Going through difficult time with NC...need encouragement to stay away!!

[Snowflower]

I followed your original thread over "on the dark side" and frankly was horrified at how they treated you. On some of those posts I felt like saying "Gee, it's shocking that anyone would ever cheat on you cuz you seem so loveable and understanding of human nature".

 

Not to say that being the OW/OM is all good and great but my point was/is that we are all human therefore make mistakes - especially where the heart is concerned.

 

It's not so much that you will get "sympathy" on this side as much as guidance into doing what's right for you and your situation. I hope you can get that here.

 

Hugs!

 

Some of us "over on the dark side" (pretty rude term if you ask me) tried to offer help or constructive advice to flowergirl, even as fBS.

 

Please do not assume all BSs are striking out at flowergirl.

 

Anyway, OP, I hope you figure out what you need to do about your marriage, whatever that is. I read here recently that it often takes up to 18 months for a WS to come out of the affair fog/confusion after the affair ends to regain perspective. I had never heard this before but it makes sense.

 

Unfortunately, your BH may not be able to wait that long. He seems willing to try to save your marriage. It may not seem like this is what you want now, but you might change your mind about your marriage/husband at some point but it will be too late. That would be heartbreaking.

 

Good luck!

Edited December 16, 2010 by Snowflower

[woinlove]

So do any of you have suggestions of what the heck I should do to gain some clarity....

If I am feeling so muddled, like I am losing my sanity, how do I move forward when I am so confused, and disconnected from my HB.

I know NC with OM is what is best for all involved...but it has been very painful, and it just feels wrong to cut the ties the way I have. I left it with our last phone conversation, I told him I have to focus on my family right now, and seeing and talking to him will only complicate matters. I told him if we were meant to be anything more to each other, it can not be under these terms. That if it is meant to be, we will meet again. He asked me to not wait to long before contacting him again, as it was killing him the thought of not seeing me again. So that is how it was left. Kind of a sweet way to end it, but I feel he is kind of waiting for that call or email from me....someday.

The OM talks to my friends (my ex co-workers, as he works with them) and has asked one of them how I am doing, that he misses me so much, to tell me to call him..so when I hear this I feel sad. He is respecting me enough to maintain NC, but I can see he still misses me. He is D his W and is going through a tough time himself. I just have the urge to call him just to see how he is doing. I don`t want him to think I hate him. I have no anger or bad feelings toward him at all-so that is what makes this so difficult! I wish I had something to hate him for...but how can I have bad feelings for someone who brought such good feelings into my life. What a mess.

 

I don't understand the "fog" some talked about on your other thread, so perhaps I am missing something. But everything you write sounds so obvious to me. You talk about OM, how he brings such good feelings into your life, you care what he feels. On your other thread you said you don't care how your husband feels and you don't write anything good about him. I assume the fact that you two had three children, who you must love and be grateful for, meant something at one time. But there is no remaining sign of that and you are able to show empathy for OM, but not for your husband. You say you are confused, but I don't see any signs of confusion in what you write. Seems that your marriage is dead to you. I wonder if you were to make the decision to proceed with divorce if you would start to feel relieved and better.

 

Again, maybe I am missing some "fog" understanding that will "lift" and there will again be some reason why you should stay married.

[half_ofa_heart]

Some of us "over on the dark side" (pretty rude term if you ask me) tried to offer help or constructive advice to flowergirl, even as fBS.

 

Please do not assume all BSs are striking out at flowergirl.

 

Anyway, OP, I hope you figure out what you need to do about your marriage, whatever that is. I read here recently that it often takes up to 18 months for a WS to come out of the affair fog/confusion after the affair ends to regain perspective. I had never heard this before but it makes sense.

 

Unfortunately, your BH may not be able to wait that long. He seems willing to try to save your marriage. It may not seem like this is what you want now, but you might change your mind about your marriage/husband at some point but it will be too late. That would be heartbreaking.

 

Good luck!

 

Correct! Forgive me as I need to clarify that not ALL the posts were offensive and judgemental and some were helpful. But, you have to agree that MOST were treating her horribly.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't understand the "fog" some talked about on your other thread, so perhaps I am missing something. But everything you write sounds so obvious to me. You talk about OM, how he brings such good feelings into your life, you care what he feels. On your other thread you said you don't care how your husband feels and you don't write anything good about him. I assume the fact that you two had three children, who you must love and be grateful for, meant something at one time. But there is no remaining sign of that and you are able to show empathy for OM, but not for your husband. You say you are confused, but I don't see any signs of confusion in what you write. Seems that your marriage is dead to you. I wonder if you were to make the decision to proceed with divorce if you would start to feel relieved and better.

 

Again, maybe I am missing some "fog" understanding that will "lift" and there will again be some reason why you should stay married.

 

 

I'm missing it too. I think she is pretty clear in all her posts about how she feels about OM and her H. She even has a thread about never getting over him. I think she just needs to (wo)man up and move on. Give her husband his walking papers. He will eventually move on.

[flowergirl77]

I know it sounds done, and it feels done. But I am not ready to walk away yet. I feel I owe it to my family (and him) to give us a bit more time..

I just got a call from the psyc. office my doc referred me to. I have an appt on Monday-maybe I will gain some clarity working through some of this crap in my head...either way. I just want an answer so I can focus my energy in ONE direction. I am so drained from living in this indecisive state.

I do feel sometimes..a sigh of relief when I think of us going our own ways. But then the panic sets in of the reality of my life-and what it would be if I leave.

I will have to leave our fam. home, we will have to sell the house and with our financial situation-will end up at zero again,renting a tiny apartment, and a whole lotta debt. I won't see my kids every night, and be with them everyday. So, as easy as it sounds to say "pack up and leave" now is not the time to do this. I am not strong enough.

I have to find a job, and that is just the beginning of my worries.

[woinlove]

I know it sounds done, and it feels done. But I am not ready to walk away yet. I feel I owe it to my family (and him) to give us a bit more time..

I just got a call from the psyc. office my doc referred me to. I have an appt on Monday-maybe I will gain some clarity working through some of this crap in my head...either way. I just want an answer so I can focus my energy in ONE direction. I am so drained from living in this indecisive state.

I do feel sometimes..a sigh of relief when I think of us going our own ways. But then the panic sets in of the reality of my life-and what it would be if I leave.

I will have to leave our fam. home, we will have to sell the house and with our financial situation-will end up at zero again,renting a tiny apartment, and a whole lotta debt. I won't see my kids every night, and be with them everyday. So, as easy as it sounds to say "pack up and leave" now is not the time to do this. I am not strong enough.

I have to find a job, and that is just the beginning of my worries.

 

The bolded part is what I don't understand. I understand some WS say I owe it to my family to try to save their marriage and then they try to save their marriage. But that isn't what you are saying, is it? What good is "more time" when you can't committed to trying and all the ideas floating in your head (as represented in your posts here) are shouting leave, leave, leave? I hope it is not simply for appearances that you think you owe your family more time. It is not unheard of for a WS to want to look like they are giving the marriage another shot, even though they really aren't committed. I hope that isn't you.

 

- Smaller house/apartment, so what? Happiness is not found in square footage.

- Debt? Yeah, well, that can take some time to recover from. Again, not that important compared to what really matters.

- Not seeing your kids every night? From what you are posting on LS, I cannot imagine you being fully there for your children now. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you seem distracted in your own world of your own feelings and thoughts of OM. If you divorced and put your life on a more authentic path, you would likely be more there for your children during the time you did spend with them.

- Find a job. That sounds great. Focussing on finding a job would take the focus of what OM is thinking/feeling/etc.

 

So, in the balance between divorce or stay, I don't see much in the column for stay. And your fears contain some challenges, but they can be dealt with, and they should not stop you from living a life which is more authentic.

[half_ofa_heart]

I know it sounds done, and it feels done. But I am not ready to walk away yet. I feel I owe it to my family (and him) to give us a bit more time..

I just got a call from the psyc. office my doc referred me to. I have an appt on Monday-maybe I will gain some clarity working through some of this crap in my head...either way. I just want an answer so I can focus my energy in ONE direction. I am so drained from living in this indecisive state.

I do feel sometimes..a sigh of relief when I think of us going our own ways. But then the panic sets in of the reality of my life-and what it would be if I leave.

I will have to leave our fam. home, we will have to sell the house and with our financial situation-will end up at zero again,renting a tiny apartment, and a whole lotta debt. I won't see my kids every night, and be with them everyday. So, as easy as it sounds to say "pack up and leave" now is not the time to do this. I am not strong enough.

I have to find a job, and that is just the beginning of my worries.

 

I feel for you - I really do! When I decided to split from my husband 7 years ago, I too was in IC looking for answers. She said one thing to me that just opened my eyes; she said, "if your daughter was in your current situation, what would your advice to her be?" I told her..."I would pack her bags for her!" my counselor then said to me... "how can you expect your daughter to take your advice when you can't take it yourself?!" It was the biggest "AHA" moment I've ever had.

 

Forgot to mention one more thing... there was no one else in the picture for either myself or my exH. The M was just over and I was trying to figure that out.

Edited December 16, 2010 by half_ofa_heart

[flowergirl77]

HB and I talked again last night,I told him I am feeling so awful about my life and don't know which way to turn. He feels I need to focus on healing my depression and find myself (and a job) and see where that leads us. I am wondering if most of my unhappiness is because I have been a mostly unhappy SAHM for the past 6 years, in an unhappy MG for most of that as well. My whole focus has been raising my 3 kids. Next Sept. all of them will be in school so I feel I can now focus on what I want to do with myself. I have no formal education and don't know what I want to do with my life! It's like a midlife- midlife crises I am going through! I am questioning EVERYTHING about my life right now. I am only 33, and have been a mom since I was 19...and been in R's since I was 15. So I have never been on my own, and the thought terrifies me! I have been financially dependent on my HB for most of our 9 yrs together. I feel so lost, I can't imagine making a life altering decision to leave my MG in the state I am in. I need encouragement right now, not ppl telling me to pack up and leave! That may be what I will need to do in the end, but right now I am trying to find a shred of hope to keep me here.

 

On the OM note: My obsessive thinking for him has increased again. I had a dream about him last night-we saw each other somewhere and it felt so good. I woke up feeling like I had to contact him...it has faded. I keep telling myself-that will only screw things up even more, I promised HB I would not C him and I want to do the right thing. What I do from this point on WILL define my character...and I want to keep on the path toward the light. So when I think-I would just love to see him..I think then Why? What will that prove? I will just get sucked right back in it again, and my MG will def. be done. It is such a crazy making situation-I do feel crazy sometimes. My brain will not shut off!! This has been a great outlet here on LS-so it has been helpful.

[bentnotbroken]

HB and I talked again last night,I told him I am feeling so awful about my life and don't know which way to turn. He feels I need to focus on healing my depression and find myself (and a job) and see where that leads us. I am wondering if most of my unhappiness is because I have been a mostly unhappy SAHM for the past 6 years, in an unhappy MG for most of that as well. My whole focus has been raising my 3 kids. Next Sept. all of them will be in school so I feel I can now focus on what I want to do with myself. I have no formal education and don't know what I want to do with my life! It's like a midlife- midlife crises I am going through! I am questioning EVERYTHING about my life right now. I am only 33, and have been a mom since I was 19...and been in R's since I was 15. So I have never been on my own, and the thought terrifies me! I have been financially dependent on my HB for most of our 9 yrs together. I feel so lost, I can't imagine making a life altering decision to leave my MG in the state I am in. I need encouragement right now, not ppl telling me to pack up and leave! That may be what I will need to do in the end, but right now I am trying to find a shred of hope to keep me here.

 

On the OM note: My obsessive thinking for him has increased again. I had a dream about him last night-we saw each other somewhere and it felt so good. I woke up feeling like I had to contact him...it has faded. I keep telling myself-that will only screw things up even more, I promised HB I would not C him and I want to do the right thing. What I do from this point on WILL define my character...and I want to keep on the path toward the light. So when I think-I would just love to see him..I think then Why? What will that prove? I will just get sucked right back in it again, and my MG will def. be done. It is such a crazy making situation-I do feel crazy sometimes. My brain will not shut off!! This has been a great outlet here on LS-so it has been helpful.

 

 

That's why people are telling you leave. I was a SAHM, it is scary and but it is doable.....if want it.

[Eddie Edirol]

Hey flowergirl, Im curious as to the things that your husband did to make you emotionally check out over the years. I read the other threads and saw that you didnt confront him on these things, you just pulled away. Since you want to try to make it work, you two have to work from almost zero again. Only problem is you live with each other-so that kinda screws things up.

 

You probably will need to stay away from your husband for a while and he has to try real hard to court you again like he used to, and you have to give him chances. if he doesnt put all his effort into it to be the romantic he once was, you might never be able to get feelings for him again, and the MG is over. We see that you dont really want to reconcile with your HB as long as you're still thinking of the OM, but it might help you to regain something for the HB if your hB is trying. And you have to communicate to him what he used to do and what kinds of things that will attract you again. Hopefully he is willing to do it.

 

What did he do to turn you off over the years in the first place?

[flowergirl77]

Hey flowergirl, Im curious as to the things that your husband did to make you emotionally check out over the years. I read the other threads and saw that you didnt confront him on these things, you just pulled away. Since you want to try to make it work, you two have to work from almost zero again. Only problem is you live with each other-so that kinda screws things up.

 

You probably will need to stay away from your husband for a while and he has to try real hard to court you again like he used to, and you have to give him chances. if he doesnt put all his effort into it to be the romantic he once was, you might never be able to get feelings for him again, and the MG is over. We see that you dont really want to reconcile with your HB as long as you're still thinking of the OM, but it might help you to regain something for the HB if your hB is trying. And you have to communicate to him what he used to do and what kinds of things that will attract you again. Hopefully he is willing to do it.

 

What did he do to turn you off over the years in the first place?

 

Thanks for your input. To answer your Q:

 

My HB was very controlling, and emotionally abusive to me up until I started warning him I will not stay with him if he doesn't change his behavior toward me and our son. (Tha major turning point for me was last March when I was starting to really question my MG. He treated my 13 yo son (from a prev R) quite badly for many years and REFUSED to look at any of his "crap" and make changes. He was mean to both of us a great deal of the time, and all we did was bicker and fight for most of our R up until that point.

I DID talk to him many, many, many times about this-and he always discounted my feelings, saying I was overreacting, being too sensitive etc..

I remember saying in desperation when I could feel myself turning off toward him: "I just want you to see what you are doing, and I don't want to get to a point when it is too late"...and now this may be that point. I put up with a lot of mistreatment, sarcasm, insults, put downs, controlling of finances among many other things. When I would tell him I needed more emotional support and for him to just be in my corner in life..he would say things like "that is so annoying to me that you NEED that from me" "I don't need it from you, so I don't understand why you need it" That kind of s***.

I am getting angry just typing this stuff, because his treatment of me was so hurtful-and I am trying to get over it now that he HAS changed. He has done IC that has made him really see how wrong he was for the way he treated me-the C made it very clear to him it had to stop.Now he feels remorse for it all and wants to be a better H to me, and better father to our son. But I feel like I have closed off my heart to him. I hope you are right, that I can find it within myself to immerse myself fully into our MG again. We will have to start from scratch and make anew one, cause I want nothing to do with the old one! Whew...that felt good.

[ShatteredReality]

Thanks for your input. To answer your Q:

 

My HB was very controlling, and emotionally abusive to me up until I started warning him I will not stay with him if he doesn't change his behavior toward me and our son. (Tha major turning point for me was last March when I was starting to really question my MG. He treated my 13 yo son (from a prev R) quite badly for many years and REFUSED to look at any of his "crap" and make changes. He was mean to both of us a great deal of the time, and all we did was bicker and fight for most of our R up until that point.

I DID talk to him many, many, many times about this-and he always discounted my feelings, saying I was overreacting, being too sensitive etc..

I remember saying in desperation when I could feel myself turning off toward him: "I just want you to see what you are doing, and I don't want to get to a point when it is too late"...and now this may be that point. I put up with a lot of mistreatment, sarcasm, insults, put downs, controlling of finances among many other things. When I would tell him I needed more emotional support and for him to just be in my corner in life..he would say things like "that is so annoying to me that you NEED that from me" "I don't need it from you, so I don't understand why you need it" That kind of s***.

I am getting angry just typing this stuff, because his treatment of me was so hurtful-and I am trying to get over it now that he HAS changed. He has done IC that has made him really see how wrong he was for the way he treated me-the C made it very clear to him it had to stop.Now he feels remorse for it all and wants to be a better H to me, and better father to our son. But I feel like I have closed off my heart to him. I hope you are right, that I can find it within myself to immerse myself fully into our MG again. We will have to start from scratch and make anew one, cause I want nothing to do with the old one! Whew...that felt good.

 

My situation was similar to yours. For me...the A happened when someone showed me that I COULD be treated differently than I was being treated. My H didn't realize how badly he was treating me until after DDay, though. So for us, the A opened up both our eyes to just how south our mg had gone from where it was supposed to be. When I was able to really sit back and look at my H what I saw was this - If he were to treat me right, to take care of my needs and allow me to take care of his, I could love him again the way that I once had. A dear friend told me something during this time...when I was thinking that I was leaving and talking to friends about options and asking advice on how to leave your H with minimal damage to the kids...she said the first man you completely give your heart to - you marry him and give him that complete part of you and spend years with him - that's a kind of love you'll never have again. That, yes, you'll love again, but it will always be more guarded and second hand. Now, I had been in relationships before my mg and I had lovers and had even fallen in love a few times, but her words hit me in the center of my heart and I understood exactly what she was saying, though I may not convey her words as well as she did. I love my H. I was questioning my love for him at the time, if I could ever give him my heart again or trust him not to crush it. We have reached a point now where I can tell him things that previously he would have later used against me to hurt me.

 

I know it seems like you have nothing to give now. I remember that feeling. I remember feeling like my commitment level on a scale of 1-10 was a weak 5 or perhaps a 4. On the fence so to speak. A mc told me that even having a number on the scale was a good thing.

 

As for the ppl telling you to walk away. No one can tell you to do that. That is a decision you have to make for yourself. The A "fog" that ppl don't seem to see in you - I see it perfectly. Only because I was right where you are...perhaps my situation was different, my A didn't last as long and my OM was obviously a different circumstance...even so - I completely understand. I really was only waiting to earn enough $ to leave. I didn't want to move back in with my parents, but I didn't think we could survive the A and I didn't really want to at the time. I think, partially, I was trying to use the A as a way of ending the relationship. Now...after all of it's passed and my emotions are regulated...I am glad I stayed. I am glad he stayed. It's been a very hard road. Once he realized his responsibility in my emotional state (NOT in the A - that wasn't his Fault - that was on me. However my emotional state was partly HIM) and started working to improve it...I was able to fall back in love with him again. It didn't take as long as I had feared it would and it wasn't as difficult as I had feared it would be either.

 

I'd say get your depression under control, keep the OM out of your life, make your decision based on the future - not the past. If you can't get the love back, you can't, but at least you'll be able to say you tried and you won't walk around wondering "what if".

[IzzyB]

HB and I talked again last night,I told him I am feeling so awful about my life and don't know which way to turn. He feels I need to focus on healing my depression and find myself (and a job) and see where that leads us. I am wondering if most of my unhappiness is because I have been a mostly unhappy SAHM for the past 6 years, in an unhappy MG for most of that as well. My whole focus has been raising my 3 kids. Next Sept. all of them will be in school so I feel I can now focus on what I want to do with myself. I have no formal education and don't know what I want to do with my life! It's like a midlife- midlife crises I am going through! I am questioning EVERYTHING about my life right now. I am only 33, and have been a mom since I was 19...and been in R's since I was 15. So I have never been on my own, and the thought terrifies me! I have been financially dependent on my HB for most of our 9 yrs together. I feel so lost, I can't imagine making a life altering decision to leave my MG in the state I am in. I need encouragement right now, not ppl telling me to pack up and leave! That may be what I will need to do in the end, but right now I am trying to find a shred of hope to keep me here.

 

On the OM note: My obsessive thinking for him has increased again. I had a dream about him last night-we saw each other somewhere and it felt so good. I woke up feeling like I had to contact him...it has faded. I keep telling myself-that will only screw things up even more, I promised HB I would not C him and I want to do the right thing. What I do from this point on WILL define my character...and I want to keep on the path toward the light. So when I think-I would just love to see him..I think then Why? What will that prove? I will just get sucked right back in it again, and my MG will def. be done. It is such a crazy making situation-I do feel crazy sometimes. My brain will not shut off!! This has been a great outlet here on LS-so it has been helpful.

 

Okay this is making more sense now. What you really need to focus on is YOU. Rediscovering (or hell, finding out for the first time) who you are and what makes you tick. Since you have been looking after other people since you were just a kid yourself, you have no idea how to be a self-fulfilled grown-up. Add on top of that that your husband mistreated both you and your son, well now I would imagine that even though he has changed a lot, your self esteem probably isnt so great. As I see it, the reason that you are having so much trouble letting go of the other man is because he was the main source of joy and purpose for you. If you have nothing else to fill yourself with it makes total sense you would be obsessing over him and have incredible difficulty letting him go. It also makes sense that you are unable to figure out if/why/how you should leave your husband. There is a solid rule in 12 step programs about making no major changes for the first year of recovery. I think in your case that applies to you as well. An addict stops using her drug and then doesnt know what to do with herself. Her whole life has revolved around the person places and things. Even if OM wasnt an addiction, you are at a place in your life where he was much of everything to you and your old foundation of life as you knew it is gone. Since you are being honest with your husband and he is treating you much better, focus on getting yourself healthy, mentally, physically, emotionally. Only if you feel yourself to be the whole complete loving woman that you are, are you of any good to others in your life. I dont remember if you are in counseling so that is number one. Number two is as youve said, get yourself working in something you really enjoy and bring home that paycheck, even if it is small. It will totally feed your self esteem. Volunteer with a cause you love, even if its just once a month. Work out. and gradually, you will feel much better. You have forgotten t hat you are a beautiful child of God and God doesnt make mistakes. Now get busy girlfriend and go recover yourself. When you are feeling whole again, the decisions will be much easier to make and you will do the right thing in order to benefit yourself and your family.

 

PS - everything Im telling you, I need to do myself, and I am