Where?

[SoMovinOn]

We have such a hard time finding a private place to spend some time alone together. We go to a hotel now and then, but that gets expensive and it seems to make us feel obligated to have sex then. Sometimes we just want to be alone and hang out. Winter makes it worse. At least when it's warm, we can go for a walk in the woods or something.

 

Anyway, I wonder if we're not figuring something out. Other than a hotel or sitting in the car somewhere, where are some good places to go?

[steelknife]

the truth somovinon? nowhere. we had the same prob back then. and i would love to go the mall and all that but you know. he will be seen. how that hurt me!! but it was what the way it was. if we did go to the mall, he would walk 4 steps behind me. that sucks. and we only went once or twice then i balked.

 

we were also limited to motels and in the car. (where to park the car is also another problem..)

 

to solve the prob., i rented a whole one bedroom house of my own so we can have privacy. we had our own little world then for 6 months. that time, it was ok for me. he did his best to come see me each little time he had. but from where i am now, i would never do that again. how lonely at night and week ends and when we have a fight. i am on my own, no one to talk to. and i remember now, so pathetic. i moved to that place on my own. and move out, on my own. xmm didnt lift a finger. he wasnt free to do so. someone might see. duh.

 

i moved out bec of a new job. otherwise, despite the loneliness i would have continued living there. thank goodness i wasnt there anymore when dday happened. i dunno what could have happened to me being so alone and broken. anyway...my answer. no place really for you and mm. remember you are in a secret relationship. public places are a no no. sorry somovinon. =(

[bentnotbroken]

Go to your homes...sounds like if you going to disrespect marriage...go for broke.

[Rose1977]

OK, I am a BGF, but please believe me when I say that I am not here to judge. I am far from perfect and have no room to judge anyone.

 

But your post made me so sad. Don't you feel that you deserve the good parts of a relationship? Being able to go out in public, falling asleep with the person you love, seeing them first thing in the morning, spending holidays with them, etc.? It makes me sad b/c it seems like you are selling yourself short. You (and everyone) deserve more than having to spend time hiding in a car. I'm not being judgemental, I am sincere when I say it really makes me sad for you to feel that is what you or anyone else should have to do to spend time with someone. Instead of a concern being places to hide, wouldn't you want to be able to spend time with someone who you can make plans with like going out to dinner/shows/movies/whatever.... It would make me so sad to be in a "R" of any kind with someone knowing I have to be hidden.

[Summer Breeze]

We never skulked around. We went openly around in my town and a few times in his. It would have been more in his but he did the driving to me normally. We went to hotels but it was for long weekends or holidays. Surprisingly he was only at my home once and I'm single. I don't think I could have done the whole parking lot and walk in the woods thing (other than when it fit the mood we were in at the moment). We met as often for lunches and coffees and did nothing more than talk as we did for sex.

[OWoman]

We have such a hard time finding a private place to spend some time alone together. We go to a hotel now and then, but that gets expensive and it seems to make us feel obligated to have sex then. Sometimes we just want to be alone and hang out. Winter makes it worse. At least when it's warm, we can go for a walk in the woods or something.

 

Anyway, I wonder if we're not figuring something out. Other than a hotel or sitting in the car somewhere, where are some good places to go?

 

SMO, I find this pretty sad. Following behind you in the mall, in case anyone saw you... like some kind of untouchable royalty. It sounds like he has serious guilt issues, which suggests that even when you are together "out of sight" in your hotel room or wherever, he won't really be able to relax with you.

 

I'd question what you're both getting from the R, given the constraints, but if you do think it's worthwhile, you need to consider where you'd feel happy, where you'd want to share being with him... Places that are special to you - like a walk on the beach, or a stroll in the mountains, or eating fish and chips at the harbour... Very busy places, or very quiet places, are likely to be best.

 

With previous MMs, we'd often go to pubs, which have a mix of busy-ness and self-absorption that pretty much guarantees you'll be left alone in the alcove of your choice; or to coffee shops in the centre of town, which are full of business meetings and working lunches; or to expensive restaurants (where people are more likely to go for "special occasions" rather than everyday meals, so you're less likely to have to introduce him to Dave from Accounts and your sister's nosey neighbour ). Later at night we'd go to movies, or jazz clubs, or for strolls along the promenade... Or we'd go away.

 

Sure, it can get expensive - but that's one the aspects of working out how sustainable the A is. Can you afford it - emotionally, socially, financially; can he? And - how long do you want to?

[East7]

 

But your post made me so sad. Don't you feel that you deserve the good parts of a relationship? Being able to go out in public, falling asleep with the person you love, seeing them first thing in the morning, spending holidays with them, etc.? It makes me sad b/c it seems like you are selling yourself short. You (and everyone) deserve more than having to spend time hiding in a car. I'm not being judgemental, I am sincere when I say it really makes me sad for you to feel that is what you or anyone else should have to do to spend time with someone. Instead of a concern being places to hide, wouldn't you want to be able to spend time with someone who you can make plans with like going out to dinner/shows/movies/whatever.... It would make me so sad to be in a "R" of any kind with someone knowing I have to be hidden.

 

You hit it like a hammer! This words are so meaningful and put in evidence how miserable an A is.

 

Thank God we were in distance and meet in "neutral" cities, ( not mine, not hers) and we were free to do what we wanted.

 

Even I don't agree with this kind of life, my tip for you is to go meet and spend a whole day in nearby cities where no one knows you.

Edited December 16, 2010 by East7

[Hazyhead]

We have such a hard time finding a private place to spend some time alone together. We go to a hotel now and then, but that gets expensive and it seems to make us feel obligated to have sex then. Sometimes we just want to be alone and hang out. Winter makes it worse. At least when it's warm, we can go for a walk in the woods or something.

 

Anyway, I wonder if we're not figuring something out. Other than a hotel or sitting in the car somewhere, where are some good places to go?

 

I think what you're hoping for, OP, is a place where you can act as if you would in a 'normal' relationship. However, if this is the type of A you have, you will always have to hide, the place you hope for does not exist with the constraints of the A, and I think you know this deep down. It sounds to me like you want more from this than just sex, so what is it that keeps you there? What do you hope for eventually?

 

At the moment you might not be addressing these issues, and that's perfectly normal, but you will most likely come to do so. Then, when this is the case, you will get more answers here.

[4321sn]

The first few months we would go to a hotel twice a week. We would reserve the room ask for early check in. Spend all day there and then return the next morning until noon check out. After check out we would have lunch.

 

After a while we would go to my house. I had made an apartment for myself in the basement when my XH and I decided to divorce until he moved out. I lived downstairs for a year.

 

Sometimes we would go to his house. Terrible yes but we did. Many times in the winter we would just go to IHOP or starbucks and then sit in the car. It was the lowest part of my life. My XH moved out and things got easier but it took MM 6 months after that for him to tell his W that he wanted a Divorce.

Now things are getting easier in terms of places to go obviously.

Winter is difficult...

[Star_Bright]

Do you live in a small town? ExMM and I went everywhere together -- bars, restaurants... but he was pretty brazen and probably even wanted to get caught. So I never had this problem, ever. Also we would go to his office and on vacations together... are these not options for you guys?

 

I'm guessing you are married? I'm not an exMM came to my house often, which is another reason we didn't have this problem. Then he moved out of his house and we went to the place he was staying almost as frequently as we went to my house.

 

I really don't think I could have done it if it was as you describe. I wanted to spend a lot of time with him and do things that people in "normal" relationships do.

 

I guess I don't have much to recommend except seeing if you can take a trip out of town together, or go to a neighboring city or something where you both won't be seen. It doesn't sound like much fun to me though!! I sure got tired of the affair in its state (as an affair/ mostly hidden relationship although we were open to some people) and we didn't have any of those problems.

[Star_Bright]

Why is your ID name SoMovinOn?

 

Just curious.

[JustAFlyOnTheWall]

I preface this with I have 0 respect for two people participating in an affair. If your marriage is so terrible then GET OUT. There's no excuse. Kids...whatever.

 

Your post makes me sad for you because all women deserve better than a motel. You deserve to be able to go out in public with your boyfriend. You deserve to walk down main street usa holding hands. If you can not do that with your current relationship partner than that is because it is WRONG. If it is WRONG why are you in it?

 

The answer to your question is so obvious. If you have no where to go as a couple, then you shouldn't BE a couple.

[OWoman]

If you can not do that with your current relationship partner than that is because it is WRONG.

 

So... two gay guys walking hand in hand down the street in Uganda - is their R wrong?

A black man and a white woman walking hand in hand down the street in a racist area - is their R wrong?

A Muslim and a Hindu walking hand in hand down the street in Kashmir - is that wrong?

 

Sometimes it's also about context, and prejudice, and not just about "wrong".

[Owl]

So... two gay guys walking hand in hand down the street in Uganda - is their R wrong?

A black man and a white woman walking hand in hand down the street in a racist area - is their R wrong?

A Muslim and a Hindu walking hand in hand down the street in Kashmir - is that wrong?

 

Sometimes it's also about context, and prejudice, and not just about "wrong".

 

In none of your examples was anyone else hurt by the actions/relationships you described...so those are great examples of "context" and "prejudice" as you mention.

 

The people you described would be afraid of the actions that other people would take against them in the situations you described...the affair partner's out on town aren't afraid of what people will do to them out in public...they're afraid of word getting back to spouses, and what they'll lose if they're SPOUSE'S find out. In other words, they are worried about their deception being revealed, rather than revealing the truth that your examples would do.

 

In the case of an affair, there's nearly always someone who either is being lied to, and will ultimately end up emotionally devestated when the truth comes out...which is why dislike of affairs doesn't fall into that same category. Sorry OW, gotta disagree with your analogies on this one.

[BB07]

If you can not do that with your current relationship partner than that is because it is WRONG. If it is WRONG why are you in it?

 

The answer to your question is so obvious. If you have no where to go as a couple, then you shouldn't BE a couple.

 

So... two gay guys walking hand in hand down the street in Uganda - is their R wrong?

A black man and a white woman walking hand in hand down the street in a racist area - is their R wrong?

A Muslim and a Hindu walking hand in hand down the street in Kashmir - is that wrong?

 

Sometimes it's also about context, and prejudice, and not just about "wrong".

 

In none of your examples was anyone else hurt by the actions/relationships you described...so those are great examples of "context" and "prejudice" as you mention.

 

The people you described would be afraid of the actions that other people would take against them in the situations you described...the affair partner's out on town aren't afraid of what people will do to them out in public...they're afraid of word getting back to spouses, and what they'll lose if they're SPOUSE'S find out. In other words, they are worried about their deception being revealed, rather than revealing the truth that your examples would do.

 

In the case of an affair, there's nearly always someone who either is being lied to, and will ultimately end up emotionally devestated when the truth comes out...which is why dislike of affairs doesn't fall into that same category. Sorry OW, gotta disagree with your analogies on this one.

 

 

Gotta agree with OWL, JustAFlyOnTheWall was speaking about those in AFFAIR relationships and that most affairs are kept hidden. Not all.........but MOST.

[woinlove]

So... two gay guys walking hand in hand down the street in Uganda - is their R wrong?

A black man and a white woman walking hand in hand down the street in a racist area - is their R wrong?

A Muslim and a Hindu walking hand in hand down the street in Kashmir - is that wrong?

 

Sometimes it's also about context, and prejudice, and not just about "wrong".

 

Huh? Are you saying they are hiding from their spouses because their spouses are prejudiced? That doesn't make any sense. The hide from their spouses because they don't want their spouses to know about their relationship. It has nothing to do with their spouses being racist or prejudiced.

[SoMovinOn]

Wow.

 

We go to lunch, shopping, out in public...

I was just wondering, other than a hotel or sitting in the car, if people had come up with some ideas on how to spend a bit more time together with a bit of privacy.

 

As for all the guesses about my marriage and affair - it's all posted here on the forum.

 

My wife and I *are* splitting up. We were doing that long before the affair started.

 

I would bring OW to my house, but based on where she lives and works, it would be quite a distance. Definitely not an option for lunch - she'd need to be back at work about the time she was getting here.

[SoMovinOn]

Why is your ID name SoMovinOn?

 

Just curious.

 

Before my affair, my wife (17 years), had several ONS and then an A with my best friend (since we were kids). We attempted R for 15 months... more accurately *I* attempted R for 15 months... before I threw in the towel and told her we were done. Thus SoMovinOn (thanks Kelly Clarkson!).

[OWoman]

In none of your examples was anyone else hurt by the actions/relationships you described...so those are great examples of "context" and "prejudice" as you mention.

 

The people you described would be afraid of the actions that other people would take against them in the situations you described...the affair partner's out on town aren't afraid of what people will do to them out in public...they're afraid of word getting back to spouses, and what they'll lose if they're SPOUSE'S find out. In other words, they are worried about their deception being revealed, rather than revealing the truth that your examples would do.

 

In the case of an affair, there's nearly always someone who either is being lied to, and will ultimately end up emotionally devestated when the truth comes out...which is why dislike of affairs doesn't fall into that same category. Sorry OW, gotta disagree with your analogies on this one.

 

Owl, I'm not disagreeing with your point. I was merely pointing out that the logic used in the post that I quoted - that if it's hidden, it must be wrong - was flawed, since many people need to keep their Rs hidden for reasons other than the R itself being wrong (such as prejudice). It may apply within a particularly instance (and I'm not claiming it does or it doesn't), but as a sweeping statement about all cases, it's a flawed argument.

[woinlove]

Wow.

 

We go to lunch, shopping, out in public...

I was just wondering, other than a hotel or sitting in the car, if people had come up with some ideas on how to spend a bit more time together with a bit of privacy.

 

As for all the guesses about my marriage and affair - it's all posted here on the forum.

 

My wife and I *are* splitting up. We were doing that long before the affair started.

 

I would bring OW to my house, but based on where she lives and works, it would be quite a distance. Definitely not an option for lunch - she'd need to be back at work about the time she was getting here.

 

So, what's the problem then? There is your home when you want real privacy, and in restaurants, shopping, etc., you can hold hands, touch, and have fairly intimate conversations - I do it all the time. Really, the people at the next table aren't interested in what you are talking about.

 

Perhaps there is something you are not saying here, but I don't see the problem if you can spend time at your home and go out in public and you are not looking for other places to have sex. If you explained more of exactly what the problem is, perhaps there would be more useful suggestions. Is it that you are looking for more places to have a lot of physical contact but still keep your clothes on? Or are you concerned about people around you eavesdropping?

Edited December 17, 2010 by woinlove

[bentnotbroken]

So, what's the problem then? There is your home when you want real privacy, and in restaurants, shopping, etc., you can hold hands, touch, and have fairly intimate conversations - I do it all the time. Really, the people at the next table aren't interested in what you are talking about.

 

Perhaps there is something you are not saying here, but I don't see the problem if you can spend time at your home and go out in public and you are not looking for other places to have sex. If you explained more of exactly what the problem is, perhaps there would be more useful suggestions. Is it that you are looking for more places to have a lot of physical contact but still keep your clothes on? Or are you concerned about people around you eavesdropping?

 

 

He just doesn't want her husband to find out. It would mess up their pretty little fantasy.

[woinlove]

He just doesn't want her husband to find out. It would mess up their pretty little fantasy.

 

But he said they go out in public - to lunch, shopping, etc. Maybe it is that they have to act like they don't really know each other in public? I honestly don't know what problem he is alluding to. Now, I'm curious because there is another thread that suggests we should just know without being told. It's not uncommon to want our partners to be mindreaders, but to want anonymous posters to be mindreaders is a bit much! Okay, I'm joking now. But, really, SoMovinOn, what is the problem?

[Star_Bright]

Before my affair, my wife (17 years), had several ONS and then an A with my best friend (since we were kids). We attempted R for 15 months... more accurately *I* attempted R for 15 months... before I threw in the towel and told her we were done. Thus SoMovinOn (thanks Kelly Clarkson!).

 

I see, thanks for the explanation.

 

I must say... your whole sitch in combination w/ your other thread really confuses me. It seems to me, and this is just one Internet poster's opinion, that you are handling the hurt caused by your wife's affair(s) by having an affair with another married woman, which will then cause hurt to *her* husband... another guy just like you. So I must ask, how are your actions as a BS any better than someone who may be what you call a bitter and angry BS? And I'm not claiming those are the only two options (bitter and angry, or doing the same thing that was done to you... I feel there is a middle ground which most BS on LS try to strike, of understanding/forgiving yet still sharing their life experiences and just plain sound advice. I feel like sometimes when people give us advice that we don't like to hear or that strikes a cord, we tend to lash out and call the other person judgmental or bitter, but, if we were to give advice to a loved one, especially based on our own experiences, we would probably be giving that very same advice... Just some food for thought.)

 

FTR I am not a BS, I was an OW. I just don't understand where you're coming from even though I'm trying. I mean, this thread... you ask where you guys can spend time together and then when people give you suggestions you say, oh but my wife knows about the affair and we are not hidden... so then what is the problem? Why not bring girlfriend (I don't think she's OW if your wife knows/ is okay with it... you are OM but she is not OW) to your town or closer thereto, even if it's more of a distance for her, so that you can be away from her husband and spend time together like a normal couple instead of in hotel rooms or in cars, which is what people in a *hidden* affair do? It just doesn't make any sense to me and I am trying to understand it. Not trying to be rude, I just don't get it.

[Star_Bright]

Wow.

 

We go to lunch, shopping, out in public...

I was just wondering, other than a hotel or sitting in the car, if people had come up with some ideas on how to spend a bit more time together with a bit of privacy.

 

Okay, so why did you say this in your initial post?:

 

 

We have such a hard time finding a private place to spend some time alone together. We go to a hotel now and then, but that gets expensive and it seems to make us feel obligated to have sex then. Sometimes we just want to be alone and hang out. Winter makes it worse. At least when it's warm, we can go for a walk in the woods or something.

 

So when it's cold out, you could go for a walk in the mall, and if you are looking for more privacy, a nearly-deserted mall (okay maybe not around the holidays but there are a lot of depressed malls in this economy)... you can go to an ice cream store and sit in a booth near the back, you can go to a nice restaurant and request a dimly-lit and private table.

 

Is the problem just that you don't live together or can't afford to rent a joint place to spend time alone together? If your wife knows about her and she can come closer to where you live so that her husband doesn't find out about you, I don't see why you have any "problems" that aren't typical of a dating relationship where the couple goes out together and sometimes spends the night at hotel rooms and stuff or maybe even their own houses but just don't live together. I am really not understanding the problem, try as I might. I say just go on dates and have fun together, such as:

 

- amusement parks

- the beach or river/ lake

- the movies... preferably an off time so that it's more private, and cheaper!

- dinner

- shopping

- the orchestra or a play or show

- the park! Sit on a bench and talk

- horseback riding

- work out together at the gym or go for a run/bike/hike etc.

- indoor or outdoor swimming

- sporting events!

- play tennis or golf or something similar together, even if for the first time. Or mini golf!

- go bowling... you'll feel like a teenager again

- skiing

 

I mean, those are just my normal dating ideas, I'm not sure what else you want. To me there doesn't have to be *complete* privacy to enjoy spending time with the person I'm with... I enjoy doing things in public as a couple and there are ways to make it semi-private. I don't understand why you guys would go to a hotel to spend the night if you can bring her to your house. I also have no idea how that would work and how all the parties would be okay with it, but hey, if you really can use your house for the spending alone time/sleeping time with your girlfriend then I say don't pass down that opportunity. I say since you have a place you can take her then do that as much as possible and cook her dinner or watch a DVD or just relax at home. Doesn't have to be over lunch, could be on the weekends.

[Owl]

So after the OP's follow up post, I'm thinking that the question has nothing to do with the fact that the relationship is an affair.

 

The request for suggestions (in this case) for a place they can meet with some "privacy" has nothing to do with the need for secrecy...which is a reasonable assumption for anyone to make when an affair is mentioned.

 

Given that, there's no difference between wanting suggestions for this versus any other relationship.

 

So that leaves me confused.

 

If I want 'privacy'...that doesn't equal anything to do with 'public places'.

 

Other than motels/hotels, being in the car, being at home, or MAYBE someplace abandoned or waaayyy the heck out in the country (and none of these are garaunteed)....I don't know where else you COULD have any reasonable expectation of privacy.