spiderowl Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I can see your dilemma. I don't think it would be fair on this girl if you weren't 99% certain she was the one for you. If you are feeling ambivalent, then you could wait and see if the feelings resolve themselves one way or another by themselves. If you are uncertain and wavering, then maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something - what is something you'd need to find out. I just have this sneaking feeling that if your ex told you that was it and she doesn't want to risk it again, all of a sudden you'd find yourself wanting her. Do you think that would be the case? How strong do you think that feeling would be? Just a bit or far more dramatic than that? Might be something to think about. I think guys are programmed to seek challenge and to win and are more or less that way inclined. Some would never dream of being unfaithful or of getting involved with another woman: others can't stay with the same one for more than a couple of nights! There is bound to be a tension between wanting this playful excitement and wanting someone to be there who is serious and steady and loves you. It's the same for women too. The important thing is what you do with that knowledge. So far, you have made the choices it seems and, strangely enough, you have provoked a situation where your ex will now make the choices and you have to persuade her - a chase situation. Maybe you are trying to redress a balance here and create more excitement between you. If so, it's not the best way!
edinesto Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Yep, I think you should wait a few weeks. Sounds like you are trying to be protective of both her and yourself, which is great. You've made it this far. Just take the time to make sure your feelings persist. Vandelay is right. You have to take your time. You wouldn't want to mess up her life again
Graceful Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Hi, and it's great to see you back, even if you're still on the fence and not sure how you feel, at least you haven't done or said anything and you're still hanging in there. Time does help. Ok, then here we go. I said: I never had any regrets with regard to this really nice guy. It was a mutual decision to break it off, but he actually pulled the plug b/c it was hurting him that I just did not want to take the r/l to the next level. He even told me he would wait for me in case I changed my mind. I never did. My "regret" was only due to the idea that I could not love him, he just was not right for me. He was a true human! And he was truly devoted to me, just the kind of person I was and still am looking for. But it just was not meant to be. I did try, I honestly did. He was too good to just pass up. For me, it just did not materialize into a deeper love. Ok, I find this really interesting! I have spoken to various people about my situation and there are basically two schools of thought: those who say that love is largely a choice (you meet someone you like and make the commitment to be with them and the love grows from that) and those who say it just happens (you meet someone, fall in love and realise you're meant to be with them forever). Surely then it's possible that my own stubbornness prevented me from falling in love with her fully? It is possible, of course. But it may also be a moot point. But timing is everything and I am sure you've heard people say that if they had met someone sooner (or later), then things may have worked out. But you can certainly self-sabotage love, sure. But then again, there are reasons for that, meaning, if you are self-sabotaging, that means you're really not ready to be in a serious relationship, and I honestly think that is what happened to you. Can I ask: how would you characterise your doubts about this guy exactly? I know that's kinda hard to answer, but it might be that I was in the same situation with this girl... My doubts were along these lines: we communicated well, but not as well as I needed. He was always so eager to please me that sometimes I felt like he was not giving me his honest opinions or we were not equal partners. While he had a very good sense of humor, he was on the whole, a more serious person than I was used to being with, and he was a worrier. He was serious about many things that I let roll off my back, and he was dead serious in his political views. It didn't bother me, and we laughed about the fact I was more irreverent than he was, but he was just SOOOO serious sometimes. And he needed me to lighten him up and make him laugh at himself (we played off of each other well in that way). And I suppose b/c he was insecure about how much I loved him b/c he was so much more in love with me, his insecurity was very difficult and I wasn't sure I could ever really and truly love him the same way. I just could not. I have looked back on it countless times wondering if there was a way I could have let myself go and really love him. I just didn't. And then, about a year later, I met someone else that made me feel the way I knew I needed to feel, so I knew I had done the right thing. I really did. And I wanted the nice guy to be happy, I really did!! I wanted the best for him, I wasn't jealous thinking about him finding someone else! I wanted him to! I would not have been jealous at all if I had run into him with a new GF or anything, I would have been happy. I get this gnawing feeling that it will do you good to see her again, primarily b/c you have stayed the course and done NC for quite a while. I think if you see her it will help you. Believe it or not, with my most recent ex, when I saw him, it helped me know that I didn't want him back after a while. In fact, it helped clarify it for me, just seeing him. I think if you see her, it might give you the key to unlock what you are feeling. You wish you had not dumped her and if it had to be done at all, that she had been the dumper. You want to abdicate your responsibility for the breakup b/c I still think you feel badly about some of the way you treated her, the ultimate of which was to dump her. Maybe you felt deep down inside you were the one who deserved to be dumped, b/c you have put her on a pedastal. I don't know, but you have been beating yourself up pretty hard over it. If you see her and have a chance to talk to her, you should not put any pressure on her, of course. You can only speak your own truth for yourself, tell her how sorry you are for what you did during the relationship and ask her how she feels about what happened between you. Then ... I wrote something on a post earlier tonight about getting someone back. What I said was that getting someone back is not just an activity in itself, you have to consider what needs to be changed and remedied in order to make the r/l a success if you are given a second chance. If nothing changes, the r/l will not magically change after the honeymoon phase is over, all the original problems will surface. So you really have to understand what caused that downfall, so you can make sure you can remedy it. The post that you might want to read is Krymej's post, "Is reconciliation rare" and my post is in there, with lots of other good ones. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258872/ I just have this sneaking feeling that if your ex told you that was it and she doesn't want to risk it again, all of a sudden you'd find yourself wanting her. Do you think that would be the case? How strong do you think that feeling would be? You don't strike me like this at all. If you ex makes it clear she can't take you back and is over you, I think that would be the ultimate closure for you. I don't think you're looking for a challenge at all. I think you honestly think you made a mistake and that is what is compelling you. You seem to be very comfortable with the ease of your love for her and that has always been her style with you. I don't know, but I think that's one thing that's very mature about you, and the one thing that's probably caused the most confusion. And finally, I do think that when a guy wants a girl, he should feel he would move heaven and earth to be with her, yes, I believe that. But that's different from chasing after someone for the sake of a challenge. It means you want to make someone feel that secure about how you feel and you want to show that person, through your actions as well as your words, that you want them in your life. Happy New Year, Dedalus! I certainly wish you all the best, you know that!! Hope to see you! I'll be around. (and thank you for the note you left in "my" thread, which has really made me blush, but I appreciate more than I can say)
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