Should I tell him?

[Madman81]

Does your boyfriend know you had a previous relationship with this guy?

You didn't answer this question yet. Why not?

 

I get the feeling more happened that night than we're being told...

[KarateKim]

You posed an question and asked for opinions. You got 'em.

 

I think you're getting upset with folks because they aren't validating your desire to absolve yourself. You can't throw a question out into cyberspace and then decide for the masses how they should respond (kind of like how you're deciding for your boyfriend what info is important for him to know or not know).

 

Let me ask you another question:

 

Does your BF know that no one else showed up to the party and that you slept over? Or did you omit that as well?

 

You can write my opinion off as "mean" or "name call-y", OR you can try putting a little more thought into other sides to this situation than just yours (i.e. your AMAZING boyfriend)

 

 

Look, it's not about whether or not it's believable that you did nothing sexual with this guy. It's about people having the right to choose whether or not they want to stay in a relationship with someone who would sleep in a bed next to another person. THAT'S what your bf deserves to know.

 

I asked "Should I tell him?"

Answer: Yes/No and because...

I would even be okay with "what do you think of this behaviour?"

Answer: Your behaviour is stupid because..

(Which I know! )

 

But "You are <insert name> here" is that really necessary? I guess I should assume some people will reply this way but I would like to hold a high opinion of the general masses.

 

And to answer your question:

Yes he does know 1.) that no one else showed up and 2.) that I slept over from the very beginning.

 

Lastly,

I agree with you. Me trying to "manage" his emotions is unfair. He has the right to know that I make mistakes, and whether he wants to stay with my fallible self or move on.

I get it.

 

My fear is I know the reality of the situation; and what it looks like. If he judges the situation on "what it looks like" we both lose. I guess I have to TRUST him to see the truth, which is scary.

 

Lastly, I do appreciate everyone's opinions and thoughts. I really do.

Thank you.

[KarateKim]

You didn't answer this question yet. Why not?

 

I get the feeling more happened that night than we're being told...

 

I don't know if he does or doesn't; I would have no qualm telling him.

 

The "relationship" I had with this guy is we are friends are foremost. About a year ago, I was single- he was single and we had a couple of consecutive weekends together. Not a "relationship" which entails romance and emotion. We are friends. In the following year we would hang out all the time, party, at time get drunk instead of driving home I would crash on his bed..seriously more comfortable..and nothing happened in the past year while that was going.

 

I didn't show up Friday 1.) thinking that anything would happen and 2.) in my non thinking drunk state just did what I did previous times which is crash on my friends bed.

 

Boys and girls being friends sleeping in the same bed without anything happening sounds like this unrealistic thing but it's been the "norm" between me and my friend. (which was fine when I was single and not accountable to anybody but should think about now that I'm in a relationship..)

[Madman81]

I don't know if he does or doesn't; I would have no qualm telling him.

 

The "relationship" I had with this guy is we are friends are foremost. About a year ago, I was single- he was single and we had a couple of consecutive weekends together. Not a "relationship" which entails romance and emotion. We are friends. In the following year we would hang out all the time, party, at time get drunk instead of driving home I would crash on his bed..seriously more comfortable..and nothing happened in the past year while that was going.

Hold it, this isn't clear. Did your past "relationship" with this guy involve sex?

 

I ask because it's an important detail. Most women, for instance, would freak out if their boyfriend spent a night in a bed with another woman with whom he'd previously had a sexual connection. Especially one that wasn't all that long ago. Wonder if you'd feel the same way if YOUR boyfriend did that.

[kevinm1019]

Great relationship with wonderful man about 8 months now.

 

He was busy on Friday night and my guy friend (who I have had a short relationship with about a year before I started dating my man - we have since been friends) just moved to a new town and was having a housewarming get together - with the assumption that people would crash at his place as to not drive drunk.

 

I asked my man if he was okay with me going to a party and crashing for the night and he had no problem. (Amazing boyfriend!)

 

When I showed up no one else was there except my guy friend. Feeling bad for him not no one else bothered to show up and since I already made the drive we hung out like we always did, watched shows, went out for a drink.

 

When we got back I was quite drunk, but completely had no intention to cheat on my man. I love him dearly. My guy friend and I (as friends, prior to me being in a relationship) would fall asleep in the same bed all the time if we had hung out before and got drunk - so without analyzing or thinking just crashed on his bed.

 

Absolutely nothing happened. No touching no kissing no suggestion. Purely platonic.

 

Next morning woke up had some breakfast and drove back home.

 

Should I tell him?

Lies Defined:

 

1) To make a statement that one knows to be false, especially with the intend to

deceive.

 

2) To give a false impression.

 

3) Anything that gives or is meant to give a false impression.

 

Variations of the Lie:

 

1) Derail: To change the subject of discussion in order to avoid the truth. For example,

one might feign being offended in order to stop a conversation about ones

questionable actions.

 

2) Misinform: To invent or perpetrate a false story with the intent to deceive or

mislead.

 

3) Confuse: quibble, of confuse the issue, of deliberately use ambiguity in order to

deceive or mislead.

 

The Lie of Omission:

 

A lie of omission is to remain silent when ethical behavior calls for one to speak up. A lie of omission is a method of deception and duplicity that uses the technique of simply remaining silent when speaking the truth would significantly alter the other person's capacity to make an informed decision.

 

The Truth About Lies:

 

A lie is not in the words, or lack of words; it's in the intention of the deceiver.

[kevinm1019]

The biggest red flag I see in situations right now is that the person who did the stupid thing makes decisions on behalf of their significant other.

 

It's more about withholding information from her boyfriend that he really has a right to know.

 

From what she says, he is amazing and trusts her completely. Who's to say he would have a problem with what she did? The issue is, that she's deciding for him, what he can and can't handle knowing and ultimately, striping him of a decision that only he's entitled to make.

To lie by omission is to remain silent and thereby withhold from someone else a vital piece (or pieces) of information. The silence is deceptive in that it gives a false impression to the person from whom the information was withheld. It subverts the truth; it is a way to manipulate someone into altering their behavior to suit the desire of the person who intentionally withheld the vital information; and, most importantly, it's a gross violation of another person's right of self-determination.

[AlektraClementine]

 

 

My fear is I know the reality of the situation; and what it looks like. If he judges the situation on "what it looks like" we both lose. I guess I have to TRUST him to see the truth, which is scary.

 

Lastly, I do appreciate everyone's opinions and thoughts. I really do.

Thank you.

 

 

You're more than welcome. We are all human beings and we are hardly perfect. I just believe that it's what we do when we mess up that builds our character.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't need to think you're perfect. But he does need to know that you will make the honorable (and sometimes difficult and pride swallowing) choices when it counts. That's what matters. And if he is unable to understand and work through it with you, that's certainly his right. At that point though, you know that the two of you were not meant to make it through the thick times.

 

I can't promise you that telling him will make you feel great at first. But you'll always have this situation to remind you that you have character. And that will get you waaaay farther in life than a relationship or a secret.

 

Remember this: for every omission and every lie you tell, you will have to make up 10 more to cover the first. And that's no fun.

[make me believe]

Kim, I think you should tell your boyfriend. Since he already knows that nobody else showed up & that you stayed anyway & even slept over... and apparently doesn't have a problem with that... he likely won't jump to the same conclusions some of the posters on here have. I would be SUPER upset in his shoes, but I wouldn't have been comfortable with the situation to begin with! I also think that this is a great opportunity for you to draw some firm boundaries with your 'friend' here. He might have the wrong idea now given that you slept in his bed.. and sleeping in his bed IS crossing the line even if it was the norm before you had a BF, so I think from this point on you shouldn't hang out with him unless your BF is there. It would be the most respectful and appropriate thing to do.

[JustJoe]

Kim, you knew this was a bad idea, even before you did it, so why did you do it? You're a big girl, you KNOW that to sleep with another man in his bed, when you're in a relationship with someone else, is way over the line, regardless of what did or did not happen. Drinking and past behavior with this guy are just excuses to cover your butt. If I were your BF, I would have serious doubts as to your integrity. You say it was a mistake, that's true, but the biggest mistake is your seeming willingness to lie and decieve. The bottom line is , are you an honest GF or not?

[SoulStorm]

SoulStorm -

if only I was as pure and incapable of making a mistake as you are.

Your boyfriend is lucky.

 

I have to ask why you are making it personal or about you? Did a past relationship some guy cheat on you and instead of taking out your anger on him you're using the forum to judge and throw arrows at people like coming on here to ask advice?

 

None of the above.

 

I have made plenty of mistakes. But I was honest about them. However, none

Included sleeping in the same bed with a person I had a previous relationship with while I'm in a re

lationship. Then thinking of not having the respect for my partner to tell them the truth if I did. If you have to ask a forum whether or not you should be honest with your boyfriend...what does that say about your moral compass. And yes my wife is lucky ....I have more respect for her than to do that to her

[KarateKim]

UPDATE:

 

Thank you to EVERYONE that weighed in. (Even the judgmental high on your moral horses ones. lol.)

 

In conclusion what I took away:

 

Managing your partner's reaction is unfair. You have to give them all the information so that they can react how they choose.

 

Furthermore, witholding information makes your relationship less real because he then gets to fall in love with bits and pieces of you - and not the whole, somewhat flawed, real picture.

 

WHAT HAPPENED?

I did fess up. It was difficult and I was terrified. He was angry, but reacted kind and reasonable, especially concidering the extent of my stupidity.

 

So in love with this man.

[Bryanp]

Excellent job. Your relationship will be stronger because of your honesty. Well-done!

[Chi townD]

Sorry, chiming in late here...

 

I'm pretty sure you feel better that you got that monkey off your back. Because lets face it. You wouldn't have posted here if you didn't feel guilty about it.

 

I'm sure your boyfriend is pissed and questioning you about it. You got a tough road ahead of you. You're gonna be spending a lot of time being transparent with him and reassuring him, and it's gonna be tough...good luck!

[karnak]

UPDATE:

 

Thank you to EVERYONE that weighed in. (Even the judgmental high on your moral horses ones. lol.)

 

In conclusion what I took away:

 

Managing your partner's reaction is unfair. You have to give them all the information so that they can react how they choose.

 

Furthermore, witholding information makes your relationship less real because he then gets to fall in love with bits and pieces of you - and not the whole, somewhat flawed, real picture.

 

WHAT HAPPENED?

I did fess up. It was difficult and I was terrified. He was angry, but reacted kind and reasonable, especially concidering the extent of my stupidity.

 

So in love with this man.

 

Good work!

 

I think you and several people learned an important lesson with this thread.

 

I wish you and your boyfriend a wonderful future together.

[jnj express]

Hey Karate Kim---real question is why did you get so DRUNK that you ended up where you did----just maybe the drinking needs to stop----you certainly ain't doing anyone a favor by being a drunk.

 

Also when you saw nobody else there did you not maybe think it was a set-up to get you, and only you there----and when you did see no one else there, and knowing you were in a relationship---why did you not immediately leave----do you not know right from wrong, do you not know how to conduct yourself when in a relationship

[JustJoe]

UPDATE:

 

Thank you to EVERYONE that weighed in. (Even the judgmental high on your moral horses ones. lol.)

 

In conclusion what I took away:

 

Managing your partner's reaction is unfair. You have to give them all the information so that they can react how they choose.

 

Furthermore, witholding information makes your relationship less real because he then gets to fall in love with bits and pieces of you - and not the whole, somewhat flawed, real picture.

 

WHAT HAPPENED?

I did fess up. It was difficult and I was terrified. He was angry, but reacted kind and reasonable, especially concidering the extent of my stupidity.

 

So in love with this man.

The honest way is seldom the easiest, but always the best, in terms of a good relationship. If you are always honest with him (and he seems a good guy) you can look forward , instead of behind you. Good Luck.

[road]

When is karatekim going to realise that the OM invited no one but her?

[Dexter Morgan]

Some woman have funny ways of treating their "amazing boyfriend"

 

should you tell him? not if you don't respect him.

[NoLongerSad]

Translation: Sex didn't happen only because one or the other or both of them was too drunk and passed out first.

[Dexter Morgan]

WHAT HAPPENED?

I did fess up. It was difficult and I was terrified. He was angry, but reacted kind and reasonable, especially concidering the extent of my stupidity.

 

So in love with this man.

 

so you are going to refrain from going out and partying without him from now on....right?

 

and you never know, he may have acted reasonably becasue he knows he has an error in judgement coming to him.

[KarateKim]

Hey Karate Kim---real question is why did you get so DRUNK that you ended up where you did----just maybe the drinking needs to stop----you certainly ain't doing anyone a favor by being a drunk.

 

Also when you saw nobody else there did you not maybe think it was a set-up to get you, and only you there----and when you did see no one else there, and knowing you were in a relationship---why did you not immediately leave----do you not know right from wrong, do you not know how to conduct yourself when in a relationship

 

Going out and having a few drinks with a friend is hardly unheard of.

 

No, it's not a set up, by either him or me. I was also suppose to bring a friend of mine and she ended up cancelling at the last moment. The other people I invited couldn't make it up. It was a short notice. His brother was there too; later had a girl that he worked with come hang out with us..so I guess technically there were other people.

 

All these conspiracy theories. whoa.

 

My friend and I are platonic and have been for the last year.

 

Are you not capable of having a platonic friend of the opposite sex?

[KarateKim]

so you are going to refrain from going out and partying without him from now on....right?

 

and you never know, he may have acted reasonably becasue he knows he has an error in judgement coming to him.

 

I don't think I would go out with my friend that was part of this incident without having my boyfriend around - just because of my err, and for my boyfriend's peace of mind.

 

.....and what kind of error in judgment are you referencing?? Should I be worried? lol

[Hawk9]

I don't think I would go out with my friend that was part of this incident without having my boyfriend around - just because of my err, and for my boyfriend's peace of mind.

 

.....and what kind of error in judgment are you referencing?? Should I be worried? lol

 

 

That is a good idea. My GF did just about the same thing you did, so I can speak from some experience.

 

Sleeping with someone in the same bed, even without sex, can be really damaging to the other person and its hard to describe. It probably doesn't seem as big of a deal to you, but it will be extremely tough on him. He'll probably have questions about it later and it'll likely bother him for some time, so don't expect him to get over it very quickly. However, be patient, listen, and make sure reassure him that that is an action that won't be repeated.

[USCGAviator]

Nice job fessing up Kim! What you did takes guts. There are too many people out there that hide things from their SO.

[lkjh]

Kim Im sorry but I don't buy this. You know your "friend" wants more from you. You know he only invited you. You had the choice to not drink and drive yourself home but you chose to do the opposite. You know you could have slept in a separate room but you chose to stay in his room