better because he didn't. I once said to a friend it must have been providence that he just gave me his FB password 2 days prior and I discovered the evidence of his inappropriate chat. My friend said and what do you think providence was hinting at you? I was shamefaced and speechless.

 

Thanks for reading.

[feverish]

I would welcome comments from anyone, subjective or objective or somewhere in between.

[PegNosePete]

Ditch the cheating tosser. Begin NC immediately.

[b_rouse]

Either way, the relationship is going to end. The sooner, the better. There's no benefit to hanging on, you're merely procrastinating and delaying the inevitable. The longer you stay stuck in a dead-end relationship, the less time you get on this planet to experience a great one!

[feverish]

Yes, started NC again. 2nd day over... One day at a time.