Would she take me back?

[Dedalus]

I have started a couple of other topics on here and had some really great advice, but feel my situation has changed and I could therefore do with some further insight.

 

For ease of reading, I've put headings in to cover the main points. If you happen to have read anything else I've written previously, please jump to 'The Situation Now...'

 

The Background...

 

I met a girl during the final term of University. We had a one-night stand, but then started seeing more and more of each other before officially becoming a couple. Even very early on I did wonder whether this was the best time to be getting into a relationship. I hadn't been in one for a few years, and although this was fun there was a nagging voice asking me if this was a good idea or whether I should be single as I head out into the big, wide world.

 

However, my life was very much 'in transition'. Uni was ending, I didn't have anything specific lined up afterwards. My gf and I were both planning on moving to the same city anyway, and ended up living together. This was about half a year into the relationship. I was initially resistant to the idea of living together so soon, but she told me it wasn't really a big deal and I went along with it.

 

She is a fantastic girl and was incredibly supportive of me and loving. Generally, I treated her well - I never cheated, was always there for her, etc. But... and this is the problem... I always had doubts about the relationship. This caused me to hold back from her a bit.

 

After almost three years I broke up with her. There was an attractive girl at work I knew wanted to sleep with me. I never cheated on my gf, but I did end up getting with this new girl soon after the break up.

 

What caused the doubts in my relationship?

 

I have to say, I think they were all self-inflicted. My ex never did anything that gave me cause to doubt her. The 'worst' quality she had was a tendency towards jealousy, but it was generally justified jealousy (i.e. when other girls were hitting on me, etc).

 

I think the reasons I had doubts were:

 

1. Feeling like I was too young and that the relationship was moving too fast and none of my friends were in such serious relationships. Having been out of the relationship for a while, I have seen that actually this is a stupid argument - either you want to be with someone or you don't.

 

2. My career wasn't heading in the direction I wanted. I had real uncertainty about what I wanted to do with my life. To an extent this is now resolved...

 

3. Occasionally (and this was a minor reason) I thought that the single life might be more fun (more women, more partying, etc). I should stress, that was barely a factor, if at all. I have had a fling with another girl since (partly to stop missing my ex) - it was fun, but it's not the same... it doesn't come close to a proper relationship in terms of emotional fulfilment.

 

4. When I first met my ex, she was in a dysfunctional relationship with a total loser. I think, unconsciously, I maybe worried that she just wanted to be with someone - was I really special? did she want me or did she want a boyfriend? I've pretty much resolved this one in my mind, no longer an issue.

 

5. I think I may have mild depression. I'm seeing a doctor about this now, but I think it made me have a tendency towards viewing things in a negative light. Because I was so comfortable in the relationship, I felt as though it was an outlet for this... whereas with friends I would make more effort to stay upbeat.

 

 

The Situation Now...

 

I met with her the other day.

 

From what I can tell she has gone most - if not all - of the way towards getting over me. She says she does want to be friends, but she has a new boyfriend (although she said it is a tricky relationship because of our break up being relatively recent). It's definitely not 'serious' yet though, from what I can tell. I don't know if it's just rebound or not...

 

We talked a lot, I came clean about this girl I've slept with since her, and she said she knew instinctively that I had. I explained that it was largely because of the pain I felt at losing her, which is true.

 

I was very emotional - cried, felt like crap, etc. At the end we hugged for a long time. The next day she sent me a message saying she wished she hadn't been right about this other girl, but understood why I did it. She said she does want to be friends, but thinks maybe we should leave it a while.

 

Seeing her made me realise how wonderful she is and just how much I miss her.

 

I want to get her back now. I know it might seem like a bad idea, but this time will be different... I have seen the other side (life without her) and it's not good. I don't need her, but I have realised just how wonderful she is and how happy she makes me. I would take a totally different attitude to the relationship now.

 

I have realised that although I don't have mad, passionate desire to be with her, I have a quieter love for her. I would hate to see her hurt and I respect her, admire her and know that being with her makes me a better person.

 

All the girls I have been passionately in love with didn't work out. This girl, where I hesitated and drew back... well, I think she is right for me.

 

That's weird, I know...

 

My concern...

 

I feel certain that I want her back right now. How do I know this is a genuine feeling and won't just evaporate in a week or two weeks? This is the biggest issue for me; I can't mess her around, if I ask her to come back that's it now - serious, serious commitment. My mind has been all over the place, I have thought that I made the right decision breaking up, but now - months later - I am still hung up on her and still miss her and still want her back. How can I know for 100% certain that I am doing the right thing by trying to win her back? Should I wait for a few weeks, see if this feeling lasts?

Edited December 15, 2010 by Dedalus

[vandelay]

Yep, I think you should wait a few weeks. Sounds like you are trying to be protective of both her and yourself, which is great. You've made it this far. Just take the time to make sure your feelings persist.

[Dedalus]

Yep, I think you should wait a few weeks. Sounds like you are trying to be protective of both her and yourself, which is great. You've made it this far. Just take the time to make sure your feelings persist.

 

Is it normal that now, after being apart for three months, that my doubts about this girl and my relationship with her have vanished? I feel they have and I want to believe it's true, but what if I am deluding myself somehow?

 

If I was advising myself objectively, I'd say: "You were together for so long and you had your doubts and broke up with her. This change of heart is just self-deception."

 

But... it feels real. I miss her. I see all her qualities and I wonder how I could ever have felt the relationship was not right. But I did. For months and months. But for no apparent reason; if you asked me why we broke up, I genuinely couldn't give you a good answer.

[SlawKing]

To be honest, dumping someone so that you can sleep with someone else you met during the relationship is almost as bad as cheating on someone. It's still a huge betrayal of trust. Being brutally honest, would you take back a woman who did that to you?

[Dedalus]

To be honest, dumping someone so that you can sleep with someone else you met during the relationship is almost as bad as cheating on someone. It's still a huge betrayal of trust. Being brutally honest, would you take back a woman who did that to you?

 

I didn't, didn't, didn't break up with her to sleep with someone else. I broke up with her and then slept with someone else (mainly to stop feeling crap about the break up).

 

We broke up because we were arguing, but it was nothing that couldn't be sorted out. And like I said, I had doubts in the relationship. They were causing the arguments (mainly).

 

If I had broken up with her to sleep with someone then yeah, that's different. But that's simply not the case.

 

Since the break up, I have had a lot of time to think. I miss the girl a lot and realise that I was an idiot for having doubts and want her back...

 

I just need to know for sure that my feelings aren't going to waver because I don't want to put her through that.

 

I am also aware she might well just say no...

[SlawKing]

I didn't, didn't, didn't break up with her to sleep with someone else. I broke up with her and then slept with someone else (mainly to stop feeling crap about the break up).

 

We broke up because we were arguing, but it was nothing that couldn't be sorted out. And like I said, I had doubts in the relationship. They were causing the arguments (mainly).

 

If I had broken up with her to sleep with someone then yeah, that's different. But that's simply not the case.

Even if that isn't why you broke up with her, it's going to be very hard to convince her of that. My ex broke up with me and started dating someone from one of her classes after just a couple of weeks and even though she swore that she didn't leave me for him I know that she wouldn't have given up on the relationship so easily if she didn't have someone to fall back on.

[Dedalus]

Even if that isn't why you broke up with her, it's going to be very hard to convince her of that. My ex broke up with me and started dating someone from one of her classes after just a couple of weeks and even though she swore that she didn't leave me for him I know that she wouldn't have given up on the relationship so easily if she didn't have someone to fall back on.

 

My ex has started dating a (former) friend of mine since then.

 

Are you saying you wouldn't take your ex back on the basis of what you believe to be the case? Or would you not anyway?

[SlawKing]

My ex has started dating a (former) friend of mine since then.

 

Are you saying you wouldn't take your ex back on the basis of what you believe to be the case? Or would you not anyway?

No, the main reason I wouldn't take her back is that she ended it without even giving us a chance to reconcile. She just came out of the blue, said she was unhappy and didn't love me anymore, and ended it. The other guy was just icing on the cake. I could never trust her again so why bother trying to start over with her?

[Movingthrough]

I do think that once you leave someone you can kind of get scared straight into "wow I really like them" bit the issue here is you are asking if you will feel a certain way. Fact is, just asking about that pretty much means there is going to be a problem. I'm not saying I'm right but you so seem "unsure" and that's not good.

 

If you could get to know her better then maybe go from there, but that's hard if she has a guy. I was in the same boat where I was trying to go slow and make it work with an ex, and was told she was nothing serious with some new guy, but she was and I went NC.

 

I would be careful man..

[Dedalus]

I do think that once you leave someone you can kind of get scared straight into "wow I really like them" bit the issue here is you are asking if you will feel a certain way. Fact is, just asking about that pretty much means there is going to be a problem. I'm not saying I'm right but you so seem "unsure" and that's not good.

 

If you could get to know her better then maybe go from there, but that's hard if she has a guy. I was in the same boat where I was trying to go slow and make it work with an ex, and was told she was nothing serious with some new guy, but she was and I went NC.

 

I would be careful man..

 

The reason I am unsure is that we had a long time together and I always held back a bit. But why? I think it's because I was immature and unready for commitment. I've now seen the other side of the coin and feel I would be a very different boyfriend to her.

 

But I worry that I will flip back. I want to be 100% certain. I don't know how I can get to that stage though?

[Fern]

Have you ended things with this other girl yet? That's your first step if you're serious about making a real go of it. I believe that you need to be OK with being on your own for a little while before you can know whether you actually HAVE wised up and are able to be a real partner to this girl - or if you're just feeling empty and lonely.

 

The fact you talk about a 'quieter love' for her worries me. You're going to meet people in the future who turn your head. Infatuation and crushes are a fact of life. They pass soon enough if you don't give in to them. But if you've never had a 'passion' for your ex - is she going to hold up beside your next infatuation?

 

Doesn't she deserve someone who loves her passionately? Don't you deserve to love someone passionately? Don't waste her time because you're feeling low right now and want the comfort of the familiar. Don't do that to her. If you want her back - you better mean it for keeps this time.

 

When my ex and I were in our death throes I asked him why he wanted me to stay (he cheated on me with a co-worker) and he rhymed off a list of ways that being with me MADE HIS LIFE BETTER. When I pointed this out to him, that nothing he'd said was about ME or who I was as a person - he looked stumped. That hurt. It still hurts. He's now with the girl he cheated with. He was SMITTEN with her, in a way I'm sure he never was with me. I DESERVE to have someone who's smitten with me. Are you SURE you actually miss this girl for her qualities and not simply because of what she does for you.

[Dedalus]

Have you ended things with this other girl yet? That's your first step if you're serious about making a real go of it. I believe that you need to be OK with being on your own for a little while before you can know whether you actually HAVE wised up and are able to be a real partner to this girl - or if you're just feeling empty and lonely.

 

The fact you talk about a 'quieter love' for her worries me. You're going to meet people in the future who turn your head. Infatuation and crushes are a fact of life. They pass soon enough if you don't give in to them. But if you've never had a 'passion' for your ex - is she going to hold up beside your next infatuation?

 

Doesn't she deserve someone who loves her passionately? Don't you deserve to love someone passionately? Don't waste her time because you're feeling low right now and want the comfort of the familiar. Don't do that to her. If you want her back - you better mean it for keeps this time.

 

When my ex and I were in our death throes I asked him why he wanted me to stay (he cheated on me with a co-worker) and he rhymed off a list of ways that being with me MADE HIS LIFE BETTER. When I pointed this out to him, that nothing he'd said was about ME or who I was as a person - he looked stumped. That hurt. It still hurts. He's now with the girl he cheated with. He was SMITTEN with her, in a way I'm sure he never was with me. I DESERVE to have someone who's smitten with me. Are you SURE you actually miss this girl for her qualities and not simply because of what she does for you.

 

I've told the other girl the score and it's over, yep. I'm also skipping town for a few weeks, so wouldn't be seeing her anyway.

 

My ex and I were pretty passionate at the start. But I was also always conscious of my age (only 22 when we got together), the fact that we moved really fast (eg. living together) and that I wasn't happy in my all-round life. So maybe that dampened it.

 

When I say quieter, I mean the stability.. the realisation that there is more to a relationship than the passionate first months.

 

Why do I want her back? Because she is smart, she is beautiful, because she is caring... because we had a closeness that went beyond all my friendships... she knew me very well. I was never embarrassed to tell her anything. She made me laugh.

 

BUT... BUT... BUT... when we were together, and for quite a long time, I doubted whether my feelings for her were strong enough. It felt like I was just drifting in the relationship. So... what does that mean? Well, if anyone can answer that I will shower them with gratitude (if not cold, hard cash!) Because it's driving me nuts...

[Fern]

BUT... BUT... BUT... when we were together, and for quite a long time, I doubted whether my feelings for her were strong enough. It felt like I was just drifting in the relationship. So... what does that mean? Well, if anyone can answer that I will shower them with gratitude (if not cold, hard cash!) Because it's driving me nuts...

 

Strong enough for what? Compared to what? I don't understand what you mean by 'drifting'. What is it you expect/want/need from a relationship? To my mind our relationships don't have an end goal we HAVE to get to for them to be worthwhile. They're not supposed to be the only focus in our lives. They're the cherry on top - not the whole cake.

 

I don't think you have any idea what you want. I suspect you'd be better off leaving this girl alone and expending all this mental energy on working out what YOU want from life and where your life is going. When you're happy in yourself you'll know if what you had with her is 'enough'. A relationship - no matter how wonderful it is - can't fill up our emptiness. Not forever, anyway.

[Graceful]

Hiya,

You already know where I stand. Pain plays terrible tricks on people, and it also puts you in a fog b/c you just want to feel better. I've already told you that I doubt you were really in love with your ex, and down the road, this will not bode well.

 

When you move in with someone, it should be considered a big, big step. For you, it was merely an extension of dating. I have told you that I did not get the impression you ever really discussed what it meant, or took it seriously. That is why you had a nagging feeling, IMHO. You were saying, "how did I get here? what am I doing" -- you didn't know! One minute you were dating, the next you were living with someone.

 

Every relationship you are in will not be your "forever" relationship. And even if you feel that way, the other person has to feel that way, too. That is what is so difficult about a broken heart. You cannot "win" someone back, you cannot "fight" for love, you're talking about feelings here, you can't make someone love you just because you're the one who thinks you should be together. That's a sad realty we all have to face, I certainly have.

 

The reason it is advised to stay away from the ex is b/c it is too painful to see that person, and it will only cause more second guessing, which it did for you. Lesson learned. We can all go back and analyze what happened and why we did the things we did ... but what you have to begin to internalize is that it does not change anything. What's done is done. That's the tough part of life. Accepting we can't take our actions back, we can be forgiven, but we are accountable.

 

You know where to find me. Not sure if you still want to chat, but I am around. You didn't blow it. You felt uncertain for a lot of reasons. It's your pain that is causing you to second guess yourself.

In friendship, Grace

[dng]

You are just being tricked by an evolutionary trait, "competitiveness".

 

It sounds horrible, I know, but it happens all the time, more to men, but both to men and women.

 

What you need right now is the willpower to resist because if you make a move I'm afraid the end result is going to be wrecking this girl's life for no reason.

[Dedalus]

Strong enough for what? Compared to what? I don't understand what you mean by 'drifting'. What is it you expect/want/need from a relationship? To my mind our relationships don't have an end goal we HAVE to get to for them to be worthwhile. They're not supposed to be the only focus in our lives. They're the cherry on top - not the whole cake.

 

I don't think you have any idea what you want. I suspect you'd be better off leaving this girl alone and expending all this mental energy on working out what YOU want from life and where your life is going. When you're happy in yourself you'll know if what you had with her is 'enough'. A relationship - no matter how wonderful it is - can't fill up our emptiness. Not forever, anyway.

 

Well, strong enough not to have doubts. I really, really cared for this girl (and still do). If I had to describe my perfect woman, she would be it; beautiful, clever, some shared interests, funny, caring, etc. But when I look back, I remember a number of moments when I doubted whether I wanted to be in the relationship. I should re-emphasise, this is not due to her: she didn't cheat, she didn't pressurise me, etc. I think it's because of me. But what is it about me that meant I couldn't fully commit to this amazing woman? That's what I don't understand.

 

So in that sense you're right about focussing on myself. I am not very settled in my life; I don't have a very strong sense of direction, I don't generally feel 'happy', there is an emptiness, etc. But this girl, my ex, is wonderful. I miss her.

 

I feel it would only take a few small changes in my life to turn around. If I was doing a job I enjoyed, for example, it would probably make me a far happier person.

 

The reason I want to get her back is because I know she is not the cause of my unhappiness, and in fact is an amazing girl who was (once upon a time) and could (if she accepted me back) be a wonderful person to spend my life with. Breaking up with her was, I think, a mistake...

[Dedalus]

You are just being tricked by an evolutionary trait, "competitiveness".

 

It sounds horrible, I know, but it happens all the time, more to men, but both to men and women.

 

What you need right now is the willpower to resist because if you make a move I'm afraid the end result is going to be wrecking this girl's life for no reason.

 

I appreciate your reply, but I don't think that's right. I am not competitive in that I want her back only because she is with someone else. The fact she's with this dude makes me sad, but I had doubts about having broken up with her from before that. I don't think her new relationship has changed anything (other than perhaps giving me a slightly greater sense of urgency).

[Dedalus]

Hiya,

You already know where I stand. Pain plays terrible tricks on people, and it also puts you in a fog b/c you just want to feel better. I've already told you that I doubt you were really in love with your ex, and down the road, this will not bode well.

 

Grace, thank you again - your advice always really focuses my mind and is really helpful. I'm still hoping we might bump into each other in the chatroom... I'll stay online today, even when I'm away (so if you see me, drop me a line and I'll try to check every so often).

 

You doubt I was in love with her. In a way I agree. I was never really 'head over heels'. But I was incredibly attracted to her, physically, emotionally... There were times we'd be lying in bed and I'd look at her and think, 'you know what, I'd die for this girl'.

 

So no, I never had the absolute certainty that 'oh my gosh, she is the one!', but when I have had that in the past with other girls (a few times) it has always been temporary and, with hindsight, I have realised they were not right for me. Whereas my ex, four months later, I am still pretty sure I could be with forever because she has so much going for her, is so wise, so beautiful and so caring.

 

Yet when I was with her, I sometimes questioned whether I should be. Maybe those doubts would have faded as I grew up, matured, realised that 25 isn't that young and that settling down now isn't a terrible idea.

 

Is that love? I don't know... maybe not.

 

When you move in with someone, it should be considered a big, big step. For you, it was merely an extension of dating. I have told you that I did not get the impression you ever really discussed what it meant, or took it seriously. That is why you had a nagging feeling, IMHO. You were saying, "how did I get here? what am I doing" -- you didn't know! One minute you were dating, the next you were living with someone.

 

I agree it was a mistake. But we had already lived together for so long. Surely that would just have become easier; I definitely started questioning it less and less...

 

 

Every relationship you are in will not be your "forever" relationship. And even if you feel that way, the other person has to feel that way, too. That is what is so difficult about a broken heart. You cannot "win" someone back, you cannot "fight" for love, you're talking about feelings here, you can't make someone love you just because you're the one who thinks you should be together. That's a sad realty we all have to face, I certainly have.

 

Agree with this too. But I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather have my 'forever' relationship with than my ex. And I broke up with her.

 

The reason it is advised to stay away from the ex is b/c it is too painful to see that person, and it will only cause more second guessing, which it did for you. Lesson learned. We can all go back and analyze what happened and why we did the things we did ... but what you have to begin to internalize is that it does not change anything. What's done is done. That's the tough part of life. Accepting we can't take our actions back, we can be forgiven, but we are accountable.

 

What's done is done. Perhaps. But perhaps not. If I was 100% certain now that I loved her and could commit forever, I think I could still - perhaps - win her back; I think she is more or less over me, but she still loves me a little. It would be a different relationship, but a better one possibly.

 

 

You know where to find me. Not sure if you still want to chat, but I am around. You didn't blow it. You felt uncertain for a lot of reasons. It's your pain that is causing you to second guess yourself.

In friendship, Grace

 

Why am I feeling pain if it was the right thing to do? For a week or two after the break up, I felt relief... pure relief... but now, when I look back, I am so heartbroken and it's getting worse.

[Graceful]

Dedalus, you're welcome. Great to hear from you again.

 

I was in chat last night, and it was pretty amazing. There were two people that a group of us really tried to help (and I think we did) and we also had some fun. Nice people in the chat room. Also, it is a snap to go into the pm window, so we could very easily have a personal convo w/out any interruptions.

 

Being on this website is also helping me keep my focus, too, as the holidays are still not the best, even though my break up was a while back, all you need is the holidays to set you back, you know. So even though I am on this side of the equation, I am also being helped, just want you to know that.

 

 

Grace, thank you again - your advice always really focuses my mind and is really helpful. I'm still hoping we might bump into each other in the chatroom...

You doubt I was in love with her. In a way I agree. I was never really 'head over heels'. But I was incredibly attracted to her, physically, emotionally... There were times we'd be lying in bed and I'd look at her and think, 'you know what, I'd die for this girl'.

It does help to hear that. I think there is sometimes too much pressure for people to believe they have to have a ton of butterflies in their stomach for months on end to really be "in love:" and this part of what you say does make you sound mature. I have to say that, b/c it is very confusing and doesn't meld with the rest of your behavior.

 

The deep part is trying to figure out if you loved her because of the way she loved you, or treated you, or if you loved her for HER, if you see the difference. I mean, what if she has treated you poorly? Or given you a hard time? Would you have tried to help her? I was very very fond of one of my boyfriends b/c he treated me like a princess, and he made it impossible for me not to like him. Truly. But I never really fell in love, not deeply. We ended on a nice note, and I did second guess myself, b/c I felt like maybe I had passed up the nicest person I would ever meet in my life, but ultimately, I was scared out of my wits I would secretly feel like I had settled b/c I was not really in love.

 

 

Yet when I was with her, I sometimes questioned whether I should be. Maybe those doubts would have faded as I grew up, matured, realised that 25 isn't that young and that settling down now isn't a terrible idea.

 

Is that love? I don't know... maybe not.

I have to agree that 25 is not that young for some men ... but for others, the last thing on their mind is settling down with someone. I don't think it's fair to generalize. I've know some 25 years olds that are more mature than some 35 year olds I know, and then some that act like they're 15, too .

 

But it does sound like you were very conflicted for a lot of reasons, and you had reason to be. You've certainly listed plenty of reasons for feeling like you were suffocating, but now that you have lost her, you don't want to look at it that way. Can you go back to what you felt like when you were feeling suffocated and when you lost patience with her?

 

 

What's done is done. Perhaps. But perhaps not. If I was 100% certain now that I loved her and could commit forever, I think I could still - perhaps - win her back; I think she is more or less over me, but she still loves me a little. It would be a different relationship, but a better one possibly.

I know she loves you a little, too. If she is that caring a person, she is not throwing 3 years out the window after 3 months. I just want you to try to put yourself in her shoes. If you had fallen out of love, would you be able to go back and fall back in love b/c the other person was telling you to give her a chance? Or that things would be different? What if you were as clear for yourself that it was over as she was that it wasn't? What would that person have to do to even get you to give her a chance?

 

Why am I feeling pain if it was the right thing to do? For a week or two after the break up, I felt relief... pure relief... but now, when I look back, I am so heartbroken and it's getting worse.

You're feeling pain b/c this is not a process that goes from start to finish in a linear fashion, unfortunately. You go two steps forward, maybe three, and then your mind goes back, and you go back with it. You cannot think that three years can be erased in 3 months. It can't. This is a permanent part of your life history, even later on when you are potentially married, years from now with a different life, who knows, you will still have this chapter in your life, it is part of you and your personal history.

 

This is why it is so important to try to deal with how you feel, so you'll have the clarity you need to start to give it its' proper place in your life. Like it is a chapter, NOT the whole book! Right now, it is the chapter you are in, but it is just one chapter, do you see what I mean.

 

Second guessing is what we all do, but if it turns into obsessive thinking, over time, that can be unhealthy. I still think it is too soon to expect more from yourself than you are. Men are different than women in that they think they are wimps or babies if they can't handle their emotions after a breakup. It's much more difficult for them to find a friend who will listen after a few months. Women can talk about this stuff for months on end! SO I do think these things play into the way you are hurting and lots of your confusion.

 

I will send some positive energy your way. Try to fill your heart with hope, not negative feelings. Try to do something nice for someone today, anything. Even holding a door for someone, or letting someone go in a line of traffic, anything (where I live these are big deals, people can be so rude around here!) I am no saint, but I try to do something nice or say something nice every day of my life. And it does make me feel good inside and is now a habit. When you see yourself as a nice person, you will begin to see you have a future, with your without your ex. And you do.

 

Hope to continue speaking with you. I am here for you, even if it takes a few days to get back to you, don't worry. I will return. Take care. Grace

[Dedalus]

Dedalus, you're welcome. Great to hear from you again.

 

I was in chat last night, and it was pretty amazing. There were two people that a group of us really tried to help (and I think we did) and we also had some fun. Nice people in the chat room. Also, it is a snap to go into the pm window, so we could very easily have a personal convo w/out any interruptions.

 

Being on this website is also helping me keep my focus, too, as the holidays are still not the best, even though my break up was a while back, all you need is the holidays to set you back, you know. So even though I am on this side of the equation, I am also being helped, just want you to know that.

 

Hi Grace, happy Christmas! I've been away for a little bit, with limited access to the internet (through my phone only). Hope you're doing well?

 

 

It does help to hear that. I think there is sometimes too much pressure for people to believe they have to have a ton of butterflies in their stomach for months on end to really be "in love:" and this part of what you say does make you sound mature. I have to say that, b/c it is very confusing and doesn't meld with the rest of your behavior.

 

The deep part is trying to figure out if you loved her because of the way she loved you, or treated you, or if you loved her for HER, if you see the difference. I mean, what if she has treated you poorly? Or given you a hard time? Would you have tried to help her? I was very very fond of one of my boyfriends b/c he treated me like a princess, and he made it impossible for me not to like him. Truly. But I never really fell in love, not deeply. We ended on a nice note, and I did second guess myself, b/c I felt like maybe I had passed up the nicest person I would ever meet in my life, but ultimately, I was scared out of my wits I would secretly feel like I had settled b/c I was not really in love.

 

These are interesting questions. Totally honestly: while I was with her, I think I was a bad boyfriend; towards the end of I didn't try to resolve arguments, instead I would fan the flames because I thought I wanted out of the relationship and arguing would bring it to an end.

 

Do I love her for her? I don't know... I guess so. If she was mean or gave me a hard time, I'd probably even welcome it in a way.

 

Your situation with your boyfriend sounds a lot like mine. After you broke up, how long did the regrets last? Did you ever think about reconciling? Do you still speak to him?

 

Do you think if you'd thrown yourself fully into the relationship and tried to make it work, tried to make the love happen, it could have worked. Do relationships even work like that...?

 

 

 

I have to agree that 25 is not that young for some men ... but for others, the last thing on their mind is settling down with someone. I don't think it's fair to generalize. I've know some 25 years olds that are more mature than some 35 year olds I know, and then some that act like they're 15, too .

 

But it does sound like you were very conflicted for a lot of reasons, and you had reason to be. You've certainly listed plenty of reasons for feeling like you were suffocating, but now that you have lost her, you don't want to look at it that way. Can you go back to what you felt like when you were feeling suffocated and when you lost patience with her?

 

I've tried to picture what it would be like. I find it hard to imagine, but... I feel it could be different now. I have seen the other side and it's not so wonderful. I hope I'm not just scared of never finding someone who seems to be such a perfect match.

 

I know she loves you a little, too. If she is that caring a person, she is not throwing 3 years out the window after 3 months. I just want you to try to put yourself in her shoes. If you had fallen out of love, would you be able to go back and fall back in love b/c the other person was telling you to give her a chance? Or that things would be different? What if you were as clear for yourself that it was over as she was that it wasn't? What would that person have to do to even get you to give her a chance?

 

You know what, if I was 100% sure I wanted her back I would do everything. I'd move the world and do whatever it took. But... I am still not, although the fact that I am still thinking about it every day must mean something, right? And it's not as though I am at a constant level of certainty/uncertainty. Some times I feel like I just want to phone her and get her back, others I think I have done the right thing.

 

 

You're feeling pain b/c this is not a process that goes from start to finish in a linear fashion, unfortunately. You go two steps forward, maybe three, and then your mind goes back, and you go back with it. You cannot think that three years can be erased in 3 months. It can't. This is a permanent part of your life history, even later on when you are potentially married, years from now with a different life, who knows, you will still have this chapter in your life, it is part of you and your personal history.

 

This is why it is so important to try to deal with how you feel, so you'll have the clarity you need to start to give it its' proper place in your life. Like it is a chapter, NOT the whole book! Right now, it is the chapter you are in, but it is just one chapter, do you see what I mean.

 

Second guessing is what we all do, but if it turns into obsessive thinking, over time, that can be unhealthy. I still think it is too soon to expect more from yourself than you are. Men are different than women in that they think they are wimps or babies if they can't handle their emotions after a breakup. It's much more difficult for them to find a friend who will listen after a few months. Women can talk about this stuff for months on end! SO I do think these things play into the way you are hurting and lots of your confusion.

 

I will send some positive energy your way. Try to fill your heart with hope, not negative feelings. Try to do something nice for someone today, anything. Even holding a door for someone, or letting someone go in a line of traffic, anything (where I live these are big deals, people can be so rude around here!) I am no saint, but I try to do something nice or say something nice every day of my life. And it does make me feel good inside and is now a habit. When you see yourself as a nice person, you will begin to see you have a future, with your without your ex. And you do.

 

Hope to continue speaking with you. I am here for you, even if it takes a few days to get back to you, don't worry. I will return. Take care. Grace

 

You're right that guys are meant to deal with this stuff differently. Talking to my guy friends, even though some of them are really helpful, you get the impression they're just thinking 'get over it already!' I sort of understand, but I do still feel the need to talk about it.

[Dedalus]

Going to see her early in the new year... argh - dunno what to say / do...

[Graceful]

Hi Grace, happy Christmas! I've been away for a little bit, with limited access to the internet (through my phone only). Hope you're doing well?

Hi, so great to see you back! It was good to bump up your post or I might not have seen it.

 

Frankly, it looks like you've made some progress in being honest with yourself and your feelings. You seem to have gotten a lot closer to the truth about the actual depth of your feelings. See, the longer you stay away, the more you can gain perspective.

 

Your situation with your boyfriend sounds a lot like mine. After you broke up, how long did the regrets last? Did you ever think about reconciling? Do you still speak to him?

I never had any regrets with regard to this really nice guy. It was a mutual decision to break it off, but he actually pulled the plug b/c it was hurting him that I just did not want to take the r/l to the next level. He even told me he would wait for me in case I changed my mind. I never did. My "regret" was only due to the idea that I could not love him, he just was not right for me. He was a true human! And he was truly devoted to me, just the kind of person I was and still am looking for. But it just was not meant to be.

 

Do you think if you'd thrown yourself fully into the relationship and tried to make it work, tried to make the love happen, it could have worked. Do relationships even work like that...?

I did try, I honestly did. He was too good to just pass up. For me, it just did not materialize into a deeper love.

 

 

You know what, if I was 100% sure I wanted her back I would do everything. I'd move the world and do whatever it took. But... I am still not, although the fact that I am still thinking about it every day must mean something, right?

It means you don't spend 5 years with someone and just watch it go up in smoke and forget about it in a few months. That is what it means!!

 

It may (or may not) mean more. You're a guy and I've said this before, I think most guys think that a break up is just a fact of life, and that it will not hit them like a ton of bricks the way it works for women. To me, this is a big reason men come on LS and don't know what hit them.

 

Even women can finally wear out their friends. For me, I had my mum to discuss things with, long after I had to stop talking about it with my friends. I had worn them out, and I felt like I looked lame not getting over my ex after a while, even as a woman, you have to try to stand strong and act like it's not bothering you, which ultimately, will affect your psyche in a positive way.

 

mmmmm....

Going to see her early in the new year... argh - dunno what to say / do..

now what does this mean exactly ...???

I'll check back later.

[spiderowl]

It sounds to me like your girlfriend was just too available to you and a responsible, lovely girl. This is wonderful and should be every guy's dream but unfortunately guys are also fascinated by excitement and unpredictability. Ironically, by being the perfect girl she may have inadvertently left you feeling something was missing. Hence the lack of commitment and excitement about the relationship.

 

As you have realised, the danger is that you would ask her back (which she might well refuse) and that if she came back, the same situation would arise again. This wouldn't be fair on her. Nor can you ask her to change when she sounds like she's a great girl. In some ways, your lack of commitment may have held her back too and she might have felt distanced from you when you both needed the other to show enthusiasm and excitement.

 

I'm not sure what you can do now. I wouldn't ask her back unless you know in your heart that you mean it. That excitement of the chase may be driving you now and you may drop her again when (and if) you catch her. You sound as if you know yourself well and have considered all this seriously which is commendable. I get the impression you do care for her and want the best for her. Think about how you felt when you were with her and what actually drove you to cheat. Has that problem really gone? You can only talk this through with her with honesty and humility, giving her the chance to decide whether taking a risk with you is worth the pain. In her position, I don't think I'd want to as I'd be conscious that if it happened once, it may well happen again. I know that some women live with serial cheaters and just accept they philander every so often but that they have the 'core' relationship, but many decide that cheating is inexcusable and that they can never trust that guy again and move on.

[Dedalus]

Hi, so great to see you back! It was good to bump up your post or I might not have seen it.

 

Frankly, it looks like you've made some progress in being honest with yourself and your feelings. You seem to have gotten a lot closer to the truth about the actual depth of your feelings. See, the longer you stay away, the more you can gain perspective.

 

In a way I agree that I've made progress, but in other ways I feel stuck in exactly the same rut. Every day I still fluctuate between thinking I did the right thing and thinking I did the wrong thing. At the moment, I am more inclined to the latter (and have been for a while now).

 

I never had any regrets with regard to this really nice guy. It was a mutual decision to break it off, but he actually pulled the plug b/c it was hurting him that I just did not want to take the r/l to the next level. He even told me he would wait for me in case I changed my mind. I never did. My "regret" was only due to the idea that I could not love him, he just was not right for me. He was a true human! And he was truly devoted to me, just the kind of person I was and still am looking for. But it just was not meant to be.

 

 

I did try, I honestly did. He was too good to just pass up. For me, it just did not materialize into a deeper love.

 

Ok, I find this really interesting! I have spoken to various people about my situation and there are basically two schools of thought: those who say that love is largely a choice (you meet someone you like and make the commitment to be with them and the love grows from that) and those who say it just happens (you meet someone, fall in love and realise you're meant to be with them forever).

 

I never let myself do the first with my ex. I was always hesitating and pulling back because I felt too young, like I was moving too fast, like none of my friends were in the same situation. Whenever I spoke to third parties about the relationship I'd characterise it as being less serious than it was and would question whether it'd last, etc.

 

Surely then it's possible that my own stubbornness prevented me from falling in love with her fully?

 

Like you felt about this guy, I feel my ex has all the qualities I could want in a woman. So I think to myself, why don't I just accept that she has what I am looking for and tell myself that I can now settle down?

 

Or maybe, like in your situation, the love just didn't materialise (and never would have). I don't know which of the two ways of thinking about it I subscribe to...

 

Can I ask: how would you characterise your doubts about this guy exactly? I know that's kinda hard to answer, but it might be that I was in the same situation with this girl...

 

It means you don't spend 5 years with someone and just watch it go up in smoke and forget about it in a few months. That is what it means!!

 

It may (or may not) mean more. You're a guy and I've said this before, I think most guys think that a break up is just a fact of life, and that it will not hit them like a ton of bricks the way it works for women. To me, this is a big reason men come on LS and don't know what hit them.

 

Even women can finally wear out their friends. For me, I had my mum to discuss things with, long after I had to stop talking about it with my friends. I had worn them out, and I felt like I looked lame not getting over my ex after a while, even as a woman, you have to try to stand strong and act like it's not bothering you, which ultimately, will affect your psyche in a positive way.

 

I feel lame because I don't know what to do. If she had broken up with me it'd be obvious: I'd get over her... it might be difficult, take time, etc... but I'd know what I had to do. Or if I had broken up with her and still thought it was definitely the right thing to do. But... I am in-between and it's driving me nuts.

 

mmmmm....

now what does this mean exactly ...???

I'll check back later.

Well, I will see her on New Years Eve probably (and if not then pretty soon after that). If it's NYE it will probably be in a social situation, but if afterwards then maybe alone... I feel like if I am ever going to try to get her back it will have to be now. I can't wait for her to get serious about this new guy, otherwise I won't have any hope of getting her back.

[Dedalus]

It sounds to me like your girlfriend was just too available to you and a responsible, lovely girl. This is wonderful and should be every guy's dream but unfortunately guys are also fascinated by excitement and unpredictability. Ironically, by being the perfect girl she may have inadvertently left you feeling something was missing. Hence the lack of commitment and excitement about the relationship.

 

As you have realised, the danger is that you would ask her back (which she might well refuse) and that if she came back, the same situation would arise again. This wouldn't be fair on her. Nor can you ask her to change when she sounds like she's a great girl. In some ways, your lack of commitment may have held her back too and she might have felt distanced from you when you both needed the other to show enthusiasm and excitement.

 

I'm not sure what you can do now. I wouldn't ask her back unless you know in your heart that you mean it. That excitement of the chase may be driving you now and you may drop her again when (and if) you catch her. You sound as if you know yourself well and have considered all this seriously which is commendable. I get the impression you do care for her and want the best for her. Think about how you felt when you were with her and what actually drove you to cheat. Has that problem really gone? You can only talk this through with her with honesty and humility, giving her the chance to decide whether taking a risk with you is worth the pain. In her position, I don't think I'd want to as I'd be conscious that if it happened once, it may well happen again. I know that some women live with serial cheaters and just accept they philander every so often but that they have the 'core' relationship, but many decide that cheating is inexcusable and that they can never trust that guy again and move on.

 

 

Thanks for your reply - a lot of what you're saying makes a great deal of sense to me. Reading the last paragraph, I only disagree with your suggestion that I know myself well. I feel the opposite. I feel like I don't know myself at all!

 

Although I didn't technically cheat, I guess I started the new relationship so soon afterwards that in some ways I effectively did. And knowing I could go to this new girl probably made me take the leap of ending the relationship in the first place.

 

Do you have any idea how I can know in my heart if I mean it? I don't have the normal 'thrill of the chase' feeling - just an incredible sadness to think that I have let a wonderful girl go... Maybe all I need to do is accept in my mind that, having found this wonderful girl, I am now ready to settle and just make it happen by living it (if that makes sense).

 

The relationship with the girl I got with after my ex was based on sex only. It was amazing on that level (the best sex ever), but it didn't take long for me to feel fairly hollow about it.

 

My ex is not the type to accept philandering. Ever. And I don't want to be 'that guy' - even if it is perhaps in my nature, I feel I should fight it. But I didn't cheat on her, and I think she might still take me back... so I guess I just need to be more certain in my mind that I could (and would) be different this time.