Judgements based on guesses

[SoMovinOn]

Come on people. I understand there are some strong emotions here. I understand some people think the details and circumstances of their affair, or their spouses, are the only way an affair is defined.

 

It's not always about sex.

Sometimes a spouse is aware of the affair.

 

But, whatever your opinion, at the very least, you could make some attempt to understand the situation before you go spouting off on judgmental comments which make absolutely no sense.

 

I can't tell you how many "OH!!! SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT YOUR AFFAIR!!!" comments I've gotten.

 

If you would bother to ask, you'd know she knows, everything, that she and I are splitting up. ... so, what's the point then of making useless comments suggesting otherwise?

 

It's projection.

 

Yes. My MOW is keeping our A secret from her spouse.

Yes. That's terrible.

Yes. There are better ways to do this. Right now, for us, none of them are options we'd choose.

I've been a BS - been through many D-Days.

Now I'm a mOM.

 

It is what we've chose for now as the "best" option.

 

Interjecting your opinions on A's in general, in response to an unrelated question is an excellent way to display your bitterness and anger at your own situation, but serves no useful purpose in the thread.

 

Perhaps I could save you all a bit of typing. In the future, just put BA (Bitter & Angry) in your response and I'll know you mean to say I should tell my wife (she knows), it will destroy the kids (neither of us has kids), and that affairs are terrible, evil and vile.

[scatterd]

This is a forum with many opinions you take the good with the bad not all are bitter some have been through maybe the same as you their selfs and know how affairs cause so much pain.I'm sure some are bitter and probably have been treated bad.

[hoping2heal]

OP, you are absolutely right that not every affair is defined in the same way. That doesn't mean there is no truth to some of the things that get posted here. In the same way people jump to assume you need to tell your wife and your children will be damaged, you jump to assume someone is speaking because they are a BS or have been cheated on. Not everyone has Some things (not all) are just plain obvious and you don't need to have been a BS to see it. Most of it is pure common sense.

[carrie999]

Come on people. I understand there are some strong emotions here. I understand some people think the details and circumstances of their affair, or their spouses, are the only way an affair is defined.

 

It's not always about sex.

Sometimes a spouse is aware of the affair.

 

But, whatever your opinion, at the very least, you could make some attempt to understand the situation before you go spouting off on judgmental comments which make absolutely no sense.

 

I can't tell you how many "OH!!! SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT YOUR AFFAIR!!!" comments I've gotten.

 

If you would bother to ask, you'd know she knows, everything, that she and I are splitting up. ... so, what's the point then of making useless comments suggesting otherwise?

 

It's projection.

 

Yes. My MOW is keeping our A secret from her spouse.

Yes. That's terrible.

Yes. There are better ways to do this. Right now, for us, none of them are options we'd choose.

I've been a BS - been through many D-Days.

Now I'm a mOM.

 

It is what we've chose for now as the "best" option.

 

Interjecting your opinions on A's in general, in response to an unrelated question is an excellent way to display your bitterness and anger at your own situation, but serves no useful purpose in the thread.

 

Perhaps I could save you all a bit of typing. In the future, just put BA (Bitter & Angry) in your response and I'll know you mean to say I should tell my wife (she knows), it will destroy the kids (neither of us has kids), and that affairs are terrible, evil and vile.

 

I understand your sentiments, exactly. I came here in hopes of finding clarity from others who have been in my position. For the most part, (exceptions to those who I've made it clear to that I value their honest opinions), I've dealt with more spite and anger than "tough love" or understanding.

 

I'm okay with that, and I greatly appreciate the insight some people have provided, but it's definitely frustrating that a board set up specifically for OM/OW is only slightly friendlier towards us compared to the infidelity forum, which is designed more for the BS.

[jwi71]

Sometimes a spouse is aware of the affair.

Then, personally, I wouldn't call it an A when both spouses know. I'd call it swinging. Or wife sharing.

She is simply your married GF (now, her H would likely disagree but that's another topic).

Hopefully, she'll up and file for D and you will no longer have to hide and be hidden.

But, whatever your opinion, at the very least, you could make some attempt to understand the situation before you go spouting off on judgmental comments which make absolutely no sense.

I happen to agree. However, having said that, this is a two way street which you yourself are now walking. Guessing.

 

I can't tell you how many "OH!!! SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT YOUR AFFAIR!!!" comments I've gotten.

Its actually a tool to get a WS thinking about TELLING. Typically, and yes that's a guess but one born out of many cases, the WS is busy HIDING the A. To get one thinking about telling we (or at least I) hope that slight shift of mental thinking helps. I hope what I typed makes some semblance of sense.

 

If you would bother to ask, you'd know she knows, everything, that she and I are splitting up. ... so, what's the point then of making useless comments suggesting otherwise?

Kinda like saying every "hater" is a BS? I know you get my point here.

 

However, what is interesting, is that many (most?) persons in an A ASSUME they know what their partners M is like. When, what we have, is a person who has something to gain by lying about the state of said M. Yet, those words are gospel. It seems so odd to know you are dealing with a deceitful liar yet manage to believe they tell YOU (generic you) no lies.

 

I am most interested in how persons, knowing the other is untrustworthy, trust them (and then shocked when the behaviors aimed at the BS are suddenly turned on them).

 

Yes. My MOW is keeping our A secret from her spouse.

Why?

 

Yes. That's terrible.

Why is that terrible for you?

 

Yes. There are better ways to do this.

Such as....

 

Right now, for us, none of them are options we'd choose.

We or HER?

 

Interjecting your opinions on A's in general, in response to an unrelated question is an excellent way to display your bitterness and anger at your own situation, but serves no useful purpose in the thread.

I do get your point but the first thing that popped in my mind was:

 

Why post then? Do you (generic you) not realize this is an anonymous internet forum where one might receive all sorts of replies - everything from vulgar name calling, to support, to opinions, to cheap Viagra ads?

 

It makes no sense to me to complain about replies from messages disseminated to the general public. Anyways.

[pureinheart]

Come on people. I understand there are some strong emotions here. I understand some people think the details and circumstances of their affair, or their spouses, are the only way an affair is defined.

 

It's not always about sex.

Sometimes a spouse is aware of the affair.

 

But, whatever your opinion, at the very least, you could make some attempt to understand the situation before you go spouting off on judgmental comments which make absolutely no sense.

 

I can't tell you how many "OH!!! SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT YOUR AFFAIR!!!" comments I've gotten.

 

If you would bother to ask, you'd know she knows, everything, that she and I are splitting up. ... so, what's the point then of making useless comments suggesting otherwise?

 

It's projection.

 

Yes. My MOW is keeping our A secret from her spouse.

Yes. That's terrible.

Yes. There are better ways to do this. Right now, for us, none of them are options we'd choose.

I've been a BS - been through many D-Days.

Now I'm a mOM.

 

It is what we've chose for now as the "best" option.

 

Interjecting your opinions on A's in general, in response to an unrelated question is an excellent way to display your bitterness and anger at your own situation, but serves no useful purpose in the thread.

 

Perhaps I could save you all a bit of typing. In the future, just put BA (Bitter & Angry) in your response and I'll know you mean to say I should tell my wife (she knows), it will destroy the kids (neither of us has kids), and that affairs are terrible, evil and vile.

 

I couldn't agree with you more.

 

It's your business what you do with your life, and if you come to this forum for support and explain the support you need, then I think that should be respected.

 

I've seen every word game from a to z, and had a H that was an expert at twisting and distortion, I see it all of the time on here.

 

The best thing to do is ignore it when you can...I only engage when I feel like it, although most of the time ignore it because I believe the agenda to be to throw the thread off track by placing certain supporters of A's on the defensive, and then accuse them of tj...if you'll notice their wording is very abusive.

 

Personally, I am off the opinion that if a person is in an A, it is because they want to be...it is cool to place options out there, although if the OP is not receiving it and asking for it to cease, then it should...

 

SMO, I thank you so much for this thread because I've needed a release and communicate the distortion I see....I had a "Freudian Slip" in another thread which was not meant for that poster, although it is how I feel in general.

 

I really understand your last paragraph in OP...the problem is is they do not see themselves as bitter, this is normal for them. They fuel each other in anger and sarcasm also...as you can see in most of the responses you've received.

 

My story is a FBS, FWS, and a FOW...none of these define me or who I am, or who I will be. FTR, exDM and me never had sex and his exW knew about us.

 

Your OP is very well worded, precise and clear...it's very nice to see.

[Heather1]

I'm in your boat, except for now staying m.

 

This board goes in waves. When I had 2 months of NC in feb I got a lot of support. A few of my threads were taken down because of some crazy posts that were pretty abusive towards me. Only you & OP really no the "truth" of your R. Between BS & OW on here, a guy gets on & ripped apart...for doing the SAME THING we're all doing.

 

I'm just trying to make sense of my A & where it's not heading. I'm really bummed about it actually.

[pureinheart]

Then, personally, I wouldn't call it an A when both spouses know. I'd call it swinging. Or wife sharing.

She is simply your married GF (now, her H would likely disagree but that's another topic).

Hopefully, she'll up and file for D and you will no longer have to hide and be hidden.

I happen to agree. However, having said that, this is a two way street which you yourself are now walking. Guessing.

 

Its actually a tool to get a WS thinking about TELLING. Typically, and yes that's a guess but one born out of many cases, the WS is busy HIDING the A. To get one thinking about telling we (or at least I) hope that slight shift of mental thinking helps. I hope what I typed makes some semblance of sense.

 

Kinda like saying every "hater" is a BS? I know you get my point here.

 

However, what is interesting, is that many (most?) persons in an A ASSUME they know what their partners M is like. When, what we have, is a person who has something to gain by lying about the state of said M. Yet, those words are gospel. It seems so odd to know you are dealing with a deceitful liar yet manage to believe they tell YOU (generic you) no lies.

 

I am most interested in how persons, knowing the other is untrustworthy, trust them (and then shocked when the behaviors aimed at the BS are suddenly turned on them).

 

Why?

 

Why is that terrible for you?

 

Such as....

 

We or HER?

 

I do get your point but the first thing that popped in my mind was:

 

Why post then? Do you (generic you) not realize this is an anonymous internet forum where one might receive all sorts of replies - everything from vulgar name calling, to support, to opinions, to cheap Viagra ads?

 

It makes no sense to me to complain about replies from messages disseminated to the general public. Anyways.

 

This is the typical response to give excuse to rudeness...you are never rude JW, you are genuine...although this is never acceptable IMO. The flipside to this would be why complain about A's...which you see all over these boards...

[pureinheart]

I understand your sentiments, exactly. I came here in hopes of finding clarity from others who have been in my position. For the most part, (exceptions to those who I've made it clear to that I value their honest opinions), I've dealt with more spite and anger than "tough love" or understanding.

 

I'm okay with that, and I greatly appreciate the insight some people have provided, but it's definitely frustrating that a board set up specifically for OM/OW is only slightly friendlier towards us compared to the infidelity forum, which is designed more for the BS.

 

This has been my issue, and others also. A thread was started some time ago (not sure if you remember it Carrie) that addressed this issue...it was met by statements communicating "your telling us where to post", "your telling us how to post"... these statements are unusual, because that is not what was being said and to me seemed like a way to discredit the OP and poster...it was a suggestion based on the design of the two different forums...LS did that for a reason.

[pureinheart]

Interjecting your opinions on how people should post is an excellent way to display your ignorance, but serves to show your own callous selfishness.

 

I think it is ignorant to insinuate that this poster is telling people how to post...it is a starement. Period.

[woinlove]

Come on people. I understand there are some strong emotions here. I understand some people think the details and circumstances of their affair, or their spouses, are the only way an affair is defined.

 

It's not always about sex.

Sometimes a spouse is aware of the affair.

 

But, whatever your opinion, at the very least, you could make some attempt to understand the situation before you go spouting off on judgmental comments which make absolutely no sense.

 

I can't tell you how many "OH!!! SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT YOUR AFFAIR!!!" comments I've gotten.

 

If you would bother to ask, you'd know she knows, everything, that she and I are splitting up. ... so, what's the point then of making useless comments suggesting otherwise?

 

It's projection.

 

Yes. My MOW is keeping our A secret from her spouse.

Yes. That's terrible.

Yes. There are better ways to do this. Right now, for us, none of them are options we'd choose.

I've been a BS - been through many D-Days.

Now I'm a mOM.

 

It is what we've chose for now as the "best" option.

 

Interjecting your opinions on A's in general, in response to an unrelated question is an excellent way to display your bitterness and anger at your own situation, but serves no useful purpose in the thread.

 

Perhaps I could save you all a bit of typing. In the future, just put BA (Bitter & Angry) in your response and I'll know you mean to say I should tell my wife (she knows), it will destroy the kids (neither of us has kids), and that affairs are terrible, evil and vile.

 

What brought this on? Are you referring to something recent or something from the past? The only recent thread of yours that I see is the "Where" thread and I don't think anyone said 'why don't you tell you wife' - although everyone seemed to assume your affair was hidden since you posted it in OW/OM and were looking for places other than a hotel or car to have some privacy. Why should anyone have to look up your previous posts before commenting anyway? Most of us have a bit of time to comment, we aren't here doing intensive research.

 

You toss out the bitter label, but what about overly defensive?

[Spark1111]

I never understand posts like these.

 

Do some people expect to only be agreed with, empathized with or sympathized with by anonymous posters on an internet relationship blog site?

 

Some will. Some won't. Some posters whose wives, or xwives, have had affairs, may really take you task as your MW's H does not know.

 

Surely, you can understand why they would do so. And perhaps, they will make valid points, or give you food for thought.

 

But you can always ignore what is not of value for you.

 

We can only post from our own perceptions and our own life experiences.

[herenow]

Wow, I sure hope the OP is OK, he sounds so upset.

 

I (a proud "bitter" BS) have some questions. If your MW's H should find out and become a biiter BS like me, how will you handle that? Will you tell him that he is wrong to be upset? Will you tell him that he should just be happy for you? Will you tell him that you are only doing what is best for you and he shouldn't tell you its wrong? Will you demand support for your choice to have an affair with his wife?

 

If the answers to all of the above is yes, then all I can do is wish you luck and hope that, some day, you will get over whatever it is that made you so "bitter" you felt you had to start this thread.

 

As I always have said, LS is real life. If you can't deal with the emotions of strangers on an internet forum, how would you deal with real life fallout that could happen because of your affair?

[bentnotbroken]

Me neither! Maybe it was just a vent. Hope the OP feels better.

 

What's a starement, and why do I get this visual of a cyber staredown? You know that sign people make when they point two fingers at their eyes, and then point those fingers at someone else?

Or maybe this?

 

 

OMG! that was funny as hell. :lmao:

[Snowflower]

Wow, I sure hope the OP is OK, he sounds so upset.

 

I (a proud "bitter" BS) have some questions. If your MW's H should find out and become a biiter BS like me, how will you handle that? Will you tell him that he is wrong to be upset? Will you tell him that he should just be happy for you? Will you tell him that you are only doing what is best for you and he shouldn't tell you its wrong? Will you demand support for your choice to have an affair with his wife?

 

If the answers to all of the above is yes, then all I can do is wish you luck and hope that, some day, you will get over whatever it is that made you so "bitter" you felt you had to start this thread.

 

As I always have said, LS is real life. If you can't deal with the emotions of strangers on an internet forum, how would you deal with real life fallout that could happen because of your affair?

 

Awesome, funny post!

 

I do feel sorry for the poor, dead horse though.

[BB07]

There have been so many posts lately where people are complaining about the lack of support they get and/or the support is not to their liking.

Frankly.........I just don't get it. LS is a OPEN forum, so it's a given that ANYONE can comment regardless of the type of board you are posting on. If the subject is controversial then come on........get real, do people seriously expect everyone that posts to coddle them or agree with them about it all?

 

If a poster doesn't want what they perceive as unwelcome feedback then why post here at LS? :confused:

[bentnotbroken]

There have been so many posts lately where people are complaining about the lack of support they get and/or the support is not to their liking.

Frankly.........I just don't get it. LS is a OPEN forum, so it's a given that ANYONE can comment regardless of the type of board you are posting on. If the subject is controversial then come on........get real, do people seriously expect everyone that posts to coddle them or agree with them about it all?

 

If a poster doesn't want what they perceive as unwelcome feedback then why post here at LS? :confused:

 

 

Or any where else for that matter? Public=differing opinions. It does boggle the mind on occassion.

[BB07]

Or any where else for that matter? Public=differing opinions. It does boggle the mind on occassion.

 

 

Maybe some like to play the victim card after they complain about what a non supportive place LS is.

[herenow]

Maybe some like to play the victim card after they complain about what a non supportive place LS is.

 

Funny that these type of threads don't offer anyone support.

 

When I see these, seems like daily, threads it makes me think that some people just don't like to see the reality of the pain that affairs can cause.

 

IMO, to hide that reality is not support. IMO, the only way to show support is to be honest. IMO, to ask anyone to minimize their pain is asking them to lie.

 

I would never tell anyone how to feel. That is not my place. I would never tell anyone what to post. Again, not my place.

 

People can call me bitter, angry, whatever. The way I see it, I have opened my self up to strangers on an anonymous forum. I get what I get.

 

I have no control over anyone, how they feel, what they say, or what they do. And, no one has that control over me. As long a Tony feels my posts are appropriate, I'm sorry but bitter from a BW is what you will get.

[SoMovinOn]

I am most interested in how persons, knowing the other is untrustworthy, trust them (and then shocked when the behaviors aimed at the BS are suddenly turned on them).

 

I normally wouldn't. She and I have a history. I know what she was like then. We talked a lot and spent time together before we started moving towards having an A. I am comfortable with it now only because I came to believe it's not something she would normally do. She is a very beautiful woman and has had many offers and opportunities.

 

Is it possible she is lying? that perhaps she took up all those offers, or some of them, or one of them? Yes. It's possible. ... but I am comfortable, based on other, non-related, things she's said, or done, which make me believe that is not the case.

 

I could be wrong.

 

 

SMO Quote:

Yes. My MOW is keeping our A secret from her spouse.

 

Why?

 

Because he might shoot her or respond in some other very unfavorable manner. She has had discussions with him about getting divorced, or at least splitting up, and his responses were... not good.

 

 

Why is that terrible for you?

 

It's terrible because I have been a BS and, no matter how he is to her, the correct response would be for her to leave. She *does* have that option, but is too attached to her house, her things, her friends, to give them up. She doesn't seem to realize, she will likely lose them all no matter what.

 

It's terrible for me because I am, in part, responsible for making her a wife who would cheat on her husband.

 

It's terrible for me because I don't like lying and I don't like liars. Kind of puts me at odds with myself, eh?

 

It's terrible for me because having to keep our relationship secret means we really don't get to have much of a relationship.

 

 

Such as....

 

Better ways to do this? She gets divorced, I get divorced, we date and don't worry about who knows or who sees us. We don't have to lie to anyone.

 

 

We or HER?

 

Regarding options we'd choose...

Maybe you hit a bit of a nerve with this one, but, however you slice it, my participation is only my choice, right?

 

 

It makes no sense to me to complain about replies from messages disseminated to the general public. Anyways.

 

Just as some of the replies make no sense. ; )

 

The thing is, I see it in almost every thread. Someone here could ask what everyone's favorite flavor of ice cream, and there'd be at least one response that said something like:

"My favorite flavor is DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE, DESTROY YOUR CHILDREN, LOSE YOUR HOUSE, JOB AND CAR, AND MAKE ME END UP LIVING IN MY MOTHER'S BASEMENT!!!!!!!"

 

They rant.

I rant.

 

It's all good.

[SoMovinOn]

Wow, I sure hope the OP is OK, he sounds so upset.

 

Does he?

 

I thought he sounded like he was wondering why some people feel the need to inject inane comments in unrelated threads.

 

 

If your MW's H should find out and become a biiter BS like me, how will you handle that?

 

However I need to.

 

Will you tell him that he is wrong to be upset?

 

How is he displaying being upset? Did he shoot her? Beat her? Yell? Scream? Cry? Leave? How did he and I come to be having this conversation?

 

Would I tell him, generally speaking, it's wrong to be upset that his wife cheated on him? No. Why would I tell him that.

 

However, if he asks me if I know a good place to get a beer, I'd respond either by naming a few of my favorite watering holes, or, if I have none, respond that I have none. ... but I would go into some diatribe about how he probably needs the beer because his cheating wife drove him to drinking.

 

 

Will you tell him that he should just be happy for you? Will you tell him that you are only doing what is best for you and he shouldn't tell you its wrong? Will you demand support for your choice to have an affair with his wife?

 

See? And people say there's no such thing as a stupid question. Obviously, there are many.

 

What do these questions have to do with people responding inappropriately to a thread in a support forum for OM/OW?

 

As I always have said, LS is real life. If you can't deal with the emotions of strangers on an internet forum, how would you deal with real life fallout that could happen because of your affair?

 

I'd just tell him "Hey man, I saw her first!"

[SoMovinOn]

There have been so many posts lately where people are complaining about the lack of support they get and/or the support is not to their liking.

 

Actually, my little rant had nothing to do with support, or lack of it, and everything to do with people responding appropriately to a given thread.

[SidLyon]

 

...However, if he asks me if I know a good place to get a beer, I'd respond either by naming a few of my favorite watering holes, or, if I have none, respond that I have none. ... but I would go into some diatribe about how he probably needs the beer because his cheating wife drove him to drinking.

...

 

See? And people say there's no such thing as a stupid question. Obviously, there are many.

 

 

Just WOW!!

[SoMovinOn]

Just WOW!!

 

I don't know if it changes anything for you, but what I meant to type is I *wouldn't* go into a diatribe (not that I *would*).

[fooled once]

Come on people. I understand there are some strong emotions here. I understand some people think the details and circumstances of their affair, or their spouses, are the only way an affair is defined.

 

It's not always about sex.

Sometimes a spouse is aware of the affair.

 

But, whatever your opinion, at the very least, you could make some attempt to understand the situation before you go spouting off on judgmental comments which make absolutely no sense.

 

I can't tell you how many "OH!!! SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT YOUR AFFAIR!!!" comments I've gotten.

 

If you would bother to ask, you'd know she knows, everything, that she and I are splitting up. ... so, what's the point then of making useless comments suggesting otherwise?

 

It's projection.

 

Yes. My MOW is keeping our A secret from her spouse.

Yes. That's terrible.

Yes. There are better ways to do this. Right now, for us, none of them are options we'd choose.

I've been a BS - been through many D-Days.

Now I'm a mOM.

 

It is what we've chose for now as the "best" option.

 

Interjecting your opinions on A's in general, in response to an unrelated question is an excellent way to display your bitterness and anger at your own situation, but serves no useful purpose in the thread.

 

Perhaps I could save you all a bit of typing. In the future, just put BA (Bitter & Angry) in your response and I'll know you mean to say I should tell my wife (she knows), it will destroy the kids (neither of us has kids), and that affairs are terrible, evil and vile.

 

Wow. Was this necessary? You are choosing to post on an internet forum. Why be pissed that people respond to what you write and don't spend their time here researching every single posters history? Maybe when you post, you could do a dump of where you are at.

 

And for someone who doesn't want others to be judgmental, wouldn't it be better if you set the example? Calling people Bitter and Angry and stating they are projecting?