blackwidow290 Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I've been talking to the guy that this thread is about for over four years. Last year I visited him and stayed with him for two weeks because he used to live on the other side of the continent. A few months after he moved closer to my city for a career change. he's still about a 3hour drive away. We haven't met after my visit, but we talk quite a bit. Initially I found it very frustrating because everytime we were in a conversation he would mention wanting to see me/move here. But he didnt make the effort, not even once. He was seriously considering it, but then got accepted to a school there and he decided to stay there. We didnt talk for a bit and when we restarted he mentioned how he was here to pick up a car part a few weeks ago.. thanks? I had a serious talk with him and he told me to never think that he didnt like me..he still wishes he had what we had together, he misses it, but is grateful that we got that time together..and i made him very happy. We didnt talk for a few months again after that, I was dating/busy with school. The past month we've restarted and immediately into the conversation he says that I should visit him.. and I dont really respond cos Im shocked that he wont do anything and yet not let it go.. after I dont respond he asks if I wanthim to come here instead.. I have to say that now that he seems to have his life more in order and sounds a lot happier, he also sounds a lot more willing, a lot more open towards me. He mentioned that he doesnt want to date anyone there and if if he were to date it would have to be someone from outside. In other conversations hes brought forth the idea of spending new years together..hes the one that always intiates these ideas but doesnt follow through. I dont know how to make this work and I'm not sure if he likes me. We talk about all kinds of topics, the last time we were talkng about sex in general..and he asked whether I'd sleep with him? I answered that I wasnt sure cos I havent seen him in so long. and he understood and told me that he thinks about me from time to time..and said that I'm hard to forget. I know that hes a sweet guy, I just seem to have been stuck in the friend zone, potentially more... what do you guys think? Do I have a chance?Should I give him a second chance or is he stringing me along?
Squeakyclean Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 dont end up like me http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257143/
Author blackwidow290 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 (edited) also, Id like to add that in the past its often escalated to fights when Ive started to complain t hat he just doesn't want to see me..and hes always denied it and has mentioned money issues. but seriously.. its been over a year. am I just an option? Edited December 15, 2010 by blackwidow290
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 God, yes....! Isn't he...? What the hell are you wasting all this time on this fly-by-night for? Do you not have a Life? Go out and get some, fer chrissakes! Don't put your life on hold for a possibly-maybe! Go find an absolute dead-cert! Someone who wants you, loves you, and can't imagine life without you! And let him do the same!
Author blackwidow290 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 (edited) TaraMaiden, thank you the powerful advice. I dont even know why I act so desperate and weak when it comes to him..even when I talk to him.. it's like I'm constantly indirectly trying to prove to him that I'm great..even though he has said that I'm amazing.. I hope for him to act according to that opinion.Last year I was involved with an incredible guy, but the relationship was so unstable cos at the back of the mind I always had the aforementioned guy... as soon as Id talk to him, I'd become erratic. I lost a great guy and the way I acted, I didnt deserve him. I thought I was over this.. cos I made a decision to not consider the guy who is 3hr away as anything but a friend ever again.. and I stood by it until now. When I told him, he couldnt admit that we're just friends and nothing more.. but I told him that we are and him and I are never going to happen. Since july, I have been very happy with a new partner, he is the dead-cert, cant imagine his life without me, loves me.. and is caring in every way.. until I started having these conversations with the old flame who I thought I was over, broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago..I am scared by how quickly evrthing I have shared with my boyfriend and all the feelings that had built up just POOF, disappeared cos of this possibility... I just have missed the guy who is away so much in the past and have wanted him with such intensity, I feel that I need to listen to my heart..but I fear that it makes me so stupid. Why does he say that Im hard to forget though and never gives up the idea of getting together? Isnt this just circumstantial difficulties? Edited December 15, 2010 by blackwidow290
Author blackwidow290 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 should I tell him all this?
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 No. ><Harsh-post warning. >< You're desperately insecure, and have very low self-esteem. You are also scared of commitment, because it seems when you have a dead-cert you sabotage it with a possibility. Rather the drama of a 'might-be' than the stability of a 'definitely-is'. You seem to enjoy the prevarication of being dangled on a string, and the guessing, but you are the engineer of your own uncertainty. You're not only playing into the game - you're running it. you're the one breaking up your sound relationships, not him. You're the one perpetuating this endless cyclical spiral of unknown, not him. You've possibly broken two devoted hearts, because you want the excitement of the mystery, more than the level-headedness of the way things are. I think you need to examine your own needs, why you self-sabotage, and what the hell is in this for you? Because from where I'm standing, this is just wrong. ><Harsh-post ends. >< Good luck, I wish you well.
Author blackwidow290 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 You are right. I really need to examine my needs. Even though I think that I am being genuine in a relationship, I discover that I was just lying to myself. When I feel that the conquest is over, I just dispose of people..I hide my sadism behind accepting and extremely warm facades. thats why the unattainable, someone who is far and doesn't want to do long distance is so sickeningly alluring..even though Id never stay with himin the log run. In all other aspects of life my self-esteem is solid. I just cant seem to truly open myself to love, but enjoy these illusions of it and Im aware that I unreasonably cause myself this distress. Im afraid that even if I try to be better and take my now ex back, if he gives me this.. I will eventually break his heart again. I think I'm going to be single for a while and look within for answers.. hopefully become a better person.
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Well now.... Good reality check. Well done you, I commend your honesty. Have you thought of presenting this to a counsellor or therapist and seeing how you can run with it from there? Having found the 'what' I would assume the next step is the 'why'....? I would personally begin by breaking all ties with Mr Long-Distance guy, because while he is even in the picture, he's going to be a distraction..... And I think you're right. you do need to be on your own for a while, or at least until you figure something out....
Author blackwidow290 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Thank you TaraMaiden. You have helped me tremendously in understanding myself. I really needed to hear it from someone else. It's like an addiction, but I know that I will be much better off without any association with him. I've decided to disengage from him. Theres many potential whys, I'll figure things out slowly for myself. Thank you.
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Yah, that will work for you I think. I really wish you well and hope that whatever it takes, and whichever way you go, you find fulfilment, satisfaction and serenity. Truly do.
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