cocoacat609 Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Okay so first a little back story, I am newly married, my husband is 3000 miles away overseas and I won't be seeing him till July, which was not the originally scheduled plan but due to unforseen circumstances, this is what must happen. We will not be able to even contemplate living together for at least 1 year, which is when I get my degree, and at most 4, which is when I will have finished a post-bach degree. I am 24, my husband is 54. I married him because I did not think I would ever be able to find the kind of man I was looking for in the U.S. or within reasonable proximity to my age. I also married him because my family introduced us and I did not want to disappoint them; even as I was having second thoughts due to the significant age and space difference. Having said that, I transferred schools and met a man whose intelligence was the first thing that spoke to me, after hearing him in a debate I began to like him. It was very subtle at first, but then we went on a school sponsored trip and things escalated quickly. We did not have sex or even kiss, but I slept in his bed two nights during the trip and told him that I was attracted to him; he confirmed that he liked me too and that it wasn't just a physical attraction for him either. Since the trip, about a month ago, we've gotten closer, and I feel a connection to him. Things got physical last week, no sex just "heavy petting" above the waist. We both wanted to, but lacking protection knew this was not possible. Last night we were physical again in the same manner. This whole time he has said he does not want to be the "side-guy." He has said he does not want me to leave my husband, or come between us. He does want us to remain friends though, I want to be a good friend to him but I don't know how. Please don't tell me that I need to stay away from him, I know and understand that, but he insists that we be friends. I told him I would stop talking to him and switch out of a class we will have together but he doesn't want that. I want to know if we can be friends considering we haven't had sex, and if we can how do we do this?
Bryanp Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Hello, How would you feel if the roles were reversed? It seems that you really do not love your husband at all and do not want to be married to him. I think it is important that you contact your husband and tell him what you have been doing and allow your husband an opportunity to decide things also. What you are doing is disrespectful and humiliating to your husband and marriage. Your OM does not sound so special. Apparently he had no problem making out with married women. What does that say about his character? What does this say about your character? Good luck.
Author cocoacat609 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Ok, well thank you for that I guess. I actually did talk to my husband last week after the first incident, and he told me to do what I needed to so I could make sure that I want to be with him, but since that's not what I was asking about it seemed irrelevant to post it. I do still need advice from people who have been in this situation and remained friends or found that they could not.
NoLongerSad Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Tell me that this isn't related to some kind of immigration issue please.
Minnie09 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Are your parents from a culture that arranges marriages? Or why else would you get married to a family friend in order not to disappoint your family? Anyways, it doesn't matter. I can answer your question easily: No, you cannot remain friends. There is and always will be mutual attraction. Your H knows you slipped and wouldn't tolerate you keeping this friend in your life. So you would have to keep the friendship secret, which to me equals an affair, no matter what other people may think.
alexandria35 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 By the sound of your opening post, you don't love your husband and you married him for the wrong reasons and you will probably end up cheating on him at some point (actually I guess you already have). I think you should be asking yourself if you can really picture yourself staying married to your husband for a lifetime and remaining faithful. I would guess that it's highly unlikely given that you have already betrayed him. I think you should get a divorice.
wicar1 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 You cannot stay away from him..that's for sure. Even if you do ..sooner or later someone else will pop up. This is just the start. This will not be the last time you will feel something like this with someone else.... Your marriage will not work.... Get a divorce.. also your Husband needs someone who loves, repects him.. he deserves someone honest. put yourself in his shoes...
Distant78 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 And you're also making it seem as though you were forced to marry him. You weren't. You didn't have to put that ring on your finger.
East7 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Are your parents from a culture that arranges marriages? It is obvious ! Very common in oriental cultures. 54 with 24yrs old ...the generational gap is huge. By the sound of your opening post, you don't love your husband and you married him for the wrong reasons and you will probably end up cheating on him at some point (actually I guess you already have). She said she got married to please her family. In some cultures the families decide who is best for you and then the wife should "learn" to love her husband. also your Husband needs someone who loves, repects him.. he deserves someone honest. put yourself in his shoes... Well, he took a risk marring someone 30 years younger and knowing she didn't marry him for love. Of course he was happy to have a fresh and young women but he did take a risk. And you're also making it seem as though you were forced to marry him. You weren't. You didn't have to put that ring on your finger. Right ! But again in some cultures the "tradition pressure" is so heavy that they make decisions that are out of their will. But whatever the culture and tradition a loveless marriage is not right, she should divorce and find someone that she really loves.
young&inlove Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Simply, No you cannot stay friends with this other man. My reasoning: My husband slept with my best friend. I tried to “get over” what had happened and stay friends with this chick. My husband and she both promised they wouldn’t ever touch each other and it was strictly friends only as it was before. We stayed friends for about a week. Then he slept with her again. Even after I watched them like a hawk. Yep. It’s a sad situation you have put yourself in. Getting away from this guy and focusing on yourself is what you should be doing. Find who you are and who you want to be with. The way I see it, you don’t love your husband. If you learn that this is true. Then I would set your husband free, for all you’re doing now is hurting him over and over. You should read some of the stories on here from those who are hurt by their spouse. Maybe you will see something in a different light.
Distant78 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Right ! But again in some cultures the "tradition pressure" is so heavy that they make decisions that are out of their will. But whatever the culture and tradition a loveless marriage is not right, she should divorce and find someone that she really loves. Doesn't matter whether it had to do with religion or a culture. She didn't have to put that ring on her finger. She wasn't forced and it still doesn't excuse her current actions
wicar1 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Well, he took a risk marring someone 30 years younger and knowing she didn't marry him for love. Of course he was happy to have a fresh and young women but he did take a risk. -Does that mean he deserves a cheating wife? -Does that give the right to cheat?
East7 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Doesn't matter whether it had to do with religion or a culture. She didn't have to put that ring on her finger. She wasn't forced and it still doesn't excuse her current actions Come-on we are being very hard with this young woman she has only 24, her H of 30 years older is probably the first man she had known and touched her. Let's be realistic...She made a mistake marring him, inexperience and familial pressure "helped" her to make a wrong choice. I would be much less indulgent to someone who has promised undying love to her spouse. At least she doesn't pretend loving her H. I don't buy her : "I slept in the same bed for two nights with that man, and nothing happened" Bottom-line is she should divorce her H, there is nothing to save, no love, no kids.
Distant78 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Come-on we are being very hard with this young woman she has only 24, her H of 30 years older is probably the first man she had known and touched her. Let's be realistic...She made a mistake marring him, inexperience and familial pressure "helped" her to make a wrong choice. I would be much less indulgent to someone who has promised undying love to her spouse. At least she doesn't pretend loving her H. I don't buy her : "I slept in the same bed for two nights with that man, and nothing happened" Bottom-line is she should divorce her H, there is nothing to save, no love, no kids. It wasn't a mistake. Her youth doesn't excuse her actions. She's well into adulthood and needs to take responsibility for her actions and not cheat. If she never wanted to marry him in the first place, she should've put her foot down and said no.
wicar1 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Bottom-line is she should divorce her H, there is nothing to save, no love, no kids. that's true
ConflictedGuy27 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 (edited) clearly, you made a big mistake marrying. I'm no advocate for divorce (quite the contrary), but man... taking such a large step... your marriage to a 54 year old man was a pretty blatant error (by both American and LOGICAL standards). seriously, infidelity is wrong; however, I'm having trouble laying a preponderance of the blame at your feet. your family was complicent in arranging this?? granted I'm not aware of the cultural circumstances in the mix here, if any, but you should undo this "marriage" of yours asap. by age 30, the vast majority of people aren't mature enough to understand the true concept of marriage, let alone perform within such a delicate framework. (political correctness aside) undo this, OP. Edited December 20, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27
Rose1977 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 While I cannot relate to you 100% I can tell you I lived a large portion of my life doing what my parents wanted me to and it pleased - NO ONE. It was never good enough for them, and I developed all kinds of issues from trying to meet their standards. I understand there are probably cultural issues which pushed you into this marriage, so our stories aren't exactly similar. I will tell you this - since I have decided to live life "my way" I have no relationship with my parents. At the same time - I have never been happier. I mean NO DISRESPECT by this, but you sound young and maybe like you have lived your life a bit sheltered. That is NOT a bad thing. The age difference wouldn't be a big deal if you were head over heels in love with your H. But clearly you are not. It's time to stop doing what is expected of you or what you think will please your family and do the right thing for your yourself and your H. And I do think D is the answer. I'm not sure from what you have said that there is any way to repair this M nor do I think you want to. It sounds like you still have a lot of things to experience before M. And I mean that in a good way. You're young. I don't condone cheating obviously, but I think you need to D and give your H the opportunity to find a woman who will love him and satisfy his needs. And I think you need to give yourself the chance to live life a little without being a wife when you're clearly not ready. At your age, unless someone is really prepared for marriage, you SHOULD be able to date and do things like sleep in a guy's bed and then date some more until you find "The One". I truly don't intend for any of this to sound harsh, you sound very confused and like you're torn between doing what you think you're supposed to do and what you really want. It's YOUR life... live it... everyone can give you all the advice in the world, but it's up to you to figure out what will make you happy and then do it.
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