Are the stakes that much higher when dating single moms?

[mo mo]

Here's the scenario, me and my best friend are both talking to single moms. The one I have been talking to (that I have mentioned in other threads) is in her early 20s and the one he has been seeing is late 20s. Me and my friend are both 30.

 

The woman my friend is seeing is someone we knew from HS. She lives in the same town as him now, and he's known this for a while, but it took him a really long time to get her to come out on a date. I'm talking like, she was really cool at first, but then flaked on him, then a few months later showed interest again and she went on 2 dates with him. She seemed very reserved, from what he described to me.

 

In my situation, the girl I have been talking to is someone I work with. She recently got out of a relationship. For a few weeks before she broke up with her now ex-bf and for a few days after the fact, things were pretty hot between us. We haven't gone on any dates but we did hang out with each other quite a bit at work, to the point where our co-workers have been teasing us. Despite all that we have been super friendly and affectionate, no matter who was watching. For the past week or so she has been weird about responding to my texts and the last time I saw her she was very reserved.

 

Is this kind of thing common among single mothers? Are the stakes really that much higher for them that they have to actually make life difficult for the men they are interested in?

[AlektraClementine]

Hard to say, really. I don't think single moms do the "coy" thing any more than childless women.

 

In my situation (back when I was a single mom), I dated for myself, not the kids. Most men are not "lifelong" material when it comes to being a step-parent. Good step parents are a rare breed. So during the dating process, I pretty much knew not to get too close to someone who would never meet my children. I had a genuinely good time with a lot of the guys I dated but I kept them at an arms length and was always honest about that. Some were fine with that, some said "no thanks".

 

Have you talked with this woman about what her intentions are? Have you shared yours with her? Communicating is probably the most beneficial thing you can do for your situation.

[mo mo]

Hard to say, really. I don't think single moms do the "coy" thing any more than childless women.

 

In my situation (back when I was a single mom), I dated for myself, not the kids. Most men are not "lifelong" material when it comes to being a step-parent. Good step parents are a rare breed. So during the dating process, I pretty much knew not to get too close to someone who would never meet my children. I had a genuinely good time with a lot of the guys I dated but I kept them at an arms length and was always honest about that. Some were fine with that, some said "no thanks".

 

Have you talked with this woman about what her intentions are? Have you shared yours with her? Communicating is probably the most beneficial thing you can do for your situation.

 

Yea I have been clear with the woman in my situation. That's part of the reason I like her so much: I am not afraid of being open with her and she can be quite mature about these things.... or at least that was what I thought.

 

For the past few days she hasn't responded to my friendly texts. I just say stuff like "what are you up to", or "how are you dealing with the snow", etc. That's why the whole thing seems so weird to me. I know she just broke up with a guy so I am really not trying to rush her into anything. I told her that and I mean it, so I could understand if she doesn't want to go out just yet. However, I find it weird that she can't respond to a "good morning".

[mo mo]

So I suppose the real question is: is it normal for a guy to have to work that much harder for the affection of a single mother?

[LondonS]

So I suppose the real question is: is it normal for a guy to have to work that much harder for the affection of a single mother?

I dont see why you should treat her any less because she is a single mom. she is the girl you like so you should pursue the relationship just as you would with a child less single girl...

[mo mo]

I dont see why you should treat her any less because she is a single mom. she is the girl you like so you should pursue the relationship just as you would with a child less single girl...

 

I am not treating her less though.

 

Let me put it this way, when I first met her, I was initially put off by the fact that she had a child. She was also seeing someone else at the time. However, we talked a bit at work and over time I began to really appreciate her.

 

I just think its odd that she goes hot and cold on me.

[NoLongerSad]

Sounds like you are in the friend zone.

 

Time to move on.

[mo mo]

Sounds like you are in the friend zone.

 

Time to move on.

 

Why would u say that? It's not like she's been coming to me with her problems, and she doesn't talk to me about other dudes. In fact, she treats me differently than guys she is just friendly with. She has let her guard down a few times and said some things that kinda sounded like we were in a relationship already. Like if it bothered me that a guy who walked by (that she didn't know) checked her out. When she was telling me that she was ready to break it off with her man, she asked a lot of questions about me.

 

I would think that if I was in the friend zone she wouldn't have an issue telling me what is on her mind.

[youngskywalker]

I've never dated a single mom but I suspect that dating, is dating, is dating. It's all the same. Treat it that way.

 

I need one of two things in a relationship with a girl that I have feelings with. A- I'm tapping her. B- We are connecting on a romantic/emotional level that is without doubt beyond friends. Both are preferable but I'll take either or. I don't need to have sex with a girl right away.

 

So if you're NOT going forward with either of those things then it looks like more of a friend zone situation to me. Only you know. I'd put her up to official dates.... start 'dating' her and see where it goes. If she's not serious she's going to flake.

Edited December 15, 2010 by youngskywalker

[sally4sara]

I am not treating her less though.

 

Let me put it this way, when I first met her, I was initially put off by the fact that she had a child. She was also seeing someone else at the time. However, we talked a bit at work and over time I began to really appreciate her.

 

I just think its odd that she goes hot and cold on me.

 

This is why single mothers have to be slower to let someone into their lives. Because it isn't just their life anymore. Biggest fear in it is that you'll establish feelings for a guy who will then turn around and treat your kid as a hassle to be tolerated just to keep the sex on tap. The men they get serious about have to be patient fellas.

If being patient is a problem then you might not be up to the task. It doesn't make you a bad person, but it would make you a bad candidate for THIS woman and THIS set of circumstances. You liking her isn't going to make everything work out down the road.

[mo mo]

I've never dated a single mom but I suspect that dating, is dating, is dating. It's all the same. Treat it that way.

 

I need one of two things in a relationship with a girl that I have feelings with. A- I'm tapping her. B- We are connecting on a romantic/emotional level that is without doubt beyond friends. Both are preferable but I'll take either or. I don't need to have sex with a girl right away.

 

So if you're NOT going forward with either of those things then it looks like more of a friend zone situation to me. Only you know. I'd put her up to official dates.... start 'dating' her and see where it goes. If she's not serious she's going to flake.

 

Right now it's all about B for us. We most definitely are connecting on an emotional level. I've made her turn red on numerous occasions. With the guy she recently broke up with, it was all about A for them. Part of the reason she left him was because she wanted more and he showed no interest. The guy she dated before him is the baby's father.

 

I don't know all the details but apparently they lived together and he was a jerk to her. She left the state to be closer to family once she decided it wasn't working out and brought her daughter with her. She recently won the custody battle for the child.

 

Soo I think there are a number of issues here. It's probably too soon for her to see someone else after her last relationship ended. I understand that, and all I really want is to keep in touch with her. I see her at work a few days a week anyways so it's not like I get to miss her too much. The other issue might be that she might not have expected me to make her feel so special so soon. Like I said, I took my time to get to know her, so I have said some sweet stuff to her, but I absolutely mean it. I'm thinking she might not have been prepared for that. The last time she tried to get close to guys emotionally were outright disasters.

 

The other issue (that I haven't mentioned because I'm not sure it's an issue, and I don't want people thinking I am vain), is that we're both pretty hot. She is short and petite, but filled out in all the right places (if you know what I mean ). She has really nice eyes and nice hair and skin. I am built like a bodybuilder, and it shows, even when I wear normal clothing. I'm also a rare mix of ethnicities that apparently turns a lot of women on. We both get tons of attention from the opposite sex. I'm not sure if it's an issue, but maybe she is worried that I'd drop her quickly once I gave a relationship a shot and started having issues (like not seeing her often enough because of her maternal responsibilities, etc.).

 

I'm not really bothered by the fact she gets so much attention.. in fact, she told me part of the reason she was drawn to me was because I was always cool and respectful around her, and that I see things in her that most other guys aren't looking at. However, I'm really not sure it works both ways. I do think she is special and I'm not going to drop her that easily, but I really don't know if she believes that.

[mo mo]

This is why single mothers have to be slower to let someone into their lives. Because it isn't just their life anymore. Biggest fear in it is that you'll establish feelings for a guy who will then turn around and treat your kid as a hassle to be tolerated just to keep the sex on tap. The men they get serious about have to be patient fellas.

If being patient is a problem then you might not be up to the task. It doesn't make you a bad person, but it would make you a bad candidate for THIS woman and THIS set of circumstances. You liking her isn't going to make everything work out down the road.

 

Hmm ok. Point taken. I actually thought about this the other day, it's interesting to hear it from someone else. I basically said to myself "you're asking her to drop her prejudices about men for you, so it's only fair that you drop your prejudices about women for her"

 

My prejudices against women stem from my history.. I was a bit too trusting in the past and gotten burned for it. So here I am in a new situation, knowing I shouldn't be too trusting, yet I am expected to trust her (she once told me I should trust her, that she couldn't talk at the time cuz she had something going on).

[mo mo]

Biggest fear in it is that you'll establish feelings for a guy who will then turn around and treat your kid as a hassle to be tolerated just to keep the sex on tap.

 

I'm pretty sure this was the reason for her most recent breakup

[sally4sara]

I'm pretty sure this was the reason for her most recent breakup

 

Yup. And with every new attempt, she runs the risk of her kid meeting yet another guy they later have to ask "where is so an so mommy?"

 

Take it slow if you really like the lady. Ask about the kid, but don't push to meet it till you know things have a better chance of working out for the 3 of you. If she tries to get you in the kid's life before you know that, just explain that so far everything is looking rosy but you want to make sure before you come into the picture.

[mo mo]

Yup. And with every new attempt, she runs the risk of her kid meeting yet another guy they later have to ask "where is so an so mommy?"

 

Take it slow if you really like the lady. Ask about the kid, but don't push to meet it till you know things have a better chance of working out for the 3 of you. If she tries to get you in the kid's life before you know that, just explain that so far everything is looking rosy but you want to make sure before you come into the picture.

 

AH HA.

 

ok so she's basically testing my patience. Not that weird now that I think about it.

 

Back when she was still with her bf she had asked me if I had anything going on with anyone and I said yea. At the time I had recently met someone that seemed like she was interested in me. However she was very flaky and hard to get a hold of, so I basically gave up on her. I told this new girl about this.

 

She probably doesn't want me to do the same to her, right?

[mo mo]

I am so glad I found this forum by the way. I am a thinker, and I probably analyze things too much for my own good. Once I noticed she was getting a little cold on me I assumed she was getting a little scared to get close to me, or that I was beginning to overwhelm her, etc. I wrote all my thoughts down and created a 7 page long letter as if I was going to e-mail her.

 

I didn't send it. The act of just writing my thoughts down was good enough.

[mo mo]

Concerning my friend: I think he's pretty self-absorbed and simply isn't the kind of guy to take a single mom seriously. I can totally understand why she would be reserved around him: she probably picked up on that.

[sally4sara]

AH HA.

 

ok so she's basically testing my patience. Not that weird now that I think about it.

 

Back when she was still with her bf she had asked me if I had anything going on with anyone and I said yea. At the time I had recently met someone that seemed like she was interested in me. However she was very flaky and hard to get a hold of, so I basically gave up on her. I told this new girl about this.

 

She probably doesn't want me to do the same to her, right?

 

I'm not trying to tell you what she is doing is a conscious thing; I don't know her or her mind.

But to have already faced the situation of someone being in her kid's life and then having to remove him, she is probably full of self doubt. She is questioning her judgment and rightfully so seeing as the ex was a poor choice. Its normal to wonder about someone when you're first getting to know them. To top that with not wanting to make the same mistake for both her and her kid, she is questioning both you AND her AND having to shift gears from the dying feelings for Mr. So and Soooo Wrong to the new interest of you.

[yongyong]

don't think about the future. just have fun.

they might be more sexual than single woman. they are more experienced on bed. they don't have time to hangout like single girls so you can just go to their at house at night while their kids are on the bed, have fun and get out of there.

 

If you guys keep seeing each other for a long time then you can think about the future.

 

 

 

honestly, I look down on those single moms who have a baby and looks for a guy either online or at clubs. (I get freaked out when those single moms put a picture of almost new baby)

 

I WOULD NOT respect a woman who cares more about her sexual life than her baby (IMO they should wait till their kids becomes 5 years old)

[mo mo]

I'm not trying to tell you what she is doing is a conscious thing; I don't know her or her mind.

But to have already faced the situation of someone being in her kid's life and then having to remove him, she is probably full of self doubt. She is questioning her judgment and rightfully so seeing as the ex was a poor choice. Its normal to wonder about someone when you're first getting to know them. To top that with not wanting to make the same mistake for both her and her kid, she is questioning both you AND her AND having to shift gears from the dying feelings for Mr. So and Soooo Wrong to the new interest of you.

 

Hmm ok good to know. Thank you, you have been very helpful.

 

Now the question is:

 

I will see her later this week at work. Do I bring up the fact that it has seemed she has been avoiding me? Do I play it cool? Do I make it seem I am excited to see her? Do I not talk to her at all?

Edited December 15, 2010 by mo mo

[sally4sara]

Hmm ok good to know. Thank you, you have been very helpful.

 

Now the question is:

 

I will see her later this week at work. Do I bring up the fact that it has seemed she has been avoiding me? Do I play it cool? Do I make it seem I am excited to see her? Do I not talk to her at all?

 

Just focus on getting to know her and whether or not there is some compatibility to that. Heavy conversations out of the gate keeps her focused on the what ifs and makes it hard to relax. Let her know you like her if its true. Let her know if she is being insensitive to your feelings if its true. Just don't be a brat about it and get all accusatory. And don't do anything for her that you're going to later use as leverage to get something out of her that she isn't ready to give. An example would be:

"I do (whatever) for you and you can't even do (whatever) for me?"

 

If you do bring up the hot cold, just ask if you're asking for too much time from her or a generalized how are you feeling lately. Wait for what I call confessional conversation to come from her. It will let you know she feels comfortable enough to share really personal stuff with you.

And be real about it with yourself. If you're not feeling much compatibility in general when she does give you time, don't make this a such challenge to prove yourself to her that you lose focus of whether or not she proves herself to you. Just because she's got heavy stuff going on in her life doesn't mean she will be the right woman for you. Resist the knight in shining armor urge because she's is no weak damsel in distress and can't afford to become one for you.

 

On the cautionary tip for you would be don't start spending money on her till things are well established. Seek out low cost or free entertainment. She might not have the funds to go do everything you like to do, but don't get suckered into paying her way for everything. Even if she isn't about money, money is going to be of importance to her. One of my single mom friends talked about how hard it is to get readjusted to everyday life when you date a guy who lays it on thick and things don't work out. Suddenly, even if he didn't ever pay any bills or that kind of thing, the lack of entertainment ups your day to day expectations. After a relationship with a guy who is like that ends, the money you use to be able to get by on feels like not enough. For myself, I kept that in mind and preferred very low cost to free entertainment just so I'd never have to deal with that overwhelming feeling if things didn't work out. Plus there is no guarantee that she isn't materialistic just because she has a kid and supposedly more nurturing because of it.

Edited December 15, 2010 by sally4sara

[mo mo]

^^^ Ok will do. Just so you know we both know we are very compatible. We have actually been calling ourselves twins for a while. Trust me, I wouldn't be as worried about making this thing work if I didn't really think it would be awesome.

[mo mo]

UPDATE

 

Just wanted to thank everyone for the advice.

 

Unfortunately, this girl is not who I thought she was. She was trying to play games with me. I didn't fall for it. I basically saw something fishy going on and I called her out on it before it was too late.

 

I understood that I needed to be patient in this situation, and I was willing to do so, but there came a point where I felt like she was treating me like a sucker. My instincts told me something wasn't quite right.

 

So I called her out on it. She didn't reply to my messages, and she was super quiet at work today around me. But she went and complained to one of my other co workers about me, saying I was "harassing" her.

 

He told me and let me know she has been doing this for a while. She is basically a con-artist that was looking for a new sugar daddy once the other one dried up. She thought she almost had me.. but she was wrong.

 

OH WELL

 

I only feel bad about 2 things: 1) the person I was infatuated with doesn't actually exist

and 2) I feel sorry for her daughter.

 

Otherwise, I am glad this whole thing didn't go any further.