Jump to content

My GF is e-mailing her ex, what should I think? email included

safetravel7

By safetravel7
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

safetravel7 New Member

safetravel7

Posted
Posted

Hello:

 

I've been suspecting for a little while that my GF has been contacting her ex, and now I have proof (was able to get into her e-mail). I saw this e-mail and not sure what to make of it. need some help

 

 

So I've decided to send you this email because I don't know if the next time we say hello to each other is going to be 2-3 years from now. I want to be clear on a few things and hopefully you'll hear me out.

Going back 4 years ago when we were together and thinking about that time I can say that being with you was unlike anything else I have ever felt. We had this spark and I began to fall in love with you very fast.

I definitely had a emotional immaturity. It was so hard for me to express my emotions at that time so who knows what you thought.

Again speaking only from my perspective I felt like you were really angry with me and a lot of times I didn't know where that anger came from. I just felt like everything was always my fault.

During one of the last few times we talked/text you told me that u loved me but you couldn't be in a relationship because of school. I really didn't understand that then. (Not something a girl in love wants to hear)

You were always pushing me away..so when you text me that I took it really, really hard and I was sad.

As a woman I replayed our entire relationship in my head and I came up with the facts of what we had.

Which pretty much were I was going to your house at 3 am and our sole form of communication was in text/email. Armed with those facts in my head I told myself that you never really felt that same spark as I and that you didn't really care about me.

So I made a conscience decision to let you go. Not to reach out to you at all and for me to just go on with life.

 

I have certainly thought of you throughout the years and I have wondered how you were doing.

 

So to my surprise when I get a text from you saying that you missed me, I didn't quite get it.

 

I have openly and honestly told you exactly what is going on in my life and still when I ask you a few personal questions you can't give me a straight answer.

 

What could of been with us...who knows..but with a combination of bad timing and a long list of other things, I guess we shall never know.

 

All I can tell you is that I do hold a special place in my heart for you and I have enjoyed talking with you the last couple of days.

 

I hope this holiday all that you do for others comes back to you in a big way.

 

Is she looking for some closure or is she trying to start something. We have been together for three years now, this is a total surprise. Thanks for any comments.

reservoirdog1 Established Member

reservoirdog1

Posted
Posted (edited)

I don't think there's enough information there to be able to say whether or not she's just seeking closure, or trying to restart things with him.

 

However, I'm not sure that's critical. Because what's VERY clear is that, despite the passage of three years, she still carries a torch for him. That's demonstrated by this part:

 

What could of been with us...who knows..but with a combination of bad timing and a long list of other things, I guess we shall never know.

 

All I can tell you is that I do hold a special place in my heart for you

A woman who's fully committed, with her whole heart, to her current relationship doesn't send things like that to an old flame.

 

At the very least, it's highly inappropriate for her to be having those kind of communications with him (and who knows what they talked about in their phone calls), and disrespectful of the place you supposedly hold in her life.

 

I'm generally fine with people maintaining contact, on a purely platonic level, with people they were involved with in the past. But it has to be that -- purely platonic. This is something more.

 

I think you should confront her with it. How she responds will tell you a lot about how you should proceed. If she gets pissed at you for invading her privacy, or gets defensive, that's a MASSIVE red flag -- it shows that she knows she did something that was at least innapropriate, and is trying to shift the focus of debate to YOUR supposed wrongdoing, in order to obscure your attention from HER actions.

 

If she immediately becomes contrite and apologetic and wants to do things to allay your concerns (oh, and cutting off communication with him completely should be an absolute no-brainer and completely non-negotiable), then that's a glimmer of hope.

 

Remember, determining what's "inappropriate" behaviour in a relationship really isn't all that difficult. It boils down to "would I do this if my significant other were standing beside me watching me?" It's pretty obvious that her response to that question in this case would be "no".

 

Good luck man...

Edited by reservoirdog1
AlektraClementine Established Member

AlektraClementine

Posted
Posted

Are you going to tell her that you found this email?

karnak Established Member

karnak

Posted
Posted

All I can tell you is that I do hold a special place in my heart for you and I have enjoyed talking with you the last couple of days.

 

 

RED FLAG!

 

She probably doesn't harbour any passionate feelings for him at the moment. But I suspect, that as soon as your relationship goes through some problems (all relationships do) she'll begin paying longer visits to "that special place in her heart".

poorguy Established Member

poorguy

Posted
Posted

Be careful with it. If you guys are having problems the above poster is right-she may go visiting that special place in her heart more often. Exes are familiar and start to look very cozy and warm when there are problems-That's a fact, you can ask all 3 of mine because they did the same thing by warming back up to me after life hadn't treated them that well

  • Author
safetravel7 New Member

safetravel7

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you for the comments so far....

 

I should also mentioned that at the moment we are leaving in different state than thus guy, so at least I have a little comfort that she won't be going to him at night. But, I also agree that some of the comments on the e-mail are not appropriate. There were a couple of other e-mails were she made these comments..(three)

 

You look cute in your picture. :) It's not so bad taking pictures now is it...

 

which I have to ask are you single? I'm sure your surrounded by smart/beautiful women, just curious.

 

What about you someone special in your life?

 

It makes me wonder why is she asking these questions...

 

Thoughts?

Cracker Jack Established Member

Cracker Jack

Posted
Posted

Honestly, it really sounds like she's still into him. I hope I'm wrong.

Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

Posted
Posted

If the roles were reversed I bet she would not be too happy. I bet she would confront you immediately. What are you afraid of?

  • Author
safetravel7 New Member

safetravel7

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I am actually going to confront her... I think I am just waiting a couple more days to see what other type of emails I see.... the more they write the deeper it gets.... but..when I do... oh boy... she won't hear the last of it!! and here is the worst part, we have a two year old daughter together... so thus why I need to be careful what I do.

karnak Established Member

karnak

Posted
Posted
I am actually going to confront her... I think I am just waiting a couple more days to see what other type of emails I see.... the more they write the deeper it gets.... but..when I do... oh boy... she won't hear the last of it!! and here is the worst part, we have a two year old daughter together... so thus why I need to be careful what I do.

 

UPS

 

She has a daughter with you and is asking the guy if he's single and stuff? Oh, boy... that's a tough one. I admit I'm a bit paranoid, so don't go jumping into any conclusions. This could all be just harmless "female curiosity".

 

But, in the meantime, go paying some attention to the case.

Am So 5crewed Member

Am So 5crewed

Posted
Posted

Dude, if I was you I would hold the cards close to my chest. If there is nothing going on she is going to hate you for checking her email. If there is something going on then it is better to gather all the facts first. If something starts going on in the future then you will find out. If I was you I would keep an open eye and go from there. The plus side is that if you then find out that it is a bit of harmless flirting and he trys to take it further and she turns him down then you know that it was nothing more than a slight distraction and that you can trust her.

Don't show all your cards with out any actual proof.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer......

 

Anyway, what ever you chose to do I hope it works out for you. But obviously if she finds you have been reading her emails she is going to feel violated (with just cause). So I wouldn't let her know you have done that until you actually know one way or the other what is going on

seibert253 Established Member

seibert253

Posted
Posted
RED FLAG!

 

She probably doesn't harbour any passionate feelings for him at the moment. But I suspect, that as soon as your relationship goes through some problems (all relationships do) she'll begin paying longer visits to "that special place in her heart".

 

^^^^^^^^

This

NoLongerSad Established Member

NoLongerSad

Posted
Posted
I am actually going to confront her... I think I am just waiting a couple more days to see what other type of emails I see.... the more they write the deeper it gets.... but..when I do... oh boy... she won't hear the last of it!! and here is the worst part, we have a two year old daughter together... so thus why I need to be careful what I do.

 

You probably won't have trouble getting full custody when she manages to persuade the ex to allow her to run off with him.

Eddie Edirol Established Member

Eddie Edirol

Posted
Posted

Dood! She either is slowly checking out of your relationship, or she checked out already. She should be writing these emails to you! What she is doing is maintaining an emotional relationship with this guy, which means most of her heart isnt with you. So you knocked her up as soon as you got together eh? Thats why shes with you. matter of fact, since she broke up with him just before meeting you, that means she wasnt over him and you were a rebound. You never had %100 of her heart.

 

You better break off for your own sanity now, its only a matter of time until she finds someone local to dump you for. She is not emotionally with you anymore, if she ever was, this was not meant to be. You got sucked into her selfishness.

 

You can confront her with the emails, but only if youre prepared to break up with her. Showing her that you know about the emails isnt going to make her commit to you, it will only drive her further away. BTW, the fact that you felt you had to check her emails meant that this relationship was over long ago. Dont be in denial, admit its over, move on, and let her move in with this guy that she is writing, thats what she will do.

 

The only way to make her want you more is to show her that other women want you. But even that wont work for long.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted

tell your gf its highly disrespectful to you for her to email her X and that if she wants to keep contact with him, that maybe she isn't totally over him and she needs to break up and go explore her emotions.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
You probably won't have trouble getting full custody when she manages to persuade the ex to allow her to run off with him.

 

unfortunately, the only thing that will get him custody, aside from her agreeing to let him have it, is if he can prove in court that she is physically violent, a drug user, or mentally unstable.

 

cheating is not considered a valid reason to declare a mother unfit. It takes an act of god for a man to get custody away from a mother that isn't any of the things I listed above.

 

He could have caught her in their bed with the other guy and photographed several pictures of it and it wouldn't make a bit of difference.

qinboxmail Established Member

qinboxmail

Posted
Posted
Hello:

 

I've been suspecting for a little while that my GF has been contacting her ex, and now I have proof (was able to get into her e-mail). I saw this e-mail and not sure what to make of it. need some help

 

 

So I've decided to send you this email because I don't know if the next time we say hello to each other is going to be 2-3 years from now. I want to be clear on a few things and hopefully you'll hear me out.

Going back 4 years ago when we were together and thinking about that time I can say that being with you was unlike anything else I have ever felt. We had this spark and I began to fall in love with you very fast.

I definitely had a emotional immaturity. It was so hard for me to express my emotions at that time so who knows what you thought.

Again speaking only from my perspective I felt like you were really angry with me and a lot of times I didn't know where that anger came from. I just felt like everything was always my fault.

During one of the last few times we talked/text you told me that u loved me but you couldn't be in a relationship because of school. I really didn't understand that then. (Not something a girl in love wants to hear)

You were always pushing me away..so when you text me that I took it really, really hard and I was sad.

As a woman I replayed our entire relationship in my head and I came up with the facts of what we had.

Which pretty much were I was going to your house at 3 am and our sole form of communication was in text/email. Armed with those facts in my head I told myself that you never really felt that same spark as I and that you didn't really care about me.

So I made a conscience decision to let you go. Not to reach out to you at all and for me to just go on with life.

 

I have certainly thought of you throughout the years and I have wondered how you were doing.

 

So to my surprise when I get a text from you saying that you missed me, I didn't quite get it.

 

I have openly and honestly told you exactly what is going on in my life and still when I ask you a few personal questions you can't give me a straight answer.

 

What could of been with us...who knows..but with a combination of bad timing and a long list of other things, I guess we shall never know.

 

All I can tell you is that I do hold a special place in my heart for you and I have enjoyed talking with you the last couple of days.

 

I hope this holiday all that you do for others comes back to you in a big way.

 

Is she looking for some closure or is she trying to start something. We have been together for three years now, this is a total surprise. Thanks for any comments.

 

 

OKAY, THIS IS A NO NO.

TELL HER ABOUT HIS E-MAIL. TELL HER TO MAKE A DECISION. IT'S EITHER YOU OR THE OTHER GUY. If the other guy then let her go. If it's your then tell her to change her e-mails and phone number and everything and go NC with him permanently.

poorguy Established Member

poorguy

Posted
Posted

There's another thread about this in Dating. Anyway don't worry about it too much. She said what she said. My ex GF has recently sent me the same thing after being broken up for 7 months even though she has a new BF that she got right away after the breakup. Look at it like this, all she really said was blah, blah, blah-or she may as well have. All she wanted form her ex is attention and she got it. It's just an ego thing. She has no intention of going back to him or leaving you for him

samspade Established Member

samspade

Posted
Posted

Exes belong in the past.

 

Your girlfriend should be into YOU. If she's motivated to contact him, her interest level in you is either low or dropping fast. Big red flag.

BlueRidgeMTs Established Member

BlueRidgeMTs

Posted
Posted

cheating is not considered a valid reason to declare a mother unfit. It takes an act of god for a man to get custody away from a mother that isn't any of the things I listed above.

 

He could have caught her in their bed with the other guy and photographed several pictures of it and it wouldn't make a bit of difference.

 

I work in the court system, and this is 100% correct.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
Hello:

 

I've been suspecting for a little while that my GF has been contacting her ex, and now I have proof (was able to get into her e-mail). I saw this e-mail and not sure what to make of it. need some help

 

 

So I've decided to send you this email because I don't know if the next time we say hello to each other is going to be 2-3 years from now. I want to be clear on a few things and hopefully you'll hear me out.

Going back 4 years ago when we were together and thinking about that time I can say that being with you was unlike anything else I have ever felt. We had this spark and I began to fall in love with you very fast.

I definitely had a emotional immaturity. It was so hard for me to express my emotions at that time so who knows what you thought.

Again speaking only from my perspective I felt like you were really angry with me and a lot of times I didn't know where that anger came from. I just felt like everything was always my fault.

During one of the last few times we talked/text you told me that u loved me but you couldn't be in a relationship because of school. I really didn't understand that then. (Not something a girl in love wants to hear)

You were always pushing me away..so when you text me that I took it really, really hard and I was sad.

As a woman I replayed our entire relationship in my head and I came up with the facts of what we had.

Which pretty much were I was going to your house at 3 am and our sole form of communication was in text/email. Armed with those facts in my head I told myself that you never really felt that same spark as I and that you didn't really care about me.

So I made a conscience decision to let you go. Not to reach out to you at all and for me to just go on with life.

 

I have certainly thought of you throughout the years and I have wondered how you were doing.

 

So to my surprise when I get a text from you saying that you missed me, I didn't quite get it.

 

I have openly and honestly told you exactly what is going on in my life and still when I ask you a few personal questions you can't give me a straight answer.

 

What could of been with us...who knows..but with a combination of bad timing and a long list of other things, I guess we shall never know.

 

All I can tell you is that I do hold a special place in my heart for you and I have enjoyed talking with you the last couple of days.

 

I hope this holiday all that you do for others comes back to you in a big way.

 

Is she looking for some closure or is she trying to start something. We have been together for three years now, this is a total surprise. Thanks for any comments.

 

 

Print this off, give it to her, wait for her to realize its the email she sent her X...then tell her, "go disrespect some other poor sap...goodbye".

 

then walk off and break contact with her.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
I work in the court system, and this is 100% correct.

 

and I know this because I lived it. I had the best attorney in town, and he advised me when I wanted to get my kids that all I'd be doing is wasting alot of time and paying him alot of money. he said I will lose because I have a "dick"

PeaceBwithU New Member

PeaceBwithU

Posted
Posted

The emails are inappropriate no matter what. That she has met him without telling you is damning. She is having at the very least, an emotional affair with her ex. Check out the seven signs of Love - she may not have any for you http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/building-great-marriages/201001/how-will-i-know-i-am-really-in-love

 

That you have a child with her is the problem.

 

If there was no child involved, I would say RUN. This lady is damaged goods. She took crap from her ex before (never talked - he got sex 3am etc) and is all set to continue this pattern for the rest of her life. She does not appreciate or love a nice guy - she lacks self respect and falls for people who manipulate her. She has no clue what love is all about. She never learnt it - divorced home, poor relations with parents, parents with addictive personalities, and so on. The million reasons why we end up screwed. Unfortunately for her, she has been damaged.

 

Now with the child you have a tough decision. The courts will rarely give custody to fathers. So (1) you may want to give this gig another shot or (2) if she is willing to give you custody of your daughter, take her and RUN.

 

The best way is if she is willing to get counseling and is open to change. She has to undo the damage . Her email to her ex are just symptoms of her damage. But before anything, you need to be open with her about what you know and as a precondition to anything, she must stop all contact with her ex. She is addicted to her ex and he meets some need she has. The only way forward is cold turkey.

 

Most of all, it has nothing to do with you. Your misfortune was that you got involved with her. You may want a more realistic appraisal of why you ended up this her.

 

Mother Teresa helped lepers and the dying - perhaps you can help this damaged woman. But make sure you can handle it, else you could end up damaged as well.

Darren Steez Established Member

Darren Steez

Posted
Posted

I'm hearing a lot of nonsense here, the fact is you are a doormat and this girl can get away with email her ex and reminiscing about the past talking about special places in her heart...and what of you this entire, while she's sitting there thinking about what to right, delving into these feelings where were you in her heart? Its very very simple, she shouldn't be writing this if she was 100% committed to you, yes she's still the same girl, she talks to you normally, is affectionate and you're her man but dude, she's emailing another bloke. All this nonsense about invasion of privacy and she'll be mad if she finds out you've been reading her mail is bollocks. This is a form of disrespect, it disrespects you and it disrespects your relationship and now it places doubts on your relationship because now you're checking her mail looking for more answers. You need to get this out into the open, confront the situation otherwise you'll forever be checking her mail and next time she gets a text message you'll be wondering who's texting her too, phone calls, what next following her in her car? where does it stop? and that's all because the trust is being eroding by this action, you doubt her feelings, her motives and that's not good. I don't know what kind of guy you are, maybe you feel yourself to be a nice guy, maybe she knows this too, but its not about being nice, you're investing your heart and soul in this woman, the mother of your kid now less, she's overstepping the boundaries, let her know this. Dont take any mess. good luck

poorguy Established Member

poorguy

Posted
Posted

I still don't think what she did was right by any means, but I still feel like her emails didn't mean sh_t. My ex Gf has sent me emails just like the ones he got all while she has a new BF she's living with. It never meant she wanted to come back or begin a new relationship with me. They were just her venting and looking for attention. Her new guy really wasn't in any danger-it was just email

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...