Am I overreacting? Or should I just chill?

[SerpentX]

I've been in a relationship for just over two years now. He is a great guy and I love him to death. I have never loved anyone so much, and never put so much effort into a relationship before in my life. I would bend over backwards for this guy. I want to have his children. But lately I feel that things are going down the drain and it really scares me. I guess it all started when we first met. We were introduce by a mutual friend, and right away I took a liking to him. In fact, I am the one who asked him out, after several dates. Why did I have to ask him out? Perhaps if I didn't, then we wouldn't be together... He agreed and we have basically been inseparable for most of our relationship.

 

A few months into it though, after we had already started sleeping together, and the day after we went away together on a nice romantic weekend at a chalet, I found an email in his sent messages asking some girl out for a drink. This was at a time when I thought things were great and he told me he was so happy and stuff. I was shocked and hurt and I felt betrayed. I confronted him and he said that because our relationship was so new he wasn't sure about me, about us. He went on to tell me that he didn't know where it was going because he had so many failed relationships in the past... he didn't know what to feel for me, although he knew he liked me.He said he never acted on the email, but at that point I had began to lose trust. I let it go anyway.

 

About six months later he started talking often about one of his co-workers, telling me that she was really cool, they would talk about music and movies and other things they had in common. He would bring hom DVDs that she had lent him, and he would lend her CDs. I was a bit weary but didn't question it. For his birthday, the co-worker made him some personalized CDs, and a card depicting why the year he was born was an amazing year. I questioned it and told him that she is making passes at him and likely wants to be more than friends. He assured me that this was not the case and that she knew about me and even accused me of being obsurd. I let it go.

 

Finally when Christmas rolled around, I saw another email in his inbox, from the co-worker asking him to attend a sporting event in January, coincidentally on my birthday. He replied to the email thanking her for the personalized CDs and telling her that she didn't have to do that, and told her he would get back to her about the sporting event. I immediately freaked out and confronted him. He then confessed that she had been setting up meetings between them that had no relevance to work, and that she had been bringing him coffees every morning, and complimenting him repeatedly, to the point where he felt a little creeped out, but he didnt want to say anything because he didn't want to disrupt the work relationship. I told him that she had already done that. I was very upset and told him I couldn't believe that he would do this to me, that he was a coward and that I couldn't believe he didn't tell her where to go. He got mad at me and told me to leave. I cried and left, but returned shortly. We talked about it and he sent her an email telling her how unprofessional what she was doing was, and told her that he loved me and would not attend the sporting event with her.

 

 

I have also found that he was on a few dating sites that were still active. He said that they were old accounts and emailed the companies, to which they replied and he showed me proof that he had not logged in since we were together. Since then there have been some white lies here and there, but I love this guy so much that I guess I try to pretend that things don’t bother me. The problem is when we have a few drinks I get hostile and emotional. And every few months I go into this phase where I resent him and don’t want to be with him. I treat him badly and feel that he deserves it for the things he has done to me in the past (all the lies), then I feel bad about it. I also know that he used to be a bit of a player before he met me, which doesn’t help the situation. Every time I am at his place, I check his email accounts... The bigger problem is that with each phase, I tend to do something stupid. A few months ago when I was feeling this way, I went on a dating site and started chatting to random guys. The crazy thing is that I don’t even want to talk to anyone else. I really don’t want anyone else but him. I think maybe I do these things kind of to get back at him....or to show him that I won't necessarily always be there for him. I don’t even know why I do these things any more. The last time I felt this way, I met up with an ex-boyfriend (that I have absolutely no feelings for) and kissed him. I am afraid that next time I might do something worse. I didn’t tell him about the kiss, and I think he would end it with me if he knew.

 

 

 

I don’t know if I should just break up with him because I have very little trust in him. They say trust is the foundation of a relationship, and I barely have any for him. I spy on him and tend to think the worst about what he is doing, because I feel that he is going to hurt me. I feel that I put way more effort into the relationship than he does, and I feel that he takes me for granted. I also feel that he thinks I am not going anywhere, like because I have forgiven him so many times, he can do whatever he wants and there will be no consequences.

 

 

Now we are growing farther apart and I feel that I am losing control. I really don’t want to lose him because I love him so much, I want to marry him, but at the same time I really don’t want to feel this way anymore. I feel that both he and I are suffering now because of my own insecurities (which I think are warranted). I feel angry towards him and it comes out way too often.

 

 

Am I overreacting? Am I right about what I feel about him, that he will hurt me? Or should I try to push these feelings aside? What would you do? Thank you for any feedback.

[ConflictedGuy27]

break up with him. you are not a good girl friend - self admittedly.

let him go, as you've got a lot of trust issues; deep ones.

 

you check his email everytime youre at his place...??

engage in passive aggressive behavior, involving messing around with other guys, based on speculation...

 

please break up w/ this guy.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I really don’t want to lose him because I love him so much, I want to marry him...

 

I'll go out in a limb & guess youre between 19 and 23 (tops). I hope you seriously mull what I'm about to say over, because it's a principle we're all better off learning sooner, rather then later:

 

Love is an action.

 

just marinade in that for a week or so. matter of fact, try to convince yourself that consistently spying and cheating on your boy friend (for whatever reason) = loving behavior.

 

if you're somehow successful in doing so, I highly reccomend talking to an individual counselor (as well as breaking up with the guy).

 

do the right thing.

Edited December 16, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27

[whichwayisup]

Why do you want to marry someone that you cannot trust?

 

Love is more than just a feeling.

 

How come you were looking through his emails? Did he leave it open or do you have access to his account?

 

If he is going to cheat on you, he's going to cheat on you - that's out of your hands. It sounds like this girl at work is an ego feed to him and something that could turn into something more if they spend time together outside of the office, so you do have a right to be concerned there, as well as him being on other dating sites.

 

Two wrongs dont' make a right..

 

End it because this is going to end in a bad way, just from what you've said so far.

[SerpentX]

Wow, reading this just made me realize what deep issues I have. I almost feel psycho. My rationale seemed so much more sane in my head. It is tough to hear but I know you guys are right. I think I am too selfish to let him go though.

 

I have booked a session for counselling, it is for tomorrow. I hope I can find out why I am like this.

 

I don't get why I am like this. I am pretty successful in my career, have a lot of really good friends and family. I am educated. This is the only thing that doesn't fit the picture. I really want to make the effort to make things work with him.

 

Do you guys think I'm completely messed up? Do you think it's even worth a shot to try to make it work with him?

[O'Malley]

break up with him. you are not a good girl friend - self admittedly.

let him go, as you've got a lot of trust issues; deep ones.

 

you check his email everytime youre at his place...??

engage in passive aggressive behavior, involving messing around with other guys, based on speculation...

 

please break up w/ this guy.

 

I agree that she should break up with him. But she's not the only one with issues here.

 

His attempting to meet up with a girl for a drink (while he's in a relationship with his girlfriend) then hiding his non-work related interactions with his co-worker is a pattern of his issues, his untrustworthy behavior. People in relationships shouldn't act in ways conducive to cheating.

 

Privacy and secrecy (and he has repeatedly demonstrated the latter) are very different. Snooping when someone has not demonstrated secretive or questionable behavior is an issue; snooping when you have red flags about a partner's behavior -- and these flags are confirmed with his actions -- is justified.

 

You're not overreacting here. Your boyfriend has demonstrated his untrustworthiness, you don't feel secure in this relationship and you are already seeking out other guys, so why stay?

Edited December 16, 2010 by O'Malley

[Lakeside_runner]

This is NOT a healthy relationship built on mutual trust and respect...

[SerpentX]

I joined this site so that someone with an ubiased opinion could possibly help me out. Thank you to everyone who has given me their input.

 

Clearly, you all think I should break up with him. I sort of understand the reasons why… but it seems to me that nobody believes that I love him. If this is the case, then why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why does all this make me crazy, and even physically ill? I can’t stand to be away from him for more than a few days. I can’t eat, can’t sleep. Doesn’t it mean anything that I love him?

 

Every time I get into these phases I become a wreck, and it shows physically. I don’t want to be like this. I wish he didn’t have so much power over me. Even when I am angry at him, I still call him. I have no will power. I can’t just let things be. I have to have the last word. Maybe that’s it, maybe I am a control freak. I don’t know.

 

Doesn’t the fact that I am going to go to counselling tomorrow mean anything? I am making an effort here…

 

Why is there no hope? I want so much to get over my issues. But maybe O’Malley was right, maybe he has issues that he needs to address too?

[Str8noChaser]

Clearly, you all think I should break up with him. I sort of understand the reasons why… but it seems to me that nobody believes that I love him. If this is the case, then why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why does all this make me crazy, and even physically ill? I can’t stand to be away from him for more than a few days. I can’t eat, can’t sleep. Doesn’t it mean anything that I love him?

 

I am not a therapist, but print that out and take it to your counselor and they'll tell you what you are clinically doing.

 

When you were a little girl fantasizing about loving your prince charming, did you see yourself acting crazy, being physically ill and obsessing? What you have described is not love.

[Str8noChaser]

Why is there no hope? I want so much to get over my issues. But maybe O’Malley was right, maybe he has issues that he needs to address too?

 

And his "issues", real or perceived, aren't relevant to you. Work on yourself and make healthy decisions for your life. He'll address himself, or not, in his own time.

[Sarah1977]

. If this is the case, then why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why does all this make me crazy, and even physically ill? I can’t stand to be away from him for more than a few days. I can’t eat, can’t sleep. Doesn’t it mean anything that I love him?

 

That's obsession. Not love.

[ConflictedGuy27]

you deserve kudos for exploring counseling; real introspection takes guts, despite what motivated you to walk through the door.

 

having gone through independent counseling myself, I can certainly speak first hand about the power of looking in the mirror.

 

I suggest that during your sessions, watch the clock & don't spill your guts for more than 60ish% of the session. give your counselor an opportunity to counsel you, instead of just listen to you vent.

 

it should eventually resemble a tennis match in there with each of you taking equal time to hit the ball back & forth & really uncover some truth about yourself. once that happens, then you can choose what you're willing to do with that information.

 

although you're definitely behaving badly (& obsessed with continuing a poor relationship) you're not "messed up" beyond repair. do some work in counseling & be single for a year or so.

 

based on what little i've read about you, you sound like a young woman who's never been single because you're afraid of being "alone". I could be wrong; but if I'm not, you're missing out on a ton of self discovery -- the type that can only be learned without being dependent on anyone but yourself.

 

I have a hunch you'll do fine.

good luck in there.

[SerpentX]

Thank you so much. I appreciate that. And I have to say, you are right. I have not been alone for too long, there has always been some love interest, but I have not always wanted it. I remember times when all I wanted was to be alone because I felt like I couldn't breathe, it was too much. I thought now that I finally found the one I was looking for...maybe not. I hope I have but I guess my ways have tainted everything, or maybe not that much...

 

I told my bf about the ex tonight. He was upset, but not as upset as I thought he would be. Not as upset as I would have been. He decided to forgive me, which is kind of surprising to me. I guess even though I know we are not all the same, it still baffles me that people don't react the way I do/would.

 

Conflicted Guy, I have always been pessimistic about counselling, and to be honest, I don't know that it will do me much good now. I hope it will and I am trying to be positive, but I guess I thought that counsellors/thrapists were a bunch of cons and crooks, lol. I am finding though, however - that talking about this openly and honestly, with the mask of the internet and nobody knowing who I really am so I can talk freely - being very helpful and refreshing. I have not talked to any of my friends about this. Nobody knows about this at all, as I am ashamed and feel that I will be judged. And maybe I should be, I don't know. But I am a good person, I have no ill will towards anyone. In most cases, I am basically like, it is what it is...you know?

 

I think I am on the way to a self discovery now... I hope I am anyway. Coming clean with my bf was so scary and I really prepared myself for him leaving me. But at the same time I felt free. I felt that it was his decision to decide whether he wanted to still be with me after I told him the truth. I was shocked when he forgave me. It made me love him more. I think I was expecting him to get angry and dump me so that it might be easier to deal with my feelings, that somehow it would validate what I thought about him: that he doesn't really love me. But that is not the case.

 

I feel that I am already beginning to learn a lot. I hope the counselling goes well. This thread has helped me tremendously, so thank you to you all. You have no idea how much this has helped me.