Silver_Tears Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Hi. I am to the stage where I no longer feel like contacting him most of the time. What hurts now is wondering what he is thinking. When he left he said I wasn't as intellectual as he is...and I wasn't as mature...I didn't get "off the farm much". He knew me for a year so why did this stuff have to surface now? He asked me if I would still be friends and stupidly I said yes, although I've been NC for 5 weeks...but now I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who sees me as intellectually inferior and not as mature...honestly based on our personalities it would have made a lot more sense if he said I was too mature as he is the one going drinking all the time. Whatever. It doesn't make sense to me. That has been what is hurting me. I've never had someone say such hurtful things to me in my whole life. And it had to come from a person I had come to love and respect. Basically he called me too stupid for him. He really is a nice guy deep down, I wouldn't have dated him if he wasn't; I'm just confused why he would say those things. Maybe trying to justify his decision?
laRubiaBonita Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 it should make you feel Good that the only thing he could come up with to retort with was that you weren't intellectual enough. he probably was just spouting off. do NOT take it to heart. move on, don't look back.
Leandro Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Yea, I think he's just trying to justify his decision. I can understand someone leaving because they're immature. But dumping someone because they're not intellectual enough?? That's just dumb. That pisses me off.
Fern Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 My ex basically told me that he'd never really loved me - that we'd 'fallen' into living together out of handiness. That cut me to shreds. He had been ambiguous about his feelings for me at a point in our relationship, but we got past that. When he said that to me, at the time, my heart shattered. Now, I think about it this way, it was a lie he told himself to justify his behaviour because he was feeling guilty. Cognitive dissonance. He did love me at one point and for a long time - either that or he's some sort of psychopath to string me along for 6 years. You might never know why he said it. Don't let it get to you.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 The bottom line is it just didn't work out. For some reason he chose to express exactly what was bugging him instead of trying to be a little more genteel about exiting the relationship. Sorry. But it really doesn't matter what the beef is, it just wasn't going to work. Happens to many many people. Don't despair. I have never been with someone I consider to be where I'm at intellectually. (IQ tested in 6th grade at 168 and remember feeling like I wasn't even really trying all that hard). But I see it as a potential "careful what you wish for" scenario. Perhaps someone with my intellect and knowledge will want to compete with me instead of just loving me. I would hate that. So, I expect that a woman is going to be who she is and I can't "control" that. My longest term relationship was with someone who wasn't hip at all to the things I know about. But she admired me and I just loved her and that was enough. There were other reasons we parted but she bailed on me and had she not, we'd probably still be together. I loved her. She was a great home-maker.
Author Silver_Tears Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 Yeah, what bothers me though is I am not stupid. I believe there are different levels of intelligence and stuff, I'm not sure of my IQ. But I did graduate 3rd in my class out of 100 students and I'm currently attending college and have made the dean's list several times. I guess it just hurts that someone you care about would say that. And its not like he was the king of intelligence either...haha sorry I'm just a little bitter about this whole thing.
laRubiaBonita Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Yeah, what bothers me though is I am not stupid. I believe there are different levels of intelligence and stuff, I'm not sure of my IQ. But I did graduate 3rd in my class out of 100 students and I'm currently attending college and have made the dean's list several times. I guess it just hurts that someone you care about would say that. And its not like he was the king of intelligence either...haha sorry I'm just a little bitter about this whole thing. so i was right- he was just saying it to hurt you, and it did. but do not let it get to you anymore.... do not let him win.
Leandro Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 (edited) Yeah, what bothers me though is I am not stupid. I believe there are different levels of intelligence and stuff, I'm not sure of my IQ. But I did graduate 3rd in my class out of 100 students and I'm currently attending college and have made the dean's list several times. I guess it just hurts that someone you care about would say that. And its not like he was the king of intelligence either...haha sorry I'm just a little bitter about this whole thing. NOO. You're not dumb. I graduated 96 out of 340 students I think. I'm also on the dean's honor list. My ex is ranked 60 of her class and she was a sophomore when she got that ranked, so I feel like I wasn't smart enough for her. I don't care anymore. I'm very smart, just never applied myself. He probably said that to get you off of him. Ignore it. Edited December 16, 2010 by Leandro
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 (deep breath) Should we assume that all couples are intellectual equals? Or should we go ahead and guess that it is rare that IQ scores would land on the exact same number? As I understand it, Heeeeeeeeeeeeee hasn't called you "stupid" directly, and nothing you've said has made it certain that he couldn't be "intellectually superior". So lets separate the detailed facts from the underlying problem which is his putting you down (in any fashion, lets say) routinely both during and since the end of your relationship. Lets chalk it up to good instincts on your part for getting out and staying out of a relationship with any such person, based ONLY on the very idea that he would PUT YOU DOWN in any context while once simultaneously wanting to be intimate with you on at least some level. That just isn't how you treat somebody, and IF indeed one side is more intelligent than the other, that will be more clear over time, and need not be tracked on a scorecard on the shared refrigerator door. (now if it is golf... then it's game-on for the door of the fridge)
TaraMaiden Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 The other factor is that alcohol rots the brain. He may believe you're less intellectual, but he's actually more stupid.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Yeah, what bothers me though is I am not stupid. I believe there are different levels of intelligence and stuff, I'm not sure of my IQ. But I did graduate 3rd in my class out of 100 students and I'm currently attending college and have made the dean's list several times. I guess it just hurts that someone you care about would say that. And its not like he was the king of intelligence either...haha sorry I'm just a little bitter about this whole thing. You could also take it that he meant you're just not into or as passionate about the things he's into. That could come out the wrong way and make it sound like he's saying you're intellectually beneath him ("stupid" was your interpretation). Obviously you're not stupid. But incompatitbility issues eventually come out. Not sharing the same interests or caring to learn what fascinates the SO would be typical of incompatibilities which lead to loss of affection, loss of respect or, at worst, the onset of contempt. Is it possible that it's just that you have different interests? If so, you could stop internalizing the "lesser than" scenario and maybe just give him some bad style points for not conveying that you're on different wave-lengths (thereby making him "less than" YOU ).
paleblue Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 M'eh... try not to take it so hard. That's kinda a stupid thing to say to someone. If he was so smart he would not have said that, ya know? He doesn't really know what he is saying.
Graceful Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Silver Tears, It's a huge disappointment at the end of a relationship when the person who breaks up with you (which is painful enough) decides to put a few nails in the coffin at the same time. You have to take it from whence it came, from someone who probably feels a little guilty for hurting you. At the same time, sometimes people "project" their own issues onto another person and make accusations that are really about themselves. This would mean there is a chance he actually saw you as a bit of a threat b/c you have been successful in your studies and you are smart. Some people have to put someone else down to feel better about themselves. That's a sad reality. I have a feeling that is what your ex did. In my own experience, my ex became very jealous of me, all the things he liked about me, he turned into negatives toward the end. So don't let it get you down. He's not worth it. Also, when someone breaks up with you, they're not your friend. Maybe later, but not now. Friends don't turn their back on you, and hurt you. So no friendship there. Be done with him. Take care.
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