Untouchable_Fire Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Lastly, I agree with you. Me trying to "manage" his emotions is unfair. He has the right to know that I make mistakes, and whether he wants to stay with my fallible self or move on. I get it. My fear is I know the reality of the situation; and what it looks like. If he judges the situation on "what it looks like" we both lose. I guess I have to TRUST him to see the truth, which is scary. Lastly, I do appreciate everyone's opinions and thoughts. I really do. Thank you. Your selfish. You just want to take the easy way out by telling lies. It's a lie to omit that kind of information. Here is what I say... you can tell the truth, and yeah it will hurt his trust of you a bit. However, if your story is true and nothing happened... in the long run he will trust you MORE, because when you make mistakes you will not selfishly hide them. Or... you can lie to him. He will go on blindly trusting you... and since you never had to face the truth you will continue making stupid choices until one day you get caught... or you really burn yourself. For the record. I've dumped a woman for being a liar like this. Had she told me the truth I would have trusted her... but she was a coward and she would not trust me that I would trust her word. Think about it... but the longer you wait the more telling will seem like a guilty conscience.
Flyin in Clouds Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Jumping in late but... Hi KarateKim, I don't think you need to tell your boyfriend. From what I've read, he trusts you completely. Besides, nothing happened anyways. There's no need to tell him unless he asks you what happened. Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and it appears that you guys have it in spades! Wow --- so let me see if I got this straight, trust is the foundation of a relationship so don't tell the guy EVERYTHING that happened... keep that quiet... What if she had slept with her ex? Should she keep that quiet too? After all it would be over and done with, why hurt the guy's feelings? Yeah, trusting someone completely often shows what a fool we are. Reverse the situation. IF your bf had fallen asleep in the arms of his ex would you want to know? No harm, no foul right? Of course you should tell him. Give him the chance to decide if he wants a girlfriend who sleeps in beds with dudes that aren't him.Exactly. Let him decide after being fully informed. Anything less is cheating. I agree with AlektraClementine. The honest truth is nothing did happen Well actually something did happen. You slept next to your ex. Nothing sexual may have happened but something did happen. I have to ask. When you were "sleeping" in bed with your ex did you have clothes on or off? I guess that detail is missing too. Oh, one other thing. Don't drink to excess then you won't be in these kinds of situations. That drinking is a problem. And for that matter having any kind of even platonic relationship with an ex is a bit much. KarateKim, there is one argument for not telling him. Years ago my wife phoned me to inform me there was a rumor going around work about her and her boss having an affair. I was shell shocked. She told me she wanted me to hear from her that there was absolutely no truth to the rumors. Well... even after 20 years I'm still not certain there wasn't something going on. Where there is smoke there is usally fire. But imagine if I had heard the "rumor" from somone else. That would have been even worse. Bottom line is you got yourself into a very sticky situation. There is NO 100% good way out. Not telling is not letting him decide. Telling can have lasting consequences for your relationship. Either way your screwed and you did it to yourself. But I think being totally forth coming with your bf is the best thing. Now that you did tell him, it's a long road to come back. Best thing for you is have NO contact with that ex. ever. Your "platonic" friendship should ended. Are you not capable of having a platonic friend of the opposite sex? In a word, no. Most guys can ACT like they are platonic, but given the opportunity, i.e. encouragement from you, they'd jump your bones, particularly a guy you slept with before. Men are aware that women are, after all --- women. Do you honestly think a guy won't notice you're charms and hope in the back of his mind he might have a chance with you? Women just really don't understand men do they.
Distant78 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 I don't care if everyone else applauds you. What you did was still wrong and doesn't excuse your actions, whether you told him or not. You still cheated on him and if you think this is going to go away easily you're wrong again. Your man is in shock right now, but down the road he will question your motives and what really happened that night. I really think you had sex with him, both of you planned it, and you're just not telling the rest of the story. You should get rid of the "friend" you have also because it's obviously toxic. It doesn't matter if it was "normal":confused: for you and your "friend" to sleep in the same bed together and not screw. That doesn't justify your behavior for cheating nor did the drinking you did justify it either. You knew exactly what you were doing. This is why opposite-sex friendships barely work. If your friendship with the guy you slept with was truly platonic, you guys wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed together. True friendships don't do that type of crap. They have boundaries and respect each other and themselves and don't cheat together, while in relationships with another.
Author KarateKim Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 And for that matter having any kind of even platonic relationship with an ex is a bit much. ". Disagree. I have a few ex's I am friends with. They are more friends than ex's; just because at one point in the past we explored the possibility of becoming more than friends, and it didn't work out, does not mean that we are incapable of controlling ourselves, or even WANT to do anything when we see each other again. I do concede that you do hold a different respect for someone you've been in a previous relationship with than a friend - possibly a higher regard - because you know them better than if you were just always platonic friends; but then even more so you respect that physical and emotional boundary. In a word, no. Most guys can ACT like they are platonic, but given the opportunity, i.e. encouragement from you, they'd jump your bones, particularly a guy you slept with before. Men are aware that women are, after all --- women. ". This is partially true. I have had this situation happen to me plenty of times; however, obviously this type of "friend" is not going to work out because you have different expectations. This type of friend is without a doubt a "no contact". However, given that having had the opportunity before I started in my current relationship; and neither of us pushed or tried anything emotional or physical for about a year, the relationship is exactly that - platonic. Do you honestly think a guy won't notice you're charms and hope in the back of his mind he might have a chance with you? Women just really don't understand men do they. Maybe? But we're all adults and have learned that some relationships work and some don't for varying reasons.
Distant78 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Disagree. I have a few ex's I am friends with. They are more friends than ex's; just because at one point in the past we explored the possibility of becoming more than friends, and it didn't work out, does not mean that we are incapable of controlling ourselves, or even WANT to do anything when we see each other again. I do concede that you do hold a different respect for someone you've been in a previous relationship with than a friend - possibly a higher regard - because you know them better than if you were just always platonic friends; but then even more so you respect that physical and emotional boundary. This is partially true. I have had this situation happen to me plenty of times; however, obviously this type of "friend" is not going to work out because you have different expectations. This type of friend is without a doubt a "no contact". However, given that having had the opportunity before I started in my current relationship; and neither of us pushed or tried anything emotional or physical for about a year, the relationship is exactly that - platonic. Maybe? But we're all adults and have learned that some relationships work and some don't for varying reasons. Just let your boyfriend go. It's obvious you don't care about his feelings and refuse to stay away from the guy or should I say guys, that are damaging your relationship with your boyfriend. Let him go so you can chase your ex's.
dont-be-naive Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 .....and what kind of error in judgment are you referencing?? Should I be worried? lol why would you be worried? You cheated, so you must not really care that much. So if he cheats back, you going to give him the same courtesy as he gave you?
Enema Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I don't think you should tell him, but I also don't think you should sleep in that guys bed again. Did the guy make any moves on you? poke you with a spooning hardon?
Distant78 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I don't think you should tell him, but I also don't think you should sleep in that guys bed again. Did the guy make any moves on you? poke you with a spooning hardon? So no one should be notified their SO/spouse is a cheater? She already told him, but still continues to cheat and disrespect her boyfriend. She hasn't learned her lesson.
Enema Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 So no one should be notified their SO/spouse is a cheater? She already told him, but still continues to cheat and disrespect her boyfriend. She hasn't learned her lesson. Whoa, looks like I missed something between pages 1-4, I only read the OP where she stayed in a friends bed completely platonically.
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