Going through difficult time with NC...need encouragement to stay away!!

[flowergirl77]

I had this post on the "infidelity" thread, but was not well liked at all over there. So thought I may get more understanding here. So here is a short version of a long story:

Married 9 years, 3 kids. I have been involved in and emotional affair for over a year now with a coworker. My HB knows everything, and we are trying to see if we can salvage our marriage, that feels very hopeless for many reasons.

I have tried to end it on several occasions, took a LOA at work and tried to maintain distance from OM while at work once I returned...this worked for about 2 weeks until we started to find it impossible to stay away from eachother. I got sucked back into it, and my HB saw the signs and confronted me with it. So I go the ultimatum-quit my job, or we get a divorce. So after fighting him on this, I decided to quit my job..hard as it was.

I met with OM one time since then-with the intention to say goodbye. We had such a great time over drinks...either of us wanted it to end.

HB found out we met...went ballistic. I was going to leave the next day to stay with a friend until I found a long term place...but I am still here. I think of leaving everyday. I think of the OM constantly.He asks about me through friends, says he misses me and wants to know how I am doing. I have had NC with OM for almost 4 weeks and it is killing me...I am not sure I can keep it up. I can't imagine never seeing him again...I just can't. How do I get passed this stage?

I am not sure if our MG has any hope-but I don;t want to divorce while still feeling feelings for OM..I know I am not clearheaded right now to make that decision....any advice from those who have BTDT and got free from their affair?

[ShatteredReality]

Yeah - over on the infidelity section you'd have gotten torn to shreds...sorry - there should be warnings put up for folks actively in or just out of As...Too many bitter folks who can't seem to separate and look at the issue at hand.

 

Ok - NC is tough. I will say first things first - you did right by quitting. Are you getting another job? If you plan to leave your H you will need one. The last thing you need right now is to feel completely dependant on him. for your marriage to work you need to figure out what broke where and if you can repair it. Most affiars occur b/c something is missing from the current relationship. That doesn't make them ok, it just helps to explain the psychology behind it.

 

Also - the A is like an addiction. My H read in one of his Affair Survival books that there is a chemical occurance in the brain during and after an affair - it lasts for 18 months. This is why it takes most couples 2 yrs to heal from the "event". We are past our 2yr mark and lemme tell ya - worlds different. I was very confused and hurt when I broke things off with my OM. I acted in ways that weren't fair to him or to myself or my kids. I wanted so badly to break NC, even though I also tried so hard not to. I also changed jobs...It helped to make a list of all the reasons it never would have worked with him. It also helped to make a list of the reasons I loved my H or wanted to stay with him. Lists were great. Counselling helped - but mostly him more than me. There were still a lot of things I wasn't ready to admit to myself, much less someone else, back then. Don't break NC. Not unless you're planning on tossing your marriage and giving it a go with the OM. Basically at this point - it's unfair to keep hurting your H that way, it's unfair to keep putting yourself through that torture, it's unfair to the kids to feel the tension and stress you will put yourself and your H and your marriage through as a whole.

 

It will continue to hurt...and you will continue to think about him for a long long time...the further you get from him the better...and every time he enters your mind change the channel. You can't help him popping in - but you can control how long he stays there for. If you dwell on him you will desire him more, if you don't it will eventually fade.

 

Hope it helps...some....I'm not sure I am great at it...but I've been through similar...so yeah....

[ShatteredReality]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t256629/

 

That thread has a lot about the connection and why ppl feel the way they do after the A. There are like...5 pages of stories on there from ppl out of relationships talking about the addiction level of it.

[fooled once]

I had this post on the "infidelity" thread, but was not well liked at all over there. So thought I may get more understanding here. So here is a short version of a long story:

Married 9 years, 3 kids. I have been involved in and emotional affair for over a year now with a coworker. My HB knows everything, and we are trying to see if we can salvage our marriage, that feels very hopeless for many reasons.

I have tried to end it on several occasions, took a LOA at work and tried to maintain distance from OM while at work once I returned...this worked for about 2 weeks until we started to find it impossible to stay away from eachother. I got sucked back into it, and my HB saw the signs and confronted me with it. So I go the ultimatum-quit my job, or we get a divorce. So after fighting him on this, I decided to quit my job..hard as it was.

I met with OM one time since then-with the intention to say goodbye. We had such a great time over drinks...either of us wanted it to end.

HB found out we met...went ballistic. I was going to leave the next day to stay with a friend until I found a long term place...but I am still here. I think of leaving everyday. I think of the OM constantly.He asks about me through friends, says he misses me and wants to know how I am doing. I have had NC with OM for almost 4 weeks and it is killing me...I am not sure I can keep it up. I can't imagine never seeing him again...I just can't. How do I get passed this stage?

I am not sure if our MG has any hope-but I don;t want to divorce while still feeling feelings for OM..I know I am not clearheaded right now to make that decision....any advice from those who have BTDT and got free from their affair?

 

Why don't you just divorce and then you can be with OM? Are you and your H in counseling? If not, why not?

 

It isn't impossible to stay away from someone. It is a matter of self-control. If you can't image not being with him, then don't - end the marriage and go be with him. I don't understand why you are staying with someone you don't want to be with? I don't understand why you can't be honest with yourself and your H that your marriage is over.

[bentnotbroken]

I think that as long as you "can't imagine" yourself without him...you won't. You won't look for a way to be without him. You won't look for a way to build a new relationship with your spouse. You won't look at the A for what it really was. As long as you feed the fantasy it will grow. You will look at anyone who tells you these things as bitter and harsh to you. When in reality...you can only grow what is feed. Whether it is a plant, an animal, a child or a relationship. You are feeding your affair and starving your marriage. What do you expect to happen with these dynamics?

[woinlove]

I had this post on the "infidelity" thread, but was not well liked at all over there. So thought I may get more understanding here. So here is a short version of a long story:

Married 9 years, 3 kids. I have been involved in and emotional affair for over a year now with a coworker. My HB knows everything, and we are trying to see if we can salvage our marriage, that feels very hopeless for many reasons.

I have tried to end it on several occasions, took a LOA at work and tried to maintain distance from OM while at work once I returned...this worked for about 2 weeks until we started to find it impossible to stay away from eachother. I got sucked back into it, and my HB saw the signs and confronted me with it. So I go the ultimatum-quit my job, or we get a divorce. So after fighting him on this, I decided to quit my job..hard as it was.

I met with OM one time since then-with the intention to say goodbye. We had such a great time over drinks...either of us wanted it to end.

HB found out we met...went ballistic. I was going to leave the next day to stay with a friend until I found a long term place...but I am still here. I think of leaving everyday. I think of the OM constantly.He asks about me through friends, says he misses me and wants to know how I am doing. I have had NC with OM for almost 4 weeks and it is killing me...I am not sure I can keep it up. I can't imagine never seeing him again...I just can't. How do I get passed this stage?

I am not sure if our MG has any hope-but I don;t want to divorce while still feeling feelings for OM..I know I am not clearheaded right now to make that decision....any advice from those who have BTDT and got free from their affair?

 

Usually people want to maintain NC if the affair is causing them grief, they think it is wrong, and/or they want to stay married. Your motivation, that you want to be "clearheaded" when you make the decision whether to divorce, seems like a particularly tricky one for maintaining NC as it is more abstract than the usual motivations with no clear goal in mind.

 

Since you have been involved with OM for over a year, and seem much more emotionally involved with him than with your husband, it may take you a long time to get over him. Meanwhile you don't seem inclined to either recommit to the marriage or to end it, which must be horrible for all involved. Aren't your children suffering with you in limbo, neither in nor out and obsessed with OM? Not to mention whatever your husband is going through. In your other thread you said you can't feel empathy for your husband, but what about your children? Why not make a decision now for their sakes, either recommit or leave and work out arrangements for the children.

[pureinheart]

I had this post on the "infidelity" thread, but was not well liked at all over there. So thought I may get more understanding here. So here is a short version of a long story:

Married 9 years, 3 kids. I have been involved in and emotional affair for over a year now with a coworker. My HB knows everything, and we are trying to see if we can salvage our marriage, that feels very hopeless for many reasons.

I have tried to end it on several occasions, took a LOA at work and tried to maintain distance from OM while at work once I returned...this worked for about 2 weeks until we started to find it impossible to stay away from eachother. I got sucked back into it, and my HB saw the signs and confronted me with it. So I go the ultimatum-quit my job, or we get a divorce. So after fighting him on this, I decided to quit my job..hard as it was.

I met with OM one time since then-with the intention to say goodbye. We had such a great time over drinks...either of us wanted it to end.

HB found out we met...went ballistic. I was going to leave the next day to stay with a friend until I found a long term place...but I am still here. I think of leaving everyday. I think of the OM constantly.He asks about me through friends, says he misses me and wants to know how I am doing. I have had NC with OM for almost 4 weeks and it is killing me...I am not sure I can keep it up. I can't imagine never seeing him again...I just can't. How do I get passed this stage?

I am not sure if our MG has any hope-but I don;t want to divorce while still feeling feelings for OM..I know I am not clearheaded right now to make that decision....any advice from those who have BTDT and got free from their affair?

 

Hi FG,

 

Ok...I am of the opinion that having an speaks volumns, and would say more so than not, the M is over. Certainly there are cases in which the A is discovered and the M reconciles...both people are mature, reasonable and objective and are willing to make amends, working on the issues that were major, sometimes noncommunicated prior to the A.

 

Since there has been a DDay and not much has changed, well I think it would take a miracle for your M to work.

 

I got free from the A by going NC....I was not free from the man though. He separated and D. I went through hell with him during this divorce and lost a lot of respect and love for him...I appreciate a lot of the good things and times, although I chose to walk away. I have good days and bad days...I think less has to do with him concerning the good/bad and more to do with my own personal issues. Many times I confuse a "longing" for him with a simple hurt from the past, or some bad incident being triggered.

 

I certainly hope the best for you. Have you thought of walking away from both men and finding you? You H sounds very controlling BTW.

[siuys]

FG,

 

Sorry you're hurting and confused. I understand it's a horrible place to be. I am not so experienced in that situation. When I had an affair many years ago while I was married, I knew I was done. It was an exit affair. And i have no kids so I guess it's a little easier.

 

What I do know, however, is that distance will clear your head. I have been in NC with xMM now for 16 days. It's not that long but almost longest NC we've had. It has given me strength, clarity and am much less foggy. I don't know if it is at all possible, but you may find you need a lot of time, and better still, on your own, not see OM, and only see your H for practical stuff e.g. regarding the kids... you sound like you could really use this space and being on your own, tho' can be scary, can give you the answers you need. You're still in the addictive mode with OM so you won't be able to think straight now, not until you've had proper time away from him... all the best.

[ladydesigner]

Yeah - over on the infidelity section you'd have gotten torn to shreds...sorry - there should be warnings put up for folks actively in or just out of As...Too many bitter folks who can't seem to separate and look at the issue at hand.

 

Ok - NC is tough. I will say first things first - you did right by quitting. Are you getting another job? If you plan to leave your H you will need one. The last thing you need right now is to feel completely dependant on him. for your marriage to work you need to figure out what broke where and if you can repair it. Most affiars occur b/c something is missing from the current relationship. That doesn't make them ok, it just helps to explain the psychology behind it.

 

Also - the A is like an addiction. My H read in one of his Affair Survival books that there is a chemical occurance in the brain during and after an affair - it lasts for 18 months. This is why it takes most couples 2 yrs to heal from the "event". We are past our 2yr mark and lemme tell ya - worlds different. I was very confused and hurt when I broke things off with my OM. I acted in ways that weren't fair to him or to myself or my kids. I wanted so badly to break NC, even though I also tried so hard not to. I also changed jobs...It helped to make a list of all the reasons it never would have worked with him. It also helped to make a list of the reasons I loved my H or wanted to stay with him. Lists were great. Counselling helped - but mostly him more than me. There were still a lot of things I wasn't ready to admit to myself, much less someone else, back then. Don't break NC. Not unless you're planning on tossing your marriage and giving it a go with the OM. Basically at this point - it's unfair to keep hurting your H that way, it's unfair to keep putting yourself through that torture, it's unfair to the kids to feel the tension and stress you will put yourself and your H and your marriage through as a whole.

 

It will continue to hurt...and you will continue to think about him for a long long time...the further you get from him the better...and every time he enters your mind change the channel. You can't help him popping in - but you can control how long he stays there for. If you dwell on him you will desire him more, if you don't it will eventually fade.

 

Hope it helps...some....I'm not sure I am great at it...but I've been through similar...so yeah....

 

This is a great post! It has taken me 2 years to get over my XAP and have been NC for a little over a year. The bolded in the post above really helps lessen the amounts of time you think of them, but you have to actively distract yourself and your brain ( I know easier said than done:laugh:). Just keep forward with your goals and where you want to mentally be. You will get there. If it is peace of mind you want definitely stay NC. It's hard but doable. LS and posting here and reading here has saved my life and my marriage!

[flowergirl77]

I am feeling so torn..and am going through a major depressive episode so I wonder how clear my thinking is right now, given that I am still in the whirlwind of my A as well. It is an very awful place to be in limbo like this, but that is the motivation behind giving it more time to see how I feel in a few months. We decided, well HB wants to give it this time and reassess it and decide depending on how things are going if we will seperate or not. I am not too optimistic that my feelings will change, only b/c I have been "out of love" with HB for so long now. I feel I can't get back to a place of WANTING to be here, with HIM, and not because of the house and the kids and for financial reasons. I know these are not reasons to stay in a MG-but many ppl do stay in a state lie this b/c of that. I do not want to do that long term, that is no way to live. I just wish I could make myself love him, and want to be with him-it's like it's just not there. It is so painful to want it but it's like it is out of reach. The door is closed.

Right now, I feel I have nothing to give my HB, I don't want any affection, his kisses are irritating to me, and we have only had sex once in the last month. I just don't have any desire to be close to him at all.(Is that b/c of my A? I don't know) Our pastor (who has councilled us) says I have transfered my emotions to OM, and it is going to take time and work on HB part, to have those emotions brought back to the MG. He encourages us to give it time, and not to make any decisions right now.

It kills me when I think of leaving my kids, losing my family unit, my home,my vehicle, all of the nice things we have together and starting over at zero. The thought is unbearable, and right now where I am at, I don't feel I have the strength to leave at this time. I have to find a new job, and want to take some schooling. This does not sound good, I know, these are not reasons to stay-but it is where I am at.

I am hoping a miracle happens, and I start to feel for my HB again and the motivation comes back to work on things. Right now, he is the one who has hope for us both, and does not want to give up. If he was done too, we'd be on our own by now.

[bentnotbroken]

You don't need your H to agree with you to walk away. You can do that all by yourself, just as you had the affair by yourself. There is nothing wrong with burying what is dead. Bury it. You don't want to be there and you are only hurting everyone involved even more.

[woinlove]

I am feeling so torn..and am going through a major depressive episode so I wonder how clear my thinking is right now, given that I am still in the whirlwind of my A as well. It is an very awful place to be in limbo like this, but that is the motivation behind giving it more time to see how I feel in a few months. We decided, well HB wants to give it this time and reassess it and decide depending on how things are going if we will seperate or not. I am not too optimistic that my feelings will change, only b/c I have been "out of love" with HB for so long now. I feel I can't get back to a place of WANTING to be here, with HIM, and not because of the house and the kids and for financial reasons. I know these are not reasons to stay in a MG-but many ppl do stay in a state lie this b/c of that. I do not want to do that long term, that is no way to live. I just wish I could make myself love him, and want to be with him-it's like it's just not there. It is so painful to want it but it's like it is out of reach. The door is closed.

Right now, I feel I have nothing to give my HB, I don't want any affection, his kisses are irritating to me, and we have only had sex once in the last month. I just don't have any desire to be close to him at all.(Is that b/c of my A? I don't know) Our pastor (who has councilled us) says I have transfered my emotions to OM, and it is going to take time and work on HB part, to have those emotions brought back to the MG. He encourages us to give it time, and not to make any decisions right now.

It kills me when I think of leaving my kids, losing my family unit, my home,my vehicle, all of the nice things we have together and starting over at zero. The thought is unbearable, and right now where I am at, I don't feel I have the strength to leave at this time. I have to find a new job, and want to take some schooling. This does not sound good, I know, these are not reasons to stay-but it is where I am at.

I am hoping a miracle happens, and I start to feel for my HB again and the motivation comes back to work on things. Right now, he is the one who has hope for us both, and does not want to give up. If he was done too, we'd be on our own by now.

 

I agree with BNB. It sounds like you want to leave you marriage and you don't mention anything between you and your husband that is worth staying for. There is no reason to wait for him to end the marriage. You can do it yourself.

 

A marriage for the kids, family unit, home and vehicle sounds awful to me. I think a marriage should be between the two spouses first and foremost.

[flowergirl77]

I hope that my feelings change when I am feeling more clearheaded. Right now I am an emotional basket -case. One minute I am in, one minute I am out, next I am thinking of contacting OM (even though I know that is not the answer) I am all over the map. I do hope there is hope for my MG-but right now, on my end, it feels too far gone. Hoping for a miracle I guess.

[half_ofa_heart]

I had this post on the "infidelity" thread, but was not well liked at all over there. So thought I may get more understanding here. So here is a short version of a long story:

Married 9 years, 3 kids. I have been involved in and emotional affair for over a year now with a coworker. My HB knows everything, and we are trying to see if we can salvage our marriage, that feels very hopeless for many reasons.

I have tried to end it on several occasions, took a LOA at work and tried to maintain distance from OM while at work once I returned...this worked for about 2 weeks until we started to find it impossible to stay away from eachother. I got sucked back into it, and my HB saw the signs and confronted me with it. So I go the ultimatum-quit my job, or we get a divorce. So after fighting him on this, I decided to quit my job..hard as it was.

I met with OM one time since then-with the intention to say goodbye. We had such a great time over drinks...either of us wanted it to end.

HB found out we met...went ballistic. I was going to leave the next day to stay with a friend until I found a long term place...but I am still here. I think of leaving everyday. I think of the OM constantly.He asks about me through friends, says he misses me and wants to know how I am doing. I have had NC with OM for almost 4 weeks and it is killing me...I am not sure I can keep it up. I can't imagine never seeing him again...I just can't. How do I get passed this stage?

I am not sure if our MG has any hope-but I don;t want to divorce while still feeling feelings for OM..I know I am not clearheaded right now to make that decision....any advice from those who have BTDT and got free from their affair?

 

I followed your original thread over "on the dark side" and frankly was horrified at how they treated you. On some of those posts I felt like saying "Gee, it's shocking that anyone would ever cheat on you cuz you seem so loveable and understanding of human nature".

 

Not to say that being the OW/OM is all good and great but my point was/is that we are all human therefore make mistakes - especially where the heart is concerned.

 

It's not so much that you will get "sympathy" on this side as much as guidance into doing what's right for you and your situation. I hope you can get that here.

 

Hugs!

[BB07]

I hope that my feelings change when I am feeling more clearheaded. Right now I am an emotional basket -case. One minute I am in, one minute I am out, next I am thinking of contacting OM (even though I know that is not the answer) I am all over the map. I do hope there is hope for my MG-but right now, on my end, it feels too far gone. Hoping for a miracle I guess.

 

Hon you can't hang your life on hope. You have to take the wheel and drive.

[woinlove]

I hope that my feelings change when I am feeling more clearheaded. Right now I am an emotional basket -case. One minute I am in, one minute I am out, next I am thinking of contacting OM (even though I know that is not the answer) I am all over the map. I do hope there is hope for my MG-but right now, on my end, it feels too far gone. Hoping for a miracle I guess.

 

Well, when one has wonderful children and a shared history with their father, certainly life can be really great when the mother and father act as a loving team who fulfil each others needs for romantic intimacy. So, I fully understand why you hope for that and it would be great if that is how things work.

 

Just that most WS I've heard about who rebuilt good marriages started with a firm commitment to make it work. You seem to be lacking that, perhaps due to depression, perhaps due to some attachment to OM which will fade, perhaps something else.

 

It seems like you only hope for a good marriage whereas a good marriage requires, among other things, a decision and commitment to have and maintain one. I don't see how you will ever have a good marriage without making that decision and commitment. You think those will come to you at some later time. I think decisions and commitment don't just come - you make them happen and the results follow.

 

Having said all that, if you are really depressed, that is not a good time for such a life-altering decision. Then I would hope that you get good medical care and are healthy and strong again very soon. Meanwhile, if you don't find it even more depressing, hearing different views on LS or elsewhere, may give you some things to ponder which you can act on when you are healthy.

[flowergirl77]

I followed your original thread over "on the dark side" and frankly was horrified at how they treated you. On some of those posts I felt like saying "Gee, it's shocking that anyone would ever cheat on you cuz you seem so loveable and understanding of human nature".

 

Not to say that being the OW/OM is all good and great but my point was/is that we are all human therefore make mistakes - especially where the heart is concerned.

 

It's not so much that you will get "sympathy" on this side as much as guidance into doing what's right for you and your situation. I hope you can get that here.

 

Hugs!

 

Haha..yup, some angry ones over there for sure! I know full well I have done something immoral, wrong,disloyal etc, etc. It does not make me a bad person, or mean that I love my kids any less. Those that have been in my shoes know the pain of being caught in 2 relationships. It is UGLY.

[woinlove]

Hon you can't hang your life on hope. You have to take the wheel and drive.

 

BB07 said what I was thinking much more succinctly. This is what comes through your posts most clearly - you hope but don't decide, commit, or do. Maybe this is depression though.

[half_ofa_heart]

I hope that my feelings change when I am feeling more clearheaded. Right now I am an emotional basket -case. One minute I am in, one minute I am out, next I am thinking of contacting OM (even though I know that is not the answer) I am all over the map. I do hope there is hope for my MG-but right now, on my end, it feels too far gone. Hoping for a miracle I guess.

 

Of course you're all over the map - these are not easy decisions... especially when you know you're not thinking straight. Give yourself time and space. You should definitely seek counseling as they can help you get back on the right track.

 

Do not beat yourself up over this; you can only do what you are capable of doing which right now isn't much. Ask your H for space and time and hopefully he can give you that but you have to understand that you are not entitled to it. All you can do is ask. You need to find yourself again and figure out if what you are leaving for is the OM or just leaving the M. Those are two very different things and I'm sure your OM would not want that kind of responsibility.

 

Keep coming here and getting support as you will need it - especially on days like this.

[whichwayisup]

Just be completely open and honest with your husband. Tell him that you need time, a grace period to get over the A and what you felt for OM. Don't try to force yourself to feel intimacy towards your husband until the feelings for the OM really start to fade. Your husband seems patient and seems to be willing to work on the marriage, so Im sure he will give you that time to grieve and deal with stuff on your own. DO counseling on your own, without him to help you through this. But, you have to want to let go of OM and what you felt for him, give up any hope that the A will continue on, or any sort of friendship.

 

Once the fog lifts and OM isn't in your mind as he is now, reality of what is infront of you WILL become more clear.

 

You owe yourself, your husband and the kids a chance to see if the marriage is worth fixing and salvaging - If it doesn't work, atleast you'll know you did do your best.. To end it and walk away without trying is something you might regret one day. Even more so once affair fog is gone.

 

Be active with the NC in your mind too. Don't let yourself fantasize about OM, think about him, miss him..distract yourself and focus on letting go and acceptance..Owning your mistakes, working on you, how you can be a better person as a whole.

 

Keep posting and do look into one on one counselling with a trained professional that specializes in infidelity.

[Star_Bright]

Hi FlowerGirl.

 

I think you are doing the right things by trying to think this through and by coming here to gain perspective.

 

I understand your sitch not because I am married or in a relationship (I am not, and wasn't when I was with exMM) but because it was very hard for me to maintain NC. I was addicted to exMM and in my sitch he was very very unhealthy/toxic for me. In choosing to be with him I lost my job (he was my boss and his wife worked there too) and a lot of my self-esteem and probably some of my professional and personal reputation as well. I needed to get away from him but the harder I tried, the more I felt pulled to him, and I had several failed attempts before I finally went NC for good.

 

In your sitch (which I just read on the infidelity section and I too am sorry that they were making you out to be some kind of monster when you came here looking for help), I don't necessarily think this is very much about your OM. I think your marriage was in a bad spot and/or your husband isn't right for you, and so OM could have been just about anyone. It seems clear you don't want to be with him right now and you know that this isn't about him. Plus, he's jobless, homeless, and going through a divorce... which wouldn't be great things in your life right now.

 

So I think your addiction to OM is more about your unhappiness with your marriage than it is about OM. This is just my opinion of course but I thought I would share it.

 

Irregardless, if you want to stay married then you cannot talk to OM anymore. I do get what the people in Infidelity were saying - that is just cruel to your husband to keep breaking NC - even though they were saying it judgmentally. And it probably isn't good for you individually to be talking to OM because it will distract you from focusing on your own issues. So how to break the spell? Well here is what I did:

 

I started to realize that it is about what I value, what I prioritize. I needed to prioritize myself and my own life (career, relationship with friends, self-esteem... everything that was being eroded by being with exMM) and every time I thought of contacting exMM I had to tell myself, "he is not your priority. You value a better life, and he cannot give that to you."

 

At first it was "fake it till you make it" but then I really did start feeling good about following the path I wanted to take instead of giving into talking to him. In your case right now you value, maybe your marriage/husband, or maybe just clarity to figure out if you should stay married or not... so just keep that goal in mind every time you want to contact exMM. I would also say that you have such a strong reason to not contact exMM that you should tell yourself if you do ever cave and contact him again, you will have to divorce your husband. Because you know that doing that is only going to hurt your husband more, so why not just rip off the band-aid and divorce him since you can't stop hurting him? (I'm not saying he hasn't done anything wrong or even that he is right for you... if you want my blunt opinion, you should get divorced and move on to something bigger and better than OM... but that is your decision to make and as long as you stay married and tell your husband you want to work on things, you really have to make that your priority and follow through, or else just let him go.)

 

I hope I've been of some help even though I've never been in your shoes. Good luck to you and I wish you clarity and peace... I know how confusing and painful it can be. Hugs.

[flowergirl77]

So do any of you have suggestions of what the heck I should do to gain some clarity....

If I am feeling so muddled, like I am losing my sanity, how do I move forward when I am so confused, and disconnected from my HB.

I know NC with OM is what is best for all involved...but it has been very painful, and it just feels wrong to cut the ties the way I have. I left it with our last phone conversation, I told him I have to focus on my family right now, and seeing and talking to him will only complicate matters. I told him if we were meant to be anything more to each other, it can not be under these terms. That if it is meant to be, we will meet again. He asked me to not wait to long before contacting him again, as it was killing him the thought of not seeing me again. So that is how it was left. Kind of a sweet way to end it, but I feel he is kind of waiting for that call or email from me....someday.

The OM talks to my friends (my ex co-workers, as he works with them) and has asked one of them how I am doing, that he misses me so much, to tell me to call him..so when I hear this I feel sad. He is respecting me enough to maintain NC, but I can see he still misses me. He is D his W and is going through a tough time himself. I just have the urge to call him just to see how he is doing. I don`t want him to think I hate him. I have no anger or bad feelings toward him at all-so that is what makes this so difficult! I wish I had something to hate him for...but how can I have bad feelings for someone who brought such good feelings into my life. What a mess.

[bentnotbroken]

So do any of you have suggestions of what the heck I should do to gain some clarity....

If I am feeling so muddled, like I am losing my sanity, how do I move forward when I am so confused, and disconnected from my HB.

I know NC with OM is what is best for all involved...but it has been very painful, and it just feels wrong to cut the ties the way I have. I left it with our last phone conversation, I told him I have to focus on my family right now, and seeing and talking to him will only complicate matters. I told him if we were meant to be anything more to each other, it can not be under these terms. That if it is meant to be, we will meet again. He asked me to not wait to long before contacting him again, as it was killing him the thought of not seeing me again. So that is how it was left. Kind of a sweet way to end it, but I feel he is kind of waiting for that call or email from me....someday.

The OM talks to my friends (my ex co-workers, as he works with them) and has asked one of them how I am doing, that he misses me so much, to tell me to call him..so when I hear this I feel sad. He is respecting me enough to maintain NC, but I can see he still misses me. He is D his W and is going through a tough time himself. I just have the urge to call him just to see how he is doing. I don`t want him to think I hate him. I have no anger or bad feelings toward him at all-so that is what makes this so difficult! I wish I had something to hate him for...but how can I have bad feelings for someone who brought such good feelings into my life. What a mess.

 

 

Asking friends about you and telling them to have you call him IS NOT respecting NC.

[half_ofa_heart]

So do any of you have suggestions of what the heck I should do to gain some clarity....

If I am feeling so muddled, like I am losing my sanity, how do I move forward when I am so confused, and disconnected from my HB.

I know NC with OM is what is best for all involved...but it has been very painful, and it just feels wrong to cut the ties the way I have. I left it with our last phone conversation, I told him I have to focus on my family right now, and seeing and talking to him will only complicate matters. I told him if we were meant to be anything more to each other, it can not be under these terms. That if it is meant to be, we will meet again. He asked me to not wait to long before contacting him again, as it was killing him the thought of not seeing me again. So that is how it was left. Kind of a sweet way to end it, but I feel he is kind of waiting for that call or email from me....someday.

The OM talks to my friends (my ex co-workers, as he works with them) and has asked one of them how I am doing, that he misses me so much, to tell me to call him..so when I hear this I feel sad. He is respecting me enough to maintain NC, but I can see he still misses me. He is D his W and is going through a tough time himself. I just have the urge to call him just to see how he is doing. I don`t want him to think I hate him. I have no anger or bad feelings toward him at all-so that is what makes this so difficult! I wish I had something to hate him for...but how can I have bad feelings for someone who brought such good feelings into my life. What a mess.

 

Unfortunately, the only way to gain clarity is to stay NC. Of course, it's the hardest thing to do cuz it just feels natural to fall back into what felt so comfortable especially when you are feeling so lousy!

 

I found that sometimes writing OM an email or letter is a good way to get the feelings out of your head but DO NOT SEND THEM! You can pretend you are talking to him but don't send them. It helps to ease the pain of NC and helps to get your own feelings sorted out. It's like journaling except you're telling your best friend. Try it - it has helped me a lot.

[siuys]

Unfortunately yes, only way to gain clarity is to stay NC and get space and distance. It is hard of course, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. And it gets easier. You have to start somewhere. Make a decision and stick to it. It's not only for your own clarity, but for everyone involved as well...