How does one do this? little ....

[someday]

I love my H. He loves me. We have a beautiful family and happy life/home. Mostly everything is great.

 

He cheated on me twice in the last 20 yrs. Once a few months after we started dating and then again about 5 yrs ago. The first one didn’t really hurt that much the second was devastating. He’s a good man with anger issues. He was somewhat controlling, still is but not nearly as badly. He’ll do anything to keep me happy. I know him for who he is and love him for who he is.

 

I’ve been in love with another man for most of my life. Never acted on this feeling other than maintaining a close friend ship…which I’ve decided I cannot maintain any longer if I want to keep my M…if I want to make my M a healthy place for both me and my H.

 

I think our issues are related to communication, trust and intimacy. We have gotten much better on the communication (not good enough yet but better). The trust issues are buried very, very deeply in both of us and *some* of that has nothing to do with the M but with us as individuals. He’s just generally untrusting of everything and my trust issues have to do with our intimacy issues (I think). Our level of intimacy is amazing…mostly…except I cannot have the big O with him and that is having seriously negative impact on him…so I get stressed and concentrate and can’t relax…this has been an issue for me for a long time and, truly, he is just now starting to be negatively affected by this issue (guess he started caring more about me?) Anyway, I think that I can’t have the big O with him due the past dysfunction of our R…and I don’t know how to put that to rest or if I even can…

 

Forget about MC he will not go.

 

(Idk how to make this post in both the Marriage and Infidelity sections- so reposted in this section. Hope that ok)

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[imagine]

Since when can the adulterous partner make decisions about an MC. Be carefull to choose one that believes in marriage.

 

The effects of adultery can last many years. Confront it before you can improve your marriage.

[someday]

Since when can the adulterous partner make decisions about an MC. Be carefull to choose one that believes in marriage.

 

The effects of adultery can last many years. Confront it before you can improve your marriage.

 

Since he's got his own mind. I'm not going to ever try to force him to do something if he doesn’t' want to do it...besides I'm not crazy about the idea of MC either. We live in a very small town and do not have a lot of options and I'm sorta afraid of getting a bad MC and making things worse...

 

So...other than telling me that he can't have any choice in the matter and telling me that effects last years...can you help me?? Anyone?

[PegNosePete]

You clearly still have issues concerning his infidelity. What measures have been put in place to ensure it doesn't happen again? Does/did he still have any contact with the OW? Did he rebuild your trust by being completely open with all communications (letting you check his phone, having his email passwords etc)? He clearly did not learn his lesson after the first time; so why would he have learned after the second time? What is to stop him doing it again, knowing that you will take him back every time?

 

You need MC. If he doesn't want to go then he doesn't value your marriage, and you might as well give up now.

 

A WS does not have any choice in the necessary steps to overcome their infidelity. Your word is the law. If he doesn't accept that then you need to show him the door.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I love my H. He loves me. We have a beautiful family and happy life/home. Mostly everything is great.

 

He cheated on me twice in the last 20 yrs. Once a few months after we started dating and then again about 5 yrs ago. The first one didn’t really hurt that much the second was devastating. He’s a good man with anger issues. He was somewhat controlling, still is but not nearly as badly. He’ll do anything to keep me happy. I know him for who he is and love him for who he is.

 

I’ve been in love with another man for most of my life. Never acted on this feeling other than maintaining a close friend ship…which I’ve decided I cannot maintain any longer if I want to keep my M…if I want to make my M a healthy place for both me and my H.

 

I think our issues are related to communication, trust and intimacy. We have gotten much better on the communication (not good enough yet but better). The trust issues are buried very, very deeply in both of us and *some* of that has nothing to do with the M but with us as individuals. He’s just generally untrusting of everything and my trust issues have to do with our intimacy issues (I think). Our level of intimacy is amazing…mostly…except I cannot have the big O with him and that is having seriously negative impact on him…so I get stressed and concentrate and can’t relax…this has been an issue for me for a long time and, truly, he is just now starting to be negatively affected by this issue (guess he started caring more about me?) Anyway, I think that I can’t have the big O with him due the past dysfunction of our R…and I don’t know how to put that to rest or if I even can…

 

Forget about MC he will not go.

 

(Idk how to make this post in both the Marriage and Infidelity sections- so reposted in this section. Hope that ok)

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

Obviously I think you both lack some sort of character. Everyones advise is against your husband...hes this and that. I guess everyone missed the part where you said your in love with another man!

 

Do both yourselves a favour and move on. Does you husband know that your "in love" with this other man...cause if not, your being just as hypocritical as he is!

[someday]

You clearly still have issues concerning his infidelity. What measures have been put in place to ensure it doesn't happen again? Does/did he still have any contact with the OW? Did he rebuild your trust by being completely open with all communications (letting you check his phone, having his email passwords etc)? He clearly did not learn his lesson after the first time; so why would he have learned after the second time? What is to stop him doing it again, knowing that you will take him back every time?

 

You need MC. If he doesn't want to go then he doesn't value your marriage, and you might as well give up now.

 

A WS does not have any choice in the necessary steps to overcome their infidelity. Your word is the law. If he doesn't accept that then you need to show him the door.

 

I’m not going to ever force him into MC if he’s not willing to go of his own free will. I’m not that person, I’ll never be that person. He’s either going to give to me freely or not at all. Which makes it harder for us to really get thru this…but this simply is who I am and I’m not going to be someone I’m not. He has a choice. He’s a grown man, he has his own mind. Besides if I have to force him to do this then how will I ever really know that he’s really in it? Messed up thinking on my part?

He’s rebuilt my trust in him. NC in place, he’s open and honest with me. I have access to everything. When she was pulling her nutty stuff and obsessively calling him he let me listen to everyone of the VMs…he’s told me when she showed up at his work or when she’s calling him at his work…which I’d have never found out if he didn’t tell me. He’s bent over backwards to make me happy to rebuild trust and to be a better man. I trust him to be himself. Nothing more - nothing less.

I think it really does boil down to my thought that no matter what I do, what he does or says…I’m never really going to trust him. Because of before. No I will not ALWAYS take him back, so please don’t imply that about me- it makes me feel bad. Like a door mat…and that makes me feel like leaving him…and I think that this is my pride talking…idk.

The first time it wasn’t that bad because I didn’t love him that much. Now that sounds messed up, but its true. We got back together and I got pregnant with our first child. So then I became much more invested in him, in us. The xOW that time wasn’t interested in more than a FWB type of R with him.

The second time was much worse on me, on us, on him. I took him back because I do love him and because of our children. My desire to have them raised in an intact home. Now before anyone jumps all over me for that- I wouldn’t stay just for the kids, but that was/is a major factor in my decision.

I told him after the first time that if he ever cheated again I would leave him. And I did. But he came back and I took him back. And here we are.

So basically what you’re saying is to suck it up, live with it as is…since even I don’t want to go to MC then my M is doomed.

[someday]

Obviously I think you both lack some sort of character. Everyones advise is against your husband...hes this and that. I guess everyone missed the part where you said your in love with another man!

 

Do both yourselves a favour and move on. Does you husband know that your "in love" with this other man...cause if not, your being just as hypocritical as he is!

 

Very helpful advice.

 

I'm sure you will not approve or understand, and truly that's ok. I love this OM but think it's really more of a really good friendship. And as you've bolded in my original post I am letting that friendship go. I am actively working towards truly making my M a good and healthy place for both of us. I just don't know how to do it.

[Minnie09]

I agree MC is useless if he's not willing to go. Even if both parties are committed to MC, it is possible that it doesn't help at all. My experience.

Does you H know you've been in love with another man? And why do you maintain a friendship with that other guy? Is your H friends with him as well? I am 100% sure your H senses something. Nobody can be that ignorant for so long. He must be hurting, too.

As far as your sex life is concerned, it does happen that people get married and are not compatible sexually. And never will. I think the sex part is the hardest to resolve. If he doesn't turn you on, he doesn't. MC won't help, therapy won't help. I'm very sure about that. The spark is missing and has been for a long time. You're already overthinking it, and so is your H. Let it go for a while.

Start by communicating clearly about the emotional issues and your "friend". Now that your H is an open book about his OW, you owe him the same. Many doors can open by being upfront in a sensitive way. Go from there!

[PegNosePete]

I told him after the first time that if he ever cheated again I would leave him. And I did. But he came back and I took him back. And here we are.

Yes, here you are. Ultimatums only work if you stick to them. He has learned that your threats are meaningless, and that you will take him back no matter what he does. So why would he bother going to MC?

 

So basically what you’re saying is to suck it up, live with it as is…since even I don’t want to go to MC then my M is doomed.

No, what I am saying is that you have a choice.

1) Suck it up, things stay as they are, he probably has another affair and in a couple of years time you're in the same situation again

2) Go to MC with him, tell him that if he refuses he isn't taking reconciliation seriously enough

3) Get a divorce.

 

But option 3 seems like the best to be honest, since you're having an EA as well. Is this the reason you don't want MC, because you'll have to be honest about your EA? You clearly aren't willing to put in the effort to same your M either. So why are you bothering?

[someday]

I agree MC is useless if he's not willing to go. Even if both parties are committed to MC, it is possible that it doesn't help at all. My experience.

Does you H know you've been in love with another man? And why do you maintain a friendship with that other guy? Is your H friends with him as well? I am 100% sure your H senses something. Nobody can be that ignorant for so long. He must be hurting, too.

As far as your sex life is concerned, it does happen that people get married and are not compatible sexually. And never will. I think the sex part is the hardest to resolve. If he doesn't turn you on, he doesn't. MC won't help, therapy won't help. I'm very sure about that. The spark is missing and has been for a long time. You're already overthinking it, and so is your H. Let it go for a while.

Start by communicating clearly about the emotional issues and your "friend". Now that your H is an open book about his OW, you owe him the same. Many doors can open by being upfront in a sensitive way. Go from there!

 

Well, my H is friendly with this other guy, but (understadably) dosen't like him. My friendship with him amounts to social occasions and talking at those occasions….really it’s all different now after my H’s latest A…OM has always defended my honor ever since HS…this is no different. When H hurt me so badly OM was very, very angry with H because H hurt me. Since then OM and I have not really talked, except this summer. And I just cannot go there anymore. I think…I really think that because of my H’s A, the hurt that caused me, the friendship I share with OM has crossed a line in my head and I can’t have that. I don’t know that my H could deal with that knowledge. So I am afraid to tell him…OM has done nothing wrong except be my friend. I’m the one who let the idea get mixed up in my head.

 

Within my M there has been some serious dysfunction. Controlling behavior, co-dependence and, abuse. I hate to admit this here…anywhere really…this is the first time I’m really just laying it all out there to get some thoughts. When we first started dating our sex life was great….it just evaporated after a number of years. We still have sex, and it’s still good, but it’s not like it was….so I don’t think its that we don’t have the sexual chemistry…I think it really and truly is in my head.

 

I feel so messed up and sometimes unreal. How did I get myself HERE??!!??

[someday]

Yes, here you are. Ultimatums only work if you stick to them. He has learned that your threats are meaningless, and that you will take him back no matter what he does. So why would he bother going to MC?

 

 

No, what I am saying is that you have a choice.

1) Suck it up, things stay as they are, he probably has another affair and in a couple of years time you're in the same situation again

2) Go to MC with him, tell him that if he refuses he isn't taking reconciliation seriously enough

3) Get a divorce.

 

But option 3 seems like the best to be honest, since you're having an EA as well. Is this the reason you don't want MC, because you'll have to be honest about your EA? You clearly aren't willing to put in the effort to same your M either. So why are you bothering?

 

I don't want to suck it up anymore. We are not going to MC. I have faith that we can figure this out together if we can find a way to really talk. I'm not sure how to do that.

 

I'm sure he will not have another A...call me naive but that's what I believe. If he does, then he does and I walk and it's over. We grieve and move on. He knows me much better than you so he knows that this will happen.

 

I don't want a D.

[someday]

Idk....maybe I'm wrong....maybe there is nothing that can be done....maybe I just gotta suck it up and live this way....

[PegNosePete]

Well if you're happy to stay with someone who doesn't respect you and who you do not respect, and neither of you are really willing to put in the effort to fix your M, then that's your decision.

 

Nobody wants a D. We get them because the alternatives are worse.

[someday]

Well if you're happy to stay with someone who doesn't respect you and who you do not respect, and neither of you are really willing to put in the effort to fix your M, then that's your decision.

 

Nobody wants a D. We get them because the alternatives are worse.

 

Wow. So based on the very little information that I've offered you've all the answers to my problems?? You know me, know US, well enough to know that we simply cannot make our M work.

 

I'm of the belief that not all things can be solved by other people, I believe that Western medicine (MC/IC) are good for some people but not for me. So, because of this you believe that my M is doomed, that we cannot respect each other or make a better M than we had before?

 

Listen, all I'm asking for is idea on how to do this...you've offered yours, which I do not agree with...so...what? No one else has anything? No ideas of how to talk? How to do this?? Expect for MC.

 

*sigh* ok. Thanks anyway.

[PegNosePete]

Wow. So based on the very little information that I've offered you've all the answers to my problems??

No but from your responses I think I've figured out another of your problems...!!

 

We advise based on the information given. You can't blame us for your omission of relevant details.

[someday]

No but from your responses I think I've figured out another of your problems...!!

 

We advise based on the information given. You can't blame us for your omission of relevant details.

 

No blame from me to you, just written observation. I believe that when reading an anonymous internet forum it should be a given that one cannot possibly share all the relevant details and the written word can be misleading. I’d think that it is obvious that when responding to a poster one could respond in a general way related to what’s been shared. I could write you a book about my life and my H's life...I doubt the forum mod would be happy if I took up that much space...and even then you wouldn't see it as clearly as I do.

 

And what is another one of my problems?? Probably something negative and hurtful to me...if you must you can share that thought...if you think it will be helpful, please do...if you just want to hurt me and throw more **** in my way, please don't.

 

Thanks for your time, PNP, I truly understand that some don’t ‘get me’ or my ideas so it’s not that big of a deal that you don’t see my POV.

[kuma]

I'm of the belief that not all things can be solved by other people, I believe that Western medicine (MC/IC) are good for some people but not for me. So, because of this you believe that my M is doomed, that we cannot respect each other or make a better M than we had before?

 

Listen, all I'm asking for is idea on how to do this...you've offered yours, which I do not agree with...so...what? No one else has anything? No ideas of how to talk? How to do this?? Expect for MC.

 

someday, don't you think you're in love with the idea of being in love? You should have a serious talk with your husband. You both need to be honest with each other. If you don't want to try MC, you should read books on communication, marriage.

[someday]

someday, don't you think you're in love with the idea of being in love? You should have a serious talk with your husband. You both need to be honest with each other. If you don't want to try MC, you should read books on communication, marriage.

 

Thank you Kuma,

 

I guess this is the extent of help that LS can offer me. Read books, btdt. go to MC- not gonna happen. Talk with H- I do all the time but don't know *how* to talk about this with him...Ok, thank for the ideas/thougths and such. Shoot...i don't even know what kind of books to read....guess I'll just blunder my way thru this...

[imagine]

You need a wonderful passionate marriage where each meets the others emotional needs.

 

Read the articles at marriage builders. Google it. I've been there for three years and still learning. (It's cheap)

[2sunny]

since you have distracted your mind with the "fantasy" of your ideal in your "friend" it has taken up too much space for you to feel "connected" on a daily basis with your H. so that needs to stop so that you MAY try to find a way to intimately connect with your H now and again. this connection will need to be different than it has ever been since your H has now brought pain (the A) to the M.

 

you need to start with being honest with your H. tell him of your emotional distraction and that you wish to find a way to emotionally connect with him again.

 

he also needs to be sure he wants to do the same after having his A. he is most likely distracted as well.

 

you two have a lot of work ahead of you - and since you won't seek counseling - probably the marriagebuilders website is your best guide to reconnecting. change is critical. if you don't begin to change things = it will remain the same.

 

honesty is key. start there.

 

tell your H of your inappropriate thoughts of your male friend. tell the friend you won't be wasting time and energy on him anymore as you need to invest that into your M to see if it can work out. don't correspond or see your friend at all.

 

can you do that?

[someday]

since you have distracted your mind with the "fantasy" of your ideal in your "friend" it has taken up too much space for you to feel "connected" on a daily basis with your H. so that needs to stop so that you MAY try to find a way to intimately connect with your H now and again. this connection will need to be different than it has ever been since your H has now brought pain (the A) to the M.

 

you need to start with being honest with your H. tell him of your emotional distraction and that you wish to find a way to emotionally connect with him again.

 

he also needs to be sure he wants to do the same after having his A. he is most likely distracted as well.

 

you two have a lot of work ahead of you - and since you won't seek counseling - probably the marriagebuilders website is your best guide to reconnecting. change is critical. if you don't begin to change things = it will remain the same.

 

honesty is key. start there.

 

tell your H of your inappropriate thoughts of your male friend. tell the friend you won't be wasting time and energy on him anymore as you need to invest that into your M to see if it can work out. don't correspond or see your friend at all.

 

can you do that?

 

Thank you both for your replies.

 

2sunny, tbh that scares the hell outta me. To tell my H about this...thing...because it IS in my head. I'm not sure how to explain that to him without him freaking out and wanting to beat the crap out of OM. I'm defiantly not speaking to OM anymore. I'm actively avoiding him. But he's still there in my head. How do I get rid of that??

 

Yes, I want to have a M a really honest true fulfilling M with my H...I'm going to check out that other site just to see...

[2sunny]

the best way to take the power out of it is to be honest... speak your truth. have a voice. IF your H loves you like you say he does... then you two can and will work through it all.

 

it isn't much different than your H having that A behind your back... and you forgave him. you two haven't yet worked through the emotional side of WHY you have both chosen to seek outside connections from your M. THAT is what is standing in the way of moving forward - together, or not.

 

how can you expect your H to work on it if he doesn't know what your issue is? that's not fair to him? or to you two...

 

having a man take up your mental and emotional space isn't fair to your H.

 

what has your H been DOING to repair what he did to you and the M? his actions mean everything... words are nothing.

 

what are the details of his A... how did it come to light, and what makes you THINK it may be over? what id he doing to repair what he did wrong?

 

and more importantly - since this all happened... what are you both planning to do to move forward? change is key. IF everything remains the same = you are essentially left with the same broken relationship just moving along with time...

 

your inability to O is mental... blocked by your fantasy of your OM taking up the space in your head. get that out, remove him from your thoughts and begin to move forward = making life look nothing like it has in your past.

 

do you journal? get all thoughts of him out and somewhere else besides your head... you may need to meet with him and allow him to understand that you can't correspond with him anymore. any energy you give to him places the power with him - not your H or your M... so begin to shut that down and focus that energy on your husband - IF that's where you want a happy relationship.

 

ACT by DOING loving behavior and thoughts toward your H - IF that is what you expect of your M. is your husband DOING that for you?

[someday]

the best way to take the power out of it is to be honest... speak your truth. have a voice. IF your H loves you like you say he does... then you two can and will work through it all.

 

it isn't much different than your H having that A behind your back... and you forgave him. you two haven't yet worked through the emotional side of WHY you have both chosen to seek outside connections from your M. THAT is what is standing in the way of moving forward - together, or not.

 

how can you expect your H to work on it if he doesn't know what your issue is? that's not fair to him? or to you two...

 

having a man take up your mental and emotional space isn't fair to your H.

 

what has your H been DOING to repair what he did to you and the M? his actions mean everything... words are nothing.

 

what are the details of his A... how did it come to light, and what makes you THINK it may be over? what id he doing to repair what he did wrong?

 

and more importantly - since this all happened... what are you both planning to do to move forward? change is key. IF everything remains the same = you are essentially left with the same broken relationship just moving along with time...

 

your inability to O is mental... blocked by your fantasy of your OM taking up the space in your head. get that out, remove him from your thoughts and begin to move forward = making life look nothing like it has in your past.

 

do you journal? get all thoughts of him out and somewhere else besides your head... you may need to meet with him and allow him to understand that you can't correspond with him anymore. any energy you give to him places the power with him - not your H or your M... so begin to shut that down and focus that energy on your husband - IF that's where you want a happy relationship.

 

ACT by DOING loving behavior and thoughts toward your H - IF that is what you expect of your M. is your husband DOING that for you?

 

See this is one of the places where I start to get confused about our M. My H’s done everything that I expected of him, even tho I didn’t actually say “do this” he did what he needed to do. His actions match his words.

I’m just not sure…You know sometimes I think I’ve simply detached my emotions too much from him and his actions so as not to be hurt again and again. I’ve built my own inner strength up to a point of…idk…of being impenetrable by him. H does all sorts of nice & loving things for me…and while I love it I also think it’s not real. That it’s ‘show’ from him…somehow…I’m also thinking that this might have been inevitable because of all the past crap that we’ve been thru in the past. Maybe just way deep down inside I’m never going to believe him again. Which hurts.

[imagine]

This shows me that the love language of "service " does not work. There are Five love languages.

 

Google: Five languages of love!

 

There is so much to say here: Stay with Marriage Builders, we have much to learn.

[2sunny]

See this is one of the places where I start to get confused about our M. My H’s done everything that I expected of him, even tho I didn’t actually say “do this” he did what he needed to do. His actions match his words.

I’m just not sure…You know sometimes I think I’ve simply detached my emotions too much from him and his actions so as not to be hurt again and again. I’ve built my own inner strength up to a point of…idk…of being impenetrable by him. H does all sorts of nice & loving things for me…and while I love it I also think it’s not real. That it’s ‘show’ from him…somehow…I’m also thinking that this might have been inevitable because of all the past crap that we’ve been thru in the past. Maybe just way deep down inside I’m never going to believe him again. Which hurts.

 

 

based on what you type - your truth would look like... hmmm, that doesn't work for me, let's try something else...?

 

IF his style doesn't work for you, be honest = say so! speak your truth.