bentnotbroken Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Is motive not relevant? For most of us NO.
Author Woggle Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 Is motive not relevant? Not really. If I am so bad that I deserve to be cheated on then she should be glad to get rid of me anyway.
bentnotbroken Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Not really. If I am so bad that I deserve to be cheated on then she should be glad to get rid of me anyway. Here, here! That's the way most of us feel Wog.
johan Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I think people take cheating too seriously. You make a commitment to be together for life, which the cheater is not necessarily breaking. But you also take away all the rest of their life and make the assumption you'll always be enough for them. All they will ever need. Even though they may not even know you that well. But all you are offering them forever is you: just you. Are you perfect? Maybe the problem is not that they decide they need more, but instead it's just your ego. Because you think you're going to fill every gap they have in their life. In the end, it shouldn't even be called "cheating". It should be called "taking care of the needs you can't take care of." Or simply "get over yourself. You can't even fulfill yourself. How do you expect to keep me fulfilled?"
bentnotbroken Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I think people take cheating too seriously. You make a commitment to be together for life, which the cheater is not necessarily breaking. But you also take away all the rest of their life and make the assumption you'll always be enough for them. All they will ever need. Even though they may not even know you that well. But all you are offering them forever is you: just you. Are you perfect? Maybe the problem is not that they decide they need more, but instead it's just your ego. Because you think you're going to fill every gap they have in their life. In the end, it shouldn't even be called "cheating". It should be called "taking care of the needs you can't take care of." Or simply "get over yourself. You can't even fulfill yourself. How do you expect to keep me fulfilled?" You're right it shouldn't be called cheating. It should be called, "mature enough to handle life's crap like an adult instead of lying, deceiving, gas lighting and exposing one to STD's and crazy AP" or better yet, "jackazzes way out".
johan Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 You're right it shouldn't be called cheating. It should be called, "mature enough to handle life's crap like an adult instead of lying, deceiving, gas lighting and exposing one to STD's and crazy AP" or better yet, "jackazzes way out". So you think you can fulfill your partner's EVERY need? Are you that confident? Are you that great?
bentnotbroken Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 So you think you can fulfill your partner's EVERY need? Are you that confident? Are you that great? I am that great. I am a great believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. And any partner I have better be man enough to tell me he is going to screw something else while giving me the option to agree with it(which I won't) or to pack his bags. I don't expect anyone to fulfill all my needs. But I do expect maturity enough to be faithful or walk.
johan Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I am a great believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. Ah, well that's like the trump card. It fixes all your Earthly problems. And any partner I have better be man enough to tell me he is going to screw something else while giving me the option to agree with it(which I won't) or to pack his bags. I don't expect anyone to fulfill all my needs. But I do expect maturity enough to be faithful or walk. How do you know it's a question of his maturity? Maybe when he brings up issues you turn into a bitch and make it impossible to talk about difficult problems. Maybe he's tried several times and you never listen or try to change. Maybe your weight gain and nagging has been wearing on him for years and he's gotten to the point where he just needs something worth looking forward to in the day. I mean, be honest with yourself, in the cost-benefit analysis he has to do in his head and heart when faced with temptation: do you bring more to the cost side or to the benefit side?
bentnotbroken Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Ah, well that's like the trump card. It fixes all your Earthly problems. How do you know it's a question of his maturity? Maybe when he brings up issues you turn into a bitch and make it impossible to talk about difficult problems. Maybe he's tried several times and you never listen or try to change. Maybe your weight gain and nagging has been wearing on him for years and he's gotten to the point where he just needs something worth looking forward to in the day. I mean, be honest with yourself, in the cost-benefit analysis he has to do in his head and heart when faced with temptation: do you bring more to the cost side or to the benefit side? :lmao::lmao:That's funny as hell. Anybody(male or female)who chooses to lie and cheat shows less maturity when dealing with life's issues. And yes, the Lord deals with my earthly problems and it is clear from your post that you aren't a believer in his Word or his Covenant for marriage. I now understand where you are coming from. :lmao:
Author Woggle Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 That's funny since it was my ex who was pretty much intolerable to live with for the last few months yet she was the one that cheated on me.
johan Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 :lmao::lmao:That's funny as hell. Anybody(male or female)who chooses to lie and cheat shows less maturity when dealing with life's issues. And yes, the Lord deals with my earthly problems and it is clear from your post that you aren't a believer in his Word or his Covenant for marriage. I now understand where you are coming from. :lmao: Don't fool yourself. When it comes to debating, putting the laughing smilies up there trying to make people think you actually found something I wrote funny... that's not a sign of maturity at all. Is that how you treat your mate? Ridicule his points when he really has something to say that you don't want to hear? But sure, you can just call me the Devil's advocate in this case. Threads like this are so dull with people spouting platitudes and stating the obvious I almost get a headache. So I'm here to find out where YOU are really coming from. I wouldn't say you're bringing a lot of depth to the discussion. Just righteous indignation, which in the real world never gets anything done. Answer the question: besides having Jesus riding on your shoulder, what makes you so wonderful that a man will overcome his original sin just to make sure you're content in life? What do you have to offer besides excerpts from scripture you probably don't even understand? Because at least based on the evidence I've seen so far, you're at risk of having your righteous heart trampled again.
bentnotbroken Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Don't fool yourself. When it comes to debating, putting the laughing smilies up there trying to make people think you actually found something I wrote funny... that's not a sign of maturity at all. Is that how you treat your mate? Ridicule his points when he really has something to say that you don't want to hear? But sure, you can just call me the Devil's advocate in this case. Threads like this are so dull with people spouting platitudes and stating the obvious I almost get a headache. So I'm here to find out where YOU are really coming from. I wouldn't say you're bringing a lot of depth to the discussion. Just righteous indignation, which in the real world never gets anything done. Answer the question: besides having Jesus riding on your shoulder, what makes you so wonderful that a man will overcome his original sin just to make sure you're content in life? What do you have to offer besides excerpts from scripture you probably don't even understand? Because at least based on the evidence I've seen so far, you're at risk of having your righteous heart trampled again. Not at all. My heart is safe because if he isn't a man of God...he isn't the man for me. I do find your posts funny because you feel as if your words will sway, humiliate or confuse...they don't. You have your opinion of what maturity is and it is different than mine. I find anyone incapable of keeping their privates within the confines of the person they married immature and dangerous. You don't. You think it is a right. Your view of marriage is secular not Christian. We won't see things the same way and the Word says move...shake the dust from your feet and move on. I have stated my opinion, you have stated yours. The two of us will not see the others reasoning for those points of view. The end. And Wogs it does happen to some good men.
johan Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 It also happens to bad women. In those cases, I'd say "that's how it goes. Maybe you should have tried to be bearable to be around."
bentnotbroken Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 It also happens to bad women. In those cases, I'd say "that's how it goes. Maybe you should have tried to be bearable to be around." Your assumptions are nice, that I am bad and unbearable...so be it. But I don't need to be around anyone who would put my life and the life of my children in danger...thanks though for the advice. Let's pray you don't find out someday from the doctor that you should have been more bearable.
johan Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Your assumptions are nice, that I am bad and unbearable...so be it. But I don't need to be around anyone who would put my life and the life of my children in danger...thanks though for the advice. Let's pray you don't find out someday from the doctor that you should have been more bearable. I never said anything about you. You never really offered much evidence either way. But I do see how you have the advantage when you choose to be with a man of God. We know they never do wrong. As long as you can find a guy who goes to church every week, you should feel secure eating chips on the couch all day and hassling him about what he needs to do for you. He'll come bounding home to you with a kiss no matter what. You're off the hook when it comes to being the least bit desirable, because his patience and commitment will never waver. He's mature after all.
bentnotbroken Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I never said anything about you. You never really offered much evidence either way. But I do see how you have the advantage when you choose to be with a man of God. We know they never do wrong. As long as you can find a guy who goes to church every week, you should feel secure eating chips on the couch all day and hassling him about what he needs to do for you. He'll come bounding home to you with a kiss no matter what. You're off the hook when it comes to being the least bit desirable, because his patience and commitment will never waver. He's mature after all. :lmao::lmao::lmao:You are entertaining. Tell me more.
threebyfate Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Your assumptions are nice, that I am bad and unbearable...so be it. But I don't need to be around anyone who would put my life and the life of my children in danger...thanks though for the advice. Let's pray you don't find out someday from the doctor that you should have been more bearable.bnb, no one can understand the trauma of infidelity unless they've been married and then cheated on. I wouldn't bother debating this issue with someone who has no idea what marriage means.
Distant78 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 It also happens to bad women. In those cases, I'd say "that's how it goes. Maybe you should have tried to be bearable to be around." Dude, if cheating isn't such a big deal, then say that for all of the divorces that occur each year regarding infidelity and all of the dead wayward spouses that have died from their affair partner's hand or a betrayed spouse's hand. Doesn't even make sense when you say cheaters cheat because their needs weren't being met. Uh, hello? If there was an issue that couldn't be solved it's called divorce. Cheaters are the ones that can be unbearable to be around since they claim some freak of nature made them pull their pants down for someone else. That's the problem with cheaters right now: They have no moral codes and think they can do what they want without consequences, and expect to come back into the relationship with no hassle. What makes us betrayed spouses so wonderful is that we remain faithful, and don't resort to opening our genitals to an OM/OW just because there are issues in our marriages. We don't have used up body parts from an OM/OW and don't "lie to save the marriage" nor do we go and bring home an OC we made with some co-worker or boss that sits across from us at our jobs.
johan Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 EDIT. I see an original thought. I think I'll address that instead of taking the other bait...
johan Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Doesn't even make sense when you say cheaters cheat because their needs weren't being met. Uh, hello? If there was an issue that couldn't be solved it's called divorce. Cheaters are the ones that can be unbearable to be around since they claim some freak of nature made them pull their pants down for someone else. That's the problem with cheaters right now: They have no moral codes and think they can do what they want without consequences, and expect to come back into the relationship with no hassle. What makes us betrayed spouses so wonderful is that we remain faithful, and don't resort to opening our genitals to an OM/OW just because there are issues in our marriages. We don't have used up body parts from an OM/OW and don't "lie to save the marriage" nor do we go and bring home an OC we made with some co-worker or boss that sits across from us at our jobs. I would think divorce is preferable to infidelity, yes. And I don't think a wife should have to compete with every other woman in the world. Even really appealing women end up getting betrayed. There are obvious creeps and womanizers who are just generally rotten guys. But what about your neighbor who you found out did it and you swore was a great guy? Why did he do it? He'd take just as much heat for throwing away his marriage. He had a choice to make. What is going to convince the average guy in the gray area to not cheat? I'm not defending him at all. I think understanding him seems like a better way to address the problem than just demonizing him. It doesn't seem fair to say he has no morals if he operates ok in the rest of the world. The women around here like to pretend they have the magic ability to find men who would never do it. They are mostly wrong.
East7 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 This thread makes me think of an article I read not long ago, which basically states : - If she cheats you are out forever (she is out as well) - If she cheats you never take her back. Well, it is a "magazine" stuff, but there are really some good points there : Marriage: http://uk.askmen.com/dating/doclove_400/401_relationship_expert.html LTR : http://uk.askmen.com/dating/doclove_400/461_relationship_expert.html
Linda9999 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 One point I would like to make is that often, people don't get cheated on because of something they did or are or any of that. People sometimes are cheated on because they married someone who cheated. The cheater is the one with issues, not the BS. Look at Sandra Bullock. I really don't think that monogamy is a natural state for humans. I'm not convinced we all have one life partner. I do think, though, that if you commit to someone, you have a duty to be true to them while you're with them, if that's what you both agree on. I think there's pressure on people to get married, and that many people get married when they shouldn't because they're told they should, not because they are truly in love. Then when they realize their mistake, they stray instead of divorcing. I don't think the problem is cheating so much as it is not divorcing when you should. So, should my husband have divorced me rather than cheat? Hell yeah. I also think that if he'd thought of it in that way, he would have chosen not to cheat but instead to work on the marriage. I think the choice to divorce is the one cheaters should consider before they cheat, because cheating is the easy way out.
Negative Nancy Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I dumped my first wife for cheating though the marriage was horrible in the few months leading up to it. Do you think that means there was a precursor to it? Like you could have seen it coming in hindsight?
Kendrick Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Good post woggle. I couldn't take back a cheater. Its a deal breaker for me as well. I do believe there are some people though, who if they take back a cheater, and BOTH spouses work on the marriage 100% and are honest and build trust back up over time, that it can work. However I think both people have to be 100% committed to seeing it through and working together. After such devestation, I'm not sure I would have the strength and energy to want to work on it. I think what bothers me mostly, is the people who continually take back a cheater who constatnly cheats (a serial cheater). I don't think I'll ever really understand that mind set.
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