Maxxx Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I have not posted here in a long time but felt the need to vent and ask some questions. We have been married now since July. I am having some major issues. One is shortly after we married I changed jobs took a big hit in the pocket and to be honest I hate my new job. Second my new wife's house keeping is MUCH worse then I thought it was going to be I knew from dating her she was not a neat person but come on our ideas of keeping the house clean are WAY OFF. from one another. I am ALWAYS picking up after her and cleaning up. When I have a day off and she is working I have dinner ready for her when she comes home and not from a box either. When I am working and she is off I cook when I get home?????? The few times she has fixed something it's been crap frozen pizza or something. I just feel like she is not respectful of the things that I like or don't like. I have mentioned a few times about picking up and cleaning around the house she says I'm a neat freak. If you saw the house you would not think that really I just like things put where they belong and dirty dishes out of the sink and would like her to put the same effort into cooking a meal that I do from time to time.
Iconoclast Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Sounds like one major issue. Namely "One". Everything else is simple negotiation. It can be as difficult or simple as you want. It's all in the approach.
Woggle Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Most of the time it is. I would stop going the extra mile for her when clearly she does not do it for you.
NoLongerSad Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Maxxx, do not have children with this woman. She sounds exactly like the type of woman who will get bored of being married after two/three years, find a bunch of things she doesn't like about you, and then go and cheat. In fact she's already started finding things she doesn't like about you. You got sucked in by the old bait and switch my friend. Has she cut off the sex, yet? Don't worry--it'll happen sooner than you think.
westrock Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I knew from dating her she was not a neat person but come on our ideas of keeping the house clean are WAY OFF. You knew going in how she is. Not fair for you to complain now. This doesn't mean you have to live in a mess, but you need to work on a compromise with her. If you want it cleaner than her idea of clean, then you will have to do the work to keep it to your level of expectation. I just like things put where they belong and dirty dishes out of the sink and would like her to put the same effort into cooking a meal that I do from time to time. Maybe she can't cook or is not comfortable in the kitchen. You must have known this before getting married. It's not fair for you to now expect her to be able to cook like you do. You need to talk with her and come up with a plan. Iconoclast has good advice.
allina Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Did you live with her before getting married? Was she more considerate before marriage? In my opinion a marriage that is a constant struggle is a burden not a marriage. I understand that she may have different standards on cleanliness but I'm suspicious of the fact that she doesn't even try. Does she ever put effort in to doing things for you, anything to make you feel happy, comfortable and loved?
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I have not posted here in a long time but felt the need to vent and ask some questions. We have been married now since July. I am having some major issues. One is shortly after we married I changed jobs took a big hit in the pocket and to be honest I hate my new job. Second my new wife's house keeping is MUCH worse then I thought it was going to be I knew from dating her she was not a neat person but come on our ideas of keeping the house clean are WAY OFF. from one another. I am ALWAYS picking up after her and cleaning up. When I have a day off and she is working I have dinner ready for her when she comes home and not from a box either. When I am working and she is off I cook when I get home?????? The few times she has fixed something it's been crap frozen pizza or something. I just feel like she is not respectful of the things that I like or don't like. I have mentioned a few times about picking up and cleaning around the house she says I'm a neat freak. If you saw the house you would not think that really I just like things put where they belong and dirty dishes out of the sink and would like her to put the same effort into cooking a meal that I do from time to time. Okay..I don't think its right that she doesnt cook..especially when she's off work. Thats just wrong and lazy. As far as the home cleaning goes...I just tried something a few weeks ago that seems to be working well. Damn its a cleaning schedule! I have one posted for "Everyday duties" and "Weekly duties" And guess what...my husband and son have to check one of these boxes once a day and once a week! My house has never looked better..and well I get help now! Childish...maybe...but it works for me. Why not try something like that with her?
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Oh and for Christmas..don't spoil her with lavish gifts. Get her some cook books...or hell enroll her in some cook classes!
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Turn this into something positive. Hey honey, let's take a cooking class together on weekends, could be neat to learn to some dishes to cook so we can eat healthier.. Hey Honey, let's spend the day going through junk we don't need and get rid of paper work that's piled up. Maybe it would be better to clean up as we go along instead of leaving it until the place gets really messy. Or, just tell her point blank your expectations. When she isn't working, she can cook dinner. Each of you have chores to do in the house, split that up abit so all cleaning isn't just her job.
hoping2heal Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Prior to marriage was there a talk about expectations on both sides? You also mention that you knew she wasn't a neat person when you were dating. How much worse is it now, compared to back then? It's unfortunate that when you try to talk to her you just get re-buffed. How are you saying it to her?
Distant78 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Maxxx, do not have children with this woman. She sounds exactly like the type of woman who will get bored of being married after two/three years, find a bunch of things she doesn't like about you, and then go and cheat. In fact she's already started finding things she doesn't like about you. You got sucked in by the old bait and switch my friend. Has she cut off the sex, yet? Don't worry--it'll happen sooner than you think. You took the words right outta ma mouth.
D-Lish Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 It seems like cooking and cleaning are a major sticking point for you, but is it a deal breaker? You failed to mention how the two of you get along in general. A marriage is something you have to work at, so you might want to have a discussion with your wife about your needs/her needs, your expectations, her expectations. Honestly, cooking and cleaning should be something the two of you can resolve. If you can't resolve something as minor as this, how will the two of you handle the much bigger issues that inevitably arise in long term relationships? I say have a discussion. Tell her how you are feeling. Don't accuse, don't show anger when you have the discussion. Be honest with her. Sometimes people don't even realize they are being selfish- which is why an honest conversation can do wonders. The worst thing you can do is start with-holding from your end. It's a passive aggressive way of managing a relationship. If you start to diminish the loving things you do for her without telling her why, all you are doing is introducing unnecessary resentment into your relationship. A problem certainly exists, but so does an opportunity to fix it. Just tell her straight up that you feel like you are feeling stressed out about work and need her to pick up the pace and help out more on the home front. If you have an earnest talk with her and she doesn't respond to your needs, then you have a real problem. Don't approach this with "you don't do this" or "you don't do that"... That kind of approach will only cause more strife. Try the softer approach of "Hey, I'm stressed out and I really need your help"...
Author Maxxx Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 Thank you all for your comments...... I think as far as keeping things picked up and neat it is worse then what I saw before we were married because she always "Cleaned up" a little bit before i would come to her place.... (we didn't live together before marriage) The other thing is we both are set in our ways a bit after all I am 40 years old and been single all my life and lived on my own. All other aspects of our life all good we get along great and the sex is still there and we both enjoy it or she seems to anyway I think most of it boils down to what someone said she is "lazy" when it comes to cleaning..... Now as far as cooking I will admit she is not "at home" in the kitchen and even though I am not a chef my cooking skills are better then hers. That is why she won't try shes scared it won't live up to my standards. We both have some time off over the holidays so I will bring this up and see where it takes us
musemaj11 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Her mother didnt do a good job raising a daughter. Maybe tell her to get a good job and be the breadwinner so you can take care of the house instead.
Jamone Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 My wife was the same after we got married. She put on a good front before we got married and that was appealing to me. When we spoke about it she said she's not super woman. I tend to agree with the comedian that said when you meet someone for the first few times you are meeting their agent and not them! She won't change mate. Mine hasn't. Maybe our expectations were too high. Like you, we share the load but it's the simple things that she doesn't do that annoy me. She can't see the logic that doing a little at a time will reduce the workload if you allow things to pile up. Concentrate on the other things that make you happy and hopefully both of you can come to some kind of compromise. I know at times you feel like banging your head against the wall but miracles happen and she just might change one day. Good luck.
Author Maxxx Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 I like this idea but even though she does ok as a teacher she would have to make allot more for us to make it LOL... Maybe tell her to get a good job and be the breadwinner so you can take care of the house instead.
carhill Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Hire a housekeeper and her/his salary can come out of the household expense account you both contribute to. Tell me about her domestic strengths. In any household, there is a balance. If it is perpetually imbalanced, one partner gets resentful and the M usually begins to deteriorate. How proactive is she about her strengths? How appreciative are you of her strengths? She of yours? How is that expressed? I had a simple rule. Anything I tripped over went into the trash. Clutter was fine, even if controverting my standard of what an acceptable home appearance was, but the boundary was tripping over it. If I saw something needed to be done, I did it. EOS. Ultimately, and such issues are indicative of broader and deeper ones, these dynamics are elements of compatibility. If you can't function as a *team*, you won't be M for long. I haven't tripped in a good two years and am quite happy about it
Honorable_Venerable Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Q: Is marriage really this hard? A: Yes.
martini-mae Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Her mother didnt do a good job raising a daughter. Maybe tell her to get a good job and be the breadwinner so you can take care of the house instead. Oh Poo!!!! Has nothing to do with her mother whatsoever. I raised a very happy young woman who is happy with her child & husband. She is NOT a housekeeper. Not her forte'. However, the home she was raised in. - MINE - was spotless at all times. Women today just don't find it important to have a ""tidy at all times home."" Ask yourself WHY does it need to be tidy at all times? Is the president going to drop in? Do your friends just drop by unannounced?? Highly doubtful. (unless you're in your 20's- which you say you're not) If you like the house clean - then you be the house cleaner OR better yet, why not hire a Merry Maids person to clean once a week?????? You do fail to mention how your relationship is other than that. If a clean house is a deal breaker....No wonder you've been single all your life & you're 40. (think about it??)
Author Maxxx Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 Oh Poo!!!! Has nothing to do with her mother whatsoever. I raised a very happy young woman who is happy with her child & husband. She is NOT a housekeeper. Not her forte'. However, the home she was raised in. - MINE - was spotless at all times. Women today just don't find it important to have a ""tidy at all times home."" Ask yourself WHY does it need to be tidy at all times? Is the president going to drop in? Do your friends just drop by unannounced?? Highly doubtful. (unless you're in your 20's- which you say you're not) If you like the house clean - then you be the house cleaner OR better yet, why not hire a Merry Maids person to clean once a week?????? You do fail to mention how your relationship is other than that. If a clean house is a deal breaker....No wonder you've been single all your life & you're 40. (think about it??) Our relationship is good on other fronts we get along well and don't really disagree about anything. A clean house or NOT is NOT a deal breaker for me. The house needs to be tidy because it looks better that way and it over all makes me feel better. I have adopted something that Carhill said............ If I trip over it it gets put in the trash I started doing that about a month ago......... she has not missed anything that has gotten thrown away. We had a short talk last Friday about laundry she said I messed up her laundry schedule when I would do it when I was off during the week. She said she likes to do laundry on Saturdays. So even though the cloths basket in our room was OVER FLOWING I let it go and needless to say its Tuesday morning a "Saturday" has come and gone and the cloths basket is still over flowing even more so now. She is out from school for her winter break starting tomorrow.... I am going to keep letting it go and see if it gets done if I don't run out of underwear first LOL.... Point blank I think its just being lazy but I might be all wrong..... And none of this stuff I am talking about is a deal breaker just asking some questions and looking at different answers. I love my wife unconditionally That does not mean I don't get frustrated from time to time
martini-mae Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Ok - So it's frustrating. Absolutely!! Been married for 33 years myself. Yes marriage is HARD. It's also VERY FRUSTRATING from time to time. But it needs to be give & take -in your situation she may be taking a little bit more than you like at this time. However, in the long run most small things such as this (house cleaning & laundry) pass. Kind of like a phase someone goes thru in life. Perhaps a year from now after she see's you're the one doing it all the light bulb will go off & she'll get it. (Weirder things have happened) I'll tell you there are things about my husband that bug the hell out of me & have for 33 years. I just 'do the best I can' to look past it. Pick his dirty clothes up off the floor & put them in the basket / put his glass in the dishwasher (which he sets right on TOP of where the dishwasher is located) & go on about my day. I love him too much to let little things like this eat at me. I hope you find a happy medium for your situation.
xxoo Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 You both work? Buy his and hers hampers and do your own laundry. Leave hers to be done on her own schedule. Consider cleaning together one morning every weekend. Make a habit of taking 2 hours sat morning and cleaning together, and then do something really fun together afterwards. H and I did this before kids, when we both worked during the week. Consider making a weekly mean plan together, including a designated "chef" for each evening. Make sure all the ingredients are in the house and the schedule is posted. Have her choose the meals for her nights, so that she feels comfortable with what she is cooking.
woinlove Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 You both work? Buy his and hers hampers and do your own laundry. Leave hers to be done on her own schedule. Consider cleaning together one morning every weekend. Make a habit of taking 2 hours sat morning and cleaning together, and then do something really fun together afterwards. H and I did this before kids, when we both worked during the week. Consider making a weekly mean plan together, including a designated "chef" for each evening. Make sure all the ingredients are in the house and the schedule is posted. Have her choose the meals for her nights, so that she feels comfortable with what she is cooking. Those are all great suggestions. On the cooking -- another possibility is scheduling some nights to cook together. We do this quite often, and to come home, put on music, sip wine, and cook together, is a real treat. Although we've moved along to each having our own specialities, initially we worked on the same parts of the meal together and learned from each other. Perhaps your wife could learn from you.
musemaj11 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) Oh Poo!!!! Has nothing to do with her mother whatsoever. I raised a very happy young woman who is happy with her child & husband. She is NOT a housekeeper. Not her forte'. However, the home she was raised in. - MINE - was spotless at all times. A woman who cant cook and clean are lacking in womanly qualities. Its like a man who doesnt have a good job. Women today just don't find it important to have a ""tidy at all times home."" Ask yourself WHY does it need to be tidy at all times? Is the president going to drop in? Do your friends just drop by unannounced?? Highly doubtful. This is the logic of a messy person. Im the neat type of person. I keep the place I live in clean and neat at all times not for anyone else. Its for myself. Some people can live in a garbage can and it doesnt bother them. But I cant stand living in a trash can. I like this idea but even though she does ok as a teacher she would have to make allot more for us to make it LOL... Personally I would love to have a wife who can be the main breadwinner while Im the secondary breadwinner and the caretaker of the house because honestly as a neat freak I have an excellent housekeeping skill. But if she expected me to be the breadwinner then she better be a good housekeeper. Edited December 22, 2010 by musemaj11
martini-mae Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 A woman who cant cook and clean are lacking in womanly qualities. WTH - since when is it still 1921??? Wow! This is the logic of a messy person. No it isn't - It's the logic of a busy woman raising a family, shuffling kids here & there, paying bills, keeping a job, etc, etc, etc. Since it is no longer 1921 most women have jobs & many other responsibilities. Being tied to a sink, stove & vacuum cleaner come second. (especially when there are children in the household) I'm a neat freak myself. But sometimes the house needs to go a while before a cleaning because there are other more important responsibililties to tend to.
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