How do we spice things up?

[riz72]

So, my gf and I have been together for over 2 years now. First off, I should start by saying we're both virgins, and we'd like to keep it that way.

 

But we've always made out, and we always had amazing physical chemistry. We were long distance for about 1.5 years and anytime I was back we would make out and just have great chemistry.

 

But in the last couple of months it just seems like she's getting bored. Like, there may be a quick peck, but that's about it... doesnt' seem like she wants to engage in anything and it just has me confused. And I tried the whole distance thing a bit, and I think she still finds me attractive, we're very much in love, just something missing I guess.

 

Is it because it's the same old routine kinda thing? None of us have our own place so it's usually just making out in a car I guess or a movie theatre.

 

The reality is though, a lack of physical chemistry can cause problems down the line, something which neither of us would want.

 

Perhaps things are just too predicable? I'm always the 1 to make the move, because I think that's just the way she is (she's a little shy).

 

Also, it's not like we can go for a walk in the park either because the weather is freezing/snowing outside too and she gets cold easily.

 

She doesn't eat the healthiest all the time, is that affecting her libido you think?

 

To me it just seems like things are a little predictable, but I don't know how to get out of that cycle or kinda spice things up?

 

Suggestions?

Edited December 16, 2010 by riz72

[Str8noChaser]

As virgins, how far do thins go physically? Do you stop at kissing? Do you manually stimulate each other? Do you do that to climax? Do you both do oral?

 

Need to know the parameters of how far you both feel comfortable going before a reasonable suggestion can be offered.

[Feelin Frisky]

Shoulda been screwing her all along. What? are you going to live forever?

Relationships all have a honeymoon phase. Maybe that's all we get sometimes. So, get it ALL while it's there because it doesn't come a second time. That's my two coppers.

[riz72]

As virgins, how far do thins go physically? Do you stop at kissing? Do you manually stimulate each other? Do you do that to climax? Do you both do oral?

 

Need to know the parameters of how far you both feel comfortable going before a reasonable suggestion can be offered.

 

heavy kissing, french kissing, feeling each other's bodies up, so no to stimulation or anything beyond that.

 

But many different types of kissing, kissing each other's neck's etc.

[riz72]

I guess the thing is also, I'm able to be pretty open about my feelings, turn ons etc. She's pretty shy and reserved about that kind of stuff. I've asked her before what her fantasies are and she says she doesn't have any (about me or celebrities or whatever) but I don't know if she's just embarrassed or if she truly doesn't.

[TaraMaiden]

No wonder boredom has set in....

Over 2 years and only this?

 

She's beginning to see you like a brother, or good friend.

Trust me, all this "promise-laden" making-out can actually, after a while, drive people apart, because all the promising signs are just that.

 

Signs.

 

No action?

No deal.

The novelty has worn off, and she's frankly getting tired of it.

[Linda9999]

I also wonder if, whether she can admit it or not, she would rather that the two of you didn't remain virgins any longer.

[riz72]

We're bothing doing it for religious purposes (Both of us want to remain virgins till after marriage).

 

Is there anything else you can suggest? Perhaps something over the phone, pictures I/she can take?

[Lakeside_runner]

This thread made me think of Family Guy:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbO9EU3rwZg

[riz72]

lol thanks!

[TaraMaiden]

We're bothing doing it for religious purposes (Both of us want to remain virgins till after marriage).

 

Big mistake.

massive.

HUUGE.

 

So you fall in love, stay virgins (go through what you're going through now, but persevere because you believe it to be right) get married - then find you are completely sexually incompatible.

There are countless thousands, tens of thousands, of Christians who did not remain celibate before marriage.

hell, I used to be a devout Christian, and I had sex before marriage - and thank goodness I did!

 

I don't understand the point.

Really I don't.

What the hell are you saving yourself for, if when you have sex with your new spouse, you realise the whole thing just sucks and you made the most god-awful mistake?

 

What is the point of remaining a virgin?

 

Waste of time.

Really, it is....

 

Is there anything else you can suggest? Perhaps something over the phone, pictures I/she can take?

 

Have sex.

Really.

It will either make it or break it.

If it makes it, no matter what happens, you have already found the right girl, and everything will be fine, dandy and happy.

If it breaks it - better to know now.....

[riz72]

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it, but it's not for me and we're not ready for that.

 

Thank you though.

[Str8noChaser]

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it, but it's not for me and we're not ready for that.

 

Thank you though.

 

OP, I'll respect you and your ladies decision to stay virgins. It's your life, live it how you see fit and like most of us, whatever consequences we face based on our choices, well, you live and learn.

 

That said. How far are you both willing to take things? You want to stay in the realm of kissing? and...when do you guys plan to get married?

Edited December 17, 2010 by Str8noChaser

[riz72]

We've had some really passionate make out sessions, with her sitting on my lap etc., but not much farther I don't think. But I mean, I don't know if it's the way we kiss. I mean, as a guy, I always wanna make out with her obviously, but I guess it's predicable when I'm dropping her home, or if we're at the theatres for eg.

 

We don't have a set date or anything for marriag,e but we see that in our future and have discussed it.

 

I guess I want to be more spontaneous, but I have no ideas.

[Str8noChaser]

Ok, you still aren't really saying if you want ot go beyond kissing. I mean are you looking for more creative ways to kiss her? Ways to surprise her with the makeout sessions?

 

I went back and reread your OP, and you stated it's been downgraded to just pecks and she doesn't initiate. After 2 years, do you two have open discussions about your sexual relations? Is she stressed? Depressed? Been gaining weight?

 

Is she open to mild role play? Do you both drink or are you opposed to that for religious reasons too?

 

There are tons of sexual board & card games you can buy and play with. You can also try mild toys (feathers etc) I mean you can be really creative, even without intercourse, but if she is no longer sexually into you, you need to get to the root cause of that before you attempt anything else.

 

One more thing, are you sure she hasn't found someone else? Harsh and I hope not, but sometimes when a woman no longer wants her guy, someone else may be in the picture.

[Pfiend101]

oral sex. or anal sex on her part. Only solution IMO.

[riz72]

Just had a long conversation about the subject with her.

 

Turns out she doesn't even want to make out with me..... I know she has a lot of things on her mind, but she's usually a lot more energized when she's busy.

 

She doesn't really fantasize about me or anyone for that matter. But she still finds me attractive. It just seems like things are either a little wild, or just very tamed. Like a month or so ago we had an erotic chat on the phone, and once in a while it's a very heavy makeout session that SHE wants.

 

Girls are complex creatures. Could it be that she just subconciously plays hard to get. Meaning that if I don't initiate it, that's when I'm most attractive? :S

[riz72]

Ok, you still aren't really saying if you want ot go beyond kissing. I mean are you looking for more creative ways to kiss her? Ways to surprise her with the makeout sessions?

 

I went back and reread your OP, and you stated it's been downgraded to just pecks and she doesn't initiate. After 2 years, do you two have open discussions about your sexual relations? Is she stressed? Depressed? Been gaining weight?

 

Is she open to mild role play? Do you both drink or are you opposed to that for religious reasons too?

 

There are tons of sexual board & card games you can buy and play with. You can also try mild toys (feathers etc) I mean you can be really creative, even without intercourse, but if she is no longer sexually into you, you need to get to the root cause of that before you attempt anything else.

 

One more thing, are you sure she hasn't found someone else? Harsh and I hope not, but sometimes when a woman no longer wants her guy, someone else may be in the picture.

 

 

This post speaks to what I just posted above. I know she hasn't found anyone else. We're both done university and we're our first kiss and boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

She has been down because she's done school now and hasn't found a job, and is a little confused what she wants to do career wise. And stressed too for that matter.

 

Are there exciting activities that we can do for our dates. Usually we just do the whole simple movie/dinner kinda thing, so maybe that's just getting old and predicable too.

[Bridgey]

There are tons of fun things you guys could do for dates. Just get creative. Do you guys like being outdoors? Go for a bike ride, or maybe a short hike. Or stay home and cook dinner together. Me and my ex used to love doing little arts and crafts together, then we'd give the things we made to each other

I have to say, it seems strange that she doesn't even want to make out with you anymore. Even with a religious background, she's still human, and humans have sexual urges. It's a fact of life. You are going to want to get to the bottom of this and soon, becsause it's going to start eating at your relationship. Having more fun (not physical) in your relationship should help though!

[impz]

Just had a long conversation about the subject with her.

 

Turns out she doesn't even want to make out with me..... I know she has a lot of things on her mind, but she's usually a lot more energized when she's busy.

 

She doesn't really fantasize about me or anyone for that matter. But she still finds me attractive. It just seems like things are either a little wild, or just very tamed. Like a month or so ago we had an erotic chat on the phone, and once in a while it's a very heavy makeout session that SHE wants.

 

Girls are complex creatures. Could it be that she just subconciously plays hard to get. Meaning that if I don't initiate it, that's when I'm most attractive? :S

 

Well, coming from someone who decided not to have sex before marriage (not for religious reasons, just a promise between the two of us), I understand you fully. Not everyone comes with the background of TaraMaiden where virginity and chastity are not seen as anything important. There are people out there with a more conservative outlook, hence I respect your decision since both parties agreed to this arrangement.

 

We did face problems with intimacy when she is stressed at work. She used to work in a very stressful environment, and being busy causes a bit of depression and a suppression of sexual feelings. It is not the exact scenario, but it seems that your girlfriend might be the type of girl that gets fixated on her own issues to the point that her sexual urges are repressed at the moment. You mention about her not getting a job. That could lead to her not being interested to do anything that has little relation to her immediate needs.

 

One thing is to help her find a job (if you can). Also, try out something fresh. Make her handmade gifts or something to surprise her like a homemade dinner. Propose several interesting ideas, and ask her to give input too. It takes both parties to freshen up the relationship if it is stale.

[Str8noChaser]

Are there exciting activities that we can do for our dates. Usually we just do the whole simple movie/dinner kinda thing, so maybe that's just getting old and predicable too.

 

Sounds like you are making a bit of progress. Congrats! As for non movie/dinner date ideas:

 

Museum

Play

Walk in Park (yes even in cold winter, get warm with hot choclate later)

Rent a cabin for the weekend

Hiking

Adult Game environment (Dave & Busters)

Poetry/Jazz/Music/Spoken Cafe

Camping

Walk around a mall you never been to before

Gun range

Bowling

Ice Skating

Pool, Darts

Take a dancing class. A cooking class.

Do indoor mountain climbing

Roller Rink

Short road trip to a nearby town or city

 

Even dinner and movie can be spiced up. Try a foreign movie you never saw before, somethign with subtitles, a kid movie (if you guys tend to see the same type of movie) Or dinner at an ethnic restaurant or a type of food you've never tried before. Get super duper dressed up and treat it like a prom nite (if you guys tend to just go casual).

 

Not sure how big your city is, but most cities have alternative papers that lists off the beaten path type of events. There is TONS of stuff outside of dinner/movies. Good luck to you both!

[riz72]

Well, coming from someone who decided not to have sex before marriage (not for religious reasons, just a promise between the two of us), I understand you fully. Not everyone comes with the background of TaraMaiden where virginity and chastity are not seen as anything important. There are people out there with a more conservative outlook, hence I respect your decision since both parties agreed to this arrangement.

 

We did face problems with intimacy when she is stressed at work. She used to work in a very stressful environment, and being busy causes a bit of depression and a suppression of sexual feelings. It is not the exact scenario, but it seems that your girlfriend might be the type of girl that gets fixated on her own issues to the point that her sexual urges are repressed at the moment. You mention about her not getting a job. That could lead to her not being interested to do anything that has little relation to her immediate needs.

 

One thing is to help her find a job (if you can). Also, try out something fresh. Make her handmade gifts or something to surprise her like a homemade dinner. Propose several interesting ideas, and ask her to give input too. It takes both parties to freshen up the relationship if it is stale.

 

Thank you very much. And that is an accurate description of her. I've sent her some job links, I guess I can do that more. We both live with our respective families, so the dinner suggestion (while great), isn't exactly possible.

 

And thanks Str8noChaser. We went salsa dancing last year and I suggested it again and she wants to go ice skating so perhaps we'll do that. I was actually looking for a place that has international films, couldn't find one really. I'm in the Toronto area, so definitely some ethnic food places.

 

Will try the prom night idea next week. The funny thing is, I know how we feel about each other, I just hope we haven't hit a ceiling. And having limits is fine with me, as long as I know that she's attracted to me still we're good.

 

Keep the suggestions coming though, I'm sure I won't be the only one with this problem and they're definitely helping.

 

Question: Should I play hard to get at all? Physically or just communication wise by calling less or anything like that?

[impz]

Thank you very much. And that is an accurate description of her. I've sent her some job links, I guess I can do that more. We both live with our respective families, so the dinner suggestion (while great), isn't exactly possible.

 

And thanks Str8noChaser. We went salsa dancing last year and I suggested it again and she wants to go ice skating so perhaps we'll do that. I was actually looking for a place that has international films, couldn't find one really. I'm in the Toronto area, so definitely some ethnic food places.

 

Will try the prom night idea next week. The funny thing is, I know how we feel about each other, I just hope we haven't hit a ceiling. And having limits is fine with me, as long as I know that she's attracted to me still we're good.

 

Keep the suggestions coming though, I'm sure I won't be the only one with this problem and they're definitely helping.

 

Question: Should I play hard to get at all? Physically or just communication wise by calling less or anything like that?

 

Quick tip: Get your parents out of the house (Say something about spending alone time for them, bribe them with some cash) and then have a nice 2 hour romantic homemade cooking in your house. Voila, all fixed! I did that before and she felt so relaxed.

 

I will say you need to work slightly more. Try to understand what kind of jobs she is looking for, what are the types of jobs she doesn't like, do a bit of calling for 1-2 promising ones so that she doesn't have to do additional effort to ask for details on those jobs. You won't spend more than 20 minutes of your life at it, she will be so happy you cared so much, you might even have a good rolling time together. You know

Edited December 17, 2010 by impz

[riz72]

That sounds like a good idea. Calling up the jobs. Honestly, I think that's what it is more then anything else. Think when she's not busy like she always is, then she's just down, and I guess when she's down there's no spark in anything really.

 

I think excercise, and eating right will help her libido too, but I think this is the main thing.