Another Female Friend Vent

[azul]

I’m going to try to keep this as concise as I can, but I am going to include specific examples as I need help with this situation. Let me start off by saying that I am in no way a perfect person. I can be jealous and overly suspicious due to being in unhealthy relationships. With that being said, in the past when I have felt that something wasn’t right in a relationship, I was correct.

 

That fact tends to bolster my ego. I feel justified in trusting my intuition when I feel something is wrong or not quite right in my relationship.

I have been in my current relationship for three years. I don’t have many complaints, but there is one major concern. There is his seemingly constant need for female attention and a female friend.

 

The first issue is easier to deal with in a way because this seems to be transient. There was an incident where he was at work and he recorded a video of a customer’s backside while she was walking out of the store. I found the video and confronted him. He was apologetic and understood why I was upset. I was appeased until the next situation occurred.

 

The second situation involved a co-worker. To make this short, the woman had a crush on him. She would call and text him and try to get him to hang out with him. This went on for about a month before I found out. When I confronted him, he was initially defensive and angry. He basically only came clean when this flirtation threatened his job. He had a few sessions with the higher ups in his company that resulted in them not believing his protests that he did nothing inappropriate with this woman. They ended up firing her and giving him a warning. She continued to pursue him via calls (his cell and at work), showing up at the job, facebook and probably other methods that I don’t know about.

 

Til this day, I still don’t know wtf to believe. I noticed a change in demeanor/attitude and a later time coming home during this time, but I don’t have concrete proof of infidelity other than a few phone calls. I have pretty much let this go, but I’d be a liar if I said the whole situation doesn’t stick with me.

 

The second situation is his female friend from high school. When we met he told me up front about her because apparently it affected previous relationships. He lived with her at the time that we met. I felt like he was a great guy that I didn’t want to miss out on being in a relationship with because of something so petty. I really felt it was a non-issue as I trusted him.

 

In the beginning there were small things like I couldn’t even joke about them being in a relationship EVER. He bit my head off one night when I jokingly alluded to it. (Despite him telling me that he thinks she’s had a crush on him at one point in time. How the phuq was I supposed to take that when he lived with her?) He would get off of the phone with me when he got home.

There was this one day that she got on the phone with me and totally went off about how she purchased groceries that he liked. She talked about how he didn’t have to purchase furniture when he moved in with her because she had everything ready for him. It was so out of the blue. One minute I was on the phone with him, the next she’s on the phone going off about all that she does for him. I was thrown and he said he was too. He said he didn’t know where all of that came from. I explained to him a while after this incident that women are threatened by their relationship because she does things that a girlfriend is supposed to do (while he’s in a relationship).

 

As time went on, he and I got closer and we ended up moving to another state together. He continues to keep in touch with her. When he goes back home he stays with her mom and they hang out. There was one time he went home that really wanted to go because my mom was going through chemo. He just kept saying he really wanted to go alone and he didn’t want to be responsible for entertaining me. My mom asked him to bring me and he said he would, reluctantly. I decided not to go because I don’t go where I am clearly not wanted.

 

The last incident with his female best friend FOREVER is that she sent him picture of her breasts (in her bra). I saw the text in his mail account (yes, I snoop). He claimed he never got the picture to his phone. I went to the store after asking him wtf was the pic about. He text her to ask her why he had a pic of her breasts. She text him back to say she was sorry it was a mistake. He proceeded to say, “Well she works in a bra shop blah blah blah.” I was pissed. He said he understood why and if the roles were reversed he’ d be pissed too.

 

There are just a lot of little things that rub me the wrong way, He craves attention from other women (even though he denies this)and doesn’t understand why I withdraw and don’t want him to touch me. I don’t use sex as a weapon or punishment, but I don’t feel like being touched by someone I feel is still on the prowl on the sly.

 

At this point, I have no emotions towards much concerning our relationship. He makes me feel like I’m crazy and being petty when clearly there is something not clean in the milk. I express my feelings to him, but when he gets defensive or tries to flip it around on me, I shut down; I have no desire to debate with someone who cannot admit their faults.

 

Let me be clear, I do love him. He is a great guy in most ways. He has not treated me as phuqed up as other guys have done in the past. I am open and honest with him, so he is aware of my past failures, hurts and baggage and I am aware of his. This is why his transgressions cut so deep, because he is aware of all that I have been through.

 

Basically, I need to either let all of this go or tell him he needs to move on. I know this, I guess I am just venting, but I am open to advice or interpretations on his and my behavior.

[azul]

I guess I did pretty much answer my own questions. Since the previous post, I've found other things that he's lied about. He does not think lying by omission is a lie.

 

The thing is that I do not engage in this type of behavior. I don't cheat on him. I don't lie to him and I don't hide things. This situation is taking a toll on my already fragile self-esteem. I've really stopped caring about myself and I'm sure that doesn't help the problem. I'm depressed and it's getting harder to have the strength to care about anything.

 

I'm not destructive (self or otherwise0 so no one need ever be concerned in that way. I've been in other relationships that were unhealthy and vowed I'd never sink to those depths again. I'm stronger than I was in the past, but in a lot of ways, I'm still tolerating the underlying b.s. I blame myself for that.

[TheLoveAdvisor]

Yes, maybe you did counsel yourself as you see no one replied... He sounds immature a bit, while you on the other hand may be trying to change something you cant...

You want to move into the future while he drags the past along..>But his past seems to have benefits for him and none for you!

 

My advice is, truly if you love somebody, set them free! If they come back they really love you! If you cannot set them free then you are obsessed which is not healthy either.....

You know what to do! You must do it to set yourself free!

[Stung]

Lying by omission is still lying.

Just because someone's treatment of you is not quite as poor as even worse treatment you've received in the past, doesn't mean it's the best you should expect out of life.

Yes, you did answer your own questions. To put it baldly, he's untrustworthy, and he's hurting you. Look up the term "gaslighting" both here and just in general.

You are still growing and moving beyond past hurts that once defined you but don't anymore. Someday you will look back at this relationship as just another life-lesson stepping-stone on your way up into the sunshine.

 

Let him go and keep moving towards the light.