hmartin Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now. We've never had any conflict over friends. Last summer he started a new job. He's recently built a friendship with a girl at work. That's fine, he doesn't have very many, if any, friends aside from myself. Reasons for Concern: - One of their clients at work claims they are supposed to get married. (Granted, that client has an intellectual disability) - Paired up on a lot of projects at work (eg. planning Christmas lunch) - Her boyfriend recently dumped her (This is where the concern started) - Since the break up, he has in essence taken over her ex-boyfriends role in driving her to and from work. He claims it's not far out of his way, I disagree. - They have recently started texting. I know it's not about work stuff as he said to me "I am pretty sure she think's I'm an alcoholic." - He talks about her a lot. Not other co-workers, and not clients like he used to. Recently it's mainly been about her. (I previously took this as just being excited about a new friend.) - He sees her at work for 37.5 hours each week except when one is out of office or working with other clients. On top of that they take their lunch together and he's driving her back and forth to work. The only time he and I get together is Friday evening, Saturday evening, and all day Sunday. Reasons to Notbe Concerned - We have a strong relationship, very few problems, if any at this point. - He talks about her a lot! While this could be a downside, I think this might be more of an upside because if he's having romantic feelings about her he would probably shy away from the subject. - She's 19, he's 23. He said he'd be uncomfortable dating someone that young. - He has, on occasion, said she's a little annoying. (But he seems to still rather like her as a person in spite of that.) - Ultimately: I trust him, but I'm concerned that with seeing me so little and seeing her so much, he will grow closer to her and farther from me. So, the reason I am writing in this forum is because I'm not sure what to do! I have received advice from a few friends. But I'm still not sure. They think I should talk to him about it. My concerns with that is he'll just think I'm being unreasonable and turn it around on me and blame me for just being jealous and insecure or not trusting him. Christmas is just around the corner which is my favourite holiday. We have a great weekend of family dinners to attend and it will be great. But I just don't want this looming over my head.
Minnie09 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 (edited) Uh oh. I smell trouble. There are several red flags I see: 1) You seem worried already. Gut feelings are to be taken seriously. 2) They spend a lot of time together and he bends over backwards in order to be accommodating (driving her to/from work). 3) In addition to the time they already have available during work and commuting, they feel the need to communicate in their time off by texting. 4) He talks about her a lot = he thinks about her a lot, and wants you to feel safe by mentioning her to you (even if it is occasionally negative, like she's annoying and such....and IF she is, why trying to spend extra time with her and please her?) 5) He says she would not be in his age group for dating. Why would he even consider that? OP, have you met her? I think he's already emotionally attracted to/interested in her, and by putting their friendship out in the open, he tries to convince you it's nothing more than a friendship, and he also convinces himself that he's a good and honest guy. I'm sure something is up, I just don't know how I would approach the problem. By voicing your concerns to him, you come across as clingy and insecure, and this will only fuel their "friendship", as she will be the first person on the planet to be informed about your "insecurity" and "jealousy". He will just use that against you. Right now, I would do nothing. He may just be enjoying the attention of a hot co-worker. However, bear in mind that he's still very young and not experienced as far as emotional affairs and infidelity are concerned, and may not be aware of the danger they bring about. His ego-boost might be his priority right now, and he might not be able to anticipate the negative effect that this friendship may have on his main R. He still has to learn his hard lessons, and unfortunately, if he does, you will be the one suffering. Edited December 17, 2010 by Minnie09
Author hmartin Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 OP, have you met her? I just don't know how I would approach the problem. By voicing your concerns to him, you come across as clingy and insecure, and this will only fuel their "friendship", as she will be the first person on the planet to be informed about your "insecurity" and "jealousy". He will just use that against you. Right now, I would do nothing. and unfortunately, if he does, you will be the one suffering. Thank you for your advice! I guess what I am also wondering now is what I should do. It almost seems like it's a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation. Another factor which may prove to save our relationship is he has asked me to housesit with him for two months. So we will be essentially "living" together for those two months. But essentially, this seems like a bleak outlook. I can't just sit back and watch things deteriorate and hope his strong work morals kick in. (He has an incredibly high work ethic.)
DragonSlave49 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Yeah, I think there's a good chance they'll hook up. If they do get together, there's nothing you can do about it. But he might regret his actions quickly. You'll have to think about whether you can forgive him if he does do something. I wouldn't be surprised if she is pushing things along between the two of them. I read "annoying" as "assertive".
D-Lish Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Op, if your gut instinct is kicking in, it's something you should pay strong attention to. This is something you should address. Office affairs happen so often because these people spend so much time together. It's not unreasonable or silly for you to voice your concerns to your bf. It would be one thing if they were already friends before you met... But this is different. If it is bothering you, don't ignore it, talk to him.
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 He's not looking for something to happen, but he IS putting himself in a situation where something could happen eventually if the timing is right. It's one thing to have a buddy at work, someone you can laugh with, have coffee with, talk about work stuff and get the jokes around the office etc, etc..It's another that he's allowing himself, allow HER to get to close to him. HE seems to be her shoulder and she's asking too much of him, he's not saying no either. He probably thinks he's just being a good friend, something he'd do for anybody, but the damage it's doing to you, and the relationship isn't good. He is bonding with her on some level..He may not be aware of it, but damn well know SHE IS aware of it and is loving the attention from him, even more so since she's had a recent break up. This isn't about jealously, it's about him getting too close to another female and getting emotionally attached, and lines/boundries can easily be crossed.
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