Because he is gone --

[steelknife]

I never went away. i have been here lurking and reading all the recent posts. at the same time, trying so hard to heal. i understand all the pain all the posters post here in LS. and i come to realized that there are cases worst than mine...

 

it has been 2 months since dday. xmm threw me under the bus and has since then come and gone in my life. I never realized it until two weeks ago, considering the myriad of emotions i went through, that i was still in denial.. deep inside me, i still believed that xmm would come back to me. i know one thing though; ill never allow him to hurt me that way again.

 

each time he calls. about every two weeks, i would be so hard. so protective of myself and my feelings. i still love him. i miss him. but i do know that i will never allow myself to be hurt. and i will never open myself so he can come in and stab my very wounded and bleeding heart.

 

moving on is never easy. i am trying so hard. NC is the best way and i am proud of myself. i never call him, i never got used to it since he always does the running after. my feelings is just up to "missing", i dont put it in action no matter how hard or desperate i get. my onlye weakeness is when i hear him. and i try so hard not to pick up my home phone. over the 60 days since dday, it is he who always call me. and although i listen to him and what he has to say, ive never allowed myself to trust him again. he cried about how much he misses me. and all that we have. all the music we shared and the things he has that has come from me. and although he never once said he wants me back- i am glad to know the struggle isnt just for me. he is struggling as well...

 

truth be told, i do undestand the decision he made. the only thing i quesiton now is where i really stood in his life. i dont understand why i cant get angry at him. im not. honest. there was this one day, the 62nd day. when i got this urge to call the bs and tell her he has been bugging me. it was like 2 days straight that he calls and tell me how much he misses me. i never replied. i just felt taht he was like leading me on. and if i bite, he would cut me off mid air and most of the time, i am right. the pain of that is too much i dont wanna allow myself to believe anythign he has to say...its just not fair.when he misses me he texts or call. but when i miss him, i hold my breath?

 

when i got this terrible anger urge to call the BS. so many things happened that i ended up not calling. it was a sign not to; i guess it saved me from being stupid. who know how the bs will take it. what right do i have? but during that anger stage, i wanted to tell her to tell him to stop calling me... but fate intervened. and the call never went through. but the time it did, i realized, i dont know what to say....

 

i still miss him. i do. i still think of him all the time. i am very surprised i am not as angry as i should be. i should be angry. but im not. i know one thing though, i never want to go back to him.and even if i do, itll only be his family or me. and as far as i can see, he wouldnt budge. he already made a choice.

 

sometimes i wonder if he did really love me. many things pointing out now to he did. i believe him, he did. too bad he just didnt have enough strngth to stand up for me and the affair. and truthfully, i dont blame him. in our custom, sometimes, we stay in our marriage, even if it means being unhappy all our lives.(the bs said this to me when i asked if she can ever forgive xmm) for our kids to grow in a somewhat complete family.

although i dont personally believe in that, he did. his bs did.

 

where am i now? i firmly beleive i am moving on. for the first 3 weeks, i felt my whole world shattered and ive come to slowly realzied that the world doesnt stop in my feet. it goes on. and on and on and somehow, we jsut have to accept things. his calls still affects me. i get this urge to hug him tight but i never said it out loud. he would cry and tell me how much he misses me, call and text and ask why i blocked him in my cp, or why i deleted my fb he cant see me or my photos anymore. but i believe, if there is really soemthing important he has to tell me, he will find a way to come and see me. he has not so far. as the case maybe, i just have to accept that even if he did love me, there is only so much he can give me. and he has arrived at taht demarcation line.

 

he has decided to stand up for his decision. and he breaks down trying to man up to it. but i know he is trying his best to be a good father and a husband. who am i to stand up against taht? i know i will never be his friend. i know am so bitter ill never speak to him again. but at this point, my focus is to heal myself. there is no point going over what happened and where i fell short or where he fell short. it is over. the decision has been made..it is over.

 

to all the LS posters and advisers. i thank you. i truly truly got strength from all your insights..

 

ive learned a valuable lesson. my final question is, considering how much i love xmm and how much love i believed he shared with me, and considering that i have accepted it in me that it is truly over, will i ever truly get over xmm? and when? when will i forgive him and myself?

Edited December 17, 2010 by steelknife

[whichwayisup]

You are strong and brave... And, reading your post, the anger IS inside of you..I think you're afraid of letting it out, getting really angry at him.

 

It takes time and the stages will happen as life goes on for you.

 

Start by forgiving yourself. Acceptance and forgiveness will help you on to the healing path.

[siuys]

my final question is, considering how much i love xmm and how much love i believed he shared with me, and considering that i have accepted it in me that it is truly over, will i ever truly get over xmm? and when? when will i forgive him and myself?

 

Hugs. It's a good question. One that I ask myself every day. But even with acceptance you still wobble. One day you completely accept, other days you are not so sure. I think that's only normal in the early days. I think once you can make a committed decision for yourself, then you can truly move on. Once you know in your heart, and not live in denial, then you can move on. That no matter how much it hurts, it is a lie at the end of the day. No matter how much he misses you, his actions are telling you his choice. I couldn't do what you do. I couldn't pick up the phone, speak to him, with his situation unchanged. I think I will lose all respect for him. I think in time, you will get over him. All the best....

[half_ofa_heart]

Hugs. It's a good question. One that I ask myself every day. But even with acceptance you still wobble. One day you completely accept, other days you are not so sure. I think that's only normal in the early days. I think once you can make a committed decision for yourself, then you can truly move on. Once you know in your heart, and not live in denial, then you can move on. That no matter how much it hurts, it is a lie at the end of the day. No matter how much he misses you, his actions are telling you his choice. I couldn't do what you do. I couldn't pick up the phone, speak to him, with his situation unchanged. I think I will lose all respect for him. I think in time, you will get over him. All the best....

 

Great advice Siuys!

 

Steel... Your posts were one of the first that I read on LS and my heart goes out to you. I tried to follow yours mostly because it was so familiar. I used you as my strength in the beginning. I believe that an A is very much like an addiction and is something that even though we make a choice to not live IN it day in and day out, it will forever be with us. Both the Love and the Pain were so intense that it is something that just cannot be forgotten. I also believe that we need accept it and learn to deal with it all and it sounds like you are doing a splendid job. As always, you are an inspiration. Thanks for sharing your experiences and giving us the strength to fight our own individual battles.

 

HUGS!

[Owl]

Steelknife, I'd like to suggest one thing.

 

You know he's going to initiate contact again...and you've made so much progress in the last few weeks...which you know will be set back when he contacts you. So please, take some action to prevent that set back.

 

Block him. Remove him from you email/IM/phone, block any incoming calls/texts/emails/etc... from him. Don't let him set you back again.

 

Take charge and ownership of your feelings and your life, rather than let him just come in and trounce them whenever he gets the itch. Please.

[Confused4Now]

Hugs. It's a good question. One that I ask myself every day. But even with acceptance you still wobble. One day you completely accept, other days you are not so sure. I think that's only normal in the early days. I think once you can make a committed decision for yourself, then you can truly move on. Once you know in your heart, and not live in denial, then you can move on. That no matter how much it hurts, it is a lie at the end of the day. No matter how much he misses you, his actions are telling you his choice. I couldn't do what you do. I couldn't pick up the phone, speak to him, with his situation unchanged. I think I will lose all respect for him. I think in time, you will get over him. All the best....

You have done well....grasshopper!!!

[BB07]

steelknife...........I don't doubt that your xmm does miss you and he very well may have truly loved you, but feelings are not much without actions and him using his feelings for you to intrude upon your life is selfish.

As owl suggested..........block him out. His continued contact is not in your best interest.

 

You've come so far.........be proud of yourself and continue on with your journey.

[steelknife]

Steelknife, I'd like to suggest one thing.

 

You know he's going to initiate contact again...and you've made so much progress in the last few weeks...which you know will be set back when he contacts you. So please, take some action to prevent that set back.

 

Block him. Remove him from you email/IM/phone, block any incoming calls/texts/emails/etc... from him. Don't let him set you back again.

 

Take charge and ownership of your feelings and your life, rather than let him just come in and trounce them whenever he gets the itch. Please.

 

i know exactly what you mean owl. and i will do that. i will. thank you for your advice. ive come to realzied the kind of person he really is. he wants everything!! and for a while he had it. the pain he caused me will never allow me to let him do that again..

 

some night he would text me; at 11pm or 4am. how much he misses me with sad face.or that he is alone and bs is at work. he cant sleep he keeps thnking of me. how he wish he could hug me. i never replied. but i get this stupid satisfaction. i allow myself that; to know that he is struggling and serves him right. i know he made the right decision. i cant blame him-in fact i totally understand him. if he was not a good husband, i couldnt fault his as a father.

 

i realized, i will not be able to live with a man like him. you know? the kind you always watch out for? the one you cant trust? the one you always question waht he says? i guess i accepted things and the way it ended bec i know, no matter how great my love for him was. i, too, knew my limit. having said that, that time, it didnt hamper at all my capacity to love him or give to him all my feelings. that time i guess, i never realized how hurtful it was for me to be in a relationship that was so untrusting.

 

i wish i can be angry. really damned angry but am not. how do we get really angry when a person has wronged us? i wish i can..but i dunno. im not angry at him. my feeligns of dissappointment are stronger. im not angry we ended. i am disppointed it ended that way. i felt that, considering what i thought was our feelings for each other, and he to me, i just thought that he woudl stand up for me and tell the bs, he owes it to me to end properly. after all, i was not a comic cartoon in his life. but anyway, i came to realized, he totally denied me to his bs. i dunno what he said to save his ass. but ive come to the realization that he said i was a nothing. a "no one", a fling. that the fling is now over.

 

i am unhappy. there is this hollow deep inside my heart where he and the pain he caused me used to be. i will heal. in time. i dont have to forgive him for now. i need to forgive myself first.

 

i try very hard to avoid him and his family in all the possible places i might see them. i cant handle it. and i cant imagine looking at him, and feeling all the pain again.

[pureinheart]

I never went away. i have been here lurking and reading all the recent posts. at the same time, trying so hard to heal. i understand all the pain all the posters post here in LS. and i come to realized that there are cases worst than mine...

 

it has been 2 months since dday. xmm threw me under the bus and has since then come and gone in my life. I never realized it until two weeks ago, considering the myriad of emotions i went through, that i was still in denial.. deep inside me, i still believed that xmm would come back to me. i know one thing though; ill never allow him to hurt me that way again.

 

each time he calls. about every two weeks, i would be so hard. so protective of myself and my feelings. i still love him. i miss him. but i do know that i will never allow myself to be hurt. and i will never open myself so he can come in and stab my very wounded and bleeding heart.

 

moving on is never easy. i am trying so hard. NC is the best way and i am proud of myself. i never call him, i never got used to it since he always does the running after. my feelings is just up to "missing", i dont put it in action no matter how hard or desperate i get. my onlye weakeness is when i hear him. and i try so hard not to pick up my home phone. over the 60 days since dday, it is he who always call me. and although i listen to him and what he has to say, ive never allowed myself to trust him again. he cried about how much he misses me. and all that we have. all the music we shared and the things he has that has come from me. and although he never once said he wants me back- i am glad to know the struggle isnt just for me. he is struggling as well...

 

truth be told, i do undestand the decision he made. the only thing i quesiton now is where i really stood in his life. i dont understand why i cant get angry at him. im not. honest. there was this one day, the 62nd day. when i got this urge to call the bs and tell her he has been bugging me. it was like 2 days straight that he calls and tell me how much he misses me. i never replied. i just felt taht he was like leading me on. and if i bite, he would cut me off mid air and most of the time, i am right. the pain of that is too much i dont wanna allow myself to believe anythign he has to say...its just not fair.when he misses me he texts or call. but when i miss him, i hold my breath?

 

when i got this terrible anger urge to call the BS. so many things happened that i ended up not calling. it was a sign not to; i guess it saved me from being stupid. who know how the bs will take it. what right do i have? but during that anger stage, i wanted to tell her to tell him to stop calling me... but fate intervened. and the call never went through. but the time it did, i realized, i dont know what to say....

 

i still miss him. i do. i still think of him all the time. i am very surprised i am not as angry as i should be. i should be angry. but im not. i know one thing though, i never want to go back to him.and even if i do, itll only be his family or me. and as far as i can see, he wouldnt budge. he already made a choice.

 

sometimes i wonder if he did really love me. many things pointing out now to he did. i believe him, he did. too bad he just didnt have enough strngth to stand up for me and the affair. and truthfully, i dont blame him. in our custom, sometimes, we stay in our marriage, even if it means being unhappy all our lives.(the bs said this to me when i asked if she can ever forgive xmm) for our kids to grow in a somewhat complete family.

although i dont personally believe in that, he did. his bs did.

 

where am i now? i firmly beleive i am moving on. for the first 3 weeks, i felt my whole world shattered and ive come to slowly realzied that the world doesnt stop in my feet. it goes on. and on and on and somehow, we jsut have to accept things. his calls still affects me. i get this urge to hug him tight but i never said it out loud. he would cry and tell me how much he misses me, call and text and ask why i blocked him in my cp, or why i deleted my fb he cant see me or my photos anymore. but i believe, if there is really soemthing important he has to tell me, he will find a way to come and see me. he has not so far. as the case maybe, i just have to accept that even if he did love me, there is only so much he can give me. and he has arrived at taht demarcation line.

 

he has decided to stand up for his decision. and he breaks down trying to man up to it. but i know he is trying his best to be a good father and a husband. who am i to stand up against taht? i know i will never be his friend. i know am so bitter ill never speak to him again. but at this point, my focus is to heal myself. there is no point going over what happened and where i fell short or where he fell short. it is over. the decision has been made..it is over.

 

to all the LS posters and advisers. i thank you. i truly truly got strength from all your insights..

 

ive learned a valuable lesson. my final question is, considering how much i love xmm and how much love i believed he shared with me, and considering that i have accepted it in me that it is truly over, will i ever truly get over xmm? and when? when will i forgive him and myself?

 

Hi SK,

 

Well, there are books of "how to" deal with grief, although IMO you don't have to be anrgy.

 

What really makes me mad though are those that do not respect the NC from the person that initiated it, ESPECIALLY in cases such as these.

 

I communicated to exDM, "leave me the F alone after he blew up my phone at home and work...actually he was jeapordising my job because I didn't have my 90 days in at that co yet.

 

ExDM KNEW the reason I went NC, and knew what I would need to break it. One thing people forget at times is, "what are MY needs, wants and desires" We get so busy in trying to please others that we loose US.

 

The thing I am observing in myself with R that didn't go full circle is, that there seems to be unfinished business...how to finish that "business" is up to the individual...for me, it is recognising the unfinished business period, nothing at all specific, just the awareness.

 

I am right there with you...even though he is D'ed now I still went NC again, for reasons that I am unable to communicate here, he did something that is a deal breaker and that reinforced and caused me to come to grips with the fact that he will never commit, possibly to no one.

 

I hope it gets better for you fast...((((((((hugs))))))))

[Confused4Now]

Hi SK,

 

Well, there are books of "how to" deal with grief, although IMO you don't have to be anrgy.

 

What really makes me mad though are those that do not respect the NC from the person that initiated it, ESPECIALLY in cases such as these.

 

I communicated to exDM, "leave me the F alone after he blew up my phone at home and work...actually he was jeopardizing my job because I didn't have my 90 days in at that co yet.

 

ExDM KNEW the reason I went NC, and knew what I would need to break it. One thing people forget at times is, "what are MY needs, wants and desires" We get so busy in trying to please others that we lose US.

 

The thing I am observing in myself with R that didn't go full circle is, that there seems to be unfinished business...how to finish that "business" is up to the individual...for me, it is recognizing the unfinished business period, nothing at all specific, just the awareness.

 

I am right there with you...even though he is D'ed now I still went NC again, for reasons that I am unable to communicate here, he did something that is a deal breaker and that reinforced and caused me to come to grips with the fact that he will never commit, possibly to no one.

I hope it gets better for you fast...((((((((hugs))))))))

Good post PIH....this is exactly where I am at. Even though in the past I would respond to my xMW contacts I've eliminated so much now that its not worth even going there.

 

I do believe after D-day 2 years ago when the dust settled...she went right back into her world...and the more LC/NC I initiated...its clear the pull I had early on is not as strong anymore. So you can say the chemicals of the affair are finally going away. So in time you see there is no real catalyst for them to get out of their situation. We'd all like to think we were but some do leave and some don't. OH WELL

[steelknife]

Good post PIH....this is exactly where I am at. Even though in the past I would respond to my xMW contacts I've eliminated so much now that its not worth even going there.

 

I do believe after D-day 2 years ago when the dust settled...she went right back into her world...and the more LC/NC I initiated...its clear the pull I had early on is not as strong anymore. So you can say the chemicals of the affair are finally going away. So in time you see there is no real catalyst for them to get out of their situation. We'd all like to think we were but some do leave and some don't. OH WELL

 

i know that if i respond, i would only succeed in opening myself up for another deluded expectation and hope. which i know for a fact only exists in my mind. i told him not to contact me anymore. and his texts really doesnt require me to answer. he is just letting me know the struggle he is going through- but i dont wanna know. and truth for that matter, i dont care anymore. i gave him more than enough time. and there is just no more sense in all of this. it is futile.

 

i dont know if ill get over this -my feelings are not exactly the ones anymore right after dday. ive already come to accept that it is truly over. and i am working on letting it go. i still love him, despite the complete turn around he did. if i doubted at first about his feelings for me, now i dont anymore. i know deep in my heart he truly did love me. maybe not as much as his family or enough to stand up for me, but he loved me.

 

and even if he picks up with bs where he left of.. im alright now. ive accepted the fact that i need to move on, i intruded ontheir marriage. it is just too bad things are the way it is. i have to set myself free. he went right back to his life and i have to move on with mine. if he has regrets, it is because maybe, he knew how much he hurt me.

 

acceptance is when you know some things can never be. xmm knew how much i love him. it is just too bad it has to end this way.

[spice4life]

i know exactly what you mean owl. and i will do that. i will. thank you for your advice. ive come to realzied the kind of person he really is. he wants everything!! and for a while he had it. the pain he caused me will never allow me to let him do that again..

 

some night he would text me; at 11pm or 4am. how much he misses me with sad face.or that he is alone and bs is at work. he cant sleep he keeps thnking of me. how he wish he could hug me. i never replied. but i get this stupid satisfaction. i allow myself that; to know that he is struggling and serves him right. i know he made the right decision. i cant blame him-in fact i totally understand him. if he was not a good husband, i couldnt fault his as a father.

 

i realized, i will not be able to live with a man like him. you know? the kind you always watch out for? the one you cant trust? the one you always question waht he says? i guess i accepted things and the way it ended bec i know, no matter how great my love for him was. i, too, knew my limit. having said that, that time, it didnt hamper at all my capacity to love him or give to him all my feelings. that time i guess, i never realized how hurtful it was for me to be in a relationship that was so untrusting.

 

i wish i can be angry. really damned angry but am not. how do we get really angry when a person has wronged us? i wish i can..but i dunno. im not angry at him. my feeligns of dissappointment are stronger. im not angry we ended. i am disppointed it ended that way. i felt that, considering what i thought was our feelings for each other, and he to me, i just thought that he woudl stand up for me and tell the bs, he owes it to me to end properly. after all, i was not a comic cartoon in his life. but anyway, i came to realized, he totally denied me to his bs. i dunno what he said to save his ass. but ive come to the realization that he said i was a nothing. a "no one", a fling. that the fling is now over.

 

i am unhappy. there is this hollow deep inside my heart where he and the pain he caused me used to be. i will heal. in time. i dont have to forgive him for now. i need to forgive myself first.

 

i try very hard to avoid him and his family in all the possible places i might see them. i cant handle it. and i cant imagine looking at him, and feeling all the pain again.

 

First let me say Steelknife, you are awesome! Such an inspiration.

 

I would also like to say that I've learned a lot about anger recently and it isn't always about "da*ning the person or wanting to hurt them." Sometimes anger expresses itself through motivation, much like what you are doing at this very moment. I've also learned that using anger to motivate yourself is the healthiest expression for anger. You are motivated to never let him hurt you in this way again and it shows in your posts and in your actions. So don't kid yourself, I think you are expressing your anger by being motivated to stick to YOUR choice of never allowing him to hurt you like that again and by staying focused on what's healthy for you. So just because you don't feel like running him over with a Mack truck doesn't mean you aren't expressing your anger. Your "pure" motivation to get through this is in itself a true expression of the anger.

[fooled once]

I never went away. i have been here lurking and reading all the recent posts. at the same time, trying so hard to heal. i understand all the pain all the posters post here in LS. and i come to realized that there are cases worst than mine...

 

it has been 2 months since dday. xmm threw me under the bus and has since then come and gone in my life. I never realized it until two weeks ago, considering the myriad of emotions i went through, that i was still in denial.. deep inside me, i still believed that xmm would come back to me. i know one thing though; ill never allow him to hurt me that way again.

 

each time he calls. about every two weeks, i would be so hard. so protective of myself and my feelings. i still love him. i miss him. but i do know that i will never allow myself to be hurt. and i will never open myself so he can come in and stab my very wounded and bleeding heart.

 

moving on is never easy. i am trying so hard. NC is the best way and i am proud of myself. i never call him, i never got used to it since he always does the running after. my feelings is just up to "missing", i dont put it in action no matter how hard or desperate i get. my onlye weakeness is when i hear him. and i try so hard not to pick up my home phone. over the 60 days since dday, it is he who always call me. and although i listen to him and what he has to say, ive never allowed myself to trust him again. he cried about how much he misses me. and all that we have. all the music we shared and the things he has that has come from me. and although he never once said he wants me back- i am glad to know the struggle isnt just for me. he is struggling as well...

 

truth be told, i do undestand the decision he made. the only thing i quesiton now is where i really stood in his life. i dont understand why i cant get angry at him. im not. honest. there was this one day, the 62nd day. when i got this urge to call the bs and tell her he has been bugging me. it was like 2 days straight that he calls and tell me how much he misses me. i never replied. i just felt taht he was like leading me on. and if i bite, he would cut me off mid air and most of the time, i am right. the pain of that is too much i dont wanna allow myself to believe anythign he has to say...its just not fair.when he misses me he texts or call. but when i miss him, i hold my breath?

 

when i got this terrible anger urge to call the BS. so many things happened that i ended up not calling. it was a sign not to; i guess it saved me from being stupid. who know how the bs will take it. what right do i have? but during that anger stage, i wanted to tell her to tell him to stop calling me... but fate intervened. and the call never went through. but the time it did, i realized, i dont know what to say....

 

i still miss him. i do. i still think of him all the time. i am very surprised i am not as angry as i should be. i should be angry. but im not. i know one thing though, i never want to go back to him.and even if i do, itll only be his family or me. and as far as i can see, he wouldnt budge. he already made a choice.

 

sometimes i wonder if he did really love me. many things pointing out now to he did. i believe him, he did. too bad he just didnt have enough strngth to stand up for me and the affair. and truthfully, i dont blame him. in our custom, sometimes, we stay in our marriage, even if it means being unhappy all our lives.(the bs said this to me when i asked if she can ever forgive xmm) for our kids to grow in a somewhat complete family.

although i dont personally believe in that, he did. his bs did.

 

where am i now? i firmly beleive i am moving on. for the first 3 weeks, i felt my whole world shattered and ive come to slowly realzied that the world doesnt stop in my feet. it goes on. and on and on and somehow, we jsut have to accept things. his calls still affects me. i get this urge to hug him tight but i never said it out loud. he would cry and tell me how much he misses me, call and text and ask why i blocked him in my cp, or why i deleted my fb he cant see me or my photos anymore. but i believe, if there is really soemthing important he has to tell me, he will find a way to come and see me. he has not so far. as the case maybe, i just have to accept that even if he did love me, there is only so much he can give me. and he has arrived at taht demarcation line.

 

he has decided to stand up for his decision. and he breaks down trying to man up to it. but i know he is trying his best to be a good father and a husband. who am i to stand up against taht? i know i will never be his friend. i know am so bitter ill never speak to him again. but at this point, my focus is to heal myself. there is no point going over what happened and where i fell short or where he fell short. it is over. the decision has been made..it is over.

 

to all the LS posters and advisers. i thank you. i truly truly got strength from all your insights..

 

ive learned a valuable lesson. my final question is, considering how much i love xmm and how much love i believed he shared with me, and considering that i have accepted it in me that it is truly over, will i ever truly get over xmm? and when? when will i forgive him and myself?

 

No one can answer those questions. Each situation is different.

 

You have to let go. I don't think you really love him because you aren't seeing him for the true man he is. You wouldn't love someone who could so easily hurt and betray you. I also don't think he truly loved you - because if he did, dday would have been the time for him to man up and tell his wife he loved you and wanted to be with you - or at the very least, he wanted to separate. But he didn't do that.

 

If that is what you consider love, then our definitions differ greatly.

 

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 

The above is love to me.

[steelknife]

First let me say Steelknife, you are awesome! Such an inspiration.

 

I would also like to say that I've learned a lot about anger recently and it isn't always about "da*ning the person or wanting to hurt them." Sometimes anger expresses itself through motivation, much like what you are doing at this very moment. I've also learned that using anger to YOUR choice for you. So just because you don't feel like running him over with a Mack truck doesn't mean you aren't expressing your anger. Your "pure" motivation to get through this is in itself a true expression of the anger.

 

i would want to be angry. very angry. to equate the hurt feelings he gave me. but im not. i thought i was.

 

but there was this one time though, at work, i jsut got this so angry feelings that i wanted to talk to the bs. it was a day after he texted me about 11pm the previous night telling me how much he misses me and wish he can hug me and blah blah. i felt so angry that with out thinking, i rang his home knowing he will be at work. but he picked it up, i wasnt sure it was him but i felt it was him, i was so suprised because i knew he would be working. i hanged up. i ranged his work and ask if he is on, lo and behold, when it wasnt like that before, i suddenly spoke to someone who said they dont give out that info for the staff privacy thingy and that i wont be able to speak to him bec at this very moment, they are very busy and swamped. what the ..? anyway, i never got to confirm if he was home or not. i didnt call anymore his home or work. but i kinda got out of that very anger dazed. enough not to pursue the call. i realzied, i was saved from embarassing myself, waht was i thnking? what was i to achieve by trying to call the bs? what did i want to say?

 

i was able to not call him and maintain my side of the NC. and i almost broke it and almost made myself stupid for wanting to talk to the bs. what right do i have?!! i just dunno what came over me...

[spice4life]

i would want to be angry. very angry. to equate the hurt feelings he gave me. but im not. i thought i was.

 

but there was this one time though, at work, i jsut got this so angry feelings that i wanted to talk to the bs. it was a day after he texted me about 11pm the previous night telling me how much he misses me and wish he can hug me and blah blah. i felt so angry that with out thinking, i rang his home knowing he will be at work. but he picked it up, i wasnt sure it was him but i felt it was him, i was so suprised because i knew he would be working. i hanged up. i ranged his work and ask if he is on, lo and behold, when it wasnt like that before, i suddenly spoke to someone who said they dont give out that info for the staff privacy thingy and that i wont be able to speak to him bec at this very moment, they are very busy and swamped. what the ..? anyway, i never got to confirm if he was home or not. i didnt call anymore his home or work. but i kinda got out of that very anger dazed. enough not to pursue the call. i realzied, i was saved from embarassing myself, waht was i thnking? what was i to achieve by trying to call the bs? what did i want to say?

 

i was able to not call him and maintain my side of the NC. and i almost broke it and almost made myself stupid for wanting to talk to the bs. what right do i have?!! i just dunno what came over me...

 

You got "angrier" because he was trying to throw a hurdle onto your path of healing. So you got tired of it and wanted to put a stop to it once and for all by calling his wife. That's justified anger...for sure. The universe was looking out for you because you are on the right path for you, so it interceded upon your behalf. And the best part about it is that you recognized it....that's fantastic. Now, like owl said, there are ways to prevent this from happening in the future. In a way, as you said yourself, him contacting you is reinforcing your will to stay motivated not to go down the affair path with him again. I think you are getting close to cutting him off completely and once that happens there will be no stopping you from finally moving on. Just stay strong and don't let his attempts weaken your will in any way!

Edited December 18, 2010 by spice4life

[pureinheart]

Good post PIH....this is exactly where I am at. Even though in the past I would respond to my xMW contacts I've eliminated so much now that its not worth even going there.

 

I do believe after D-day 2 years ago when the dust settled...she went right back into her world...and the more LC/NC I initiated...its clear the pull I had early on is not as strong anymore. So you can say the chemicals of the affair are finally going away. So in time you see there is no real catalyst for them to get out of their situation. We'd all like to think we were but some do leave and some don't. OH WELL

 

Yep, well said! For me it became exactly like the movie "Ground Hog Day", the same situation repeating itself day after day, with nothing changing. I need commitment.

 

When you are happier without a person than with, then it is time to roll:)...I do still hurt a bit, but am so busy that I don't have much time to dwell on it...I'm glad you are doing well Confused No More:)

[steelknife]

No one can answer those questions. Each situation is different.

 

You have to let go. I don't think you really love him because you aren't seeing him for the true man he is. You wouldn't love someone who could so easily hurt and betray you. I also don't think he truly loved you - because if he did, dday would have been the time for him to man up and tell his wife he loved you and wanted to be with you - or at the very least, he wanted to separate. But he didn't do that.

 

If that is what you consider love, then our definitions differ greatly.

 

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 

The above is love to me.

 

fooled once, i thank you for your comment. there is no question; i do love him. what kind of love, that i cant answer. that is why he hurt me, bec i allowed him. only people who you trust enough not to hurt you, will be able to hurt someone the way he did to me..

 

his love for me, welll. that is debatable. leaving his family, might be one of, but not the ONLY reason to prove that. i am not standing up for the man who almost killed me and peeled me alive. he hurt me beyond words. at this very moment, i do have doubts bout his true feelings for me, but at times, i do believe he did love me. just not enough to stand up for me.

 

it has been 70 days or more since dday. and it have gone through a lot of emotions. lately, it is of asking and trying to make myself understand what has happened to me. i still couldnt accept the fact that he left me just like that, i could never connect that to the person who was my AP. but i would like to say i am near acceptance. and i take as much blame, even if he did lure me, i was into it fully aware, conscious and coherent.

 

these days, i still thnk of him. i miss him. and ill never break NC. i know myself, and he knows me. even if it hurt so much in the past, i never was the first to call him. more so now. maybe one day, i will come to regret this affair and the pain it has brought me. true, ii reckon it will teach me valuable lessons, but i thnk, it is lessons i can learn elsewhere , not necessarily being the OW. and hurt and trampled. humiliated and forgotten.

 

funny how things has turned out. it there is one thing i can definetly say, it is that he doenst have the guts to stand up for me, totally different from the person i thought i knew. and all those lies..now that i dont turn away. and they are all coming back. oh how it hurts. and i dont understand how i was able to put up with it.

 

ive totally blocked him from my life, no fb, no phone. no mob. no nothing. i dont want anymore to know what he is doing with his family and wife and kids or where they go. i dont want to see. and all those questions i ask, i still do. but what for? will the answers matter really? before i changed my number i still get him texting me at dawn telling me he misses me. but what for? it was texts that didnt require a reply. he miss me alright.. but wahts the point?

 

i am way past the initial pain. i still hurt. but i am going through so many realizations. and it is picking my insides apart. im trying so hard to cope. and i realize that my life with him has ended. there is nothing anymore there for us. i need to protect myself. and keep for myself what little dignity and sanity has been left.

 

i thank this forum and all the posters. all your experiences. i have not healed. but you all have helped me.

[East7]

 

 

sometimes i wonder if he did really love me. many things pointing out now to he did. i believe him, he did. too bad he just didnt have enough strngth to stand up for me and the affair. and truthfully, i dont blame him. in our custom, sometimes, we stay in our marriage, even if it means being unhappy all our lives.(the bs said this to me when i asked if she can ever forgive xmm) for our kids to grow in a somewhat complete family.

although i dont personally believe in that, he did. his bs did.

 

 

If he really loved you with the definition of what a decent love is, he would have wanted to be with you no matter what. Of course it causes to hurt someone, there is no A when someone is not hurt ! But at least he would have the decency to set his wife free to have someone else that would love only her.

Having an OW is not real love, it is just selfishness, wanting the best of both worlds.

 

 

but i believe, if there is really something important he has to tell me, he will find a way to come and see me. he has not so far. as the case maybe, i just have to accept that even if he did love me, there is only so much he can give me. and he has arrived at taht demarcation line.

 

That is not accepting the reality. Why would you want him back ? Didn't he showed you who he is ? Is he trustworthy? Can you trust him again ? Even if he comes to you, you'll not be able to trust him again and love can't exist without integrity and trust.

 

he has decided to stand up for his decision. and he breaks down trying to man up to it. but i know he is trying his best to be a good father and a husband. who am i to stand up against taht? ..... it is over. the decision has been made..it is over.

 

Why we OM/OW always are indulgent, understanding and forgiving ?.. Bottom-line is if he really was a good husband, he would never mess with another woman ! Let the forgiveness to his wife, you don't own him anything.

[steelknife]

If he really loved you with the definition of what a decent love is, he would have wanted to be with you no matter what. Of course it causes to hurt someone, there is no A when someone is not hurt !Having an OW is not real love, it is just selfishness, wanting the best of both worlds.

 

That is not accepting the reality. Why would you want him back ? Didn't he showed you who he is ? Is he trustworthy? Can you trust him again ? Even if he comes to you, you'll not be able to trust him again and love can't exist without integrity and trust.

Why we OM/OW always are indulgent, understanding and forgiving ?.. Bottom-line is if he really was a good husband, he would never mess with another woman ! Let the forgiveness to his wife, you don't own him anything.

 

i thnk youve pointed out many important factors east. when i was in the affairfog. i would never look at it the way youre poiinting it out to me. but really, you struck a chord.

 

with what he did to me. i shouldnt be forgiving. he did the unthnkable and where is he now? but i am not forgiving. i have this hatred inside me that i am coming into terms to accept into my life.. to live with it and let go to be able to move on.

 

it sucks east. thats the truth..it makes me look at things differently and forces me to realize many unspoken and unacceptable truth. the truth will eventually creep on me. this is a very long and eventful journey. and i never thought id see the day where i will regret the affair and meeting him. but i see it coming round the bend, it wasnt worth it.

[East7]

i thnk youve pointed out many important factors east. when i was in the affairfog. i would never look at it the way youre poiinting it out to me. but really, you struck a chord.

 

with what he did to me. i shouldnt be forgiving. he did the unthnkable and where is he now? but i am not forgiving. i have this hatred inside me that i am coming into terms to accept into my life.. to live with it and let go to be able to move on.

 

it sucks east. thats the truth..it makes me look at things differently and forces me to realize many unspoken and unacceptable truth. the truth will eventually creep on me. this is a very long and eventful journey. and i never thought id see the day where i will regret the affair and meeting him. but i see it coming round the bend, it wasnt worth it.

 

I know exactly how it feels, because I have been myself in the range of feelings going from painful love to hate and vice-versa.

 

The worst of all is betrayal ! Is feeling having been used, misled, taken for a ride ! That's the worst.

Going back to someone they have cheated shows how poor integrity they had, how messed up they are, how love for them means nothing but fling. When I love someone I give my whole world, I want to share my life with that person. The A felt like I have sold my heart so cheap...

 

I don't mean to push you to hatred. That's completely useless. Forgiving him is forgetting him, is not giving a damn anymore, is about YOU moving on with your life.

Don't expect your feelings to go away overnight, but they will vanish little by little and your deception will open your eyes and prepare you for your next love. I have learned from my experience and I'm sure you have learned too, you know what loving someone involves and how real love looks like.

 

When you look at things differently, the things you look at change