daphne Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Why would someone (male or female) not choose to multi-date? Why limit yourself? For me it means I have multiple options. Everyone's different. I have a ton of options, but very, very few real ones that I would consider. If it doesn't work out, you can always go back to the drawing board and date a ton of people afterwards. But if I find someone special, I don't want to waste my time getting their details mixed in with the not so special "options."
deebeechrisyo Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Why would someone (male or female) not choose to multi-date? Why limit yourself? For me it means I have multiple options. I'm considering trying it for the sole reason that dating one girl at a time seems to put me at a disadvantage. I'm putting all my eggs in one basket while the girl I'm dating has 10 other possible suitors. However, I stand by what I've experienced, and most if not all mutli-dating females have major personality issues. The last girl I dated kept telling me how much she hated drama, but it seemed like her life was just full of it based on her stories. It's not hard to relieve your life of drama if you REALLY wanted to. I don't wan't to date girls who multi-date, but if I started multi-dating that would just be hypocritical.
Star Gazer Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 So if it's Wednesday, and you ask a woman out for a first date for Saturday, but on Tuesday she'd already accepted a first date for Friday, you'd expect her to turn you down? That's a shame.
JustJoe Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I agree with Lexi and TA completely ( and would probably date both of them, too:D) before I entered into my current relationship, I felt free to date anyone I pleased, and was perfectly willing to accord that right to the women I dated. To expect the woman to adhere to some double standard of behavior from the last century, is ridiculous.
Chicago_Guy Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 ...that puts me off. Don't really know what it is, but when I find out a girl I'm dating is seeing/dating other men, it really does turn me off. I don't really know how to put it into words, something clicks, and red flags are raised. It just strikes me as scandalous/Jersey Shorish. Are there other men out there who feel the same? I don't like it either, and it is a reason why men shouldn't spent too much money on women they have only started dating. Some women complain that men don't want to spend the money to take them out on a proper date. However, men who have some experience with dating have learned the hard way that lots of women multi-date, so there's absolutely no reason to spend too much money on a woman until she has proven herself to be worthy.
denise_xo Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I agree with Lexi and TA completely ( and would probably date both of them, too:D) before I entered into my current relationship, I felt free to date anyone I pleased, and was perfectly willing to accord that right to the women I dated. To expect the woman to adhere to some double standard of behavior from the last century, is ridiculous. Amen. [ten characters]
Sarah1977 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I do it. And if a guy has a problem with it, he is probably too insecure for me anyway. With that said, I do insist on going dutch most of the time because I'm not out for free meals. Just company. Personally, I prefer that the man multi date as well. I don't mind a bit of healthy competition and when I'm the only girl he's seeing, I feel waaaayyy too much pressure to like him. If I know I'm just one of a couple of girls and I don't feel a connection, I don't feel so guilty breaking it off.
Yer_Blues Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I do it. And if a guy has a problem with it, he is probably too insecure for me anyway. With that said, I do insist on going dutch most of the time because I'm not out for free meals. Just company. Personally, I prefer that the man multi date as well. I don't mind a bit of healthy competition and when I'm the only girl he's seeing, I feel waaaayyy too much pressure to like him. If I know I'm just one of a couple of girls and I don't feel a connection, I don't feel so guilty breaking it off. I think the difference in opinions on this issue probably goes beyond simple insecurity. It's just fundamental difference in approach, and it doesn't surprise me that people who don't multi-date don't want to date people who multi-date. The difference in expectations and approach probably makes it better if people are on the same page about this. I personally can't make an opinion on this yet. I do get a little bit of a bad feeling about multi-dating, not because I'm insecure about "competition", but just because I feel it puts you into more of a judgement mode from the start by comparing the different dates against each other. You have to make a lot of assumptions about people in the process and I think the pressure would make me uncomfortable. People who are more experienced and know what they are looking for and have a better read on their personal "red flags" probably don't have this issue though. Multi-dating seems like the more efficient method of dating because you get to judge your compatibility with more people. A lower pressure, more exploratory approach is definitely not reprehensible like a lot of the posters here seem to be claiming. At the same time, if people want to be more traditional or natural and not multi-date, I don't think it necessarily means they are insecure.
Sarah1977 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I think multi dating is LESS judgmental because I know I can take my time and really get to know a person. When you're dating just one person, you want to figure them out quickly before you waste a lot of time on just them
Yer_Blues Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I think multi dating is LESS judgmental because I know I can take my time and really get to know a person. When you're dating just one person, you want to figure them out quickly before you waste a lot of time on just them The idea that other people are a waste of time if they don't turn out perfect for you isn't one that I embrace. It would lead me to see negatives that might not really be there and discount people too easily. You don't necessarily have to approach dating in this hasty way. Taking your time is something you can do in either form of dating, multi-dating just seems to be more efficient. It makes more sense to me logically, it's just that there is something uncomfortable about the idea of having to compare your feelings on two people simultaneously.
Sarah1977 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 The idea that other people are a waste of time if they don't turn out perfect for you isn't one that I embrace. It would lead me to see negatives that might not really be there and discount people too easily. You don't necessarily have to approach dating in this hasty way. Taking your time is something you can do in either form of dating, multi-dating just seems to be more efficient. It makes more sense to me logically, it's just that there is something uncomfortable about the idea of having to compare your feelings on two people simultaneously. Well, are you a man? Because time doesn't mean much to men. You can have children in your 70's. When you're a woman with a biological clock that's going to run out rather quickly, you can't spend 6 months on each man lest you end up 40, still single and childless.
Yer_Blues Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Well, are you a man? Because time doesn't mean much to men. You can have children in your 70's. When you're a woman with a biological clock that's going to run out rather quickly, you can't spend 6 months on each man lest you end up 40, still single and childless. I almost mentioned this in my last post haha... Time doesn't mean ANYTHING to me. I am never going to die because I'm 19
Woggle Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Most of the women who end up single and childless are the type who multi-date. There is nothing wrong with being single and childless but if a woman wants more commitment than that then treating a man is if he is a disposable option is not the way to acheive it. The only type of men who go for this are players who treat women as if they are disposable options.
Sarah1977 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Most of the women who end up single and childless are the type who multi-date. There is nothing wrong with being single and childless but if a woman wants more commitment than that then treating a man is if he is a disposable option is not the way to acheive it. The only type of men who go for this are players who treat women as if they are disposable options. ' I think that's just your opinion. Not facts.
Woggle Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 ' I think that's just your opinion. Not facts. It might be opinion but one backed up by plenty of experience and observation.
Sarah1977 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 It might be opinion but one backed up by plenty of experience and observation. Weird. Because I observe the exact opposite. Then again, I don't automatically assume my personal experiences are fact and then make blanket statements about 'most men' either. *shrugs
zengirl Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I think you have to make some distinctions -- there are people who multi-date purposefully (they feel insecure if their calendar is not fill and actively fill it up) and people who multidate when they happen to meet multiple people their interested in --- generally, during the early stages. The latter just seems normal to me; I don't know if the former is a dealbreaker for me, but it would strike me as odd, sure. There are people who sleep with multiple people at a time, which strikes me as unsafe and a bit gross, particularly if all the partners don't know about it. That's not the same as grabbing coffee with several men/women in a week. So, there are different kinds of multi-dating. And there are some that use it as leverage, rather than simply information gathering. I find that unappealing, personally. The truth is, nobody wants to feel like somebody's option, particularly if they've made that person a priority. So if you get exclusive automatically, the other person multi-dating would feel unfair. I get that. But getting exclusive automatically skips several steps, in my opinion. I've no interest in being exclusive with a man (a) I've no interest in having sex with yet (for me, that takes time), and (b) who hasn't fully committed to me---and that means emotional investment, which comes with time, not just exclusivity. So I multi-date till I find that man, and then, in the early stages, I start to focus on him exclusively. I also take care never to be rude --- not mentioning other dates, texting with anyone (other dates or friends or whatnot) on dates with him, being punctual, and giving him my full attention when I'm with him. It's always worked for me, and I've never had any complaints. I've never juggled 6 guys either, but I've dated 2 or 3 at a time for a brief time. Well at what point do you expect her to start forsaking all other men - upon agreeing to a first date with you? By the second? I'm trying to figure out exactly when multi-dating becomes ''scandalous'' in your opinion b/c as far as I'm concerned, outside of an exclusive relationship both parties are free to date whomever they please... So if it's Wednesday, and you ask a woman out for a first date for Saturday, but on Tuesday she'd already accepted a first date for Friday, you'd expect her to turn you down? That's a shame. These two make a fantastic point. Sometimes you just don't know enough about a person to turn down folks and become exclusive to them. Especially for women, who are generally approached, this is true. I can see if you're a man who is rarely approached and generally approaches how it seems like, "Gee, she knew she had a date, why is she making more, why not wait till next week to ask them out if it doesn't work out," but since women tend to have a more passive role (not that they have to, but it often happens) and wait to get asked out, if two fellas she has an interest in happen to ask her out around the same time, the gal will likely go out with both, especially if they are both 'new' to her. Seems natural to me. It's not even that she's always seeking more dates. The dates seek her out.
Yer_Blues Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Most of the women who end up single and childless are the type who multi-date. There is nothing wrong with being single and childless but if a woman wants more commitment than that then treating a man is if he is a disposable option is not the way to acheive it. The only type of men who go for this are players who treat women as if they are disposable options. Are new interests/dates not disposable objects in general in the beginning stages? There is no commitment, there is no guarantee or expectation of much. I don't see how the concept of multidating is horribly unfair to men in particular and don't see how it is connected with being a player...
Woggle Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Are new interests/dates not disposable objects in general in the beginning stages? There is no commitment, there is no guarantee or expectation of much. I don't see how the concept of multidating is horribly unfair to men in particular and don't see how it is connected with being a player... It is a way to weed out the women who are not good relationship material.
Flesh Eating Virus Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I don't even understand it. I guess I'm old fashioned. No you're not. You're new-fashioned. You might feel old fashioned, but that's because you're projecting your own personal ideal back onto history. Exclusivity in dating is a recent phenomenon that never actually occurred in the old days. In the actual old days--- you know, actual real-life recorded history from the beginning of the dating phenomenon around 1910 to when it was largely replaced by hanging out and hooking up around 1980--- dating was never exclusive. It was always casual, and completely typical to date three different people in a week. Just ask your parents or grandparents. In the actual old days, dating was for short term fun and entertainment, not primarily a search for a long-term partner. But when a long term prospect was indeed found, the couple would move on from dating and go steady. There was a clear distinction made between dating (short term, casual, multi, for fun, for meeting people) and the progression from that into going steady (long term, serious, exclusive, for a relationship, already met someone). You are talking about going steady right out of the box, not dating in its true historical context. Dating subsided substantially in the 80s and 90s in favor of hanging out and what's now called hooking up. It is back to some extent now as a more formal alternative. So now that going steady doesn't exist any more, and dating exists as an alternative to hooking up, it has changed and become much more exclusive. But that is only within the last 10-15 years. It is not the historical dating tradition. Date, go steady, hang out, hook up, or whatever you want to do. I don't care. But let's not call new things old or pretend that exclusive dating is the only thing our parents ever did.
welikeincrowds Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 (edited) Well, are you a man? Because time doesn't mean much to men. You can have children in your 70's. When you're a woman with a biological clock that's going to run out rather quickly, you can't spend 6 months on each man lest you end up 40, still single and childless. Hahaha. That's valid. I think the real controversy here is whether or not you believe in the notion of regrets in general, which is a whole separate topic. As for OP, I've given this topic a lot of thought. I think the controversy in multi-dating seems to be that it challenges some people's self-esteem. One way to look at multi-dating is that it is practical: since the only way to meet someone is by accident (you two happened to be in the same place at the same time), it makes sense to maximize on what cosmically low chances you have of finding good people. This approach gets compounded by the notion that one is searching for specifically one person (a committed relationship). I haven't figured out what it is about it, but I think the difference is clear enough that it must be a part of why some people get upset at the idea of multi-dating. Another possibility is that these people who become agitated at the idea of multi-dating are themselves, of course, not multi-dating. When they come up against the topic, maybe by meeting someone who is, they naturally think of their own lives, and question/are reminded why they are not. It might be that they are not multi-dating because they have the opportunity, but cannot: because they are afraid to put themselves out there, and hope to instead take what they can get. It might be because they are lazy. It might be because they were taught that it is categorically wrong, immoral or unethical. What all these reasons have in common is that they challenge some deeply held issue or principle in that person, which would cause them to become agitated. There are two remaining possibilities I can think of. One is that they don't see multi-dating as practical, and rather find it as an ineffective way of finding good people. Being in simple disagreement, in most cases, these people aren't the ones agitated by the idea of multi-dating -- unless the moment arises where a person who believes this finds him/herself dating a multi-dater. In that case, the person may wonder, in alignment with his/her own beliefs, why the person they are dating has not yet shown appreciation for their being a good person, and might blame the method of multi-dating (and therefore the other person's judgment), which they consider ineffective for finding good people. The other is that they wouldn't mind multi-dating, but don't have the options due to mitigating circumstances that are legitimately outside of their own control. But I would imagine those people would consider themselves multi-daters. Edited December 17, 2010 by welikeincrowds
Sarah1977 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 As for OP, I've given this topic a lot of thought. I think the controversy in multi-dating seems to be that it challenges some people's self-esteem. Exactly. I don't mind if a guy I'm seeing multi dates because I don't expect or want him to feel like I may be the love of his life after one date. Further, I don't like the idea that the guy is only with me because no one else will have him. Hey, sometimes girls want to win over the great catch, too! Also, I don't personally fall in love that quickly and it takes me a fair bit of time to decide whether or not I like someone enough to be exclusive with. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy someone's company. It just means I'm more focused on having fun and letting things grow from there. It's too much pressure, otherwise. With that said, since I multi date, I try to pay my own way, I don't sleep around, and no one ever gets further than a kiss goodnight with me. Dating, for me, is strictly a 'getting to know you' thing. It's not a fast track into a long term relationship NOW NOW NOW.
welikeincrowds Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 (edited) Also, I don't personally fall in love that quickly and it takes me a fair bit of time to decide whether or not I like someone enough to be exclusive with. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy someone's company. It just means I'm more focused on having fun and letting things grow from there. It's too much pressure, otherwise. That brings me to another idea. When someone who doesn't multi-date is dating a multi-dater, they may have a more intensified feeling that rejection is due to competition (factors outside the relationship), rather than incompatibilities between the two of you (factors inside the relationship). That can stir jealousy, anger, and self-doubt. That could also be why some people see multi-dating as a sort of game, because for them, particularly if they are inclined toward being threatened, the "other people" are more readily perceived as being a part of the dates. If you feel that you are being considered by your date in context it would be almost as if those "other people" are at the dinner table with you. Thus your date would end up being more of a performance (seeing as there's now an audience), rather than a moment of intimacy building, with one person. Edited December 17, 2010 by welikeincrowds
PerpetualMotion Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I don't mind if a woman multi-dates, but I expect her to be focused on me (as I am on her) when we're on a date. I don't correlate the number of dates with someone being secure/insecure though.
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