ame Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 has any1 done the no contact rule and won back there ex? if so did it last or soon fall apart? did it make it harder to get back with your ex? please share cuz im thinking of starting the nc today! ta x (i want my ex back)
Defiler89 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 It works if she dumped you for another guy , and if u were in a long relationship, you are still in her heart , but don't show her that u feel bad and devastated , ignore her , go on dates with other girls and she will feel bad and guilty and contact you , then do whatever u like
poorguy Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 NC, after some time has gone by, is like flying first class. As opposed to having contact with them which is the like traveling on a camel through the desert. If you want your ex back it is truly the only way to reconcile after some time has gone by. Like everyone here will tell you though it is in time and you will see for yourself if you use it, is desgined to make you feel better and move on. The one side affect it does have is it does make them curious and they will contact you, but you must ignore them
WTRanger Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 No contact is not to win your ex back. It's for you. If you play it like a silly game, you'll be stuck in limbo for the rest of your life. Use it for you. Obviously, something broke you two up so use this time to fix yourself. Only after you've fixed yourself can you really tell if you want your ex back in your life. Anything other than that is just useless pining away.
hART Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 I agree with WTranger. NC makes it easier to get over the relationship and work on you. Plus, if she broke it off, then it will give her time to reflect.
GreenPolicy Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 No contact is not to win your ex back. It's for you. If you play it like a silly game, you'll be stuck in limbo for the rest of your life. Use it for you. Obviously, something broke you two up so use this time to fix yourself. Only after you've fixed yourself can you really tell if you want your ex back in your life. Anything other than that is just useless pining away. The way I see it, it's to heal and move on. When relationships get rekindled, it's because the dumper has had a change of heart and the dumpee agrees to take them back. They don't come back because of NC, but NC does two things: 1) helps you heal and move on 2) prevents you from sabotaging a broken relationship that has a chance to be rekindled.
Leandro Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 The way I see it, it's to heal and move on. When relationships get rekindled, it's because the dumper has had a change of heart and the dumpee agrees to take them back. They don't come back because of NC, but NC does two things: 1) helps you heal and move on 2) prevents you from sabotaging a broken relationship that has a chance to be rekindled. but it also gives you time to fix your problems. It would be a waste of time if the dumper does come back only to leave again because of the same problems.
WTRanger Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 but it also gives you time to fix your problems. It would be a waste of time if the dumper does come back only to leave again because of the same problems. Exactly, and that is the biggest reason why 2nd chances fail. The only time I have ever heard of a 2nd chance working is when BOTH parties have had sufficient time apart, and with other people, to deal with themselves and their own demons.
GreenPolicy Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 but it also gives you time to fix your problems. It would be a waste of time if the dumper does come back only to leave again because of the same problems. It helps if you know what the problems are. There are definitely things I would do differently if I got a second chance. I think I have a good idea of the mistakes I made in the relationship. In my case, she blindsided me and was unhappy with life in general, and didn't want to commit to marriage. I was never confronted with problems in the relationship or things she didn't like. I'm not a mind reader. Five days before she broke up with me she's making a comment in an email about what she wants in an engagement ring, a little less than a month before the breakup she's reminding me that her parents want to meet mine for dinner since they were going to be in-laws, six weeks before she's emailing me suggestions for wedding venues. Obviously something would have to be different for things to work out for good the second time around. There are reasons for a breakup and they don't necessarily vanish with NC. She wasn't willing to confide in me on some of her fears, doubts and concerns. For my sake, I should have realized that just because we got along, did stuff together and loved each other, that didn't mean all was necessarily well below the surface. In my next relationship I will insist on sitting down periodically with my SO to "discuss the relationship." I try not to beat myself up too much because she seemed happy right up until the very end. I'm not an innocent victim because I made mistakes and wasn't perfect, but I read a passage in a book about good dumpers and bad dumpers, good dumpees and bad dumpees. I'm going to exclude situations where there is physical/emotional/substance abuse, or circumstantial breakups where one partner moves to another state for a job or something. Good dumpers make every effort to communicate their concerns to their partners and work with them to fix a relationship, and only end it when they see it's not working out and there is no future. Good dumpees are open, honest and willing to work with the dumper to fix any problems, including going to couples counseling. Bad dumpers are like runaway kids that feel trapped in a relationship and believe that all that is needed for happiness is to get out. They don't communicate their feelings before ending the relationship and don't communicate their reasons for ending things well. Bad dumpees are usually people that have been made aware of the dumper's concerns and problems with the relationship and didn't act on them, or they want out themselves and treat their partners like **** so the partners have to assume the role of dumper themselves.
Author ame Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 we had a row when he was ill and he ended it, we r meeting on saturday to talk and im hoping that the no contact inbetween then wil make him realise how much he misses me and does love me???
TaraMaiden Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 So you're NOT going no contact then.....? Let us know how you get on. That way, we'll all know whether to continue wasting our breath or not. Thanks!
tobydog Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Yer, he was a bad dumper and I was a bad dumpee...........Makes sense that!
Juzzy Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 so what happens if they are the bad dumper? i want my ex back and have now realized after 2 weeks my mistakes
melenkurion Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 No Contact helped me realise that I didn't want my ex back. When he was granting me little crumbs of contact, I was still in thrall to him. NC helped me think far more clearly with less of those chemicals sloshing round my brain confusing me. In the end, NC helped me wake up and see him for what he really is. In time, it will help me heal and move on. That process has already begun.
PowerOfOne Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 NC "worked" on my last two exgfs within 4 months. One i dumped, the other i was dumped. I wasn't using it to get them back (although the one that dumped me i did want back for months after). I used it to get them out of my head and move on. Funnily enough when she came back begging to get back together i didn't want a bar of her. You'll never get an ex back if you're pining for them. It's up there as a law with Electromagnetism and Gravity.
sweet_peach115 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 A few years ago I had been with a guy for 7 months and he ended it because he said he didn't see a relationship with me. He wanted to stay friends but I said "no, I can't be your friend. Just let me move on with my life". I started NC A couple weeks later he contacted me because he missed me so much and he needed me back in his life. We stayed together for 2 and a half years but I ended it with him.
Movingthrough Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I sometimes wonder in my situation how it will end up (I'm NC right now). My ex seems so "happy" with her new guy and has made no effort to contact me for weeks. I have a bday and Xmas coming up and I pretty much know I wont hear from her. It seems like most who go NC always hear back from the ex, that's funny to me, seems like more hear back then don't. What have you guys been doing during the holidays if they make contact? A mature "thank you" or strickly NC?
Leandro Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I sometimes wonder in my situation how it will end up (I'm NC right now). My ex seems so "happy" with her new guy and has made no effort to contact me for weeks. I have a bday and Xmas coming up and I pretty much know I wont hear from her. It seems like most who go NC always hear back from the ex, that's funny to me, seems like more hear back then don't. What have you guys been doing during the holidays if they make contact? A mature "thank you" or strickly NC? My ex seems happy with her new guy to, but she did leave me for him. No contact in a very long time, and when there was contact, I was always the one to contact. I haven't heard from her wither, I don't think I will either. For the holiday? there was a thread made for that earlier I think. But I will be ignoring it, but I really doubt I will get anything from her.
nowwhatnow Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 i was the dumpee, and my ex bf would definitely be a bad dumper. He did not even tell me what he was feeling or ask to fix it, one day out of nowhere he said he was having doubts and needed time but wanted to remain friends. I have tried to remain strict NC except for one work related instance where I had to see him and a birthday text (which i really regret), but since then I have not spoken to him for 2 months. I still want him back but for now am going to take a large amount of time away from the situation (going abroad for work). If I still want him at the end of this almost year away, then I guess im gonna have to ask LS for help when it comes to that. But for now, I just have to get through until I leave. Although I am leaving (and he does not know) I still have this fear that he will realize he has made a huge mistake but I will be gone and he will have no way to contact me to tell me...(its silly, I know)
SimonSerenade Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Seems to work for me, It's basically to get over the person who dumped you and work on yourself, I wish I'd done it sooner, Gives everybody space, I've not felt anywhere near as bad as when I was in contact with her, Sure I wonder from time to time what she's doing and all that but it's not my business and now she's not apart of my business and life's gone from hell to just plain okay and that's better than nothing in my eyes, Not really sure if it works for getting them back though but couldn't hurt I suppose, My ex has contacted me 3 times and I've ignored every attempt, She's bought me christmas presents and apparently wants to come visit me tomorrow to talk about something, I'll ignore the door of course if she comes knocking as No contact has made me realise every little bad thing she did to me and that in return has given me just about enough strength and pride to cut her out of my life all together and I intend to keep it that way. If I was still in contact I guarantee I'd of still been a suck up feeding her compliments and boosting her ego and what ever else and I'd of just been pinning for her feeding on any chance I could, It's about time I realised I was worth more than that, No contact gives you that I feel.
LoveAintEverything Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 No contact is good if you do not want to get back together. If there is no contact, your ex could have a huge change in his life...girl wise..job wise..w.e it may be....so if you do want your ex back I would keep the contact
GreenPolicy Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 If your ex doesn't want to be with you, and you're in love with them, then a friendship isn't possible. NC is the only way to go if your ex doesn't want to get back together. By all means try to work things out, but if they're not interested, then you have no choice but to do NC for your mental health.
homebrew Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Keep it up Green and Simon!!!! You two are great examples to us all... Note to the others... The more you help out all the new dumpees on here, the better you will feel and the more confidence you have in doing the "right" thing in your own situation. You become more passionate about your self-respect and dignity and prevent yourself from making the common mistakes. More or less, you heal quicker and become a better person in the process...
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