calliope Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Today was a better day, even though I saw him at work. I knew I might see him today, but honestly expected him to take this week off. I didn't want to be surprised when I walked into the office, so I left a little early so I had time to drive past where he usually parks, so I'd have a head's up. His truck was there. I felt sick and started shaking. I went into the office and acted like everything was normal. At one point we came face to face walking down the hall. We both said hi, (it'd have been rude not to, we were the only ones there). He asked "how are you?" and I just kept walking...... I had to work the rest of the day at a different location and as much as I wanted to be at the main office, I'm sure it's a good thing I wasn't. When I returned to the main office at the end of the day he was still there but I didn't speak to him at all. I'm a little bit of a wreck tonight and feeling at odds, but I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I'd be....
siuys Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Well done, Calli. I cannot possibly imagine how hard it is to work in the same office as MM. Considering that you are doing extremely well. Good that you didn't speak to him either. What is the point?! It's Day 16 for me. I can't believe i'm counting the days like counting down to an exciting holiday or something (I wish!). But it's important for me. My first milestone will be one month i.e. 1 Jan 2011! Doing well except obsessive thinking seems to set in at around 3am in the morning and sometimes I cannot go back to sleep. But am working on that. What a waste of time. I could be having lovely dreams and getting a good night's rest when my chatterbox is going mental about xMM and all the crap. Hang in there, Calli. It will only get easier.
Author calliope Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Well done, Calli. I cannot possibly imagine how hard it is to work in the same office as MM. Considering that you are doing extremely well. Good that you didn't speak to him either. What is the point?! It's Day 16 for me. I can't believe i'm counting the days like counting down to an exciting holiday or something (I wish!). But it's important for me. My first milestone will be one month i.e. 1 Jan 2011! Doing well except obsessive thinking seems to set in at around 3am in the morning and sometimes I cannot go back to sleep. But am working on that. What a waste of time. I could be having lovely dreams and getting a good night's rest when my chatterbox is going mental about xMM and all the crap. Hang in there, Calli. It will only get easier. Thanks siuys. Working together is actually probably easier for me than many other workplace As. We're in law enforcement & work shifts so aren't always on the same shift. It's still hard when we're on the same shift though, knowing he's only a few yards away from me...or closer. But we've been here before, albeit not quite as deep in as this time. I just have to make sure to stay away from those coffee breaks, lunch breaks and other stolen opportunities to have personal conversations. Many people at work know what's going on and that we've been involved for awhile. It's near impossible to hide the way you look at someone, even if they are talking about boring work stuff... I'm glad to hear you're still holding out. There's nothing wrong with counting down, I'm doing the same thing - one calendar in my kitchen, one by my bedside, one by the computer. I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm doing ok wherever I am. Day 16 is more than halfway to your one month mark... hang in there.
half_ofa_heart Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Today was a better day, even though I saw him at work. I knew I might see him today, but honestly expected him to take this week off. I didn't want to be surprised when I walked into the office, so I left a little early so I had time to drive past where he usually parks, so I'd have a head's up. His truck was there. I felt sick and started shaking. I went into the office and acted like everything was normal. At one point we came face to face walking down the hall. We both said hi, (it'd have been rude not to, we were the only ones there). He asked "how are you?" and I just kept walking...... I had to work the rest of the day at a different location and as much as I wanted to be at the main office, I'm sure it's a good thing I wasn't. When I returned to the main office at the end of the day he was still there but I didn't speak to him at all. I'm a little bit of a wreck tonight and feeling at odds, but I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I'd be.... Progress is Progress! We have to take what little of it we can get. I'm happy today was a better day for you. Hoping tomorrow is even better.
Author calliope Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Progress is Progress! We have to take what little of it we can get. I'm happy today was a better day for you. Hoping tomorrow is even better. I'll see him tomorrow & Friday, but today was the first time in 5 days. If I could do it today, I can do it tomorrow & the next day too. Next week we'll cross paths during shift change 2 days (he on days, me on nights), then I'm out of town for the holidays and won't be back til 1st wk of Jan. I'm looking forward to just getting through the next 4 "sightings', then being away for a little break...
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 He asked "how are you?" and I just kept walking...... This is huge! A big step for you! Make a big deal of it, k!! Be proud that you kept on walking. And, whatever he thought or felt, who cares!! You did what was best for you! Tomorrow, and the days after that will get easier. Stay strong!
BB07 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Way to go! I also loved that ......"I kept on walking". Think of it this way.......you are walking your way back to YOU and walking away from more pain.
Author calliope Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 Thanks ww & BB! It was actually easier to do than I thought it'd be. Maybe because even though there wasn't anyone close by, there were others around, and I just don't want to live out my personal life in public anymore. See what tomorrow brings....
AlektraClementine Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Calli, you rock. You are building strength and character with every moment. Keep it up girl!
Author calliope Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 Haha, thanks! I had a rough day yesterday, so today was definitely better. That being said, I still don't think it's over and there's some rough waters still ahead. NC/LC is very hard for me. I have to admit that seeing him makes me feel better, even if there's no personal exchange between us. I just feel calmer when I can see him and know he's around. Like I said before, we were friends before anything else. I think increased interaction with him without the A will help me get past it easier and accept reality. So I'll keep up NC/LC until I can get to a point of acceptance.
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Thanks ww & BB! It was actually easier to do than I thought it'd be. Maybe because even though there wasn't anyone close by, there were others around, and I just don't want to live out my personal life in public anymore. See what tomorrow brings.... If you can really keep it at "hi" and nothing else personal and only talk to him if need be (work related issues) this is going to be alot easier in the long run. When/if he tries to make any personal talk, ask a personal question, ignore him and walk away. He knows NC is in place and why so no need to re-tell him (is re-tell a word??). What will drive you even more is as time goes along how better you feel all around, the strength you DO have to work through this and make it through the day.
Hazyhead Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Haha, thanks! I had a rough day yesterday, so today was definitely better. That being said, I still don't think it's over and there's some rough waters still ahead. NC/LC is very hard for me. I have to admit that seeing him makes me feel better, even if there's no personal exchange between us. I just feel calmer when I can see him and know he's around. Like I said before, we were friends before anything else. I think increased interaction with him without the A will help me get past it easier and accept reality. So I'll keep up NC/LC until I can get to a point of acceptance. Graceful baby steps, caliope. Well done you I've said many times I can't imagine how hard NC/LC is when you work with the person. You are doing so well and I'll bet your composure was something to behold. Keep it up!!!
Author calliope Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 So we were on same shift again today at the same office. It was extremely uncomfortable and much tension all day. I had sent him a couple of e-mails yesterday and one this morning (all work-related), neither of which he replied to. Then it occurred to me....! He's doing NC to me! I know I'll probably get grief for saying this...but I felt panic! How can he do this to me when I'm doing it to him?? That's not going to work for me because, once again, I feel like all control of this whole thing is in his hands.... I know that's the whole idea, to get past it, etc and move on. But I guess the idea that he's moving on from me freaked me out. I know fair's fair, but WTF am I feeling now?? Is this ridiculous?
Hazyhead Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 So we were on same shift again today at the same office. It was extremely uncomfortable and much tension all day. I had sent him a couple of e-mails yesterday and one this morning (all work-related), neither of which he replied to. Then it occurred to me....! He's doing NC to me! I know I'll probably get grief for saying this...but I felt panic! How can he do this to me when I'm doing it to him?? That's not going to work for me because, once again, I feel like all control of this whole thing is in his hands.... I know that's the whole idea, to get past it, etc and move on. But I guess the idea that he's moving on from me freaked me out. I know fair's fair, but WTF am I feeling now?? Is this ridiculous? I think it's a part of the power struggle that a lot of us face at the end of any relationship. You want him to miss you, to want you back, to know that you meant something and being struck with a wall by them, even when we are putting one up too, can knock our self-esteem back. What you have to see this as, calliope, is an escape. As long as YOU have control of YOU, that is all that matters. I know what you mean though, xMM contacted me via Facebook and other means a couple of months ago. Even though I ended it and completely blew up the bridge, it still annoyed me that he blocked me before I blocked him, because that meant I no longer could. I thought, what a bloody cheek! BUT, it matters not, as long as there is not contact - all is well. Let it go and keep your chin up. You're doing well. Avoid emailing if you can. Hugs, Hazy
flowergirl77 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Oh boy Callie-I tried to do what you are doing!! It failed miserably and I ended up back in my A in no time! I tried the avoidance at work tactic-felt calm, comforted and excited, turned on and energized when we worked together. I told myself, that is innocent enough. As long as we kept things friendly and didn`t flirt or talk about anything inappropriate, just remained friends, it would be ok. Plus I get to see him and keep my MG at the same time. It was impossible (as it seemed at the time) to keep it at HELLO! Seriously, if you want to REALLY WANT to end this, you CAN NOT work with him!! Just having this contact, however small keeps those feelings alive...this is the one thing in this whole mess I have learned-it does not work to see the OM when you are trying to end it. I think I was deluding myself (and my HB) to think I could continue to work with someone I have feelings for. I would say in most cases..like 99% of them, continuing ANY contact with the AP is asking to stay in it,...even if it is just a little right now, it will become too much to take..and you will find yourself messed up in it again. I may be wrong-but for me, I had to quit my job to get away from the A and those feelings that got stirred every time we were near each other! It was TORTURE!
Author calliope Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 I think it's a part of the power struggle that a lot of us face at the end of any relationship. You want him to miss you, to want you back, to know that you meant something and being struck with a wall by them, even when we are putting one up too, can knock our self-esteem back. What you have to see this as, calliope, is an escape. As long as YOU have control of YOU, that is all that matters. I know what you mean though, xMM contacted me via Facebook and other means a couple of months ago. Even though I ended it and completely blew up the bridge, it still annoyed me that he blocked me before I blocked him, because that meant I no longer could. I thought, what a bloody cheek! BUT, it matters not, as long as there is not contact - all is well. Let it go and keep your chin up. You're doing well. Avoid emailing if you can. Hugs, Hazy Hey Hazy/flowergirl... I can't avoid e-mail to a degree b/c of work & involved in certain things that I can't avoid it... I talked to him today b/c I just couldn't stand the uncomfortableness... He sent me an e that was so impersonal, so professional, I couldn't stand it anymore. So I caved.... I said he didn't need to be so impersonal, he said he didn't mean to be, it just turned out that way. After I said what I needed to say, I told him I was going back to my desk, he said, "You don't have to leave...." I told him I was a mess b/c I didn't expect him back to wk so soon. Of course I stayed & talked to him - because I wanted to...
Author calliope Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 I think it's a part of the power struggle that a lot of us face at the end of any relationship. You want him to miss you, to want you back, to know that you meant something and being struck with a wall by them, even when we are putting one up too, can knock our self-esteem back. Let it go and keep your chin up. You're doing well. Avoid emailing if you can. Hugs, Hazy The realization was really a weird feeling!! I knew what my goal was and what I was trying to achieve, it never even struck me that it'd be part of his day too, until this morning... I have to admit, there was some panic, but I managed to withdraw it and put it into perspective since then. Only one more shift; two more shift changeovers, then I'm off out of town for a couple of weeks and don't need to deal with this s**t for awhile...
flowergirl77 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Hey Hazy/flowergirl... I can't avoid e-mail to a degree b/c of work & involved in certain things that I can't avoid it... I talked to him today b/c I just couldn't stand the uncomfortableness... He sent me an e that was so impersonal, so professional, I couldn't stand it anymore. So I caved.... I said he didn't need to be so impersonal, he said he didn't mean to be, it just turned out that way. After I said what I needed to say, I told him I was going back to my desk, he said, "You don't have to leave...." I told him I was a mess b/c I didn't expect him back to wk so soon. Of course I stayed & talked to him - because I wanted to... I know all about those little conversations! It is way toooo much to stay away. I am telling you, you will never be free (if that is what you truly want) if you are seeing this guy-EVER AGAIN. I am in it up to my eyeballs because I went back to work with OM, and got in even deeper the second round. It was impossible to stay away and not talk to him! Oh I feel for you girl...really I do.
Author calliope Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 I know all about those little conversations! It is way toooo much to stay away. I am telling you, you will never be free (if that is what you truly want) if you are seeing this guy-EVER AGAIN. I am in it up to my eyeballs because I went back to work with OM, and got in even deeper the second round. It was impossible to stay away and not talk to him! Oh I feel for you girl...really I do. Quitting my job is just not an option for me and likely not him either. It's a very specialized job in law enforcement. Relocation is the only option, and very extreme for me because I still live in my hometown. I know it's going to be impossible to stay away completely. I'll just have to keep plugging along and try harder I guess..
siuys Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Good luck, Calli. Must be hard to work together with xMM. I hope you're doing better today. It's day 18 NC for me. I woke up in the middle of the night and had a bit of a cry. Very unlike me and it's been ages since i had a cry. It was ok though. Guess soothing in a way to be able to let it out. Sleep very much disturbed so I feel like a zombie. But as I continue my journey of healing, I know, in time, all these things will become the past. Keep plugging along. It is a challenging situation you are in. You can do it.
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