the X called, need some guidance

[ditched]

My ex broke up with me about 1.5 years ago, after being together for 1.5 years. I ran into her a few months later with some guy which sucked, then she called me once last January at which time we had a real nice comfortable 2hr conversation (catching up and chatting, but no talk of her and i). and thats been it. Well she called a couple days ago (10pm on a Saturday(!)) and left a voicemail that she wanted to see how i was doing and to give her a call back if i wanted to chat.

 

as far as i know she has no idea how much i've been pining for her. i feel as though ive never fully gotten over her. And to make it worse, my dating life has been nonexistant since she left. I have no idea what her situation is, if she's still with anyone. I never ever look at her facebook/myspace etc and i still don't want to for fear of seeing some happy picture of her and some guy. So i've just avoided it for the last year.

 

i guess i'm not sure what i'm asking. I just dont really have anyone to talk to about this. I want to call her back, but can't muster up the courage. I'm trying to go into it with ZERO expectations and just take her at her word that she's just calling to say hi. But what if ignoring her ruins any chance (as feeble as it may be) of possibly giving it another go.

 

basically, i guess the options are:

 

Hell No, don't call.

or

If you actually can call without expectations, give it a try.

 

any advice or encouragement would be fantastic!!!!

[bl22]

Sounds to me like you are not in the right state of mind to talk to her. You'll be setting yourself up for more heartache otherwise. Its been 1.5 years? Have you spent that time working on yourself, improving yourself and gaining your confidence back? Im guessing not cause if you would have you'd be ready for this and not affected by it.

 

I know this must be hard for you but if you do plan on returning the call, you need to play it cool...dont give anything away. Theres a few threads on here about what to do in possible 2nd chances, all the do's and dont's. If you follow them then you may have a chance.

 

I'll be interested to see how this 1 goes

[9Lives]

it dont sound like you are ready for interaction with her. She might want to talk about how great her life is and all that jazZ. I would probably call but be prepared to end the conversation if she starts all that. You dont want to take stuck on the ex into 2011

[swfc_77]

do you want to go into a bit more detail mate, ie: why you broke up, how old you both are, ect.

 

i cant find you original post on the break up. i only ask so we can get a bigger picture of your situation.

 

cheers,

[starryeyed12]

Well, you have been apart for quite some time now. 1.5 years...that's a long time, yet not so long either. It doesn't sound like you've really let go with that time, obviously, since you are still pinning.

 

This may sound like stupid advice to some, but I think in your case you need to look at her facebook/myspace. I think you need to see the truth. If there are pictures of her beaming from ear to ear with another man, maybe its time you take notice. Yes, its going to hurt. It's certainly not going to feel good, but I think you need to feel it.

 

Stop being scared to see if she has moved on and just accept that she may have. Accept the rejected feelings and the hurt and whatever else...they are normal, healthy even. If you block that part of the equation out, then you block out the ability to accept reality and move on yourself.

 

If after looking, and possibly finding that she's seeing someone else, you feel that you can handle and accept where she is at at this point in her life, then go a head and call her back.

 

If what you find pisses you off or makes you sad, then what's the point in talking to her now?

[cerridwen]

This may sound like stupid advice to some, but I think in your case you need to look at her facebook/myspace. I think you need to see the truth. If there are pictures of her beaming from ear to ear with another man, maybe its time you take notice. Yes, its going to hurt. It's certainly not going to feel good, but I think you need to feel it.

 

Stop being scared to see if she has moved on and just accept that she may have. Accept the rejected feelings and the hurt and whatever else...they are normal, healthy even. If you block that part of the equation out, then you block out the ability to accept reality and move on yourself.

 

If after looking, and possibly finding that she's seeing someone else, you feel that you can handle and accept where she is at at this point in her life, then go a head and call her back.

 

If what you find pisses you off or makes you sad, then what's the point in talking to her now?

 

I think this is brilliant advice.

I second it.

[9Lives]

Well, you have been apart for quite some time now. 1.5 years...that's a long time, yet not so long either. It doesn't sound like you've really let go with that time, obviously, since you are still pinning.

 

This may sound like stupid advice to some, but I think in your case you need to look at her facebook/myspace. I think you need to see the truth. If there are pictures of her beaming from ear to ear with another man, maybe its time you take notice. Yes, its going to hurt. It's certainly not going to feel good, but I think you need to feel it.

 

Stop being scared to see if she has moved on and just accept that she may have. Accept the rejected feelings and the hurt and whatever else...they are normal, healthy even. If you block that part of the equation out, then you block out the ability to accept reality and move on yourself.

 

If after looking, and possibly finding that she's seeing someone else, you feel that you can handle and accept where she is at at this point in her life, then go a head and call her back.

 

If what you find pisses you off or makes you sad, then what's the point in talking to her now?

 

well I can tell you if you follow this advice YOU WILL be jacked up. That is the case for me today. I was doing good. Not tripping and then I heard something....researched ...and bam! Im in the dumps trying to get out.

 

Im not saying dont do it....Im just saying be prepared to be down for a while. I dont recommend it. I havent left the house today and i hate it

[ditched]

We are both in our mid-thirties. Everything was awesome while we were together. Shortly before she broke it off, i sensed she was a bit distant and unenthused. i expressed my concern and she said that it was nothing. When she finally pulled the trigger, she said that we've grown apart and "are not on the same page anymore". very vague, but basically that said she wasn't happy. In a tearful conversation a few days later to set a time for her to pick up her things she said that she "didn't think it was going to feel so permanent" and asked "what if in a month or so i realize this was a mistake?" Unfortunately these statements made me feel as if there was some hope for reconciling. So i played it cool and put a lot of effort into not drunk calling/texting. She knew i was hurt and didn't want this to end, but i didnt want to make it worse by hounding her about it. Actually there is a great line in Swingers (which a friend recommended to me due to my situation) where a guy is consoling his buddy about a breakup: "you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back".

 

anyways. thats where i'm at.

 

 

and....

that is great advice starryeyed12.

but...i just can't do it!!!!

i dont know why.

so maybe that means i shouldn't call her.

i want to so so so bad

[swfc_77]

i think you should be really careful, it might not seem like you have healed but you will have made some progress in the 1.5 years apart. even if you dont see it.

 

its up to you about checking facebook/myspace, i dont use them anymore as i think its not worth the heartache - ignorance is bliss and all that.

 

on second chances mate, mine didn't go down too well, we soon slipped back into old routines, even if they were not bad routines. it just wasn't what she wanted.

also when we split the first time back in april i went out and bought clothes/worked out/booked holidays/worked away, basically moved on but still loved her a lot, its really rubbish when you move on, even a little and get pulled back to have to go through it again if it fails to work out.

 

just be careful mate

[Eddie Edirol]

DO NOT Call her. Dont take her calls. Im going to tell you what you dont want to see. So if you want to stay in denial, then dont read this. I was in your situation.

 

Youre still hoping that she will change her mind, she wont.

 

You did or said something that made her lose her attraction to you. Havent you ever dumped a woman? Would you ever go back to them? probably not.

 

Same as quitting bad jobs. You would never go back there again.

 

Thats how she feels about you. She moved on, and in her mind, going back to you would be going backwards and downwards.

 

She isnt thinking about you, she left you for a reason. You probably know what the reason is. Maybe you did something, maybe she met someone she thought would be better. BUT if she thought someone else was a better fit, that means she wasnt really that into you in the first place.

 

Youre 35, make sure you dont go all in to a relationship until you know for sure that she is all in. Otherwise you will turn her off by not bieng able to hold the balance.

 

Bottom line, block her calls. Dont even tell her she's cut off. She doesnt deserve it since she made plans to leave you without giving you a heads up until she was ready to move on without you. You're never going to see her again, so your actions dont matter.

 

You cant move on until you decide that you DONT need to hear from her, and you dont. You dont need to hear from her because she wont come back. Its none of her business what you are up to, and its not worth your sanity for her to be curious about you. Assume she will be engaged within a year, and divorced in 2 years after with a kid.

 

Do not talk to her. I dumped my last gf, and I the last time I talked to her I didnt talk about me and her cuz I didnt want to bring up something that I knew wasnt going to happen. Thats what she is doing to you, you are a friend now, not even a good friend.

 

You HAVE to start talking to women, its the only way you will realize that there are better women for you out there. It will help boost your confidence in general, and make your dating chops better. It's been a year and a half, and youre not getting any younger. Know what you did wrong for her to run from you, and make sure you dont make the same mistake next time.

 

You gotta learn from the mistakes. Its not a failure, its just a lesson in what to avoid for the better woman. Plus, think about it, if you stayed with her, and she wasnt really into you to begin with, it would have been a turbulent relationship with you doing all the work to make things smooth. You wouldnt want that.

Edited December 15, 2010 by Eddie Edirol

[starryeyed12]

In most scenarios I do agree that first and foremost you need the separation, and facebook/myspace can be a serious hindrance to that part of the moving on process.

 

However, in this case he has had over a year of separation. In his break up, knowing the truth about her personal life turned from the necessary separation process to avoidance of reality, and he still clings to his feelings for her. He's now avoiding her real life, yet holding on to feelings from the past, and contemplating making this phone call. What does it mean?

 

I think it means that if he doesn't look at her facebook/myspace then he doesn't have to come to terms that she has (in all likelihood) moved on. It's part of how he can hang on to hope in his mind. It's part of why he thinks this phone call means that somehow he has a chance with her again.

 

You need to let go. If she was coming back she would have by now. Too much time has passed, the tides have turned, and you are stuck with your feet in the sand.

 

It hurts and I'm very sorry. You don't have to look, but maybe you should. For confirmation of what you most fear. They say sometimes you have to stare your fears right in the face to conquer them. I say, be brave. I bet you'll find that you don't want to make that phone call quite so much anymore.

[9Lives]

i think you should be really careful, it might not seem like you have healed but you will have made some progress in the 1.5 years apart. even if you dont see it.

 

its up to you about checking facebook/myspace, i dont use them anymore as i think its not worth the heartache - ignorance is bliss and all that.

 

on second chances mate, mine didn't go down too well, we soon slipped back into old routines, even if they were not bad routines. it just wasn't what she wanted.

also when we split the first time back in april i went out and bought clothes/worked out/booked holidays/worked away, basically moved on but still loved her a lot, its really rubbish when you move on, even a little and get pulled back to have to go through it again if it fails to work out.

 

just be careful mate

 

I second this motion big time. If you are not healed...I strongly suggest you just stay away. I strongly suggest it.

 

Keep moving towards healing.

[ditched]

Thanks Everyone!!!

 

There is no doubt that i HAVE improved myself since the break up. As soon as it happened i started trying to fix things about myself. well, a few weeks after. I consolidated my debt (something i had been putting off for years), started exercising and lost some weight, I went back to seeing my therapist to help me work on some anxiety issues that have been a prevalent topic with me (another something i had put off for a couple years). I embraced my hobbies a bit, I got much more active in the local music scene and started traveling with some bands again. Getting back into the swing of dating has been tough though. I've always had some issues with my self-confidence, and have never had alot of experience with dating (i was with my girlfriend before this ex for about 16 years). I dont know why i explained all that. I just don't want it to seem like i've just spent the last 1.5 years in a dark corner of my apartment, crying and obsessing about this girl.

 

but yeah, thanks!

i still haven't called. but i'm still not sure that i won't.

I feel differently each time i think about it, depending on my mood.

sometimes i feel completely confident that i can talk to her in a cool and collected way and not let it phase me. Other times i worry that i'm going to hang up the phone and melt into a puddle of slime and be absorbed into my carpet to dry and harden into a miserable crusty existence.

hahahaha. not really! but one thing is for sure, this has to come to a conclusion for better or worse. and it will. and i'll get through it one way or another.

 

but i'll keep you guys posted

Edited December 17, 2010 by ditched
poor GRAMMAR!!!!

[swfc_77]

if you have made yourself into a better person and are looking good and enjoying life a little more, then there's no need to change anything. unless its for the better and i dont see going back to an ex doing much good.

 

honestly i'v been there and i know all situations are different but believe me after the first split i was hurt bad, then moved on and picked myself up.

 

after the second split i was hurt bad and tried to move on but couldn't.

 

why

 

1) i didn't have the energy anymore

 

2) i'd moved on before and in the end she came and wrecked it, so i was scared to move on again incase she came back again and wrecked it.

 

3) i wasn't full of questions about why she'd done this and why she'd done that, like i was the first time.

the questions were why did i do that, i was questining myself and beating myself up because i let her back in.

 

4) when someone leaves you once it hurts, twice knocks the s**t out of you.

 

5) if a second split happens, the road ahead is not new. you look down it and its dark, you know where your heading and you know its nasty. same with any split but with the same person makes it harder in my opinion.

 

6) if you split - get back - split - get back - split - in a short period of time (i know OP didn't) it confuses the hell out of your emotions and actions, i would wake up in the night and genuinely not know if she was laid next to me without looking.

 

i would finish work early to get home to see her before her college or to take/pick her up from work. inside i knew we were over but i couldn't shift the routine of our life that easy, i would come home and sit down with nothing to do wondering why i had finished early, this happened for maybe 6 weeks.

 

7) people have heard about your split and tell you to move on and you can do better, that support system is not there the 2nd time round. they have heard it before and inside they think - i told you so - i'v heard this before.

i talk to my mother about her sometime and she just says - "i dont want to hear about her anymore, dont call me talking about her because i'v heard it.

 

this is just my opinion, but seriously if you buy a ford and it keeps breaking down - you dont go out and buy another ford do you?

Edited December 17, 2010 by swfc_77