KarateKim Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Great relationship with wonderful man about 8 months now. He was busy on Friday night and my guy friend (who I have had a short relationship with about a year before I started dating my man - we have since been friends) just moved to a new town and was having a housewarming get together - with the assumption that people would crash at his place as to not drive drunk. I asked my man if he was okay with me going to a party and crashing for the night and he had no problem. (Amazing boyfriend!) When I showed up no one else was there except my guy friend. Feeling bad for him not no one else bothered to show up and since I already made the drive we hung out like we always did, watched shows, went out for a drink. When we got back I was quite drunk, but completely had no intention to cheat on my man. I love him dearly. My guy friend and I (as friends, prior to me being in a relationship) would fall asleep in the same bed all the time if we had hung out before and got drunk - so without analyzing or thinking just crashed on his bed. Absolutely nothing happened. No touching no kissing no suggestion. Purely platonic. Next morning woke up had some breakfast and drove back home. Should I tell him?
teardrop86 Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Hi KarateKim, I don't think you need to tell your boyfriend. From what I've read, he trusts you completely. Besides, nothing happened anyways. There's no need to tell him unless he asks you what happened. Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and it appears that you guys have it in spades!
AlektraClementine Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Of course you should tell him. Give him the chance to decide if he wants a girlfriend who sleeps in beds with dudes that aren't him.
aisle_seat Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Does your boyfriend know you had a previous relationship with this guy?
AlektraClementine Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Hi KarateKim, I don't think you need to tell your boyfriend. From what I've read, he trusts you completely. Besides, nothing happened anyways. There's no need to tell him unless he asks you what happened. Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and it appears that you guys have it in spades! Her not telling him this, is the first step in cracking that foundation. It's a lie by omission.
teardrop86 Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Her not telling him this, is the first step in cracking that foundation. It's a lie by omission. True, keep the relationship open and honest.
aisle_seat Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Her not telling him this, is the first step in cracking that foundation. It's a lie by omission. Agreed. I know I wouldn't be very happy to learn about it and would question her judgment, especially in light of the fact they've had a past relationship. I'd want to know why she had to sleep in the bed instead of someone taking the couch or the floor. Nope, wouldn't like it one bit.
Bryanp Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect boyfriend to tell you that he spent the night in bed with his ex but it was purely platonic? These lies of omission will destroy your relationship in the long run. Don't you want to have your relationship based on a foundation of trust and honest? You will lose your amazing boyfriend if you engage in hiding secrets from him. You need to look at your boundaries.
Author KarateKim Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Agreed. I know I wouldn't be very happy to learn about it and would question her judgment, especially in light of the fact they've had a past relationship. I'd want to know why she had to sleep in the bed instead of someone taking the couch or the floor. Nope, wouldn't like it one bit. I agree. I wouldn't be happy to learn that he slept in a bed with a person he had a previous relationship with either. Why? "Old habit" which sounds stupid in after thought.
Author KarateKim Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect boyfriend to tell you that he spent the night in bed with his ex but it was purely platonic? These lies of omission will destroy your relationship in the long run. Don't you want to have your relationship based on a foundation of trust and honest? You will lose your amazing boyfriend if you engage in hiding secrets from him. You need to look at your boundaries. I wouldn't want to know, because it would make me doubt the relationship unnecessary. I do need to look at my boundaries though. Obviously I put myself in a situation where things could have gone wrong.
AlektraClementine Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Let me ask you this. Why wouldn't you tell him?
Author KarateKim Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 (edited) Let me ask you this. Why wouldn't you tell him? Because I assume that he will assume something did happen, which it didn't. If the situation was reversed I would assume something did happen. The situation seems like a "yeah right, nothing happened" situation (which I am an idiot for putting myself in- yes). The honest truth is nothing did happen and I don't want to hurt him needlessly. Edited December 15, 2010 by KarateKim
AlektraClementine Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Because I assume that he will assume something did happen, which it didn't. If the situation was reversed I would assume something did happen. The situation seems like a "yeah right, nothing happened" situation (which I am an idiot for putting myself in- yes). The honest truth is nothing did happen and I don't want to hurt him needlessly. Why would he assume something happened? I though he trusted you. And by the way, the honest truth is that you slept in the bed with another man.
Bryanp Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 By withholding this information you have begun the slippery slope of self-destructing your relationship. Lies of omission always come back to haunt you.
SoulStorm Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 (edited) The honest truth is nothing did happen and I don't want to hurt him needlessly. If you didn't want to hurt him needlessly..you would have never had a need to sleep in the same bed as your ex. It sounds shady to me. Nobody shows up at the housewarming? This sounds premeditated..by him or both of you. You did your thing and now you feel guilty. You should have went back home instead of having boundaries the size of a gnat's kneecap. Edited December 15, 2010 by SoulStorm
paleblue Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 not sure about all the who-ha with the slippery slope and beginning of the end stuff. no offense. i think what is important here is the intent. what did you intend to do? if you intended to do nothing, and nothing happened but sleeping, than maybe let it go. i dont get why you just didnt crash on the couch, that kinda would have been more politically correct. but whatever. you are worried about having done something wrong. i wouldnt say it was wrong, IMO, as much as it was kinda distasteful what you did. now you are in a catch 22 situation, tell and you risk turning nothing into something. dont tell and it will naw at your conscience. this really is one of those stupid situations people finds themselves in. Next time DON'T sleep in someone else's bed. there is a couch in the living room. Seriously. that's my two cents.
AlektraClementine Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 The biggest red flag I see in situations right now is that the person who did the stupid thing makes decisions on behalf of their significant other. It's more about withholding information from her boyfriend that he really has a right to know. From what she says, he is amazing and trusts her completely. Who's to say he would have a problem with what she did? The issue is, that she's deciding for him, what he can and can't handle knowing and ultimately, striping him of a decision that only he's entitled to make.
Author KarateKim Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 If you didn't want to hurt him needlessly..you would have never had a need to sleep in the same bed as your ex. It sounds shady to me. Nobody shows up at the housewarming? This sounds premeditated..by him or both of you. You did your thing and now you feel guilty. You should have went back home instead of having boundaries the size of a gnat's kneecap. Please put your pitchforks and burning torches away. Thank you for confirming that the situation does inspire the jumping to conclusions I thought it would inspire. No intentions, no premeditations. nothing happened. If there was any wanting or willingness from either myself or my friend to do anything there was ample opportunity, and it didn't cross my mind, and his actions did not indicate in anyway it crossed his. The wrong: falling asleep in another person's bed. Yes. Shouldn't have, will never put myself in that situation again. Learning experience.
Author KarateKim Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 not sure about all the who-ha with the slippery slope and beginning of the end stuff. no offense. i think what is important here is the intent. what did you intend to do? if you intended to do nothing, and nothing happened but sleeping, than maybe let it go. i dont get why you just didnt crash on the couch, that kinda would have been more politically correct. but whatever. you are worried about having done something wrong. i wouldnt say it was wrong, IMO, as much as it was kinda distasteful what you did. now you are in a catch 22 situation, tell and you risk turning nothing into something. dont tell and it will naw at your conscience. this really is one of those stupid situations people finds themselves in. Next time DON'T sleep in someone else's bed. there is a couch in the living room. Seriously. that's my two cents. THANK YOU. No will never put myself in that situation again - couch or floor or anything else.
JustJoe Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Kim , if you had already decided not to tell your BF, then why did you start this thread, for the drama? Most posters realize, even if you don't, that you are starting off your relationship based on dishonesty, and that more than likely it will go down hill from here. What if this other guy mentions what happened to a friend, who tells a friend and it gets back to your BF? Then, because you didn't tell him , in the first place, the trust he has in you will be broken, do you want that? Tell him, and if he trusts you as you say, he might get pissed but he will recognize the truth.
Author KarateKim Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Kim , if you had already decided not to tell your BF, then why did you start this thread, for the drama? Most posters realize, even if you don't, that you are starting off your relationship based on dishonesty, and that more than likely it will go down hill from here. What if this other guy mentions what happened to a friend, who tells a friend and it gets back to your BF? Then, because you didn't tell him , in the first place, the trust he has in you will be broken, do you want that? Tell him, and if he trusts you as you say, he might get pissed but he will recognize the truth. Why did I come on here? Because I did not know what would be the best way to proceed and I wanted to hear people's arguments either for or against telling him. Being judged and being called names..not so much.
BlueRidgeMTs Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Let me ask you this. Why wouldn't you tell him? I say unless he asks, i would not tell. I think that was that was one of the dumbest things you could have done. I say dont tell because i am learning that, as long as something was indeed purely platonic, some things are best left unsaid, unless asked. I say this because there is no way I would believe that nothing happened if my boyfriend came to me and told me that. But, that's just me. And, knowing that incident happened would forever put a question mark in my mind because if he was not smart enough to know how dangerous a situation that was ( drinking, and being alone in bed with someone he used to date) then what other piss poor judgements would he make? I mean really. Unless he asks, i wouldnt tell only because it may cause more problems than its worth. Next time dont do anything like that...i mean my goodness.
SoulStorm Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 The wrong: falling asleep in another person's bed. Yes. Shouldn't have, will never put myself in that situation again. Learning experience. Learning experience huh? I wonder if your boyfriend will call it that
AlektraClementine Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 You posed an question and asked for opinions. You got 'em. I think you're getting upset with folks because they aren't validating your desire to absolve yourself. You can't throw a question out into cyberspace and then decide for the masses how they should respond (kind of like how you're deciding for your boyfriend what info is important for him to know or not know). Let me ask you another question: Does your BF know that no one else showed up to the party and that you slept over? Or did you omit that as well? You can write my opinion off as "mean" or "name call-y", OR you can try putting a little more thought into other sides to this situation than just yours (i.e. your AMAZING boyfriend) Look, it's not about whether or not it's believable that you did nothing sexual with this guy. It's about people having the right to choose whether or not they want to stay in a relationship with someone who would sleep in a bed next to another person. THAT'S what your bf deserves to know.
Author KarateKim Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Learning experience huh? I wonder if your boyfriend will call it that SoulStorm - if only I was as pure and incapable of making a mistake as you are. Your boyfriend is lucky. I have to ask why you are making it personal or about you? Did a past relationship some guy cheat on you and instead of taking out your anger on him you're using the forum to judge and throw arrows at people like coming on here to ask advice?
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