IfiKnewThen Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 have been in a very bad and strained marriage for years....its little like we lived 2 separate lives but were together for many reasons. i had an ea (i dont know if thats the right abbreviation for years with someone amazing) but since there was a huge age gap and 2000 miles between us and i had a disability which got worse and i always feared God and didnt want to jump into things......and since i was irritable being in my marriage and with this illness my husband didnt understand...i finally stressed the ea to a breaking point and my very best friend and love finally ended it back in the summer. i held out hope for reconciliation with him for 7 months now..but he is in a new relationship now (another long distant one, with a lady who lives mexico who is staying with him all thru the holidays) i just tried to make a long story short. the wind up is he filled me everyday with hope and joy and love and peace and commitment and friendship for 10 years. yes thats right 10 years. he was going to be with me and me with him...but the stress got too great for him..(understandably)..but he never talked about it and just kept it all in, and finally convertly ended it. became more distant till i knew something was wrong. anyway, we barely spoke after the break up for 7 months now. recently i wanted to send him a christmas gift and tell him how sorry i was about how i let the stresses in my life get to me and how i hated myself for taking it out on him or not making the separation of my problems and disability affect us. my husband actually knew we were friends...but not the extent of our feelings for one another and dreams. now my husband sees me grieving...the loss of this very special unique person..who prayed with me, and fought urges, and was with me thru my mothers lost battle with cancer... i am so grief sticken and i hate the holidays. i feel so lost. even in my own home..because he was here with me....because i couldnt travel with my disability. i sound so pathetic i know. i am so down right now its not funny. its beyond horrible.............. sorry i just stopped and cried my heart out and head off. i am going thru such grief with this loss. its worse then loved ones i have lost thru death. God help me for feeling this way. please tell me someone how to get thru this get over this. i wish this person were horrible to me. what makes it so bad is he was everything to me. he was so good he was like a saint. so help me. i am NOT just seeing good in him because i lost him. my whole family loved him too and feels the loss. he helped us in so many ways. i know this is an unusual situation. it must sound bizzare even. but he was like an angel. i lost an angel. i feel so lost . sorry for rambling. dont know who to turn to...having a real bad night. ps srinks are out of the question for me. i had such a bad experience with one long ago and ...sitting talking to one is not for me. just need someone i can relate to and vs versa and some prayers.
bentnotbroken Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 have been in a very bad and strained marriage for years....its little like we lived 2 separate lives but were together for many reasons. i had an ea (i dont know if thats the right abbreviation for years with someone amazing) but since there was a huge age gap and 2000 miles between us and i had a disability which got worse and i always feared God and didnt want to jump into things......and since i was irritable being in my marriage and with this illness my husband didnt understand...i finally stressed the ea to a breaking point and my very best friend and love finally ended it back in the summer. i held out hope for reconciliation with him for 7 months now..but he is in a new relationship now (another long distant one, with a lady who lives mexico who is staying with him all thru the holidays) i just tried to make a long story short. the wind up is he filled me everyday with hope and joy and love and peace and commitment and friendship for 10 years. yes thats right 10 years. he was going to be with me and me with him...but the stress got too great for him..(understandably)..but he never talked about it and just kept it all in, and finally convertly ended it. became more distant till i knew something was wrong. anyway, we barely spoke after the break up for 7 months now. recently i wanted to send him a christmas gift and tell him how sorry i was about how i let the stresses in my life get to me and how i hated myself for taking it out on him or not making the separation of my problems and disability affect us. my husband actually knew we were friends...but not the extent of our feelings for one another and dreams. now my husband sees me grieving...the loss of this very special unique person..who prayed with me, and fought urges, and was with me thru my mothers lost battle with cancer... i am so grief sticken and i hate the holidays. i feel so lost. even in my own home..because he was here with me....because i couldnt travel with my disability. i sound so pathetic i know. i am so down right now its not funny. its beyond horrible.............. sorry i just stopped and cried my heart out and head off. i am going thru such grief with this loss. its worse then loved ones i have lost thru death. God help me for feeling this way. please tell me someone how to get thru this get over this. i wish this person were horrible to me. what makes it so bad is he was everything to me. he was so good he was like a saint. so help me. i am NOT just seeing good in him because i lost him. my whole family loved him too and feels the loss. he helped us in so many ways. i know this is an unusual situation. it must sound bizzare even. but he was like an angel. i lost an angel. i feel so lost . sorry for rambling. dont know who to turn to...having a real bad night. ps srinks are out of the question for me. i had such a bad experience with one long ago and ...sitting talking to one is not for me. just need someone i can relate to and vs versa and some prayers. 1) now this is a bit much. Worse than the death of a loved one. Wow! 2)You have compared a mere man to a saint and an angel.... You got some major attachment issues. 3) If you put that much faith in God you wouldn't be making a man more than he is. A man helping you cheat no less.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 i didnt mean worse than the death of a loved on. i have been crying. i meant...well when my mom passed i was in deep grief. but i did rationalize that she was no longer suffering. she didnt choose to leave me. no nothing is worse than death. i didnt mean it THAT way when i was typing it out. i meant the unexpected loss from ones ignorance and from rejection...and then the person moving on to someone closing doors. its the only way i can explain it. and youre right he wasnt a saint. thank you that helps some....BUT he was close except that he made the mistake too of falling for someone in a marriage even tho failed. i can not explain everything he did for this family..to help us. and he sacraficed the physical aspect too. anyway i didnt think too many would understand. but you reached out and you were and are helpful. because i need all perspectives. thank you and God bless
Author IfiKnewThen Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 warhorse you are correct. there is so so much wrong with my marriage. i have a bonified disability and and yet my husband is like he has AADD. he says he wont to something one minute than does it another. he betrays me everyday is so many ways. hes a walking contradiction. there no loyality and hasnt been since day one. not with other woman...but with life in general. he would help a strager or agree with them and throw me under a bus. its so hard to explain..because i feel almost limb with grief and need rest right now. but the bottom line is it took him years to understand i have a disability and still he doesnt get it or understand....and he down plays how it affects me....anyway, he and i are so opposite and he is also abusive in sarcasim. he has good qualities but they dont last more than 10 mins and hes another person again. but yes i am upset that i have to face the truth. we dont belong together. yet i need him now more than ever. such a catch 22. ok i have to sleep now. thank you and yes i need God now more than ever. hes been in my life since childhood and God is my only refuge. i have hardly any family or friends. this man has been my family and friend for 10 years. i dont think any other man could have been more devoted and sacrafised as much in many ways.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 ps warhorse thank you for your compassion. i felt your words.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 bent...i am going thru attacment issues too. any steps to take to rid myself of this. i wish i could get him out of my head thoughts and heart. i wish i could yank it out. yets hes the most beautiful memory in my life. i almost want to call him and ask him top please get me thru this like he got me thru every bad situation and prayed with me too. i was afraid to approach him for 7 months. i wish i utilzed that time better. i mean i went away..out of state and tired to get together with some family there. i went to the beach...etc. i tired all kinds of things to heal. watch good happy programs. watch one i could relate too involving loss. i have always been a survivor. but this is the mother load. i can honestly say nothing compares to this grief. why? how to un-attach and i blame myself too. because he was great and i was not. this is the first relationship i ever had in my life where i was not the better person in the relationship. i never had a broken heart like this. i only got real hurt once before and i got over it because i could rationalize and tell myself the guy was a jerk. (because he really was) but he was .....omg i am going to say it again...like a saint. everyone used to say hes soooooo nice. he was. it made him so attractive. name it he did it for me AND for my family too. and for my mom. when she was dying...she got such bed sores in the hospital...and she was in pain. and he held her up in his arms for near 1 hour..till his body was shaking...till they could put something on her to give her relief and give her pain killer. she kept saying i cant belive your holding me up.she was thanking God outloud. he just kept her lifted off the bed and saying it will be alright and praying over her in english and in spanish. i am crying just remembering this. i should have married him. i was immobilized with my problems at the time. everything hit me at once...from all directions. ok sorry thank u
Sidtheskid Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Sweetheart - you are grieving...let yourself grieve. Remember how special you are? Let the chips fall, ok?
pureinheart Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Sweetheart - you are grieving...let yourself grieve. Remember how special you are? Let the chips fall, ok? I share these same sediments, and would ask if he is married? Did he want to marry you? I understand how you feel, I feel priddy down right now also. Christmas is a very hard time to loose a loved one. I went to Walmart tonight, I haven't been out at all due to yet another home improvement project. It was hard...I told God, "well, yet another Christmas without Mr. Right"... I can tell you that things will get better, no matter what...focus on every good thing you can think of, and please keep posting, even if you don't need support...just to talk and share....((((((((((hugs))))))))
pureinheart Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 yets hes the most beautiful memory in my life. i almost want to call him and ask him top please get me thru this like he got me thru every bad situation and prayed with me too. i was afraid to approach him for 7 months. i wish i utilzed that time better. i mean i went away..out of state and tired to get together with some family there. i went to the beach...etc. i tired all kinds of things to heal. watch good happy programs. watch one i could relate too involving loss. i have always been a survivor. but this is the mother load. i can honestly say nothing compares to this grief. why? how to un-attach and i blame myself too. because he was great and i was not. this is the first relationship i ever had in my life where i was not the better person in the relationship. i never had a broken heart like this. i only got real hurt once before and i got over it because i could rationalize and tell myself the guy was a jerk. (because he really was) but he was .....omg i am going to say it again...like a saint. everyone used to say hes soooooo nice. he was. it made him so attractive. name it he did it for me AND for my family too. and for my mom. when she was dying...she got such bed sores in the hospital...and she was in pain. and he held her up in his arms for near 1 hour..till his body was shaking...till they could put something on her to give her relief and give her pain killer. she kept saying i cant belive your holding me up.she was thanking God outloud. he just kept her lifted off the bed and saying it will be alright and praying over her in english and in spanish. i am crying just remembering this. i should have married him. i was immobilized with my problems at the time. everything hit me at once...from all directions. ok sorry thank u You know what, if you want to call him a saint, then go for it....he sounds like a really nice guy....hey, hugs again and my heart really goes out to you...I mean that too BTW....you are so in my thoughts and prayers....
bentnotbroken Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 bent...i am going thru attacment issues too. any steps to take to rid myself of this. i wish i could get him out of my head thoughts and heart. i wish i could yank it out. yets hes the most beautiful memory in my life. i almost want to call him and ask him top please get me thru this like he got me thru every bad situation and prayed with me too. i was afraid to approach him for 7 months. i wish i utilzed that time better. i mean i went away..out of state and tired to get together with some family there. i went to the beach...etc. i tired all kinds of things to heal. watch good happy programs. watch one i could relate too involving loss. i have always been a survivor. but this is the mother load. i can honestly say nothing compares to this grief. why? how to un-attach and i blame myself too. because he was great and i was not. this is the first relationship i ever had in my life where i was not the better person in the relationship. i never had a broken heart like this. i only got real hurt once before and i got over it because i could rationalize and tell myself the guy was a jerk. (because he really was) but he was .....omg i am going to say it again...like a saint. everyone used to say hes soooooo nice. he was. it made him so attractive. name it he did it for me AND for my family too. and for my mom. when she was dying...she got such bed sores in the hospital...and she was in pain. and he held her up in his arms for near 1 hour..till his body was shaking...till they could put something on her to give her relief and give her pain killer. she kept saying i cant belive your holding me up.she was thanking God outloud. he just kept her lifted off the bed and saying it will be alright and praying over her in english and in spanish. i am crying just remembering this. i should have married him. i was immobilized with my problems at the time. everything hit me at once...from all directions. ok sorry thank u There is no reason to say sorry. You posted what you needed to post.
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