cosmopolite27 Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Hi everyone. I'm a 32 year old guy.. pretty much have my career together and can see a future of me staying at my current job for years to come. I have no intentions of moving anywhere, and if the right person were to come along I would move away from the "dating" part of my life. In other words, I'm looking for a serious relationship that has good future potential leading towards marriage and a family. The girl I just started seeing about two months ago is 34. She is not a U.S. citizen (from Canada) and is here finishing up her post-doc work. She is smart, good looking, and we have gotten along really well together. The main problem confronting this is: She has just about everything I want in a person minus one thing- she now needs a real job. She has told me that she has been applying pretty much anywhere (back home in Canada) and all over the United States. She said that she wants to stay in this city but would have to jump on any opportunities for work experience, etc. What this means to me is that if this relationship continues, that she could possibly up and have to leave. I really don't know what the future holds.. who knows.. she could find a job here in a few months or not. She has also indicated to me that she would like to not have kids within the first year of being married.. and that she would like to spend a bit of time traveling with that person. Given her age of 34, this means that she might be having a kid until 36 or 37.. which I'm not so sure about. So now.. I sit here and think, "What should I do?" (Cue Lebron spoof here.) I like her a lot, but my future with her could be done as soon as she gets a job somewhere else. I'm not sure about having a kid who at the age of 20 has a mother who is near 60. Being my age, I guess there is no rush and that I COULD wait things out to see where they go... but I am also eager to be in a relationship with definite future potential. I'm feeling pressed to make a decision about this soon because I feel the relationship moving towards a rhythm that will be very difficult to break if it continues on like this. If she had a job she was happy with in this city I think there would be serious potential... but that is uncertain and I feel like I should still be actively looking for someone who will be secure. I feel bad about that at the same time because she is such a great girl, but I also feel that I need to look out for myself. Thanks for the input.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 (edited) Easier said than done, but just don't invest any more in her emotionally. Given the circumstances, I think you can wait around a few more months and see how things play out. As far as wanting "definite future potential"...doesn't exist. Anything that combines "definite" with "future" is an oxymoron. I do understand your point though, you don't want to waste your time. I think you should just slow the pace of the relationship and not advance it all, so don't do things like spend holidays together or meet family/friends, and just enjoy the time you do have and just be prepared for it to end quickly. Edited December 15, 2010 by BackUpOrGetStung
yah Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 When does her post-doc end? Dating for 2 months I doubt she'd stay there just for you. How strong of a desire does she have to stay? Because if she really wanted to, I bet she could. It may not be the *perfect* job what job is? Some people say you HAVE TO move but I think in about 95% of career fields its not necessary. Where I am, we have post-docs who stay in this city after they are done because they've made a family here. They just need to make contacts wayyy ahead of time and be OK with a less than perfect position. If her desires for an *excellent* job offer is strong tho I'd cut ties ASAP.
Author cosmopolite27 Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 Her Post-Doc ends very soon. Basically she has a couple things to wrap up, and she says at least within a year or the next few months she hopes that she will have moved on from her current job. She is in the medical research field. She apparently has debt from college and needs a good job in order to start paying it off and make a good living. (her current post-doc is only about $40K a year.) She had a job interview last week in another city.. apparently she finds out about it tomorrow. This whole discussion could be solved if she gets it, but if not then it leaves an indefinite scenario for the future.
zengirl Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 When does her post-doc end? Dating for 2 months I doubt she'd stay there just for you. How strong of a desire does she have to stay? Because if she really wanted to, I bet she could. It may not be the *perfect* job what job is? Some people say you HAVE TO move but I think in about 95% of career fields its not necessary. Where I am, we have post-docs who stay in this city after they are done because they've made a family here. They just need to make contacts wayyy ahead of time and be OK with a less than perfect position. If her desires for an *excellent* job offer is strong tho I'd cut ties ASAP. It might be an issue where there are very few jobs there that can give her work status, as a foreigner (yes, even Canadians). That happens. That's what I was unclear on.
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