Feelin Frisky Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 (edited) OK, here's the question: "so, if the right guy came along, is marriage something you'd be into at this place in your life?" Here's the scenario: I had a nice date with a girl in my class in night school a few years back (School of Visual Arts in NYC). We went to a dance club and then a nice coffee shop for a desert and some expresso. At the end of the date I parked with her outside her apartment house in my car. In the conversation I gently probed: "so, if the right guy came along is marriage something you'd be into at this place in your life?" She went cold. I think she thought I was asking her if she would consider marrying ME. She even stayed cold in class like I really frosted her with that question. Needless to say, there was no second date. Ladies, would you field that question as a hypothetical to tell the guy if marriage is something you be into with WHOMEVER? Or would you get all verklempt and take it personal? Assume that the date was really great and we're attracted to each other, I was very gentlemanly in all my manner to that point and I wasn't blunt in asking the question but pitched it appropriately in the moment. All right, now hit me with it. Edited December 15, 2010 by Feelin Frisky
Cee Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I think the question is okay if you are on the topic already. For example, talking about future dreams and goals. That stuff has come up on first dates, usually in the middle of a long conversation. But then it's dropped and forgotten. However, bringing up the question at the end of the date is a bit weird to me. The talk in the car is usually about the possibility of the next date. Or saying how much you enjoyed their company. It's not closer conversation, imo. I admit, I'd be a little freaked by that question. But if I liked the guy, I'd probably turn it into a joke and brush it off. I don't think I'd freeze somebody out completely for bringing it up. This woman may have had other issues.
sb129 Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Dude, the word "marriage" on a first date is never a good idea. Its too much too soon- people hear the word and don't think beyond that. That also applies to discussing previous marriages on a first date. Most men would freak out the same way if the roles were reversed. I would have taken it the same way if it had been me. Perhaps not after a few months of dating, but definitely on the first date, thats way too heavy for me.
zengirl Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 OK, here's the question: "so, if the right guy came along, is marriage something you'd be into at this place in your life?" Here's the scenario: I had a nice date with a girl in my class in night school a few years back (School of Visual Arts in NYC). We went to a dance club and then a nice coffee shop for a desert and some expresso. At the end of the date I parked with her outside her apartment house in my car. In the conversation I gently probed: "so, if the right guy came along is marriage something you'd be into at this place in your life?" She went cold. I think she thought I was asking her if she would consider marrying ME. She even stayed cold in class like I really frosted her with that question. Needless to say, there was no second date. Ladies, would you field that question as a hypothetical to tell the guy if marriage is something you be into with WHOMEVER? Or would you get all verklempt and take it personal? Assume that the date was really great and we're attracted to each other, I was very gentlemanly in all my manner to that point and I wasn't blunt in asking the question but pitched it appropriately in the moment. All right, now hit me with it. Unless there were major, Earth-shattering, world-blowing chemistry, and potentially some sort of kismet/serendipity to being with that person -- shared history, near misses, etc -- I would find that a very, very strange question for an early date, especially raised directly like that.
artchick88 Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 i think there is probably a reason you asked that question, and i think every question a person asks has some sort of relevance to the person themselves, otherwise why would someone ask it? ^did that make sense? I guess she probably thought you had an agenda, like seeing if she was potential wife material. If a guy asked me that on the first date I would probably be turned off. After a series of dates and some form of commitment, no I wouldn't be turned off, I would probably like it. For example, I asked my SO if he was interested in having kids. This is something I would ask a friend or family member just in conversation, but obviously in asking him, it held more weight than asking just a friend. Does that help?
denise_xo Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Well, it would depend who asked it :love: More seriously: That question at a very early stage in the process would freak me out a little bit, because I wouldn't separate it fully from any personal agenda in the context of a date (like artchick was saying). But it wouldn't necesarily put me off the guy if I liked him, it's definitely not grounds for a cold front on its own.
ItsNeverForever Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Well, I guess I'm a weirdo! That question would bother me or put me off at all, first date or not. I've always been an "anything goes" kind of person in conversation - there's really not much that offends me, and I am the kind of person that asks lots of questions all the time, purely out of curiosity, that may put others off. I'm also always open to answering questions, even if they are "weird" or timed poorly. I dunno, I seem to be able to tune in pretty well to the intentions behind a person's questions so I rarely feel "alarmed" by those of a personal nature or that may seem premature. Uh, I think I just said the same thing twice, in different ways. I talktoo much.
sb129 Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 He said "at this place in your life" too, which translates as "now" or "soon". If someone had asked me if I wanted to get married "one day" that would have been better, as it suggests "in the future" or "later".
BlueRidgeMTs Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 If you DO eventually want to be married, and dont want to waste your time on dating women who have no interest in that, I can understand why you asked the question. I might have been able to handle that, if I was totally feeling the guy. I dont get freaked out too easily. However, in the future, maybe wait until you are in the MIDDLE of the date, having that typical "getting to know you conversation'. and ask the question like this; So, what are your goals for the future. Do you want to change jobs, get your Master's degree, get married, etc.." Slide it in there like that.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 That question would unsettle me if it came before we'd established a good level of chemistry, the kind that takes a number of dates and at least a few deep conversations to build. It would communicate to me that he either: 1. really, really likes me, or 2. is just looking for someone, anyone, to fill that position, and not necessarily asking because he's genuinely interested in me. I think certain conversation topics are best left off the table for the first few dates -- exes, sexual fetishes, emotional baggage, and marriage are a few! Still, if I really liked him, it wouldn't be a deal breaker. I'd answer the question honestly. But it would raise a yellow flag and, moving forward, make me evaluate his attitudes about the subject carefully.
hoping2heal Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 OK, here's the question: "so, if the right guy came along, is marriage something you'd be into at this place in your life?" Here's the scenario: I had a nice date with a girl in my class in night school a few years back (School of Visual Arts in NYC). We went to a dance club and then a nice coffee shop for a desert and some expresso. At the end of the date I parked with her outside her apartment house in my car. In the conversation I gently probed: "so, if the right guy came along is marriage something you'd be into at this place in your life?" She went cold. I think she thought I was asking her if she would consider marrying ME. She even stayed cold in class like I really frosted her with that question. Needless to say, there was no second date. Ladies, would you field that question as a hypothetical to tell the guy if marriage is something you be into with WHOMEVER? Or would you get all verklempt and take it personal? Assume that the date was really great and we're attracted to each other, I was very gentlemanly in all my manner to that point and I wasn't blunt in asking the question but pitched it appropriately in the moment. All right, now hit me with it. I'd take it to mean you are at the point in your life where you see marriage as an option in your future you would like. Not that it would mean you wanted to marry me, but more like asking if things turned out really great, can I see myself getting married? Now, that assumption could of been wrong. You could have been asking me to make sure I was cool with a wham, bam, thankyou mam. Us ladies, we think so highly of ourselves
Star Gazer Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I would actually very much appreciate the question, as the answer would be yes, and the fact you asked it would indicate you are in the same place. It would tell me that we're both looking for the same thing at this stage in our lives, and it would give me confidence that if I continued dating you, you wouldn't be a player or a commitment-phobic.
yah Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I would be shocked but I'll get over it as I am not scared of the topic. The shock would be because it was asked so directly and unprovoked. Perhaps a better question would be "So what are you looking for in a relationship?" asked nonchalantly during coffee.
EasyHeart Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 I'm a guy, but I'll answer anyway. I think if you're in your 20s, it's an odd question and might seem awkward. If you're north of 35 or so (and I seem to recall that you are), it's a pretty standard question that everyone expects and everyone has an answer for. But I usually wait for the woman to raise these sorts of things, and then turn the question back on her. But obviously it bothered THIS particular woman, so I guess the answer is that "Yes, it does bother some women". As someone else said, though, it might just have been the context. If you're having a quiet dinner and talking about past relationships, it would fit naturally into the conversation; if you asked it out of the blue, it might seem awkward.
Author Feelin Frisky Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 (edited) i think there is probably a reason you asked that question, and i think every question a person asks has some sort of relevance to the person themselves, otherwise why would someone ask it? ^did that make sense? I guess she probably thought you had an agenda, like seeing if she was potential wife material. If a guy asked me that on the first date I would probably be turned off. After a series of dates and some form of commitment, no I wouldn't be turned off, I would probably like it. For example, I asked my SO if he was interested in having kids. This is something I would ask a friend or family member just in conversation, but obviously in asking him, it held more weight than asking just a friend. Does that help? Yep. You made sense and helped. I mentioned that it was in NYC for a reason too in my OP. Dance clubs are too loud to have get-aquainted conversations and even coffee shops can be noisy and busy. All of the body language through all that noise WAS encouraging if not enticing however. And we had been seeing each other in class and speaking around the edges of school for months, so it wasn't like this is the first date with an absolute stranger you've never laid eyes on before. So, the car was the first quiet time to talk that night and we WERE talking about the "getting-to-know-you" kind of things like where you're at and where you're going. I would have been good with ANY answer--like say, "oh, not for another ten years" or "I could be had by the RIGHT guy" or even a challenge asking me why I asked. It was no big thing in my head. But she ventured no response at all. I guess the theme of the question deep down though was please don't use me like the other recent foreign import chicks have who think an Ameican guy is just fine dropping hundreds of dollars and big swaths of time on someone who absolutely has no interest whatever in a real relationship. I think my question probably called her on her shi+ right away and she realized I'm not going to be a docile dupe. Game over. Oh well. Edited December 16, 2010 by Feelin Frisky
Author Feelin Frisky Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 Well, I guess I'm a weirdo! That question would [not] bother me or put me off at all, first date or not. I've always been an "anything goes" kind of person in conversation - there's really not much that offends me, and I am the kind of person that asks lots of questions all the time, purely out of curiosity, that may put others off. I'm also always open to answering questions, even if they are "weird" or timed poorly. I dunno, I seem to be able to tune in pretty well to the intentions behind a person's questions so I rarely feel "alarmed" by those of a personal nature or that may seem premature. Uh, I think I just said the same thing twice, in different ways. I talktoo much. Great outlook. Now, that's what I'm talking about. BTW, I took the liberty of adding a word it seems was ommitted on your post in my quote (bolded above).
make me believe Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 I don't understand why this question would bother so many people. It wouldn't bother me or freak me out at all. In fact, I'd probably be the one asking it! I brought the topic up to my fiance on our 3rd date. (Though, really, it was our first proper date.) I just didn't want to waste my time on somebody who wasn't looking for marriage. If a guy asked me about my intentions very early on, I would find it to be a refreshing change from most guys. I hate tip-toeing around things like that and I think it's best to make sure you're on the same page from the very beginning.
Author Feelin Frisky Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 I don't understand why this question would bother so many people. It wouldn't bother me or freak me out at all. In fact, I'd probably be the one asking it! I brought the topic up to my fiance on our 3rd date. (Though, really, it was our first proper date.) I just didn't want to waste my time on somebody who wasn't looking for marriage. If a guy asked me about my intentions very early on, I would find it to be a refreshing change from most guys. I hate tip-toeing around things like that and I think it's best to make sure you're on the same page from the very beginning. You made me believe. Now I'm on a winning streak. Come on all you sensible women out there, tell me I'm the good guy here like I know I am. Post up.
elaina Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 You made me believe. Now I'm on a winning streak. Come on all you sensible women out there, tell me I'm the good guy here like I know I am. Post up. Lol, well I maybe am not a "sensible" woman, but I don't think you did a bad thing at all asking... now if you asked "Will you marry me right now... let's go to Las Vegas honey!" that'd be different lol, but you didn't. You weren't even asking about her and you. Your question was fine, and her obvious having a problem with your question is an answer by itself.
Author Feelin Frisky Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 Lol, well I maybe am not a "sensible" woman, but I don't think you did a bad thing at all asking... now if you asked "Will you marry me right now... let's go to Las Vegas honey!" that'd be different lol, but you didn't. You weren't even asking about her and you. Your question was fine, and her obvious having a problem with your question is an answer by itself. Thank you. *puffs*
Ruby Slippers Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 If you want an ego stroke instead of an honest answer, just ask. Believe me, I'd be happy to stroke your ego, Frisky.
tigressA Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 I agree with artchick on this one. First date? Yeah, I'd be a little put off. If I otherwise liked the guy I wouldn't write him off because of it. I feel much more comfortable answering/asking a question like that after a few dates. You can still find out what someone's looking for without having to explicitly bring up marriage.
Author Feelin Frisky Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 It happened at the end of an otherwise nice night--which of course I footed the bill for. I tried to make it sound innocent, innocuous and in the fluid dynamic of the moment of our conversation but in essence it was my way of asking: so is there any sense in me bothering with you again? or, do you just want to tease and free load off me for a couple more outings before telling me ______ (fill in the blank with whatever sorry-but-you-ain't-gonna-get-it kiss off)
Author Feelin Frisky Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 ..Believe me, I'd be happy to stroke your ego, Frisky. You know, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Come to think of it, it's the only thing you've ever said to me. I'd actually believe you but then the sun glasses smiley makes me wonder. Pleased to make your acquaintance RS regardless.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 You know, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Come to think of it, it's the only thing you've ever said to me. I'd actually believe you but then the sun glasses smiley makes me wonder. Pleased to make your acquaintance RS regardless. What? I have talked to you directly many times, including plenty of mild flirtation. Because I have always thought you seem cool and sexy. Let me be a little clearer with my smilie bombs this time:
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