HalfAlive22 Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I really need sound logical advice. I've been here before but for a short recap, my husband was/is a serial cheater..He's cheated about 10 different times between 2003-2008, the last being an affair that lasted 4 months, where he wanted to leave us for her..or thought he did, until he told me and I wanted to work it out. I found out about all of his affairs in 2008, and for some reason have tried to stay with him. At first it was fear (i've been with him since the age of 15) a little of it was not wanting to let "her " win, and some was the kids and all the other things that go along with a 19 year marriage. we went to counceling for almost two years, but he has stopped going. He has'nt changed much of his surroundings..still plays in a band, is at the same job..although in management now. Anyway, I've caught him a couple times texting people he knows..girls and flirting with them on fb. Well, crazy me decide to test him out a couple monthes ago and I made up a fake fb account, pretending to be someone he cheated on but not telling him who, I wanted to see how he would react. It was'nt good..he talked a lot about "her" and hoped it was her, and how he had to do the right thing..total bs! he begged me to stay. when i confronted him, he said he was just trying to figure out who it was, so they would'nt bother me or him anymore. I took it a little further and asked him to meet me somewhere, and that I would tell him who it was..he bit, he did'nt tell me he was getting these messages and decided to meet her (me) of course she..(me) did not show up. A gain when i confronted him, he said he wanted to know who it was! because she kept bothering us! I was very angry, I think he should of told me he was getting messages in the first place, if he really was just trying to see who it was , why not tell me? then just the other morning when he was in the shower I looked at his phone and there were messages to a co-worker, about how his day was and he asked how hers was ect. and he asked if they were still meeting at 5 that day! when i confronted him he said it was a co-worker who took a cpr class and he had to drop off her card, and that she has a boyfriend and nothing is going on...ok am i freaking for nothiNG? i mean i made up the fake person, and what if it was just a friend he was talking too..I have no solid proof of anything so I don't knowwhat to do at this point. i know the answer is obvious..but it's not that easy...any thoughts? throw em at me!
UnsureinSeattle Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Logically? You already know what the answer is. You set up a trap; he fell for it... He's cheated a bunch of times in the past, and, apparently, you're still together, so he knows there are no real consequences. He hasn't changed.
Rose1977 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 I do not think you are being paranoid at all, and I think the signs are all there. I am a BGF, so I do know exactly how you feel. The only thing I can tell you is that when my BF made a conscious decision to change his behavior and make the relationship work, the changes were obvious. I did the same thing - testing him with a fake FB acct. Not my finest moment, but I had to see if these changes he made were real or if he was just saying what I wanted to hear. His response to the fake FB message was to not reply AND block the account. I know how desperately you want to hear something different than what I am saying, but I truly think you deserve better and I think you know that.
Linda9999 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 If anything, you aren't paranoid enough. If he was the least bit committed he wouldn't be doing ANY of that stuff. If you really want to work on things, he has to have NO contact with ANYone inappropriate, and he has to become an open book to you. You need full access to his emails, bank accounts, cell phone, everything. If he balks at any of that, it would be game over for me. My husband was caught cheating in March this year and like the previous poster, the change in him is obvious. He wouldn't be doing anything like that in the first place, because he knows that, innocent or not, it's NOT appropriate.
hoping2heal Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 I really need sound logical advice. I've been here before but for a short recap, my husband was/is a serial cheater..He's cheated about 10 different times between 2003-2008, the last being an affair that lasted 4 months, where he wanted to leave us for her..or thought he did, until he told me and I wanted to work it out. I found out about all of his affairs in 2008, and for some reason have tried to stay with him. At first it was fear (i've been with him since the age of 15) a little of it was not wanting to let "her " win, and some was the kids and all the other things that go along with a 19 year marriage. we went to counceling for almost two years, but he has stopped going. He has'nt changed much of his surroundings..still plays in a band, is at the same job..although in management now. Anyway, I've caught him a couple times texting people he knows..girls and flirting with them on fb. Well, crazy me decide to test him out a couple monthes ago and I made up a fake fb account, pretending to be someone he cheated on but not telling him who, I wanted to see how he would react. It was'nt good..he talked a lot about "her" and hoped it was her, and how he had to do the right thing..total bs! he begged me to stay. when i confronted him, he said he was just trying to figure out who it was, so they would'nt bother me or him anymore. I took it a little further and asked him to meet me somewhere, and that I would tell him who it was..he bit, he did'nt tell me he was getting these messages and decided to meet her (me) of course she..(me) did not show up. A gain when i confronted him, he said he wanted to know who it was! because she kept bothering us! I was very angry, I think he should of told me he was getting messages in the first place, if he really was just trying to see who it was , why not tell me? then just the other morning when he was in the shower I looked at his phone and there were messages to a co-worker, about how his day was and he asked how hers was ect. and he asked if they were still meeting at 5 that day! when i confronted him he said it was a co-worker who took a cpr class and he had to drop off her card, and that she has a boyfriend and nothing is going on...ok am i freaking for nothiNG? i mean i made up the fake person, and what if it was just a friend he was talking too..I have no solid proof of anything so I don't knowwhat to do at this point. i know the answer is obvious..but it's not that easy...any thoughts? throw em at me! I'm not quite sure what it is you are expecting. Are you hoping if the two of you stay together that you will wake up tomorrow and he will be a different man than he is? Not going to happen. I don't buy it for one minute that he was just "trying to see who it was" BS. Secondly, if someone WAS bothering him? He absolutely - should of told you what was happening and then put her on block..going to meet up? I'm sorry but this man is both stupid and a cheater. I knew a serial cheater once (not dated) and he got busted by his wife when she did something similiar and talking about how angry he was at her for setting him up..uhm, really???! All I could think was "wow, you are stupid..you've cheated how many times and have been caught..and you blindly just take up some lady online?" But he did and he was busted. After that his wife actually did leave the M. I think she needed to see for herself who he really was. Again, I'm not sure what to say. It's obvious he is up to no good and has not changed by the way, is there total transparency with him now? e.g you should have all his passwords, access to look at his phone whenever you want, etc. This isn't something that should happen normally but in RS where trust has been breached - transparency is really important. Do you two have that set in place?
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 I really need sound logical advice. I've been here before but for a short recap, my husband was/is a serial cheater..He's cheated about 10 different times between 2003-2008, the last being an affair that lasted 4 months, where he wanted to leave us for her..or thought he did, until he told me and I wanted to work it out. I found out about all of his affairs in 2008, and for some reason have tried to stay with him. At first it was fear (i've been with him since the age of 15) a little of it was not wanting to let "her " win, and some was the kids and all the other things that go along with a 19 year marriage. we went to counceling for almost two years, but he has stopped going. He has'nt changed much of his surroundings..still plays in a band, is at the same job..although in management now. Anyway, I've caught him a couple times texting people he knows..girls and flirting with them on fb. Well, crazy me decide to test him out a couple monthes ago and I made up a fake fb account, pretending to be someone he cheated on but not telling him who, I wanted to see how he would react. It was'nt good..he talked a lot about "her" and hoped it was her, and how he had to do the right thing..total bs! he begged me to stay. when i confronted him, he said he was just trying to figure out who it was, so they would'nt bother me or him anymore. I took it a little further and asked him to meet me somewhere, and that I would tell him who it was..he bit, he did'nt tell me he was getting these messages and decided to meet her (me) of course she..(me) did not show up. A gain when i confronted him, he said he wanted to know who it was! because she kept bothering us! I was very angry, I think he should of told me he was getting messages in the first place, if he really was just trying to see who it was , why not tell me? then just the other morning when he was in the shower I looked at his phone and there were messages to a co-worker, about how his day was and he asked how hers was ect. and he asked if they were still meeting at 5 that day! when i confronted him he said it was a co-worker who took a cpr class and he had to drop off her card, and that she has a boyfriend and nothing is going on...ok am i freaking for nothiNG? i mean i made up the fake person, and what if it was just a friend he was talking too..I have no solid proof of anything so I don't knowwhat to do at this point. i know the answer is obvious..but it's not that easy...any thoughts? throw em at me! Seriously girl...get rid of this dude...I dont care if you have 1 or 10 kids with this guy. This man is dirt dirt dirt...and he'll keep on treating YOU like dirt cause...well you let him. PLease have some SELF RESPECT! This man has cheated on you 10 damn times in 5 years and your asking if your paranoid...HOLY CRAP!!!!! Come on woman...step it up and ship his ass out! LIKE YESTERDAY!!!!!!
BB07 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 HalfAlive, to think that you are living the way you are makes me sad. 10 times......and you know in your gut that you can't and won't ever trust him or else you wouldn't have set up the fake account and you caught him red handed.......and really how screwed up is it that you trust him so little that you'd take those measures? Don't allow your kids to witness his abuse of you, they will learn all the wrong things and make no mistake it is abuse.
rowell2024 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 HalfAlive22, you've been given advice over and over concerning your serial cheater husband. It doesn't look like you're listening. You even admit to having a revenge affair. Sometimes love just isn't enough.
Kendrick Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I agree with the others. There probably is no "relapsing". He probably never really stopped. As someone else pointed out, he never really had any consequences, you stayed, so there for that just reinforced the fact to him he could keep doing whatever he wanted.
Author HalfAlive22 Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Well thank you all for the replies, though I pretty much knew what they would be. I wish I knew what was holding me down, and holding me back from leaving, it's crazy, I feel crazy and depressed 90 percent of my life, it's been two years, and it seems to get worse, the more I try to talk to him about it the more he gets depressed himself, he wants to know why do I keep dwelling on the past, when we are getting better, and out family is happier. The problem is I"m not, and I feel guilty, the kids are in a good place, I feel terrible tearing their world apart again. It would almost be easier if we did'nt get along, if we did'nt have a great sex life, if we did'nt hold eachother every mourning and say how much we love eachother, if we did'nt have so much fun together when we were out together, I almost want to catch him again so I"d have another reason to leave...a final reason I guess, may sound crazy, but thats where I'm at. I day dream about what it would be like on my own, without this heavyness hanging over me..sometimes I just want to go to sleep forever so I could forget about it all!
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