What I've learned..or maybe a rant..

[Movingthrough]

First off, great site, this place has really helped me out as far as information and getting others opinions on things.

 

Some of you may have seen my other posts, my situation was weird but in some ways very normal. Had a crush on a married girl who I thought would never want anything to do with me even if she was single. She ends up getting divorced and who does she call, yep me, to say that she has felt the same way for a long time.

 

To me this was almost unreal, I'm not 19 anymore but it was a great feeling to know that someone could feel the same way. Things moved real fast and due to it being a semi secret due to both of us right out of relationships, the anxiety and the stress took over only for me to ask her one day if she was ok and get a response by text that it was too much for her right now. After all the "love", feelings and great times, times that I thought would never end. Something I opened inside of me to feel for her that I never opened before...all done, in 2 seconds.

 

Weeks later (could have been sooner) she is with someone else, going on trips, kissing in the sunset, the whole nine. While the whole situation screamed red flag and I can admit I looked beyond it, I was very much in love with her and its hard to say but I probably still am..thats why it always hurts so much.

 

Months went by and due to a close circle of friends, I hear more about them, how they are in love, taking trips every month and she is "beyond happy". Like I said in my other post, I ended up seeing this on Facebook by accident and it tore me apart.

 

I had so many questions...how can you say you love someone and move on so quick? Was everything we had a complete waste? Why didn't I follow my gut and not do something in the first place? I could go on and on..

 

I have been NC for about 3 weeks now, and never had a problem with it, I was lucky enough to be able to say everything before and even if I was forced to, I wouldn't know what else to say to her. Throughout all this stuff with her new guy, she has messaged me on and off saying how much she misses me and basically being torn.

 

I asked myself and said "Is this how I want it?" random texts saying this and that while she is going home to another guy at night? No. So I went NC, I know I will hear from her again but at that point I don't know if it will matter. For the last few weeks I have been really good, actually met another girl and was taking the steps to move forward, but the last few days have not been good. I had a bad day at work and the girl I was talking to basically stopped talking to me, I cannot stand the silent treatment but I feel thats how most deal with their problems. Well..

 

The other day I woke up and it hit me like a brick. Wow, this is really it, she is actually so happy that I'm not even in the picture. I started questioning everything I did in the past and how much I wanted to do the things with her that she was doing in the pictures with this guy. I questioned who I was even, never in my life have I been so tossed up over anything, let alone a girl. I started thinking I could have done this or that, and that if I played it "cool" during the last few weeks I was talking to her, I could have met up with her and "proved" her wrong and made her get back with me, which in all honesty I probably could have. But she is with a guy, so why would someone want to do that if they are already back in love with someone else? HUGE red flag.

 

I find everything I do I'm thinking of her, we had a good connection because we were into the same things, so now when I do those things she is always on my mind. The biggest problem I have had is the fact that I feel like a doormat that was used on the way to the guy she really "wanted". Its hard for me to think that she isn't going to last with this guy, they seem to have everything in common. The feeling of rejection, is the worst...

 

There is another side of this though, something in my head that is coming out and pushing me through all of this b.s. I find myself asking, why do I care? Why do I have her on such a pedestal, almost mythical level? How come I can honestly say I don't want to be with someone like that but I still think so much of her?

 

What I have found out is all of this is very simple, just not simple to feel. If you are with someone and there our issues, you feel hurt, or its not going the way you want...then something else comes along that is better....are you really not going to take it, or at least think about it? I'm not saying its right, but its human nature, I have done it in my life before and I keep thinking about how much I must have hurt them. We always find a way to justify it, but at some point we will all do it.

 

The person who is "moved on" with someone else, is going to be happy, why the hell not? In their head they cant see how someone (you and me) could hurt so much over something that was "obviously" over. I actually did it to my ex before this last one and it kills me now to think about it. We had a fight, some serious issues came up, and in my head it was obviously over and I broke it off. So to me it was easy, I had a normal night and woke up the next day perfectly fine, it was so "clear" to me, but she was hurting because it wasn't so "clear" to her.

 

The point is, we all take it as some cut down. How could they do this to me? When in reality I think its them being human, very rarely are they sitting in their head saying "Hmmm I bet this will tear them up". They are doing what makes them happy and if any of us met someone tomorrow that would do it for us, you better believe we would take it.

 

I'm not claiming to know everything, but I have been on both sides, and even on the bad side I never did anything intentionally, it was just so clear to me why it was happening. While every situation is different, I think this applies to most.

 

I'm sorry for the length but this has helped me to vent and I hope it helps some who are in the same boat.

 

I find myself thinking, wow one day I'm going to be over this, happy and onto to something else a hundred times better, wont that feel great, well why not start now?

[Capital P]

Yea, i was hoping for something a bit more upbeat tbh lol

[whammy]

this is why i dont take women seriously and bounce the second they start acting "weird"