iheartsuki Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I posted about this a while back but lost track of the thread! My question was basically....do ALL men (in relationships) fantasize about other women....and if my bf tells me he doesn't, should I be concerned? My ex would tell me that he "only fantasizes about me" and now my current bf does the same. I never asked either one of them, so it seems extremely bizarre to me that they would tell me that. I also found out after my ex and I broke up that he lied about all kinds of odd, unnecessary things and was extremely manipulative. I don't think that my current bf lies like he does, but this just seems really sketch. And now I can't contain my suspicion and am often giving him a hard time about it, questioning him, asking him who or what he's thinking about, is he really thinking about me, etc. Ugh. Then he gets mad at me for "accusing him" and assuming things about him based on "other men". Ughghghgh. Could he be actually telling the truth? Everything I've heard indicates otherwise and I just find it extremely difficult to believe. I feel like I'm just being naive all over again to believe something like that. He also looks at porn (not an issue), blatantly checks out other women at times (IS a problem), and comments on hot celebrities, boobs on tv, etc. (also kind of a problem). So I find it even more odd that he does all those things.....but doesn't fantasize about any of it...??? For men, what's the point of looking in the first place then...? Can't say I like it too much, but I thought the reality is just that men do that and I'd rather accept that than a lie (especially when I didn't ask for the lie). Really confused. Any advice/thoughts, especially from other men, would be much appreciated!
AlektraClementine Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I think you'd be hard pressed to find a man that doesn't fantasize about other women. If he looks at porn, he's fantasizing. Question is, does it matter? Getting into thought control is bad territory.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 You went so far as to capitalize "ALL" in the question "do ALL men (in relationships) fantasize about other women?" so, it looks like you really want an absolute. How could anyone know what goes on in the private minds of a few billion men? I can only answer for myself and I live by the rule that a person's mind is their primary sexual organ and everyone is entitled to entertain in that private mind WHATEVER images he or she has popping up that rings his or her bell. In matters of sex, fantasy is an imperative. If you don't have sexual fantasies, you will probably have sexual shortfalls or a dull sex life if any. I would encourage anyone to think freely whatever turns you on or whomever turns you on whenever the moment comes around/ But of course its also imperative to keep those fantasies private as they can really hurt one's love. Have I thought about someone else while my sweetheart was giving it up? Daggone right. It wasn't something purposeful, it just excited me more to think about some other sexual scenario with someone else. I surely wouldn't tell her that I pretended she was Beyonce or somebody. That would be cruel. The loyalty we show in reality to each other in the way of true fidelity is what is important--not what we allow our minds to privately entertain in a moment.
Sarahhhh Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Yeah, he's' lying...but he's only doing it to protect your feelings.. its not like he's lying about it to hurt you, in fact, quite the opposite... I wouldn't worry about it so much... its not that big of a deal... but thats just me...? I'm a very laid back girlfriend for the most part though. lol
New_Life08 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Men and women alike at least from time to time are going to fantasize about something erotic in order to stay aroused. It is human nature. My message to you is... do yourself a favor and don't obsess over who or what he is fantasizing about. When you dabble in something so personal it will ruin your relationship. I understand that it can make you curious, or even insecure to think they imagine someone else; but it is not real to them. It is just a way to stay charged up and maybe they feel it helps them to be a better lover for you. Men are very physical beings. They need physical stimulation as much as we need emotional stroking. That's just how they're wired. It is about ego and it really is a separate, physical thing that matters nothing to them when the day is done. In fact most fantasies do not have a face, it's just erotic images that happen to "do it" for that person. Just remember there is a balance to everything...or what we feel is acceptable in a relationship. I think you have reason for concern if during sex he calls out another name, is obsessed with porn, masturbates instead of having sex with you, ogles other women with blatant disrespect to you, is sexually inappropriate with other women in general, or intentionally hides his contact with other women. These sort of things indicate he could have deeper issues. Of course most men will tell you that they only fantasize about "you" because many men today (God bless them) are more in tune with their woman's emotional needs. They do not want something so meaningless (to them) to create problems in the relationship. You just have to acknowledge and accept that it is not some woman he is secretly in love with...it's just images (body parts) in his own mind that enhance the pleasure. If everything else seems good, and you are okay with his occasional porn sessions, I would not press the fantasy issue. It would be like telling him not to breathe. All my best.
Negative Nancy Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Have I thought about someone else while my sweetheart was giving it up? Daggone right. It wasn't something purposeful, it just excited me more to think about some other sexual scenario with someone else. So your "sweetheart" wasn't arousing / exciting enough for you or how can that be understood?
Feelin Frisky Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 So your "sweetheart" wasn't arousing / exciting enough for you or how can that be understood? Maybe it was too dark in the room and I couldn't see her. I don't know. Who cares. I had to use my mind to get excited more and I didin't confine it to exactly what was going down below. That's perfectly fair and part of the human experience in my view. I don't care and actually encourage my partner to feel free to do the same. Fantasies don't matter. Loyalty outside of bed does. And courteousy about keep to one's self what goes on in the head matters as well.
Flyin in Clouds Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 ....do ALL men (in relationships) fantasize about other women.... All? probably not ALL. But certainly most men do. Do you fantasize about other men? If not why not? I often said to my wife if I wasn't interested in women in general why would I be interested in her (a woman). Likewise if she didn't find men attractive and desired their attention why would she be with me? You need to be open and honest with each other about your deepest, darkest, most perverted fantasies. That would be true intimacy. Lots of couples get off on role playing games. What games would most excite you? And what would excite him? It's all supposed to be FUN.
USCGAviator Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Don't sweat it. I was faithful to my wife the entire 9yrs we were married. She had alot of very attractive friends that I thought about having sex with. I kept those natural thoughts in my head and never acted on them.
carhill Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 YMMV but my anecdote is, when I loved my exW, my thoughts were only with her when we made love. I saw the switch as the love died. The distinction is my arousal patterns are driven by intimacy rather than visual stimulation/fantasy. This is apparently relatively uncommon for a man. It is what it is. It's probably why I didn't 'check out' other women when out with my exW. There was no need. I was with the woman I loved. To me, it's about compatibility. I personally would not want to be with a woman who sought out male attention, actively fantasized about/commented on other men, or showed other behaviors similar to those outlined in the OP. If we matched up in that regard, that would be one aspect of compatibility. If not, not. Plenty of fish in the sea
that girl Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 You don't get to control anyone else's fantasy life and most people fantasize about people other than their significant other. Unless they're fantasizing about someone else during sex I don't see what the issue is. I don't understand why you are so focused on fantasizes, that doesn't seem to be your real problem. If he watches porn, I would assume the thinks about those women while watching. If you don't mind porn, this shouldn't be an issue. But blatantly checking out other women and going on about how hot actresses are is disrespectful to you. I know some couples mutually enjoy discussing how hot other people are, but they are the exception. In general, you can control what you say and what you look at. Sure, a person might slip sometimes and stare too long at an attractive person, but if this is a constant problem he is just a disrespectful person. Haranguing him isn't the answer. Decide what you need to feel secure in the relationship and let him know. If he can't make a reasonable attempt to meet those standards, he isn't the guy for you.
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